Earth Walker
May 18th, 2001, 05:22 PM
I received this this in the snail-mail today, an article by
Simon Teakettle....very humourous. :bigredgri
I've been watching all these game shows on television, and I've
noticed that on one of them, some humans don't even have to
answer silly questions in order to win a lot of money. It's called
The Lottery. I intend to buy a ticket with my earnings from
CATS magazine, and I've already decided how I'll spend my
winnings.
First, I'm going to buy my own house with floor-to-ceiling
screened windows on all four sides. The north side of the house
will face lots of trees, giving me a nice view of squirrels. chipmunks, rabbits and nesting birds.
On the east side of the house, there will be a rock garden with
wildflowers to attract butterflies, a waterfall to dip my paws in,
a bird bath and lots and lots of bird feeders.
The west side of the house will face a duck pond surrounded by broad, flat rocks where I can sit and sun myself.
To the south will be a broad lawn, with no trees blocking the
sunshine, on which a minitiature golf course especially designed
cats will have an unlimited supply of balls I can send skittering
in all directions. I might employ a dog to retrieve these.
There will be a high fence all around the property. Not to keep
me in, mind you, but to keep intruders out.
Inside the house, interior walls will have ladders leading to
observation platforms at various heights. These walls will contain
lots of mouse holes, and there will be no doors for inconsiderate
humans to close.
One entire room will be devoted to a giant, wall-to-wall litterbox.
Another room will have a huge goldfish bowl in the middle, quite shallow and without a cover, bordered with carpet.
The house will have to have a human inhabitant, of course, to
provide necessary services, as well as a warm lap. This individual
will clean without the assistance of any noisy electrical appliances,
keep the litterbox in pristine order, refill bird feeders, replenish
goldfish and frogs, and provide fresh food and water.
She or he will be provided with the following recipe for Simon
Teakettle's Gourmet Cat Food:
* Boil 18 fish heads in four cups of water.
* Strain
* Add diced mouse tails and chopped chicken livers to this broth.
* Garnish with catnip
There will be posters hung on the kitchen wall, where humans
can read such useful and amusing homilies as:
Don't Diet--Cats Like Fat Laps.
Fire Your Analyst--Petting A Cat Is The Best Therapy.
Plant Catnip And Never Mow Your Lawn Again!
To Err Is Human, To Purr Divine.
All of the mail delivered to this magnificent abode would be
addressed to Yours Truly, Valentines and birthday wishes (which
I accept all year round) will arrive daily, along with photos of
feline friends, letters from admirers, and gifts of ripe nectarines,
bunches of bananas and peanut butter cookies.
Of course there would be furniture: velvet couches off of which
no one is allowed to chase me, snug chairs to curl up in, deep
cushions tucked against windows and a heated waterbed for
chilly nights.
I would entertain close friends by serving catnip tea with little mouse canapes.
Entertainment would be provided by soft music (no violins!),
cat toys rotated daily (I would be willing to share a few of these with my pals, hiding my favorites under the rugs to retrieve later)
and watching nature shows on television.
If any money is left over, I'll give it to the Humane Society, since my very first home was the Gatineau SPCA, and I'm not completely
selfish.
But before I give them any of my winnings, I'll make sure that they wouldn't allow The Lady Who Shares My Computer to adopt
another kitten while I'm still around.
OK, send me some tickets. I'm ready to scratch and win!
For those who love, time is eternity....
Simon Teakettle....very humourous. :bigredgri
I've been watching all these game shows on television, and I've
noticed that on one of them, some humans don't even have to
answer silly questions in order to win a lot of money. It's called
The Lottery. I intend to buy a ticket with my earnings from
CATS magazine, and I've already decided how I'll spend my
winnings.
First, I'm going to buy my own house with floor-to-ceiling
screened windows on all four sides. The north side of the house
will face lots of trees, giving me a nice view of squirrels. chipmunks, rabbits and nesting birds.
On the east side of the house, there will be a rock garden with
wildflowers to attract butterflies, a waterfall to dip my paws in,
a bird bath and lots and lots of bird feeders.
The west side of the house will face a duck pond surrounded by broad, flat rocks where I can sit and sun myself.
To the south will be a broad lawn, with no trees blocking the
sunshine, on which a minitiature golf course especially designed
cats will have an unlimited supply of balls I can send skittering
in all directions. I might employ a dog to retrieve these.
There will be a high fence all around the property. Not to keep
me in, mind you, but to keep intruders out.
Inside the house, interior walls will have ladders leading to
observation platforms at various heights. These walls will contain
lots of mouse holes, and there will be no doors for inconsiderate
humans to close.
One entire room will be devoted to a giant, wall-to-wall litterbox.
Another room will have a huge goldfish bowl in the middle, quite shallow and without a cover, bordered with carpet.
The house will have to have a human inhabitant, of course, to
provide necessary services, as well as a warm lap. This individual
will clean without the assistance of any noisy electrical appliances,
keep the litterbox in pristine order, refill bird feeders, replenish
goldfish and frogs, and provide fresh food and water.
She or he will be provided with the following recipe for Simon
Teakettle's Gourmet Cat Food:
* Boil 18 fish heads in four cups of water.
* Strain
* Add diced mouse tails and chopped chicken livers to this broth.
* Garnish with catnip
There will be posters hung on the kitchen wall, where humans
can read such useful and amusing homilies as:
Don't Diet--Cats Like Fat Laps.
Fire Your Analyst--Petting A Cat Is The Best Therapy.
Plant Catnip And Never Mow Your Lawn Again!
To Err Is Human, To Purr Divine.
All of the mail delivered to this magnificent abode would be
addressed to Yours Truly, Valentines and birthday wishes (which
I accept all year round) will arrive daily, along with photos of
feline friends, letters from admirers, and gifts of ripe nectarines,
bunches of bananas and peanut butter cookies.
Of course there would be furniture: velvet couches off of which
no one is allowed to chase me, snug chairs to curl up in, deep
cushions tucked against windows and a heated waterbed for
chilly nights.
I would entertain close friends by serving catnip tea with little mouse canapes.
Entertainment would be provided by soft music (no violins!),
cat toys rotated daily (I would be willing to share a few of these with my pals, hiding my favorites under the rugs to retrieve later)
and watching nature shows on television.
If any money is left over, I'll give it to the Humane Society, since my very first home was the Gatineau SPCA, and I'm not completely
selfish.
But before I give them any of my winnings, I'll make sure that they wouldn't allow The Lady Who Shares My Computer to adopt
another kitten while I'm still around.
OK, send me some tickets. I'm ready to scratch and win!
For those who love, time is eternity....