Rubi's place

[Rubi Waters]

Great Goddess,
Thank you for getting me through another year. I've learned alot this past year and I hope to keep learning during this new one and beyond.
I'm not sure where my job situation is going. Not sure what my home situation is doing. I'm a complete mess, but I am working on myself first before i can right some of the other wrongs going on. I have always lived my life doing what others told me to do. i know now that i can't keep doing that. i have to learn "who i am " for i have no clue.
I have been "feeling" this path for a long time and i have started to "live" this path. be true to me and listen to you. I am listening.
i am learning to be patient.
Thank you Mother!

[Rubi Waters]

Goddess,
not sure how things are coming along. I'm working my ass off for little money and he is working alot. but no money is coming in. So much for my 400.00 bonus he gave me only to borrow 600.00 from me. talk about 1 step forward and 2 steps back. so far we have been able to keep the house. I don't know how long I can do this. He keeps taking these jobs that will be our big break and so far we haven't seen any of the money yet, one even said he just can't pay us right now, even though the job has been done and all the redos that shouldn't have been allowed but happened. It took up time that could have been used elsewhere. AAARRRGGHHH I wish sometimes I could actually scream without alarming anyone. My arthritis is kicking in very badly and I can't afford the meds. good thing I have a stockpile of my allergy meds to hopefully see me through the bad times. I'm glad I have you to help me emotionaly through this. I hear you encouraging me
thank you.

[Rubi Waters]

Goddess,
here I go whining again but since others don't want to listen and i know you will I will whine to you & get it off my chest.
I am so tired of busting my a$$ at work and not getting paid on time but now is not the time to go looking for work elsewhere ,everyone else is getting laid off at least my job is partially stable. I just wish I could get my money on time to catch up to my bills or he would get health ins.but since I'm the only worker who isn't married and on thier husbands ins. I don't count!!!!! I'm tired of hurting and not being able to get meds or even find out exactly whats wrong. I can only guess and try to treat it myself.....it's not working.
i need some serious sleep but my back hurts sooooooo bad i can't get comfortable enough to relax much. now my hands and feet are hurting, I'm guessing arthritis. I'm not healthy at all. I 'm glad I'm not sickly so yes I know it could be worse but I know I'm not healthy. Again I 'm just doing what I can for myself.
I've been so out of focus lately but I've got to find time to right things again. I nned time to gather myself and regroup to get me on track again. I wish i could just take my vacations again where I just went off by myself and did something I wanted to do. I miss those. it's been 3 years since I've been able to do that.

I miss me.

[Rubi Waters]

Hello Lady,

Ok these past few days have actually gone pretty well. Thank you! Yes I know I have started to do things for myself. I am cleaning the house (actually throwing out the clutter) when I'm done I'll sage. Hoping to get rid of this negativity. I have done some nice things for people which really makes me feel good. I love doing things for people, I am a true cancer gal. I am working up an exercise schedual no I haven't actually started working out yet but I promise I will. I need to do this for myself. I am trying to take care of myself. I make charms for me & Ken, he wants money lots of money. The charm I made was only to get what we are owed. I will be happy with that. Just to be able to pay the bills. if bills get paid on time that eventually will give extra money down the line. I'm hoping.

[Rubi Waters]

Lady,
I'm getting at the end of my rope. Sorry for the expression but "I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't" AAARRRGGGGHH!!!!! Well now I'm trying to hang on till Feb 16th when they go to Vegas. Yes part of me still wishes I was going because I love it out there but my sensible part reminds me that If I went I wouldn't be doing anything fun anyway!!! That week will be good for me I hope Yes I have to check the clinic everyday but I don't have to see them or talk to people that whole time :) (it's the little light at the end of the tunnel right now) I just know that till then She is going to make my life horrible......I just wish I knew why she does this to me. Yes I know I'm sensitive and take things to heart but she doesn't have to be so mean just because her life is a mess. I didn't do it to her. I just don't understand. As for the others they need to grow up. Playing childish games to annoy one another (and put me in the middle ) is getting to me. I guess it wouldn't be half as bad if I got paid on time so I wouldn't be constantly in debt. which makes me feel like a failure.

I am trying so hard to ignore all these petty things, but it's do darned hard. I just wish I knew why people think so badly of me.

What did I do that was so bad????
My parents think I 'm the bad child just because I never went to collage...so what I got a job right out of high school and I've been there ever since.....does that make me bad? (and in HS i had straight A's & B's and that wasn't good enough either because I wasn't Popular and didn't have enough friends) does that make me a bad person????
Work people think bad of me because my hair is blonde. (dyed red) and blondes are bad people......then how come I get things done quicker and better than they do...does that make me bad????
and we won't even talk about BF and what he thinks of me........

gee I wonder where my low self esteem comes from?

But all in all I keep trying, Keep being me, keep living, and hoping.

[Rubi Waters]

Great Lady,
Thank you! Thank You!

I get that there are bad days, I happen to have a lot of them. I'm just glad there can be a few good days to make the bad ones seem not so bad.

Thank You for today! :heartthro

[Rubi Waters]

my lady,

Sometimes i don't know how i get through it all (yes i do I know your with me) but it can just be too much at times. I long for things just out of my reach. I know I should be happy with what i have, but maybe it's not all that i need. I don't alway Just want to "get by".

I want more from him, but he's set in his ways and what he gives is what I get.......why? Am I that unloveable????? I shouldn't be always punished for what his ex did. I don't compare him to my ex! No i'm not just feeling bad because it's almost Valentines day. I've never cared about that..... I want the day to day things, the year round things. *sigh*

At least so far work hasn't been so bad but "she" hasn't been there for a few days. She's the one who has to always put me down just to make herself feel better. So I look at her life and try to tell myself that she has it worse, but I don't like feeling that way either. I don't want anyone to be miserable.

[Rubi Waters]

Lady,

I'm gonna do what i can this week to help heal myself, emotionaly and physically. One week off of work isn't actually enough but it's a good start. I can get on a good routine hopefully. Thank you for this break. Yes I know part of me wishes I was in Vegas with them but then I remember that everytime i did go it was never fun with them so....

I need to clear my house and mind. I need to be rid of this horrible black looming negativity.

I need to learn to like myself.....

I need to feel loved, even if it's just from myself.

I'm glad your showing me the way!

Thank you

[Rubi Waters]

Lady,
as you know, I didn't get most of the things I needed to get done this week done. I'm not doing to well right now. I'm lost again. Just as I think I may get out from under my dark cloud, it rains on me again. Hopefully when this weather breaks,maybe things will brighten. I will at least be able to sit outside & get air. Till then I'm trying to keep my chin up. It's just really hard to keep liking myself when no one else seems to.

[Rubi Waters]

Ok just when i thought things wern't so bad that they could always get worse.....they do! I just have to go back to the person i was. I won't have an opinion, I won't speak my mind, and I won't argue with anything. I'll be the doormat again. When I was that way at least there wasn't as many eggshells to walk on.

I can't believe him. In the 6 years we've been together, I can't count the times he hurt my feelings and didn't care. "hey that is how i am you knew that when we met!!!!" what a lame line. So the first time I say something he doesn't like I get the silent treatment and rudeness and him being cold to me. So this is how I get to live? So afraid that if he gets mad enough he can throw me out. I know I love him and he says he loves me but I really don't feel it. I know, I know everyone has different ways of showing things but still shouldn't a person still be able to feel it?

Not sure how long this will go on......it's not my fault his boss let him go.....It's not my fault that we didn't get paid for the big job we did........or that this second job hasn't paid yet..........why do I get all the badness? I work my behind off at my job, come home and do work for him(It's not like I'm not doing anything) he does his work whenever he feels like it ....the rest of the time he goes out and does what he wants but by the time i get home and can do something with him.....oh no he has work to do and so i sit at home......I guess i'm just stupid! I'm really only biding my time hopeing things inmrove to how they were or at least better than now!

Please Goddess give me strength and courage......help me figure out what to do.......Please!!!!!

[Rubi Waters]

Lady,

things seem to have settled down now.....
Work is still hectic and all but I'm learning to try to be calm about things....I'm just gonna have to come here and let things out and not "bother" him with anything. It's just funny how there is double standards for alot of things.....as long as i keep that in mind maybe the relationship will survive (I may not but oh well).
I've been feeling a little better and I'm hoping soon I can start doing more for myself in way of making myself better all the way around (physical and mental) I thank you my Lady for listening to me whine and complain. I feel your presence and it makes me feel good
Thank you