a little confused

[sylvrena]

ok this may be wordy..sorry ahead of time

well let me start by saying off i usually just refer to myself as pagan.. i worship nature..i love the outdoors, i feel attuned with the elements at times, i love listening to the sound of the ocean, rustling of leaves etc etc

not so big into magical work, i can hardly sit still and focus my thoughts to meditate (probably because i have a toddler running circles around me all the time), but i do love to work with candles ,incense and crystals when i can

i was part of a coven a long time ago.. they called themselves druidic, but were a mish mosh of everything basically. once i was initiated and started to learn how things really worked, it seemed everything we learned prior to that was fluff and didn't really go with the actual coven work and they didn't seem to fit my ideal of druidic at all..we did have ritual work (doing magic for ourselves and others), attended the sabbats etc

so i have been solitary since i left the group around 5 years ago and i am sort of loss right now. i have always been interested in reading into mythologies and perhaps at one time or another i have been drawn to a specific god or goddess such as arianrhod, kwan-yin, isis, persephone and so forth.. but now i just feel empty.. i am not sure where to start over again..

as far as i know i am the only pagan on this island.. and one other person who may be, just sent off a lot of negative vibes that i know i wouldnt want to get to know her more. i am hoping when we transfer outta here, i'll find some more like minded people. that's why i am here on MW, trying to find my way again.

i have some books on celtic shamanism, wicca, moon magic etc and some things jive and some i could care less. my husband is pretty much open to anything and i hope to raise my children on a pagan path when they get old enough to understand. but for now i am trying to find a starting place again to get me to honor the seasons/celebrations, although in Alaska its mostly winter all year long lol...to either get back into some sort of meditation or just a routine where i am finding my inner strength to find and share joy in my life, to feel blessed and not depressed, to create a happy space around me, stay motivated to keep a happy home and to just create a "magical feeling" in our lives.

does any of this make sense..? i am a creative dreamer.. maybe if my husband and i took turns reading or making up meditations for each other it would help us get into that inner space that we need to be, in order to find our way. since we are military and will be moving a lot, i definetly want to find something we can do together as a family always and not necessarily seek out a coven again.

anyway i know i am running at the mouth..so any advice would be appreciated. anyone been there done that, know what i am talking about. would love to hear your experiences.

thanks for sticking with me if you have

[thought_on_a_wind]

well, it seems to me you have a very free spirit... that is a blessed thing to have, my path has been of a very solitary nature too, and I will say that being eclectic and original is a very rewarding bit. My path is (methinks I coined it) Non-traditional solitary eclecticism. It's taoist in philosophy and is as fluid as my development. You may feel as if you are on an island, but do not go against your spirit, or what you feel is right or fitting.

Making custom tailored meditations is a very fulfilling excercise, and I'll be quite honest, intuiting ones own link to magick and the divine (at least for me) is one of the most fulfilling and powerful experiences one can have. It is when you release your inhibitions and encompass a life that fits your spiritual development that you will feel "one", as not all were meant to follow paths that are focused in one area or another.

As for the magick and meditation part, I use incense candles and quartz... sometimes amethyst, but mostly clear quartz, the rest of the experience if moving and variable depending upon, not just how I feel, but also what I feel from the world around me. You, being in Alaska, are blessed with a very powerful and reverent connection to nature, I'd suggest looking into deepening that bond, as nature can help you achieve levels you may not find elsewhere, as that, as I feel seems to be bit of a conduit for you.

I suggest you pay less attention to looking into a specific tradition, but more to what you feel, if you do not know it at this time, you will, and once you do you may find that the form of the sculpture was there from the very beginning, you just needed to chisel away the excess stone.

Blessed Be,
Thought

[sylvrena]

thank you Thought...

that is the one thing i love about alaska, well the island i am on in general, is the raw beauty of it. when the weather is actually nice enough to get out, we love to go geocaching and letterboxing..it's our way of discovering this place, getting out in nature and being inspired... right now is sort of hard with the horrible weather, and i know that is part of why i am sort of down and unmotivated and pregnancy doesn't help either.. plus don't want to take my son out to be sick all the time.. but we do have a great view from our backyard of a mountain and i love to just gaze at that.

maybe that is all i really need to do now, is just meditate, visualize and connect with nature, even when i am stuck inside.. rather than seeking out a path or magical work. those last two don't ever seem fulfilling to me most the time. i am never one to stick to anything for long..like you said a free spirit, i often wander from one thing to the next and back again. sometimes it's good and sometimes leaves me crazy!

i feel better just by reading your post. i am very grateful

[Vigdisdotter]

does any of this make sense..?

Yes, it does. And it's not uncommon.

I would suggest that you leave the books for now and work on getting to know YOU. Yes, that sounds horribly simplistic but it really isn't.

You can try making three lists. Interests, Ethics and Cosmology. The more detailed they are, the better. And you can do the exercise again at a future time. Keep your lists because you might find it interesting to see how things change and evolve.

Anyhow, the lists. One thing to remember it that none of it is limited to the spiritual. So when you're writing about your interests, be sure to include whatever mundane activities you have in your life. Work qualifies too if it's something that you enjoy as opposed to just what you do to pay the bills.

Ethics is just that. Look not only at how you feel about things but also examine where those feelings come from. Again, mundane as well as spiritual.

Cosmology is how you see teh universe and how everything within it interralates. It's a way of organizing and catagorizing. For example, Norse cosmology maintains that there are three levels with three worlds in each. And each world contains various beings. Each being has a role to play in the over all scheme of things. Now this is only one model. Cosmology also covers things like the timing of holy tides. So go to town and have fun exploring your ideas.

You may run into some ideas that you have because you feel you SHOULD, not becuase they are something you really hold to be true. Don't fret. Just take hold and make wantever adjustments are required for the needs of your own understanding.

When you've done all that, you will be in a good place to start looking at the WHY of your rituals and doings.

Honestly, it's a long process, but I think it's a very worthwhile one.

[sylvrena]

Yes, it does. And it's not uncommon.

I would suggest that you leave the books for now and work on getting to know YOU. Yes, that sounds horribly simplistic but it really isn't.

You can try making three lists. Interests, Ethics and Cosmology. The more detailed they are, the better. And you can do the exercise again at a future time. Keep your lists because you might find it interesting to see how things change and evolve.

Anyhow, the lists. One thing to remember it that none of it is limited to the spiritual. So when you're writing about your interests, be sure to include whatever mundane activities you have in your life. Work qualifies too if it's something that you enjoy as opposed to just what you do to pay the bills.

Ethics is just that. Look not only at how you feel about things but also examine where those feelings come from. Again, mundane as well as spiritual.

Cosmology is how you see teh universe and how everything within it interralates. It's a way of organizing and catagorizing. For example, Norse cosmology maintains that there are three levels with three worlds in each. And each world contains various beings. Each being has a role to play in the over all scheme of things. Now this is only one model. Cosmology also covers things like the timing of holy tides. So go to town and have fun exploring your ideas.

You may run into some ideas that you have because you feel you SHOULD, not becuase they are something you really hold to be true. Don't fret. Just take hold and make wantever adjustments are required for the needs of your own understanding.

When you've done all that, you will be in a good place to start looking at the WHY of your rituals and doings.

Honestly, it's a long process, but I think it's a very worthwhile one.

thanks for the ideas of the 3 lists.. i'll have to find some time to think on these.. i think the cosmology part sounds interesting, because i am not sure where i belong with that anywhere and i can start a little researching on different cultures to get some ideas as well.

when i was younger i was all about you die and your worm bait and when i grow up to be an archaeologist i'll dig you up lol.. well that never happened. then the coven i was in, had way to many ideas from different religions, nothing made sense for me. so now is probably time to look into what i was always drawn to... and see what makes sense in my brain. because after all i've learned so far and having lost my gramma and dad in the past couple years.. i honestly don't know what i feel/believe anymore.

[Lunacie]

thank you Thought...

that is the one thing i love about alaska, well the island i am on in general, is the raw beauty of it. when the weather is actually nice enough to get out, we love to go geocaching and letterboxing..it's our way of discovering this place, getting out in nature and being inspired... right now is sort of hard with the horrible weather, and i know that is part of why i am sort of down and unmotivated and pregnancy doesn't help either.. plus don't want to take my son out to be sick all the time.. but we do have a great view from our backyard of a mountain and i love to just gaze at that.

maybe that is all i really need to do now, is just meditate, visualize and connect with nature, even when i am stuck inside.. rather than seeking out a path or magical work. those last two don't ever seem fulfilling to me most the time. i am never one to stick to anything for long..like you said a free spirit, i often wander from one thing to the next and back again. sometimes it's good and sometimes leaves me crazy!

i feel better just by reading your post. i am very grateful

Yeah, it's harder to be motivated about spirituality when the weather is not so nice. But it's all part of the cycle of the year and the seasons, eh? The sunny days have their purpose, but so do the rainy ones, and the snowy ones, and the windy ones.

You mention enjoying looking at the mountain out your window. You might try painting a picture of the mountain in all the different seasons/kinds of weather. Or take photos of it. Or write poems or short stories about it. Or do several of those things and see which ones inspire you and make you feel connected to nature and to the goddess earth.

The great thing about Paganism in general is that the journey is the focus, not the destination.

[childofcrow]

This time of year is always a 'dead' time for me. Not a lot of people come out to events, everyone is rather blasé. I always take this time to work with myself, and research.

Have you checked Witchvox for other people in your area?

[sylvrena]

child of crow....yes i have checked online for the past two years everywhere i could and on witchvox there was one other person, a christian witch and our personalities or beliefs just didn't jive together.

pretty isolated here. there are only christian, baptist , russian orthodox churches, not even a single a temple for Jews, at least i could attend that since i was raised jewish, if i wanted to lol

lunacie....haha we have two seasons here, rain/snow and summer (which lasts from july to september if you are lucky). we are out almost every day during summer..and of course this year i will be having my 2nd kiddo during end of july, so i won't be out much to enjoy the summer.

but yes, i have many photos of the mountains, flowers etc. i can't paint with my toddler running amuck. and it's a lovely view, but it's the same view that gets old after being stuck in the house most of the year due to the crappy weather. if it was just me, i would brave it and go outside. but my little one gets sick easily and so therefore we are stuck inside.

....i got the circle round cd and hoping to try and find some more pagan kid type music that he may enjoy as well. something to perk us both up. i guess since hates being inside all the time, except for our maybe once a week playdates, it makes me feel pretty down to and it seems our whole life is stale.

we are going to cali for 2 week sin march and i will be visiting some of my pagan friends, maybe they will help boost me a little and hopefully we will be outside alot appreciating nature.

[Juniper138]

Do you have a good enough internet connection to listen to podcasts? Might break the day up. When I was snowed in last year I worked my way through many Pagan podcasts and then got into ones on myths, folk tales, history and archeology.

If you order DVDs online from some of the larger companies they will also have great documentaries.

Are there any arts and crafts you enjoy you can share with the kiddo? Scrapbooking and collage maybe?

[sylvrena]

Do you have a good enough internet connection to listen to podcasts? Might break the day up. When I was snowed in last year I worked my way through many Pagan podcasts and then got into ones on myths, folk tales, history and archeology.

If you order DVDs online from some of the larger companies they will also have great documentaries.

Are there any arts and crafts you enjoy you can share with the kiddo? Scrapbooking and collage maybe?

my 2 year old is too much like his dad, rather be playing with toys, spinning in circles or watching wonder pets then crafting with me (he loves to be physical). he usually tosses his crayons or markers on the floor after a few minutes. i got him to paint an air freshener with me today for a minute before he started painting the tables and everything around him. lol

i wouldnt be able to listen to podcasts until he was asleep probably or watch dvd's.. but that would be cool to look into for when my husband is out to see for weeks at a time!