Crap family problems.

[DaevaDE]

I'm holding a family BBQ at my apartment soon..problem is I want both my dad and my mom their I've already invited both. I jsut sorta forgot to okay it with them first.

Just so you know why its a problem: My mom and dad are divorced, mom is dating this awsome guy, and my dad has long since remarried and has 2 wonderful kids. My parents no longer talk to each other and really dont like each other.

I just got off the phone with my mother and she says she and Larry(her boyfriend) are tottaly fine with dad andhis wife/kids being there and will not cause any problems.

But I still havent told my dad mom is going to be there. I'm afraid he and heather (his wife) wont be okay with it and i'll be forced to choose who to invite...and who to say no to. I dont want to be placed in that situation I really dont.

What do I do? I need to call my dad here soon but I just needed some input as to how to handle this

[DaevaDE]

Never mind He called me.. Not a minuet or two after I posted this. Asking if my mom would be there.

He's not coming. Says it would be too awkward. I'm not okay with this..he should just deal with it..its only for a few hours..Its not like I expect them to talk to each other.

I cant stop crying either..It hurts. I just wanted my family together again i just wanted to be able to see both my parents at once.

What are they going to do when we have the wedding huh? is one of them not going to come?

I cant deal with this it makes me want to call the whole thing off.

[Glowy]

It is no longer your problem. There is no reason you can not invite long ago married people to your BBQ. They are both with others.They both love you. If they can not act like adults.. they need to leave. You are the daughter, they need to put the past in the past and since they both have a SO suck it up.

I don't know if you are married or have kids.. but this is par for the course.

[yarrow_elfglow]

*hugs* sending you peace and calming energy

[Glowy]

Never mind He called me.. Not a minuet or two after I posted this. Asking if my mom would be there.

He's not coming. Says it would be too awkward. I'm not okay with this..he should just deal with it..its only for a few hours..Its not like I expect them to talk to each other.

I cant stop crying either..It hurts. I just wanted my family together again i just wanted to be able to see both my parents at once.

What are they going to do when we have the wedding huh? is one of them not going to come?

I cant deal with this it makes me want to call the whole thing off.
ahh, I know now... that is BS. Your dad had a family with this women.. and he is keeping your step sibs from this BBQ because it will be awkward to see your mom.?. buggers that stinks.

((hugs)) sorry sweetie

[DaevaDE]

Its not that he wants to keep my siblings away, its that HE and HIS wife will be uncomfertable. It pisses me off so much that my mother who I still am on sorta rocky terms with will put aside this crap and come but my father who is always there for me wont do it.

Its been 4 years I think they could just deal with it.

The worst part is I hardly ever get to see them(my dad, stepmom and siblings.) because they live a short drive yet long bus ride away. I just wanted to have a family get together so my family could meet michaels family and get the chance to spend time with my family which i ahvent gotten to do in so long.

yarrow_elfglow - Thanks I really do appreciate it.

[DaevaDE]

Well now that the stronger emotions have settled I'm far calmer. I'm still mad, still upset. But i'm not crying anymore. I've posted a blog on facebook, A rant actually and I felt so much better after doing so. Maybe its because I know my stepmom may see it and show my father. I cant tell my dad I'm not okay with it so instead i go in circles hoping he gets the message somehow.

I'm not going to let my dad ruin this for me. I'm going to enjoy being with my family. I'm not going to make special accomdations for my dad.

Michael suggested we hold a whole nothe bbq later on and invite my dad instead of my mom to it. I told him no. I'm not going to go out my way like that.

[WynterWynd]

Here is a BIG :hugz: for you!

And now, please dont think I'm chewing at you...cause I'm not
Your formerly married parents are the ones that need to work this out, FOR YOU!
Thats great if your mom can 'bite the bullet' and be around her x for a few hours for her daughter! Kudos to her!
Your dad, on the other hand, needs to remember that even tho he is re-married and has other kiddos, YOU are still his daughter and sometimes his comfort and the comfort of his new family need to be a secondary consideration to your feelings and needs.
Its only a few hours. Its not like you are all moving into a small cramped apartment to live together forever. Its one afternoon.

I so hope that you can find a work around for this.
Can you invite mom and SO for part of the BBQ and dad and SO/kiddos for the other part? I would make it suggestion to your dad....it couldn't hurt.

Good luck....and don't call anything off.
I certainly wouldn't :hugz:

[DaevaDE]

Well I sent my dad an email later the night I posted this, I was still mad and should have sent it when I was calmer as it was rather...blunt and cold about how bad he hurt my feelings etc.

He didnt respond I didnt ask about it when I called.

Today my mom called to say she cant make it since she has to work. So I called dad and asked him to come, and he said he would. And then said he did get my email. I appoligized and he said it was fine and he understood why I was upset and explained to me why exactly he didnt want to be around my mother. Alot of the reasons are the same as my own for not liking my mom that much. I still wish both could be there but I guess fate if you will saw how much I wanted my father there, and saw to it that would happen.

Everyones canceled last minuet though sadly. My dad, stepmom and siblings will be there though :) as well as myself and hubby. I think it'll be a nice day with them. I'm looking foward to it.

I do hope they can be civil when it comes to them being around each other for our wedding which may be this winter if it all goes well.

[DaevaDE]

I'd sorry i'm posting in here so much.. But i need to vent otherwise I'll just keep crying.

So my sister (whos 19) said a week ago she'd come to the BBQ, I called her 3 hours ago she said she would come..then a few minuets ago I get a message on MYSPACE. on f-n myspace, saying

"not gonna be able to make it tommorow.. kinda not wanting to be around him cause he put his ****in hands on u that still doesnt sit well with me ya know and ron dont want to have to be that guy who hits him for bein an ass or sumthin.. sorry i hope that u understand where i'm comin from on this one. write me back "

eWhat the hell!? Seriously...this couldnt be full of more BS if she tried. I'm so tired of being let down by family like this I havent seen my sister since april...I was looking foward to it. I ended up calling my dad crying, and he assured me he and heather wont back out last minuet and will be there. I'm so pissed that LAST minuet people pull this crap.

With my sister I'm betting someone invited her to some party to get drunk or something and she decided that was more important.

screw her, screw my mother. At least my dad had a good excuse...I dont believe for a second mom had to work I heard it in her voice, I dont believe my sisters excuse either...

And yet I'm still crying over this...my family is really the only people that can make me cry like this anymore..I hate it.

[Glowy]

VB said it best. They need to put aside all the back stuff to celebrate with you, and this includes the wedding.

They don't have to be best friends, nobody is asking this.

[TuathaSidhe]

first, :hugz: to you. I know how hard this can be.

Personally....I think your dad took the higher road. He knew how he would feel and how his wife would feel and he did NOT want to bring that to your BBQ. At least that is the impression I get.

I understand that you want them both there, but at the cost of things being uncomfortable? Awkward? Hard?

I get that you wanted the bbq to be a fun happy event and he admited that it wouldnt be that for him and with him there and your mother there.

I look at it differently...you are an adult, they dont have to have anything to do with each other anymore. To often the kids never know why parents get divorced...mine never will. I refuse to tell them what their father did to me, and I plan on telling them when my oldest son is 18 that I want nothing to do with their father...the only exception is if they get married.

I have my reasons, reasons I dont have to tell anyone. It may sound "immature" to some, but to me it would be immature to put myself in a position with him that could cause more harm than just saying I dont want to be around him.

Your father might feel the same way.

I know its upsetting...for years I wanted nothing more than to see my parents together, they were never together. Growing up though, I realized that they have issues between them and its better they are seperate. They both love me, and I love them.

I wouldnt want to put either of them in an awkward situation with each other, and they wouldnt want to put me in one either.

But I do remember the feelings and its not fun, no matter how much logical sence one makes of it. :hugz:

I hope you feel better soon.

[thecraftywitch]

Sometimes family gets so caught up in their own BS that they neglect one of its members feelings. I personally havent talked to my own dad in years, because he is too unhealthy for me to be around. But that is a hard choice, for most. Try for your own life and sanity to find your own joy and if they dont want to participate in it, to hell with em I say !

Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear. (http://www.quotationspage.com/quote/2744.html) http://www.quotationspage.com/icon_info.gif (http://www.quotationspage.com/quote/2744.html)http://www.quotationspage.com/icon_plus.gif (http://www.quotationspage.com/myquotations.php?add=2744)http://www.quotationspage.com/icon_email.gif (http://www.quotationspage.com/quote/2744.html#email)http://www.quotationspage.com/icon_blank.gif
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Henry_Wadsworth_Longfellow/) (1807 - 1882)

[DreamSpell333]

Im sorry that you are dealing with this. My hsubands parents are divorced and do not get along at all. We invited them both to our wedding and they fought off and on the whole time. My mother in law was upset and had to move one of the cars and missed out on photos with the wedding party.

I get along with both my in law's but we dont mention the other to one another.. just mentioning "oh dad's visiting us in september" makes my mother in law angry and starts talking &^%$ about him..

they both made mistakes when my dh and his sister were little but they both see themselves as the one that did everything for their kids.. (complicated..)

I would say try to have your mother and father over at different times . That will keep you happy to see both of them even if seperately and you wont have to stress over who wont be coming because they cant/wont be around the other..
:hugz: to you