just venting... (a long post! read at own risk!)

[sparrowspirit]

okay, so this is the current situation and I'm just having a hard time with it.

I feel as though I'm stuck. I attend a vocational school called Job Corps, the whole point is you get the education you need to find a job and go off to start your life....

now, a few weeks ago, I posted how i received my A+ Certification, which is awesome. now, I have the option to go on to advanced training and get my MCITP certification as well.

my issue is with my boyfriend. He is such a good person, always supportive of me, and he cares about our future together. my problem lies in the fact that he has yet to obtain his GED, and at 21yrs old, I'm really trying to be supportive.

I find that I am often insecure while in a relationship. A lot of my previous relationships - both male and female have had subtle tones of abuse and a controlling factor. I'm not sure exactly what it is, but I feel this need...this way of thinking perhaps that I am not good enough or that I'm not worthy enough to be in a good relationship.

Somewhere down the line the doubt begins to creep back in and I feel those feelings again. I become all stressed out and I'm not exactly sure how to handle my emotions that come to the surface.

I feel as though because I have such motivated and driven goals that a relationship will hinder me and hold me back. Yet at the same time I completely adore my boyfriend, and I see SO much good in him, I just know it will take time for him to know what he wants to do. How long? I'm not sure. It could be 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, maybe never.

I worry that I put all this time and effort into a relationship with someone who doesn't have the same ideas as me in mind and in the end what will become of it? That the thing that scares me the most. I hate not knowing what will happen. I live my life by organization and details.

With all my goals in mind this is how I see myself developing: I can envision myself going onto advanced training, receiving my MCITP certification and going onto collage/school for Computer Science or Web Programming. I see myself in a valued career, striving to achieve all I can and finally being independent. Will this all happen? It will if I put my best foot forward and make it so.

I have grown up a lot over the last two years and although there are times when I slip back into teenager minded thinking, I move past that. I believe that I have my best interests at heart.

What do you do when you feel like a relationship is holding you back but you don't wanna let them go? I just feel like his only goals are to be supportive of me in all that I do, get married, and have babies.

Having my goals are important to me. I wish I knew what to do. I don't want to lose him, I'm sure that I want to marry him, I just don't want to get my hopes up thinking he'll finally reach that adult mindset and be my pillar of strength....

I just need a hug and a few kind words,
-Krissa

[Jade_Dove]

Key Word: "Driven"

I used to be the same way yet on totally different scales. I had goals- dreams- hopes and visions for my future as both a person and an adult- but there are fine lines when it comes to accomplishing said ideals and holding down relationships at the same time.

You have to be able to sort between things as well as learn how to be a little more calm when things don't seem to look as though they are going anywhere. You're not being held back Hun and no one is holding you back- not with the accomplishments in which you have put your first and foremost foot forward towards.

All things take time- efforts and patience and given my observances through out the last almost 40 years of my life- the fact that "All good things come with time and everything in its time" has more than proven to be true.

So I suggest this to you and you can go any which direction you like- but- Give your relationship a real chance instead of the kind of chance which lays with in your own personal mind-set and give all things the time they need to blossom and for reasoning that the super fertilizer that makes things grow in a day- that we all wish we had- doesn't exist- it's a figment of both mind and taught mentality.

You have already set the foundation Hun and you have begun to build the first level of life's temple for yourself- let the promising construction crews come and finish it for you and while they do- begin a new foundation for the temple of your sense of self.

No one can ever say that they're not good enough or they're not worthy enough- everyone is good enough and everyone is worthy enough and because everyone has been- is now and will always be- an Individual. Different- Unique and able to think for themselves and with such a truth should come a sense of positive self esteem.

Anything else is obsolete.

Missy.

[Æon Flux]

I don't really understand what it is you are saying here.
Are you becoming insecure in the relationship because of past experiences, or because he's not as driven as you are?

I don't know. If he's so adorable and sweet, caring and supportive and you love him so much, where is the problem?
Is he a person who lays on the sofa all day, or does he have a job?
If he's got a job, I don't see why he would be holding you back.

So, he hasn't made up his mind about what he wants to do with his life yet. A lot of people haven't. I'm not even sure what I want to do yet.

A relationship doesn't need to hold you back, a dysfunctional or demanding relationship might, but a supporting and loving partnership can help you.

It sounds as though your goals are important to you, and you say he is fully supportive of them. Maybe he wants you to get your goals achieved before he seeks out his? Have you talked to him about it?

[Terra Mater]

Romantic nonsense aside, the reality is that if he is not supporting himself, he is not able to be supportive of you. He's dependent and you are enabling him by being "understanding". You are doing what you need to to care for yourself and he isn't so you are growing apart. It is up to him to either grow with you or not, it is up to you to decide if you are going to accept this guy as your first child at the possible cost of your own goals.

[sparrowspirit]

thanks everyone for the advice. i appreciate it, I finally managed to say what i wanted to say to him and I've figured things out.


thanks again,
-Krissa

(can this be closed please?)

[antiquitas]

I was uncomfortable in a relationship a while back because the guy decidedly could not support himself. I mean, it's one thing to be the one making the most money or having the better job or having better eduction in the relationship, but it's a whole other story if one person is the high-speed train and the other is a stow-away.

It's not your job to worry about his own future. Yes, 21 is still very young and there's no reason he can't start his life now. And yes, sometimes all a person needs is outside support (not pushing) in order to get back on track.

I am that person who had stalled and got outside support to go further with my education. I am currently that person who isn't as 'successful' as my partner, but I'm certainly not a stow-away.

Whatever you do, do not let anyone hold you back, and don't let yourself become that person's mother.

[Jade_Dove]

It's all good Hun and I will keep in you prayers- thoughts and bright Spirits. Big Hugs.