Could use some opinions/advice

[Aegun]

This might be a bit of a long post so please be patient with me, I could really use some feedback/opinions/advice on this. Also, id just like to say first that im not the good guy in this, but non the less:

Im engaged to be married in alittle over 10weeks time to a wonderful woman. Ive known her for many years and she is loving and caring person. We were first together up untill late 2007 shortly before i joined the forces, she left thinking that it would change me too much for her to cope with. After about 8-10months into 2008 of little or no contact we started talking again and decided to give it another go.

Around this time however and old college friend got in touch with me and we caught up with each other and really hit it off. After a few weeks we both learned that we harboured feelings for each other back in college and that those feelings hadnt gone. Mid Feb 2009 i proposed to my fiance not quite sure what i was think but being in love i thought it would be a good step for us.

As the year went on, me and my college friend became very close, to the point where we counted each other amoung our best and closest friends. Being away from home and at camp 200miles away from my fiance made if difficult to see each other, i would maybe see her once a month for a weekend. I didnt really notice any problems arising in my relationship because i guess i had the ability to leave it all behind.

I went to Oman over yule and new years on duty last year. Out there i had more contact with my college friend and we had started to flirt alot more (previously it had been occsional) and stronger sexual feelings began to surface, and my mind started to play the "what if" games. My fiance and i did chat but not as consistantly, we would caht and leave huge pauses in the middle of the convos. Though i care for her deeply, i do often find myself encouraging her to pursue her hobbies, art, and looking after herself. Im an active guy and feel i can self motivate quite easily, so perhaps i might be feeling drained.

I got back mid jan this year and after discussing with my college friend we decided i would meet up with her first before head home properly, just for a day should i need to use work as an excuse to not be home as soon as i could. I think my friend and i both knew what was going to happen, and after a day of talking and her showing me a stone circle (a mini-Stonehenge) where she lived (which by simply being there made me feel more me than i have felt in many years, feeling alive and connected) we spent the night letting our sexual feelings come out.

I spent the rest of my leave back home with family and my fiance but needless to say it didnt feel quite the same. Guilt i know played a huge part, but it also felt like i spending my time not with my fiance but with a really good friend. We would go out, do stuff, have fun, have sex, but i didnt feel that connection or even i small part of it like what i use to feel.

More recently, my friend told me that she wants to be with me if I would want to be with her, but she wants me to be happy more than anything, regardless of what happens.

I not necessarily confused by the situation, but im scared of making decisions with getting a clearer picture of what other people think on this... so if you want to, please fire away.

[Bettie]

My opinion is that if you are sure that this other girl is the one you want, then go for it. But break up with your fiance first. You are still young, don;t rush into marriage if you are not 100% completely sure it's what you want, and definitely not when you have feelings for someone else.

Good luck with what must be a complicated and painful situation.... :)

[Wolf O Volos]

My opinion is that if you are sure that this other girl is the one you want, then go for it. But break up with your fiance first. You are still young, don;t rush into marriage if you are not 100% completely sure it's what you want, and definitely not when you have feelings for someone else.

Good luck with what must be a complicated and painful situation.... :)

exactly what Bettie said. Mirrors my thoughts completely.

[AmadoreEdana123]

yes, i think you need to end it with one of them. You cant have both and as long as it stays this way than someone is going to get hurt. Decide who you want and go with them. Decide BEFORE you do anything with either one again.

Thats just my opinion, but I hope you get it all figured out :hyper:

[Juniper138]

You are not ready for marriage. Do not let your fiance waste the best years of her life with a man who cannot stay faithful to her.

[Pagan_Soldier]

I have some input on this but will take awhile for me to post time i don't have right now but i can say your not the first person this has happend to nor will you be the last i will offer my addvice later today and i hope it helps.

[Pagan_Soldier]

Firstly are you sitting comfatably this could be a long read, so good luck and i'm sending you some energy by writing this hope it helps.

Ok the situation you find your self in is one i've delt with, at the time i did what i thought was right but looking back i could have done things differently.

So lets start at the begining shall we ^_^ i like stories lol.

I was single for a while and met a girl near to my base she was everything i was looking for in a partner at the time we dated and hit it off really well. We took it slow and built a decent relationship and well i thought great this could be the one (well until i did something like you did).

I went home on leave and bumped into an old friend from school who i'd liked the whole time we were at school, and well we got chatting about the good old days as you do. Turned out she had a thing for me too but as we moved in different groups we never got round to doing anything about how we felt.

So we agree to stay friends and that was all good for about five weeks but we just started fliting more and more, no harm right we just mate messing about. Well the girl near my base was away a lot with her work so i started going home when she was away to see my "Friend" and she was happy with that i was getting out when she was away and she wasn't bothered it was a girl i went to school with.

So my partner went to Ireland for a weeked working, I arragned to go to my friends get a take away and watch a few dvd's. It started out harmlessly we us just talking we put a film on well i'd picked some to set the mood if i'm honest. So about half way into the film we strat talking about the past again and we both explaned the reasons why we never acted, we each told each other that had the other just said we would have hooked up. Well that was it for the friendship right there at that point.

i was expecting a call from my partner that never came which made me a bit paranoide, and knowning that she still wanted me i felt like i had at school only this time around i knew she wanted me too. We never watched the rest of the film and i didn't leave that night and it was such a good night. it was like one of those parts from a film you think this can't be real, the next day i wake up and she talls me she wants to see me even though she knows i have a partner and i agree we say good by and i head home.

That was one of the longest drives i've ever had and it was only 20 miles, when i get home i get a text from my parnter explaning why she never called. She Haden't phone because she had found someone who had taken a drugs over does and slit thier wrist in the toilets and was sorting it out. Oh crap i think as the guilt set in what to do what to do i ask myself. I didn't think the guilt just took over and i had to make up my mind either way, i did think i could see both for an instant but that would not have been fair on the other lady as she was worth more then that to me even after the night we shared together.

My partner was saving a life and i thought she was just ignoring me so i acted on my lust. Ok .... creek without a paddle springs to mind. On one hand i have a partner who is everything i wanted if i think about it. Sure we love each other but and its the warm stable thing that lets you know everything will be alright and you can make it if you have each other. In the other i had a burning red hot flame that was so raw and animal, it was a classic head vs heart situation.

I knew that the two women would never meet each other but that wasn't the point for me it was what was right, I wanted the girl i knew from school and she wanted the boy from school but that was then. I wanted her because i never had all those years ago. The time we both spent wanting each other and not acting caused us to burn with such a passion it was like gravity: it was just going to keep pulling at us. Only problem was well with that my heat your bound to get burnt i thought.

So what did I do you ask? well I phoned my partner and told her what had happend not part of the truth the whole truth and she didn't say a thing just listened to me. That was worse then any screaming or name calling, she only asks one thing that was who do i want? I answered her honestly and said i don't know, and we talked calmly for a while and i told her i needed to break it off and think about it.

After a week i had made up my mind and i came clean and told the girl from school i told her i was scared i'd get burnt and she didn't understand she just went nuts at me and maybe i was right cause hearing what she said cut just like a knife so maybe i was right about her.

I told my by then ex that i wanted us to give it another go, i explaned that my fears let me think she was messing around and that is why i had done what i had. At the time this felt true but now i think it was just me wanting what i couldn't have in the girl from school, and that my lust convinced me that my partner didn't ring because she was messing around so that i would give in to it. Any way she tells me she doesn't know because i really hurt her and that if i couldn't trust her how could it work she totally knew it was my insecureity that lead me to do what i had. She told me to give her some space and let her think about it and i hope that by telling the truth she will forgive me.


A week passed and she phones saying she wants to go on a date, so we went out had a meal and at the end kissed. That kiss was the kiss of death it wasn't right and we both knew it was the end for good, but there was a chance we could have kissed and if there was a single spark we would have made it work.

To sum up how i felt then is pretty hard but it goes like this: What good is truth if it means you loose everything? I did the right thing didn't i? What more could i have done? could i have had both? whats going on? you get the point i was totally confused If i had lied i would have been able to have both, if had told the girl from school it was over and not told my partner i would have kept her. If i had just let things play out on there own i may have ended up with the girl from school. Who knows right well I do well at least i know for me i learnt a lot about me.

Mistakes are ment to happen its how we learn if it wasn't for what happend then i might have done something far worse later on in my life Like the time my firend wife wanted me and we had been an item at school i learnt that lust is healthy and has its place and that if you harbor feelings for a long time they tend to surface if geven the chance in a very agressive way. Maybe you can take some thing from just reading what i've writen but i would advise you to think about what you really want.

I mean could it be like with me you just want that second chance to see what it could have been like?

I think you could do a few things in your situation, but it depends on you.

The first thing i would do is take a day or two, go to a place on my own and just think long and hard what i really want. You already know what you want but you have to stop listening to every one else to hear your own voice sometimes. Why do you feel guilty? that is the key answer that and you'll know what who you want. Maybe you guilt is because you expect it? or because you know inside you have to hurt someone?

You have to be honest with yourself before you make your next move, i might sound harsh but you and only you know inside who and what you want. I wont lie the hardist thing is the truth but the only person you need to be true to is yourself once you do that you'll have your answer.

You don't have to listen to me at all thats your choice but i hope you get your answer soon, if you don't it will still happen one way or the other. like gravity life wont wait while you make up your mind it just happens maybe the leason is one you need to learn and grow from.

Sorry if i sound like i'm chatting horse muck feelings are so complex i think i can help more when you know the answer but you might not like my advice and in the end its you who has to live with what you decide to do or not do mate.

[Denikke]

I think you need to take a big step back from both ladies.

Juniper is right, you're not ready for marriage.
Personally, I think you need to tell your fiance that you are not ready to get married and that some of your feelings, urges and actions are causing you to need to re evaluate everything. Cheating may be a dealbreaker for her. At this point, she can't know what will happen if 20 years down the road, you meet another old friend of yours. Maybe you used to have feelings, maybe you click when you meet again. She'll never be able to trust you again.
The bottom line is that you are toying with the lives of 2 other people, and they have no say in any of it. You're holding all the cards. You need to give back some control to them. Let your fiance decide whether she still wants to be with you or not.

Situations like this are pretty tricky. Cause you've always got a backup right? If you try to work things out with your fiance and she doesn't want any part of it, you can always go to the other girl. If you decide you want to be with the other girl and she doesn't want to try it, you can always go back to your fiance.
I don't think you should be with either of these girls. At least not for a while. Explain to your fiance what happened, then back off. Take a couple months. You need to decide who you really want to be with instead of dragging both girls through the mud until you make a choice.
You remember the old saying? If you love something/someone let it go. If it comes back it's your to keep.
Start back at square one. Make a choice and then proceed from the very beginning. Dating, getting to know each other etc.


Pagan_soldier

If I'm reading right, then your advice is to not tell her?
Your experience, from what I gather from your post, was basically:
You were with girl 1, met old friend, girl 2. Because girl 1 wasn't available a chunk of the time, you started spending a lot of time with girl 2. You discovered you and girl 2 shared feelings for one another, and then acted on those feelings in a sexual manner. You decided to tell girl 1, who was upset, and then you decided to try and start a relationship with girl 2, and girl 2 freaked out because you were afraid things might not work out. Because it didn't work out with girl 2, you decided to go back to girl 1 and try to make things work there. Things didn't work.
So you hurt yourself, girl 1 and girl 2.
You don't avoid telling someone the truth about something like that to save THEM from being hurt by it. You don't tell them to avoid facing the consequences of your actions. The consequences in this case is that you lost both girls. That's often the case.



Honestly Aegun, had you come here and ask advice BEFORE sleeping with the other girl, I would have said to only do it if it was worth the risk of losing both. Cause that looks like what's likely to happen. Relationships that start with infidelity rarely last. And while your fiance may be able to look past it and work with you on the problems, you don't seem all that committed to the relationship anyways.
I apologize if I seem harsh, but I've seen it over and over again, basically a guy who thinks he can have it both ways, have his cake and eat it to. You can't.

[Weatherlite]

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, did it again. lol

Much like Pagan Soldier, I too have my own story as I'm sure many others do. IMO, being in the military takes its own set of tolls on a relationship that most people just can't understand. Civilians get upset when their boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't call promptly at 1600 and by 1700 they're worried they're dead, in a coma in the hospital, cheating etc etc. Imagine how they would react when you're down in Seeb or Thumrait (or wherever in Oman you were) and you just can't call for a week, two, or maybe even a full month!

It takes a special type of person to deal with the everyday stresses of life AND the stresses of being with someone in the armed forces. So, keeping that in mind, I offer up this observation...consider how they handle you being in the service, no matter who it might be. If they can handle it then it is possible to have a relationship with them. If not, no amount of love, caring, extra loving gestures etc will help it. trust me, I have seen a LOT of people try and not one wound up happy. So, in regards to the ladies in question you should apply that observation. I don't want to be a dick but if either of them can't handle being away from you for long periods, or can't handle not hearing from you for weeks at a time then you should seriously consider taking them off the "wife material" list.

Now then, leaving the military out of the equation, I want you to think about why the spark has left the relationship between you and your fiance. Has it just gotten old? Is it dull? Have you realized that the two of you really don't have anything in common and you were just able to keep it going so long on will alone? What about the college friend? Is it like Soldier said and this is mainly just some old flames rekindled but like kindling it will die quickly and has no hope of staying lit? Or is it more?

Look, no one here can make the decision for you and we all have gone through some rough times and feelings when it comes to love. You can't ignore the head. You can't ignore the heart. I personally think that in the end you have to step back, look at the situation dispassionately and make a decision, then take a step forward and see how the heart feels and make a decision. If they're the same, then that's what you need to do. If they're different then you need a little more soul searching. But I would decide soon...10 weeks is a wee bit close don't you think? If you're going to break it off with the fiance it should be sooner rather than later. but if you don't, you need to be honest with her before she says "I do".

[Aegun]

Gotta say i didnt expect such lengthy responces there, but all were greatly apprechiated (yes, cant spell either). this last week or 2 Ive dont all i can with soul searching and made my decision. I broke the news to my now ex-fiancee earlier today and broke off the engagement and our relationship.

I did my best to make my decision about me and me only and not involve the other lass in my equations, and in the end it boiled down to me not being the same fella that i was before i joined up and we based our getting back together on our old selves. I think all the time on camp away from her dispite chatting and calling etc each day just made me atleast drift away and move on.

Denikke: Gunna take your advice and chill from both for now. Need to get my head back on the straight and narrow before i can do anything.

Thanks again to all who posted here. :) :hugz:

[Pagan_Soldier]

Pagan_soldier

If I'm reading right, then your advice is to not tell her?
Your experience, from what I gather from your post, was basically:
You were with girl 1, met old friend, girl 2. Because girl 1 wasn't available a chunk of the time, you started spending a lot of time with girl 2. You discovered you and girl 2 shared feelings for one another, and then acted on those feelings in a sexual manner. You decided to tell girl 1, who was upset, and then you decided to try and start a relationship with girl 2, and girl 2 freaked out because you were afraid things might not work out. Because it didn't work out with girl 2, you decided to go back to girl 1 and try to make things work there. Things didn't work.
So you hurt yourself, girl 1 and girl 2.
You don't avoid telling someone the truth about something like that to save THEM from being hurt by it. You don't tell them to avoid facing the consequences of your actions. The consequences in this case is that you lost both girls. That's often the case.





That was not my advice my advice was to work out what you really want cause deep down we all know if we just listen to ourselfs for a while.


Aegun

Sorry to hear it didn't go so well when you told your partner but that was the risk you took when telling her. I sure like most of us who have been in these situations you will probably have learnt a lot about yourself while soul searching.

I'm sure the next time you pick a partner you will be able to pick one more suited to you as you'll probably have a much better idea of what your looking for and thats the positive i would take from the situation.

Hope you get your head back on stright some time soon but there's no rush just pick one thing and get that sorted before moving on to the next.

Best peace of advice i was ever give why worry about things we can't change:- so no if's and buts just pick yourself up when your ready and move on. BB