Self-Confidence and Self-Respect

[Philosophia]

Hello,

This is a strange request but it's something that I need to work on for myself.

I seriously lack the self-confidence and self-respect to better myself and it is really starting to show on here. I have these fears that I am not good enough and that I will ultimately hurt other people when I state my opinions.

I don't know where the fears come from but I know it drives people away because I can't communicate efficiently or quickly enough. I'm not good with emotions and reading them effectively so I get scared that I will hurt other people when I state my opinion.

Even posting this makes me extremely nervous that I've done something wrong or people will view it negatively.

So how does one become more self-confident and self-respectful in their own abilities?

[Corvis Canis Latrans]

Too often I feel the same way.

But Philosophia, just so you know, if anything, your posts are more eloquent and well-stated than most people's here.

This might not directly relate to your experience, but some of my own observations:

I don't know, but my impression is that I (and you, among others) tend to pick subjects that are rather complex. There isn't any swift way to put them in easily understood language.

And I don't know about you, but I recognize my own tendency and that of a lot of other people's to pick things apart to the point of meaninglessness. Everyone reads with an eye for what they consider to be important, and I've noticed that when we find it absent we tend to assume the other person hasn't thought of it or isn't counting it in.

The reality is that they might well have, but didn't see it as needing to be spelled out when it's been said so many times before.

I've been getting resentful at people for picking my own arguments apart like that, and wondering to what extent my own arguments are really lacking, but I've concluded (intellectually, although it hasn't trickled to the emotional level yet) that nobody's argument is ever going to manage to encompass every issue associated with a subject. I can't know what another person might consider central until they've accused me of not thinking of it, when really it was an unstated but present part of my internal debate all along.

People criticize and lash out. I'm not the most diplomatic person when those issues close to my heart are not a part of another person's verbalized debate and tend to likewise automatically assume they haven't considered it until they prove otherwise. I'm not always the nicest person in calling them on it.....neither are they.

You tend to be one of the kinder and more diplomatic people on the board. Honestly I respect you and envy you a little....I've always felt that you're better able to phrase things than I am.

:hugz:

People tend to be most critical of themselves. Ask most artists, or writers, and they tend to see the flaws (or perceived flaws) in their work far more clearly than their audience.

People have a vision of what effects they want their words to have, their art, the shape they want it to take. It's never going to be absolutely perfect, and all people have slightly (or extremely) different visions. They all bump together and reshape things in so many ways.

Intellectually I can tell myself all of this, and tell it to you as well. Emotionally, I think we're pretty close to being in the same boat, with the same insecurities.

Again, :hugz:

CCL

[HetHert]

:hugz: Philo you have to be one of the most diplomatic, logical, and level headed people on this board. I respect everything that I read that comes from you.

Corvis said it all darlin'.

[Dio]

So how does one become more self-confident and self-respectful in their own abilities?


Believe it or not, stop worrying or even considering what other people think of you. Egads, if I haven't heard that one a billion times myself!! But seriously, the minute you just let your bitchiness fly without care or regard, that will be the most freeing day of your life.

We all step on toes without realizing it. People are going to like you and people are going to hate you. Put yourself right in the middle of the like-hate road, and continue looking forward. Give extra attention to those who give you love. Give less attention to anyone else. In my case I figure, if someone is unwilling to come to me face-to-face and tell me why and how I may have hurt them, it's not my problem. It's theirs. Let them be the grudge holder. I will shrug and move on.

Woman, you are amazingly intelligent, thoughtful, and kind. Never, in my entire time here have I *ever* been offended by anything you've posted. Go ahead and let your true self show. People who are kin to you will never judge you for it and if they do, they will tell you. People who get offended and say nothing to your face...... shrug and move on.

[Nicholas]

I agree with the above, your portrayal on the forum is almost flawless you have no need for this worry. I'm really inclined to tell you that if someone itty bitty feelings get hurt over your opinion to tell them to suck it up. This forum thrives on this allowing different opinions and some people haven't figured out how to deal with that yet.

You'll be fine with just relaxing a little, take 2 poptarts and call me in the morning.

[Nesta]

Well ditto to all of the above. Your posts always seem thoughtful and articulate to me.

I'm not big on self-confidence either so I try to use logic to prove to myself that I'm not an idiot. I think it's a work in progress and I think it's better to be like that than to be over-confident.

If someone is driven away by you stating your opinion then I'd say let them go. You can't please everyone so I wouldn't waste time trying.

Do you meditate? I'd really recommend it for developing your confidence and self-respect, they're both so important. Learn to know and trust yourself then you can be your true self and make no apology for it. Meditation and writing down my thoughts both help me enormously. I have to say that Freyja is a huge influence on me in this respect too, She really encourages me to be a strong woman.

Best wishes to you for your self-development.

[Cassie]

Well Philosophia, I very much agree with all the points CCL made, and for the record I also find your posts here to be amoung the best researched, best argued and best written of any of the members here.
"So how does one become more self-confident and self-respectful in their own abilities?"
I don't have much of an answer for the first part except maybe to realise that the world won't fall apart and people won't stop liking or respecting you even if you don't always live up to the standards you set for yourself.

How to boost self respect? Firstly by being true to yourself, which I think you do already. But secondly, when people praise or compliment you, don't just brush it off with a shy smile; believe them! In other words, if you are prepared to accept people's criticism (which I think you are) you should be equally prepared to accept their compliments.
Or, (in yet more other words!), if somebody criticises something you say or write you might think seriously about what they have said and realise they are correct. Then you slap your head and think '**** that was dumb of me! Then you might re-address the point and even offer appologies... But do you give an equal amount of thinking and reflection to the compliments you get? Do you learn as much from them? If you don't, you are probably not respecting yourself enough. It's logical really. :hugz:

[Bettie]

Phil, darlin', I agree with what everyone else has already said. Try not to stress over what other people think of you. Have faith in yourself and what you know to be true - you're intelligent, witty and articulate, sure you may have self-doubts but most people are like that, the trick is to ignore the voice of doubt and keep telling yourself what an awesome human being you are, because it's true. Besides, I think you're freakin' brilliant, so you must be. ;)

[green aventurine]

I seriously lack the self-confidence and self-respect to better myself and it is really starting to show on here. I have these fears that I am not good enough and that I will ultimately hurt other people when I state my opinions.

I don't know where the fears come from but I know it drives people away because I can't communicate efficiently or quickly enough. I'm not good with emotions and reading them effectively so I get scared that I will hurt other people when I state my opinion.

All great posts on here, IMO.

My perception of you from reading your posts on here was that you are an intelligent, assertive, confident and articulate person.

With respect to hurting people, I personally think at the end of the day we all have to take responsibility for our own feelings. This doesn't mean, of course, that I think we should all go around trampling on people just for the sake of it, not that I have encountered that in any of your posts that I have read, personally. It also doesn't mean we shouldn't state our opinions if we feel we need to say something if it's done in a respectful/assertive way which is my experience of your posting.

I look forward to reading more of your posts.

[Lunacie]

Hello,

This is a strange request but it's something that I need to work on for myself.

I seriously lack the self-confidence and self-respect to better myself and it is really starting to show on here. I have these fears that I am not good enough and that I will ultimately hurt other people when I state my opinions.

I don't know where the fears come from but I know it drives people away because I can't communicate efficiently or quickly enough. I'm not good with emotions and reading them effectively so I get scared that I will hurt other people when I state my opinion.

Even posting this makes me extremely nervous that I've done something wrong or people will view it negatively.

So how does one become more self-confident and self-respectful in their own abilities?

You're as good as anybody else, and that's good enough. :uhhuhuh:

We all have a right to our opinions and as long as we're not slamming someone else with them, then it's on them whether or not they are offended. And someone sometimes will be offended no matter how carefully we express our opinion. Walking on eggshells isn't going to prevent that.

I've gotten much better at expressing my opinions, and more confident in doing so, mostly through practice. But I've had posts that I thought were crystal clear totally misconstrued and misunderstood. I think I'm doing better since I started taking supplements for the ADHD (and possibly Asperger's), but I still have "fuzzy" days when things don't come out through the keyboard the way I understand them in my head. I wish all my days were good days ~ but they're not. And anyone who claims that they are always clear and consise and to the point are only fooling themselves.

I agree with what the others have written so far about you being insightful and well able to express yourself. :thumbsup:

[Philosophia]

Thank you all so much for the wonderful advice and compliments! :hugz: I pick difficult subjects in an attempt learn from and I think I sometimes invest too much into them that I get carried away. I need to become a little bit more detached from the conversation and that every slight isn't aimed at me personally. I also need to learn let go.

I can't begin thank you everybody here. Everybody is just amazing with their different personalities, incredible intelligence, amazing kindness, and a beautiful sense of caring. Words fail me right now but thank you so much! :hugz:

[Cat]

I am as usual late to the party. But I think most of us have those fears at one time or another--I know I do. Just don't let it inhibit you too much. If you let your fears stop you, they get worse.

And FWIW, if anything, I can only echo what everyone else said about your posts.

[Infinite Grey]

So how does one become more self-confident and self-respectful in their own abilities?

When I work it out myself, I'll let you know.