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View Full Version : Nice constructive criticism needed ^_^



Jay
July 15th, 2009, 10:54 PM
I have started to write a book about a girl who travels the astral realm(s) unknowingly (at first at least). But the thing I wanted criticism mainly focused on is my style of language.

Please could I have the PROS and CONS of what you read before I carry on using the style I'm using?
:thumbsup:
Thanks Peeps ^_^
-Jay-




Gate of Excelsior


The azure sky remained hidden behind the tessellated fleet of smoky grey clouds. As the clouds continued over the land their shadows took the life out of anything below. A rose was the first entity to become a victim of this masochistic lack of light. As the shadow passed over the innocent crimson rose it transpired in to a tone of murky grey, wilted, and dispersed to the floor as though it were ash blown from a hand.
As the ominous sadistic shadows continued to skim across the land the ground flamelessly blistered as the soil deviously charred. Rivers began to boil, evaporate and ultimately gather in the skies above to form more opaque clouds. The shadow marched further on until it had reached its final destination.
It came to cease at the heels of a lost little soul. Her body shaking with fear daring not to look back to the shadows which was now breathing on the back of her neck. It continued past her. She was stood solitary in the centre of a beacon of of unsourced light. Everywhere around her now had decayed and turned into pulps of ash. All, except for her own little spot. The shadows in front of her intensified and formed a fearsome tsunamic wave. Her eyes clenched tightly with anticipation...

“Wake up Verity!” Her sapphire blue eyes opened wide as coins as she sat upright and reached out for her dad’s reassuring broad shoulder.
“It happened again, Dad!” cried Verity into her dad’s fleece chocolate brown dressing gown. “The same, dark, empty place! The same breeze, smell, taste, feel, fear, shadows...”
“It’s alright sweetheart” he interrupted, “Daddy’s here! Don’t be scared, it’s only a nightmare.” His big broad hands were the perfect reassuring remedy for her comforting needs. Her father’s reassuring embrace allowed fear to decline and allow time to cease for wiping away her tears and recomposing herself. It was only a dream after all: merely a concoction of a vivid imagination partnered with the after-effects of a lucid dream. Verity clothed herself and made her way to the kitchen table where her older brother, Kai, was already seated.
“Dad, is my breakfast ready yet?”
“It won’t be a moment Kai so just hold your horses.”
“But you been upstairs with her for ages!” moaned Kai as he looked down his arm coupled with his pointed finger at Verity.
“Kai, if you want me to keep making you breakfast then you should just stay there nice and quietly. If you don’t, you can get upstairs and go get your school uniform on!”
“Dad?” asked Verity in an elongated manner with one of those undertones which was about to ask for something.
“Nope!” he snarled jokingly.
“But you don’t even know what I was going to ask!” The lights on the cordless house phone began to glow bright blue.
“Dad, a woman’s on the phone!” said Kai as he passed the phone to his dad.
“Eddie speaking, can I help? Yes, of course it’s not a problem...I’m getting used to being a chauffer these days!” he chuckled. “See to you shortly, take care, bye!” He pressed the big blue button, looked to the ceiling and let out an elongated sigh.
“Who was that dad?” asked Kai.
“Never mind breakfast, can you guess what Daddy’s doing? He’s driving the school bus today as Rodger can’t make it!”

BenSt
July 16th, 2009, 01:38 AM
I used to do a fair bit of writing a while ago, nothing really substantial but I hope the following will atleast be of use!

a pro I see is that it's nicely paced, it doesnt go too fast.

The cons I see is that you use too much descriptive adjectives, and at times it's a little difficult to read. There's also no emotion in the writing. You use emotions as terms, but you tell what those emotions are instead of showing. the best piece of advice I ever recieved was show the story, don't tell it. You could tell us that she was having a bad dream and felt scared, or you could show it us through her actions and her words.

Ask yourself this, who are you writing this for and then mimic the writing on what would be easier to read for that age group.