Relationship problem.

[TheLittleWitchy]

I thought this might be the best place for this topic to get some advice and opinions...

I recently got into a new relationship, basically I fell in love with him before that and I honestly never felt this way about anyone else. It's like finding someone and it's almost like you know that they are so right for you. Just everything seems right and seems to fit.

Anyway, I don't lie in a relationship as there is no point in my opinion. One day we were talking about sex and such, and I said I didn't consider threesomes to be cheating as long as everyone taking part was fine with it and happy to be doing it. He wasn't happy at all, and said that we should stay friends - for now anyway. He is not okay with that sort of thing, however would be fine if I went off with a GIRL. His ex was with a lot of girls at the same time as being with him, and he was fine with it. He said he simply wanted her to explore her sexuality, as she had been confused. It's a rule to him that he puts in a relationship that if I wanted to have sex with another guy, it would be cheating. But it isn't the same with a girl.

Now, i understand to an extent. But to me, both is cheating if you are in a serious relationship. However threesomes are not. Cause obviously your partner would be there and taking part in it.

Another problem which cropped up only on Thursday, is when he said that he thinks I am hiding something from him. I am NOT hiding anything at all. He kept pressuring me and said that if I don't tell him that he is out of the relationship. There was nothing to tell, but I got upset and lied a little bit cause I really don't want to lose him. He said he didn't want to be with me anymore. Now we are just friends, however he said he needs time to think things through.

Who is in the wrong here? I have looked at myself and tore myself apart to see if I am in the wrong, but I just don't know.

Is it both of us who need to sort ourselves out and change a little? Cause am starting to wonder if feeling upset like this is actually worth a relationship.

[TheWomanMonster]

The boy has trust issues obviously,
and probably relating to a fear of having his woman leave him for another man.

You two need to sit down and talk and if he doesn't bend - break it off.

I was in a relationship for 5 years with a guy who didn't trust me (I didn't trust him either really) and it frigging sucked. Don't waste your time on something that doesn't come naturally.

[TheLittleWitchy]

Yeah, his ex did cheat with a guy. He has a very hard time trusting. But my ex cheated as well, so it hurts when he thinks I would cheat too. Cause I just wouldn't.

[TheWomanMonster]

Yeah, his ex did cheat with a guy. He has a very hard time trusting. But my ex cheated as well, so it hurts when he thinks I would cheat too. Cause I just wouldn't.

THAT is what you need to tell him.

Basically, yes I understand your ex girlfriend screwed you over - but I'm not her and that is not something I would ever do.

Either he gives in and you both go along for the ride, or he sticks in the mud and you leave him behind.

[Lunacie]

A threesome may not be seen as "cheating" but it can go wrong just as often as a secret affair.

If he's willing to talk about this, you may find a middle ground, or one may go along with the other. But it doesn't look great from where I'm sitting. Good luck and best wishes to you anyway.

[Terra Mater]

You thought he was a perfect fit for you and are finding out that he isn't. Now the question is how little are you willing to settle for?

If threesomes are important to you, then drop him like a bad habit and move on.

As for the "trust issues", what others see as trust issues I see as the start of overcontrol. Many abusive relationships start out with the abuser asserting control in exactly this manner. Of course, when you are in "love" you tell yourself that this guy isn't that way. Then again, that's what every abused partner told themselves in the beginning.

Just things to think about.

[thepuck]

Ditch him. He obviously has the self-awareness of a rock and is willing to act out his barely understood emotional impulses by accusing and attacking you. Now it is accusations and emotional attacks, but that lack of self-awareness and the projection of his fears and issues on to you can go very, very badly.

My main advice on relationships is always the same, because almost all relationship problems stem from the same problems: be an adult and be involved with adults. If you can't be self-aware and emotionally responsible, don't get into relationships until you can. If the person/people you want to be with can't be self-aware and emotionally responsible, don't be with them. I know this sounds harsh, but the fact is that love is NOT all you need...you need mature, responsible adults who can pursue their emotional lives with the same level of understanding and forethought you would expect them to use on the rest of their lives.

[Lilitu]

Ditch him. He obviously has the self-awareness of a rock and is willing to act out his barely understood emotional impulses by accusing and attacking you. Now it is accusations and emotional attacks, but that lack of self-awareness and the projection of his fears and issues on to you can go very, very badly.

My main advice on relationships is always the same, because almost all relationship problems stem from the same problems: be an adult and be involved with adults. If you can't be self-aware and emotionally responsible, don't get into relationships until you can. If the person/people you want to be with can't be self-aware and emotionally responsible, don't be with them. I know this sounds harsh, but the fact is that love is NOT all you need...you need mature, responsible adults who can pursue their emotional lives with the same level of understanding and forethought you would expect them to use on the rest of their lives.

Well said, thepuck!

[TheLittleWitchy]

Thanks everyone...well, we had a longgg conversation. And he seems more comfortable with everything and believes I won't cheat and such.

He has a really hard time trusting as he was abused by his mother as a child and his ex cheated on him...who he had been with for four years. So he is very nervous. He isn't a bad person at all, or controlling. He is the complete opposite in fact.

We are still friends although he said that part of him is telling him that he should go for it, but the other part is telling him to be careful.

So only time will tell I guess.

[TheWomanMonster]

Thanks everyone...well, we had a longgg conversation. And he seems more comfortable with everything and believes I won't cheat and such.

He has a really hard time trusting as he was abused by his mother as a child and his ex cheated on him...who he had been with for four years. So he is very nervous. He isn't a bad person at all, or controlling. He is the complete opposite in fact.

We are still friends although he said that part of him is telling him that he should go for it, but the other part is telling him to be careful.

So only time will tell I guess.

I'm glad you two were able to talk.
Maybe one day he'll be able to work through those things on his own.

[Xander67]

I agree with what Puck and TWM said. I think everyone deals with the one fear of what their mate is doing when they are not with them so this is where trust is very important. Some people resort to emotional and psychological abuse because they are so insecure and not able to trust that they will bring the other person down to where they think they wont be able to find anyone else.

I am 42.. I have been through a lot.. but the one thing I learned is trust takes time. Communication and little reasureing words go a long way sometimes. I hope you and your bf are able to work through this.

[meowmeow]

I agree that threesomes are OK as long as everyone involved respects each other. My friend tried this and his wife ended up cheating on him with the girl multiple times.. His definition of cheating was them fooling around and him not being part of it.. He kinda explained it to me like this; "A guy isn't threatened by a female, because she can't replace me. I'm a man."

Maybe your guy is scared of getting replaced by another dude? Maybe he says its okay for you to go with other females, because maybe he's scared if he tries to "rein you in"- you'll run off?

Personally I believe if you're in love, you love one person and you only have sexual/emotional desires for them.. So threesums and all that aren't for me, but it's cool for other people if they want. :) If someone I really loved was sexually confused, I'd let them go so they can find themselves. No matter how much I care about them, it doesn't give me a right to stop their personal growth.


if he doesn't bend - break it off.

:hi5:

[Xander67]

I
Personally I believe if you're in love, you love one person and you only have sexual/emotional desires for them.. So threesums and all that aren't for me, but it's cool for other people if they want. :) If someone I really loved was sexually confused, I'd let them go so they can find themselves. No matter how much I care about them, it doesn't give me a right to stop their personal growth.



:hi5:
I agree.
Threesomes are fun if you are not in a serious relationship but not for me either if I was in a serious relationship.

[trueseeker]

Ditch him. He obviously has the self-awareness of a rock and is willing to act out his barely understood emotional impulses by accusing and attacking you. Now it is accusations and emotional attacks, but that lack of self-awareness and the projection of his fears and issues on to you can go very, very badly.

My main advice on relationships is always the same, because almost all relationship problems stem from the same problems: be an adult and be involved with adults. If you can't be self-aware and emotionally responsible, don't get into relationships until you can. If the person/people you want to be with can't be self-aware and emotionally responsible, don't be with them. I know this sounds harsh, but the fact is that love is NOT all you need...you need mature, responsible adults who can pursue their emotional lives with the same level of understanding and forethought you would expect them to use on the rest of their lives.

wow.:hi5: Dear witchy, lots of hugs to you ,please follow your heart...and remember there are 2 great days in one's life:the day he or she is born,and the day he or she realises why...