Traveling...

[WandererInGray]

*the Wanderer strolls through the dappled sunlight, her pack light upon her back*

I wander through these woods, on my way to distant lands. The tears which were on my face have long since dried, and I combed the tangles from my hair that first night I stopped.

So many things have happened since that day, some worse than the ones that drove me to renounce my vows. And yet...there was none of the anger, no sense of betrayal or shouting up at those invisible beings whom I had believe held some measure of control upon my life.

Perhaps I was too wrapped up in this idea of "gods"....like they were some fantastical playmates. Or worse yet, parents who meted out justice and rewards as they saw fit.

*snorts and climbs a hill, coming to a stop at the peak and looking out into a wide green valley, blinking in the bright sunlight*

When you set yourself up for a fall like that, it's no wonder it hurts so much when reality comes crashing in on you.

I am my own woman....always have been, but somewhere along the way I got sucked into that thing I have always disliked. The idea that the "gods" control what happens to us and we are but mere pawns in their savage delightful games.

*the Wanderer continues down into the valley, headed for a wide, blue lake*

Unfortunately, with this realization comes a certain amount of clarity and also a certain amount of loss. Going back is not an option...I do not have the same faith in individual divinities that I once did.

And yet, even in my childish rage the other days, I could not bring myself to give up all that I had and had learned and dive straight into a belief in nothing.

I know there is something out there...maybe it's just energy, and the manifestations of the divine are merely our way of coping with the awesome feeling of the whole universe around us, I don't know.

*smiles and stops before the lake, dropping her pack and stripping out of her clothes*

What I do know...is I am again on a journey of discovery, and I'm sure, like the last time I'll end up where I need to be.

*dives into the water*

as before...this journal is intended for the use of the author, unless otherwise noted

[WandererInGray]

*the wanderer emerges from the water and lays down on a large rock to dry in the sun*

Things are definately looking better, all things considered. There's a little worry for the future, but that's typical I think. I look on this now as the most important opportunity that I could possibly be handed.

I stumbled across an article in the state newsletter about a victim's advocacy group for the State Patrol. While those are paid positions and there is nothing open right now. I was quick to find out that there are volunteer positions open down in Colorado Springs, and quite possibly Castle Rock as well.

For some reason, this knowledge has stirred something in my soul....some spark I've long ignored.

And, I think, the bottom line is this...when I am not writing, I need a job where I can touch people's lives, do some good, be of some use. I don't feel whole otherwise.

[WandererInGray]

*The BoA card is paid and ready to be closed as soon as the payment goes through.

*Nallia's payments for her tickets are in the mail and on their way, we're one step closer to having that problem out of our hair. Now we just have to survive the court appearance on the 5th.

*We've got a kitchen table, coffee table and end tables to be delivered on Wednesday. While I wish we'd waited a little longer on them, I have to remind myself that it's not my credit and not my decision.

*I get paid on Friday.

********************************************

*wanderer sits at a campfire, alternately staring up into the starry sky or the fire.*

I'm not sure what to say anymore. Things have been rough, sure...and at times the only thing keeping me going has been the thought of a better tomorrow.
But there's no promises here. We'd like to think that things are going to get better in January, with the start of the new year, but who's to say that they will? *sighs and shrugs*

Hél, I'm so used to having a pitiful bank balance that having $93 in my checking account close to the end of the month seems like a boon to me. It's miles better than writing a check and hoping that it doesn't clear until after you paid, that's for sure.

I've got two paychecks left, and Christmas to get through, though I'm going to pay a small sum on the Citibank and try like crazy not to use it at all for the month of December. Credit is evil, and as far as I can tell just keeps you from living your life.

I'm looking forward to Christmas, despite all the money shortness. I'm hoping if I budget this right I'll have more than enough left over for Christmas presents and the like. Though things might be easier where my siblings are concerned because we're talking about donating to Toys for Tots instead of presents this year.

*tosses another log on the fire*

But regardless, things are good. We're fed and clothed and living in a country that considers our freedoms important regardless of what they are.

I can't complain, I'm blessed.

[WandererInGray]

"cup of coffee and my bags are packed, same vow not to look back, familiar emptiness inside, as the distance grows wide....

*the wanderer sighs and shoulders her pack, as it is again time to move on....one last kiss for her love until Christmas time and then blinking back tears she walks forward*

It's not leaving this place that is so hard. *soft sigh* I still hate this place, no matter how much time I spend here, how hard I try, I can't make it mine...can't get settled in and feel comfortable here.

It's leaving him that is so hard, and going back to my life that is whole and yet not for the lack of him always being there.

But I miss my kittens, and my own bed, and our house that doesn't squeak and rattle at night and lets me sleep. I miss the cold, that nice dry cold you can warm up from and not this damp stuff that gets into my joints.

I'm moving into the close of the year, and the ending of a lot of things...chief among them my job which I have enjoyed so well. Not only for the financial security it has provided but for the opportunities that I have gained from it.

But now is the time to forge the unknown, try it on for size and see how it feels to me. It's a little scary to look down into that stretch of forest and wonder what awaits me, but I'll never know for sure if I just stand here and worry.

*smiles and checks the campsite once more to make sure everything is accounted for, and then heads off around the lake into the rising sun*

[WandererInGray]

Just applied at a job for a Workshop Coordinator. *puzzled chuckle* Lots of traveling involved apparently, maybe even out of the country as they said a passport was required.

I know I've said that I'm going to take some time off, but something pushed me to apply for this job. *sighs and shrugs*

Let this new insurance chance Nallia has not be another scam like the last one. *sighs* I'd love to skin those people for their crappy practices, but karma has its own plans I guess. :D I hope her friend sues the pants off them and wins.

I'm trying not to think too much about how we'll survive through January and February...there's always my parents as an extreme backup, but I'm hoping that I can keep them there. And credit as well, but again as backup. I want to keep paying this down as fast as possible.

[WandererInGray]

*She sits upon the open plain, twilight falling fast and the sun just peeking at the edge of the horizon. It gets colder out here, with no trees or bushes to block the whistle of the wind, and the wanderer has done what she can to bunk down next to a sloping hill in this flat landscape.

Her small fire crackles in the night, and darkness comes as the sun gives up its fight for the day, the stars appearing overhead in startling brilliance

The wanderer coaxes several embers from the fire with her hand and sends them in a spiral dance into the air, then back down into the fire where they can do no harm.*

I still cannot bring myself to believe again. I try at times, but it just doesn't seem real to me anymore. I like the simplicity that I feel...this strange emptiness where there is nothing inside me to depend upon but me.

And I wonder on that dream last night. The "liar" part especially. Do I feel that I was lied to? Or is it just that I expected too much, trusted too much, believed in too much?

*shrugs and lays down to look up at the stars*

I wish I could wander like this for real. That I could just chuck all that worry and fear away and forget the endless cycle of work/consume/work which is driving me insane. But there's always that little responsible voice in the back of my head that keeps chattering at me like a damned monkey.

*wraps her cloak closer and rolls over to stare into the fire*

I find it hard to care much anymore.

[WandererInGray]

Across the plains she wandered, aching in her heart and soul for those things she had lost. Shying from settlements except to occasionally barter for supplies, the Wanderer steadily made her way west to the high range of black mountains.

One evening, as the sun sank below the hill again, the wanderer spied a small campfire near a lone tree ahead of her.

"Come sit down child." The hunchbacked old woman at the fire called to her as if she'd been expecting visitors. "Come have some tea."

The Wanderer sat on the opposite side of the fire, eyes watching the old woman closely for signs of treachery and her hand resting casually on her sword hilt. The old woman looked up and chuckled, handing a worn cup over, the tea steaming into the night air.

"You are quite safe, child. I'm not here to judge you, only to speak with you."

She had to swallow hard to get the tea past the sudden lump in her throat. "Speak to me? You were waiting for me?"

"Of course." Another chuckle. "Relax your hand, child. You are in no danger here. I believe you have some questions for me."

[WandererInGray]

There was a long pause, and then Wanderer put her cup down and let her head fall forward into her hands. "I don't know." She said softly, looking up then into the old woman's blue eyes.
"If I am happy being empty, then why am I here? Why am I still searching?"

"Because it is in your nature, child." The old woman replied with a smile. "You need to be emptied to fill yourself up again, it is just the way things are."

"But why did it have to hurt so badly? And why now? I can't refill myself with what I had, it doesn't feel right anymore. But I can't seem to let go of it either."

The old woman looked up at the stars and then shrugged. "It's hard to say why we hold onto things that no longer serve us any purpose, especially when all it really does is prevent us from finding things that do." She reached up and plucked a star from the sky, holding it out to Wanderer in the palm of her hand. "This is the echo of the fire inside you, see?"

The Wanderer glanced down in surprise to see an answering glitter near her heart. "But..."

"No buts." The old woman replied, tossing the star back into the sky. "It glows inside you. It glows out here. There's no separation between what goes on inside you and what goes on around you. You live in difficult times, child, and things may be difficult for you at times as well. But if you keep this with you, and keep hope alive, then it can never get truly dark." The fire winked out, but Wanderer could still see the spark inside her as the old woman's voice floated on the wind. "See...even in the dark, the star in you is still alive."

[WandererInGray]

"This doubt is neither me nor mine; it is impersonal.
It arises from causes and conditions, and will pass with the passing of those causes and conditions."

Good advice.

*sits in lotus pose, watching the sun rise slowly, staining the sky in shades of rose, lavender, and amber.*

I keep getting messages about not trying to go back to the way things were. Which is, admittedly, what I have been trying to do. I really need to just accept the fact that I lost my faith and move on from there....not spend all this energy and anguish in trying to recapture something that I've lost for good. Only by moving forward can I possibly regain something even remotely similar to what I once had.

And honestly, the more I think about it, the more I don't want what I once had.
My old life was about dependence, on credit, on gods, on knowing what was coming before hand so I could plan and prepare for it.

With the end of this year, comes the end of that old life. And if I had any sense at all I'd realize I don't want that back. I have new inspirations and dreams and the opportunity to forge ahead and see what those will make of me.

I want to cultivate a more environmentally sound life...meaning buying organic, using herbs instead of medicine and chemical products, using environmentally sound cleaning methods.

I want to spend more time with those I care about...my family, my roommates, my love most of all. I still don't know how that will be managed, but am holding out the hope that something will allow me to do this.

I want to pay off this debt...in a manner that's not just going to throw me back into the cycle over and over again. I want to not care about it quite so much. I don't have any credit left and I'm facing unemployment, if that doesn't deliver a ringing slap for my previous ways I don't know what does. I know I have an obligation to pay that off, but I also have an obligation to keep a roof over my head, a car to get to a job, and things like food. Those things take priority and the rest of it can just go to hél for all I care at the moment.

I'm still not done down-sizing....I have so many belongings that would be better suited to other people and have grown increasingly tired of all these material things that I never use/read/wear, etc. That is at the top of my list after the first of the year....to set about getting all these items onto Ebay and out of the house, one way or another.

*takes a deep breath and looks up to where the moon is slowly disappearing in the sun's warm glow*

Life is so impermanent...and I have no idea what I've been doing for the last ten years of my life. But I do know what I haven't been doing.

I haven't been living my dream...and that's going to change.

[WandererInGray]

Why do I have to see job listings for things I think I'd like to do that are set to start at a completely innapropriate time? *soft sigh* I wish I could get over this fear of being unemployed so I'm not so torn between getting a job right away versus taking a couple of months off.

Ah well, I suppose I'll just keep an eye on their job listings, see what comes up next.

I really need to talk to my parents about next month, see what (if anything) they can help out with. All we need is the time to get back on our feet really, without something else knocking us back down.

[WandererInGray]

As I sit here at my work...my last days here dwindling to a close and not really having anything else to be doing, I've come up with a list of 10 things I'd like to get done with the time I have off.

1. Workout 6 times a week
2. Get my room and basement organized
3. Clean out clutter
4. Get a rough draft of Book Two finished
5. Meditate
6. Finish scarf
7. Read & remove two books on my shelves
8. Eat better
9. Go to one retreat or sacred place
10. Spend at least 15 days outdoors

I am glad to be going, and I know that everything will be all right. As scary as this is, it is a great opportunity for me to finally buckle down and get some concentrated work done on my writing like I've always wanted to.

And even more so, this is the quiet time my soul needs. The opportunity for introspection that I've been unconsciously longing for over the past six months or more. I have a feeling that if I pass up an opportunity like this, I'll never see one again.

So I forge bravely ahead, through the dark of night and into the light of day, my eyes aglow with the wonder of the world, and my heart beating with the sacredness of it all.

"No one ever had to be afraid of endings," said Amos, "Because there aren't any. No endings. Just new beginnings. Isn't it a wonderful world? Isn't it a wonderful life?"
~Oddkins, by Dean Koontz

[WandererInGray]

*the wanderer settles up against a pine tree and pulls out her pipe, clamping it between her teeth and sighing happily*

...There is something oddly cathartic about cleaning things up and getting ready to say goodbye to this place for good.

I think it has something to do with the challenge of wiping myself from existance in this place...even though I know that is all but impossible.

Cleaning out drawers, and cleaning off desk. Taking pictures and things down from walls. Even finding homes for the plants I don't want to take with me. All these things are a way for me to clear out of here and leave it blank for the next person to come along (*laughs* whenever that will be)

I am sad and yet not. Worried, but excited. Though this dicotomy doesn't bother me, it's simply the nature of a Taurus/Dragon facing change. *soft smile*

I have so many things I want to do with this time off, and my only wish is that I don't worry too much about money and distract myself from the business at hand.

*chuckle* Other than the people, the only thing I'm really going to miss about this place is the high-speed internet.

[WandererInGray]

*...the water was cold when it closed over her head, shocking her back into consciousness and her feet kicked desperately until her head broke the surface...she gasped for breath, kicking furiously as they'd tied her wrists together, and barely registering the laughing jeers of the pirates above...*

You'll pay for this one, even if I sink below these waves for good, you'll pay. *she thought, hands twisting, feet pushing as she took a deep breath and sank back down into the darkness*

It would be so easy to just give up, let the water and mermaids pull her into the depths...all the worries would be gone, all the fears, all the struggling and pain.... *she stopped kicking and sank like a stone, eyes wide and taking in the splendor of the blue depths around her, colored fish streaking back and forth, and above her the hull of the ship which had just dumped her*

*the anger flared*

Damned will I be if I let some no account pirates win this game! *and she shot towards the surface, breaking the water like a dolphin at play...it was then she saw the other ship approaching, and smelt the cannon fire, heard the yells of combat, and looked just in time to see him dive off the side*

"My lady." dark eyes twinkled, as he cut her bonds with his silver dagger.

"What took you so long?"

"I was waiting to see if you were going to come up." He replied with a wry smile. "Or try a new career as a mermaid."

[WandererInGray]

I have my health...there are plenty who don't.
I have money in my bank account, meger though it may be....there are plenty who don't.
I am educated and capable...there are plenty who aren't.
I am bright and happy...there are plenty who cannot be.
I have a roof over my head no matter what...there are plenty who don't.
I have a bed and a TV and a computer...there are plenty who don't.
I have books to read and can read...there are plenty who can't and don't.
I have a family who loves me...there are plenty alone.
I have friends to count on...many cannot say the same.
I have the luxury of deciding my own path...there are plenty who are trapped by tradition or force.

I refuse to feel sorry for myself, for as bad as things may be at times, they are never quite that bad...and they really never will be. I do not let it cost me sleep nor worry about things I cannot control.

I will stand on my own, as there is nothing in this world or out of it to hold me up.
I will not fall to false hope and I will work to make my dreams come true. Barriers are just things to step over or go around, or if need be to go through. Only if you stop and weep and wail over them do they become insurmountable blockades.

[WandererInGray]

*the wanderer sits before a large gray rock, the following words carved upon it*


"By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really matter. Full of darkness and danger they were and sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because you want the end to be happy. How can the world go back to the way it was when so much bad is happening? But in the end, it's only a passing thing. The shadows, the darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer. Those are the stories that stay with you, that meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. So I think Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. All of the people in those stories had lots of chances for turning back, but they didn't, they kept going, because they were holding onto something."

"What are we holding onto, Sam?" Frodo asked sadly.

"That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it's worth fighting for."

[WandererInGray]

Sam says the darkness must pass. Everything I've read says the darkness must pass and the light will shine again.

But I can't see it. I don't even know if I have the strength to try anymore, or if it's even worth it. There are no gods, no higher powers, no fates or destinies. There is only this pitiful existance and what we can scratch out of it. And right now I'd rather die here, shivering in the cold than wrap myself in the false security blanket of religion that is offered to me.

The words form in my mind, but I can't put them to paper. We worry about money, and yet close ourselves off from each other. Money...always the damned blasted money dogging our heels. I can't even remember a time when it wasn't a problem now.

And I'm tired. I don't want to be the one to hold it together anymore. *shakes head* I don't care if that scares or upsets people, I've done it for so long I just don't have the strength anymore.

Like Frodo and that blasted ring...*sighs*...things really are simpler there, no matter what Tracy thinks. I'd take the pure black and white over this gray anyday. The point of a sword and a just cause over unemployment, mounting bills and people who don't know how to come out and say what they mean.

I can't even lose myself in a world of my making anymore...the darkness has grown so thick, too thick to see through. And I am too tired to try.

This entry is brutal, but it's mine and I take full responsiblity for it. If you have questions about it, ask. Don't assume, just ask. :rolleyes:

And you know...more than anything, I wish I'd listened when they told me credit cards were a bad idea.

[WandererInGray]

*snorts* So after all that....I stumble across this, from the movie Fallen

"There are moments which mark your life. Moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same.
And time is divided--before this, and after this.
Now sometimes you can feel the moment coming. That's the test.
At times like that, strong people keep moving forward anyway, no matter what they're going to find."

*sticks her tongue out*

Well didn't I? Don't I always keep moving forward, even when I get knocked ten paces backwards? Haven't we all been trying to move forward dispite all that happens to us?

I am so tired of this seesaw between dispair and sheer fury.

[WandererInGray]

*There is a small temple in the wood, and it is with some trepidation that the Wanderer enters...

the wooden floor is warm beneath her bare feet where the sunlight plays across the surface....sandlewood and jasmine and vanilla mix in the air, the incense wreathing around a large brass statue of Lakshmi...

her four hands alight about her, one spilling coins onto the floor, the others holding cups aloft...

Wanderer sinks to her knees before the statue and bows humbly, pressing her folded hands to heart, lips and head before sinking back into a childlike pose before the altar*

I have long been wanderering, my soul and heart so raw and sore. For a while I could not believe, because to do so meant opening myself up to the pain.

But now I have found that it is more painful to be closed off and separated from you all, and that I can no longer bear.

I am, as I ever was...yours.

[WandererInGray]

Help us....please.

I know this is a pit of my own making, but if you don't stop shovelling crap on top of us I'm just going to give up and let you bury me.

I'm so tired of fighting.

[WandererInGray]

I am, and have always been a warrior.

But in this past year, I have discovered a stronger part of me buried away.

The warrior monk.

He knows when to strike and when to stay his blade.
When to speak, and when to keep silent.
He knows that there is a thin line between hate and pity. "The pity of Bilbo may rule the fate of the world."
He knows that sometimes the satisfaction comes from walking away from a fight instead of wading into it.

*sinks into lotus pose and folds her hands before her heart*

Buddha grant me wisdom and sympathy, patience for the young, and strength to be the stronger one. The event in the next two days should be a time of celebration, and I will not let it be otherwise....nor will I be responsible for making it other than what it should be.

Grant me patience and the strength to hold my tongue.

Namarié

[WandererInGray]

Watch over my sister and give her strength and patience.

[WandererInGray]

*folds herself into Sukhasana and stares at the candle flame*

There is so much I have dreamed of in my life...so many things I want to see and do, but the time seems to be trickling away and everytime I blink I've lost another day, another month, another year.

I know in my heart that I can do these things I dream if I only work at it, and not spend my days whiling away at frivolous things, but that is easy to write....and much harder to do for some reason.

What is this obstacle that impedes me? That makes me second guess taking a yoga class, or convince myself I don't have the money for KungFu? That blanks my mind when I put pen to paper, and makes me weary when it is time to take care of my health?

*soft sigh* For all my seeking I have not yet been able to find what my restless soul is looking for.

[WandererInGray]

Airplane Musings 19/2/2003

There are always things I want to do, there are journals riddles with half-finished dreams and repeated plans. As time goes by it seems that there are certain dreams which crop up more and more often for me.

Writing is definately one of those, and I'm working on it...if a bit slowly. Yoga is another, though it seems to be something I do more reading and talking about than actual doing. But I'm working on that too. There is a great temptation to ignore the class I've found. To put it off as too far to go, not the right time, or even too much money when we're struggling so hard to get by.

But I promised myself things when I lost my job, things that are important to my soul. And I cannot bear the thought of looking back from year's end with yet another load of regrets bearing me down.

So do this I will. And I will keep doing it after I am employed. There is a reason for it somewhere, buried deep within my heart, and with enough kindness that flower may bloom again.