Iris
February 10th, 2010, 07:07 PM
...but I just need somewhere to rant. It might be quite a long rant. I just feel that setting it all down on paper might help.
I feel really, really down at the moment and can't seem to snap out of it. I've had depression in the past, although not for some years now. The idea that it could come back has always sort of haunted me. Recently I can't seem to feel happy whatever I do...
(No disrespect, but please no-one tell me to go to the doc's. I had anti-depressants once and didn't like them much. Didn't like counselling much either. Yes I know they could give me a different tablet or a different counsellor, but just...nah.)
I think it's a combination of things.
The job/house/money stuff
I moved out to a house in quite an isolated part of the city in November, after me and my long-term partner broke up. I'm quite isolated out here, and having my own house means I'm not able to afford to do things like go and see friends much (yes, you can see your friends for free...but mostly they tend to be going out someplace where money is required. And I've TRIED inviting them here...no-one drives and it's hard for them to get here as it's quite far from the areas where they live.) My financial situation seems to get worse every month that passes. I pay out nearly £900 before I even buy food (ie, on bills alone). I don't know what that is in USD but trust me, it's a LOT out of my salary (my salary is decent, but rent in this town is extortionate. My tiny terraced house costs £550 a month. And apartments aren't any cheaper.) I don't seem to have anything left even THE DAY AFTER PAYDAY as everything comes out of my account on that day (all the bills). I feel anxiety building whenever I even THINK of expenses that are coming up. And this is all made worse by...
*takes a breath*
...the fact that my boss has said I might have to move to another office. My 12-month traineeship is up in June, and then I'm guaranteed a job...but not a job in this town. So I may get moved to Leeds or somewhere, which means BUYING A CAR. Not only does it mean buying a car, but also LEARNING TO DRIVE!! As I have never taken driving lessons! When a two-hour lesson is £42 (and that's with quite a cheap instructor) you can see that my already stretched financial situation is going to get much worse.
(Yes, I could get public transport...but my job involves visiting people in their own homes everyday. At the moment I do that on a bike or bus, but this town is small, easy to get around, and at present I only have two clients...which will go up to 12-15 when I'm fully trained and then the travelling time that it would take to get around a city as big as Leeds when clients live in different areas...I would NOT get my work done, it's just not practical.)
The alternative is moving. But I have JUST moved and I don't wanna live in bloody Leeds!!
The health stuff
And my health has been sketchy for a while. My wrist is still completely screwed with tendonitis, which is agony when it's at its worst, I've had two chest infections, I've got *something* wrong with my female parts which numerous tests haven't managed to figure out, and I haven't been sleeping. And then, when I got sleeping tablets, they made me hallucinate (I kept seeing a figure out of the corner of my eye, which was really unsettling.)
The relationship stuff
And recently I've become very weird and clingy towards my other half. I think that, to be honest, I haven't dealt with the stuff from my previous break-up. I was with my ex for 2 years and I sort of thought "this is it", you know? It wasn't that we didn't love each other, either...it was that we wanted different things out of life. Sometimes I think about him and feel so, so sad. He was such a good, kind and gentle person, and I do miss him. I thought we'd be together for a long, long time.
I got together with my current partner very shortly after the break-up, which was unplanned and kind of weird at the time. At first I wasn't sure about it - my current partner is a lot different to my ex. But my partner...well getting to know him has been a bit of a revelation. When I just knew him casually, I didn't think much of him. But over the time we've been together I have seen him relax, open up and drop the act he used to put on. He's now shown himself to be a gentle, kind, caring soul...quite a deep person and always putting me first and considering my feelings. Always doing small things for me, like buying me little gifts, cleaning the house and just looking after me in the best way possible. I've fallen pretty hard for him - and I'm terrified to lose him, like I lost my ex. I'm a serial monogamist - things always seem to get serious, and then the damned break-up happens. I'll be 25 this year. I had my first long-term relationship at 15 and after ten years I am getting SO. TIRED. of finding a safe place to rest and then having the whole thing ripped out from under me. I'm TIRED of giving everything and it all going to waste in the end. In fact, I am just tired in general and would like the world to just stop for a while so I can sit and breathe without a million things happening, bills needing to be paid, stuff kicking off at work, shopping needing to be bought...I just want everything to STOP.
Except my pets...they can stay...they are the only things that can cheer me up sometimes.
Ok. I'm done. And I feel better.
IF u managed to get through all of that, here's a cookie:
I feel really, really down at the moment and can't seem to snap out of it. I've had depression in the past, although not for some years now. The idea that it could come back has always sort of haunted me. Recently I can't seem to feel happy whatever I do...
(No disrespect, but please no-one tell me to go to the doc's. I had anti-depressants once and didn't like them much. Didn't like counselling much either. Yes I know they could give me a different tablet or a different counsellor, but just...nah.)
I think it's a combination of things.
The job/house/money stuff
I moved out to a house in quite an isolated part of the city in November, after me and my long-term partner broke up. I'm quite isolated out here, and having my own house means I'm not able to afford to do things like go and see friends much (yes, you can see your friends for free...but mostly they tend to be going out someplace where money is required. And I've TRIED inviting them here...no-one drives and it's hard for them to get here as it's quite far from the areas where they live.) My financial situation seems to get worse every month that passes. I pay out nearly £900 before I even buy food (ie, on bills alone). I don't know what that is in USD but trust me, it's a LOT out of my salary (my salary is decent, but rent in this town is extortionate. My tiny terraced house costs £550 a month. And apartments aren't any cheaper.) I don't seem to have anything left even THE DAY AFTER PAYDAY as everything comes out of my account on that day (all the bills). I feel anxiety building whenever I even THINK of expenses that are coming up. And this is all made worse by...
*takes a breath*
...the fact that my boss has said I might have to move to another office. My 12-month traineeship is up in June, and then I'm guaranteed a job...but not a job in this town. So I may get moved to Leeds or somewhere, which means BUYING A CAR. Not only does it mean buying a car, but also LEARNING TO DRIVE!! As I have never taken driving lessons! When a two-hour lesson is £42 (and that's with quite a cheap instructor) you can see that my already stretched financial situation is going to get much worse.
(Yes, I could get public transport...but my job involves visiting people in their own homes everyday. At the moment I do that on a bike or bus, but this town is small, easy to get around, and at present I only have two clients...which will go up to 12-15 when I'm fully trained and then the travelling time that it would take to get around a city as big as Leeds when clients live in different areas...I would NOT get my work done, it's just not practical.)
The alternative is moving. But I have JUST moved and I don't wanna live in bloody Leeds!!
The health stuff
And my health has been sketchy for a while. My wrist is still completely screwed with tendonitis, which is agony when it's at its worst, I've had two chest infections, I've got *something* wrong with my female parts which numerous tests haven't managed to figure out, and I haven't been sleeping. And then, when I got sleeping tablets, they made me hallucinate (I kept seeing a figure out of the corner of my eye, which was really unsettling.)
The relationship stuff
And recently I've become very weird and clingy towards my other half. I think that, to be honest, I haven't dealt with the stuff from my previous break-up. I was with my ex for 2 years and I sort of thought "this is it", you know? It wasn't that we didn't love each other, either...it was that we wanted different things out of life. Sometimes I think about him and feel so, so sad. He was such a good, kind and gentle person, and I do miss him. I thought we'd be together for a long, long time.
I got together with my current partner very shortly after the break-up, which was unplanned and kind of weird at the time. At first I wasn't sure about it - my current partner is a lot different to my ex. But my partner...well getting to know him has been a bit of a revelation. When I just knew him casually, I didn't think much of him. But over the time we've been together I have seen him relax, open up and drop the act he used to put on. He's now shown himself to be a gentle, kind, caring soul...quite a deep person and always putting me first and considering my feelings. Always doing small things for me, like buying me little gifts, cleaning the house and just looking after me in the best way possible. I've fallen pretty hard for him - and I'm terrified to lose him, like I lost my ex. I'm a serial monogamist - things always seem to get serious, and then the damned break-up happens. I'll be 25 this year. I had my first long-term relationship at 15 and after ten years I am getting SO. TIRED. of finding a safe place to rest and then having the whole thing ripped out from under me. I'm TIRED of giving everything and it all going to waste in the end. In fact, I am just tired in general and would like the world to just stop for a while so I can sit and breathe without a million things happening, bills needing to be paid, stuff kicking off at work, shopping needing to be bought...I just want everything to STOP.
Except my pets...they can stay...they are the only things that can cheer me up sometimes.
Ok. I'm done. And I feel better.
IF u managed to get through all of that, here's a cookie: