surreal
June 13th, 2009, 01:17 AM
Hello everybody!
So, lately, I've been noticing my internal frustration level has risen to increasingly new highs. Week by week my perception of my breaking point has altered and now i visualise the point of complete explosion is a fragile, yet still uncertain, point in time at arms length.
For years I've been having flashes of visual violence towards people 'at arms length' (literally). Basically, in even the most casual of social interactions with persons such as friends, parents, and co-workers my imagination runs wild of myself committing an onset of unmitigated physical attack mostly with heavy objects. It is only a flash, I don't dwell, I usually snap out of it with a quick inhalation of air and a twitch of the head. There is no blood. During dinner having the utensils in hand will trigger such a surreal mental activity. The topic of conversation has never been a trigger nor my personal feelings towards the person. So far it seemingly just happens during periods of stress. (periods being months at a time)
Also, I've noticed my tendency to curse under my breath during inappropriate times. This is usually triggered by a creeping up memory of a past event of when I was uncomfortable. When I think bad thoughts, violent or sexual, I yell at myself, sometimes loud, "Shut the fluff up, *myname*!" Sometimes when I am in earshot of someone I think they might be thinking I was talking to them... that makes me feel bad. Counting to three sometimes helps... when I am on a tangent I start to count... each progressive count I dwell deeper into the contemplation... and at three I take an intense sphere of energy and release it out as quickly as possible. Often the only physical movement is a twitch, rarely do I slam my fist down, very rarely.
Now, I, in general, am very soft spoken, shy, incredibly introverted, polite, considerate, intelligent, emotion(sometimes ice cold), generally educated, eccentric, and some other things. My point is I don't portray a person with issues with rage. A side note: I noticed when others are intoxicated a true color shines through... I, am a happy, very happy drunk. Very rare, only when negative energy interjects into the festivities and my empathy kicks in do I get angry when I am intoxicated. This is brief because I remove myself from the scene and find some good music. Some people know me as outgoing, happy, fun loving... it's my Sagittarius moon. =)
On to the point... I am becoming increasing concerned that I am walking, or perhaps falling, down a destructive path. I don't believe I am immediately threat to anyone, including myself, but I do capitulate to the notion that it is possible my current belief is gravely wrong.
My job is a wireless consultant (sales) in the cell phone industry. (42 - 48 hours a week) I work with 10 other sales reps on a small sales floor where there is a steady flow (average 30 minute wait time) of customers from the general public. The manger is a high energy person, IE stresses out EVERYONE around her... everyone, even customers, make statements to support my previous statement. Every day it is a bombardment of information about phones, plans, tech issues, meetings, sales goals, conference calls, emails, numbers, reports, reports, and more REPORTS! Non of which matter to me... every time it think about it makes realise how far away I am from my goals and I question my tract. (don't get me wrong, I am also happy that I have a good job and saving money up for school and a business, this may be the only thing keeping me goin') Then on top of the information overload, we deal with dozens of people a day with score of situations. It makes me nauseous. What gets me here out of everything is the myriad of personalities I deal with everyday such as happy people, angry people, intelligent people, arrogant people, smelly people, .... etc. The last sentence is possibly the most critical indication of the root of my problem. Sometimes I belief my co-workers think I am just being lazy, but that's not the case, I just need time to relax and center myself.
Today I had a meeting with the GM/ASM... we went over many things, this is normal, but what was odd, not for me anymore, was that I kindof received a lecture about my personality. "It's like you put up a wall between you and us and our customers". I did not say anything but monosyllabic replys of acknowledgment. I would of loved to tell them about the real me, not the person the DM hired on the spot. They are not my friends nor do I pay them for their professional services of counseling. The walls are critical for my emotional survival and now I feel as which they are crashing around me. They also stated they perceive me as "walking around with a chip on your shoulder", ok, I gave them that one, but only with a 'hmmmm'. They asked if had a problem with them, my coworkers, or any anything else generically. I said nothing, my personal feelings towards the GM/ASM are irrelevant. In fact I have a high professional opinion of the GM and admire her in my own way. It makes sense, people whom build report and are outgoing with customers sale more. The overall point here is, I get these conversation from EVERY manager I ever worked under. It's just my third time around in 5 months being in a meeting with the same general topic of me needing to be more 'outgoing'.
One more thing to add... when I am touched I instantly spark to rage.... I hate being touched by strangers or even friends. I don't mind the occasion gesture of kinship such as a firm back rub or a tossle of the hair from a small select group of people... but light touches drive me mad. The worst are when strangers touch my elbow or arms, especially my hands... I really want to forcefully remove their fingers from my body and scream at them, "back the fluff up!"
So there we have it.... I need to figure out something quick. BTW: I am bipolar type II with ultra rapid cycling. (i did the med thing for a few months, and no thank you!)
Any suggestions?
I've been starting to exercise, it helps.
Please, no cyber bugs, I mean hugs. No hugs please.
Thanks Y'all.
So, lately, I've been noticing my internal frustration level has risen to increasingly new highs. Week by week my perception of my breaking point has altered and now i visualise the point of complete explosion is a fragile, yet still uncertain, point in time at arms length.
For years I've been having flashes of visual violence towards people 'at arms length' (literally). Basically, in even the most casual of social interactions with persons such as friends, parents, and co-workers my imagination runs wild of myself committing an onset of unmitigated physical attack mostly with heavy objects. It is only a flash, I don't dwell, I usually snap out of it with a quick inhalation of air and a twitch of the head. There is no blood. During dinner having the utensils in hand will trigger such a surreal mental activity. The topic of conversation has never been a trigger nor my personal feelings towards the person. So far it seemingly just happens during periods of stress. (periods being months at a time)
Also, I've noticed my tendency to curse under my breath during inappropriate times. This is usually triggered by a creeping up memory of a past event of when I was uncomfortable. When I think bad thoughts, violent or sexual, I yell at myself, sometimes loud, "Shut the fluff up, *myname*!" Sometimes when I am in earshot of someone I think they might be thinking I was talking to them... that makes me feel bad. Counting to three sometimes helps... when I am on a tangent I start to count... each progressive count I dwell deeper into the contemplation... and at three I take an intense sphere of energy and release it out as quickly as possible. Often the only physical movement is a twitch, rarely do I slam my fist down, very rarely.
Now, I, in general, am very soft spoken, shy, incredibly introverted, polite, considerate, intelligent, emotion(sometimes ice cold), generally educated, eccentric, and some other things. My point is I don't portray a person with issues with rage. A side note: I noticed when others are intoxicated a true color shines through... I, am a happy, very happy drunk. Very rare, only when negative energy interjects into the festivities and my empathy kicks in do I get angry when I am intoxicated. This is brief because I remove myself from the scene and find some good music. Some people know me as outgoing, happy, fun loving... it's my Sagittarius moon. =)
On to the point... I am becoming increasing concerned that I am walking, or perhaps falling, down a destructive path. I don't believe I am immediately threat to anyone, including myself, but I do capitulate to the notion that it is possible my current belief is gravely wrong.
My job is a wireless consultant (sales) in the cell phone industry. (42 - 48 hours a week) I work with 10 other sales reps on a small sales floor where there is a steady flow (average 30 minute wait time) of customers from the general public. The manger is a high energy person, IE stresses out EVERYONE around her... everyone, even customers, make statements to support my previous statement. Every day it is a bombardment of information about phones, plans, tech issues, meetings, sales goals, conference calls, emails, numbers, reports, reports, and more REPORTS! Non of which matter to me... every time it think about it makes realise how far away I am from my goals and I question my tract. (don't get me wrong, I am also happy that I have a good job and saving money up for school and a business, this may be the only thing keeping me goin') Then on top of the information overload, we deal with dozens of people a day with score of situations. It makes me nauseous. What gets me here out of everything is the myriad of personalities I deal with everyday such as happy people, angry people, intelligent people, arrogant people, smelly people, .... etc. The last sentence is possibly the most critical indication of the root of my problem. Sometimes I belief my co-workers think I am just being lazy, but that's not the case, I just need time to relax and center myself.
Today I had a meeting with the GM/ASM... we went over many things, this is normal, but what was odd, not for me anymore, was that I kindof received a lecture about my personality. "It's like you put up a wall between you and us and our customers". I did not say anything but monosyllabic replys of acknowledgment. I would of loved to tell them about the real me, not the person the DM hired on the spot. They are not my friends nor do I pay them for their professional services of counseling. The walls are critical for my emotional survival and now I feel as which they are crashing around me. They also stated they perceive me as "walking around with a chip on your shoulder", ok, I gave them that one, but only with a 'hmmmm'. They asked if had a problem with them, my coworkers, or any anything else generically. I said nothing, my personal feelings towards the GM/ASM are irrelevant. In fact I have a high professional opinion of the GM and admire her in my own way. It makes sense, people whom build report and are outgoing with customers sale more. The overall point here is, I get these conversation from EVERY manager I ever worked under. It's just my third time around in 5 months being in a meeting with the same general topic of me needing to be more 'outgoing'.
One more thing to add... when I am touched I instantly spark to rage.... I hate being touched by strangers or even friends. I don't mind the occasion gesture of kinship such as a firm back rub or a tossle of the hair from a small select group of people... but light touches drive me mad. The worst are when strangers touch my elbow or arms, especially my hands... I really want to forcefully remove their fingers from my body and scream at them, "back the fluff up!"
So there we have it.... I need to figure out something quick. BTW: I am bipolar type II with ultra rapid cycling. (i did the med thing for a few months, and no thank you!)
Any suggestions?
I've been starting to exercise, it helps.
Please, no cyber bugs, I mean hugs. No hugs please.
Thanks Y'all.