what's wrong with me???

[Elaine]

I doubt anyone else is up at this horrid hour, but posting here tends to make me happy and tonight I am anything but!!! I am feeling really tired and confused and discouraged!! I don't know what's wrong...I feel like there is so much weighing on my mind....and I don't know how to work any of it out...the worst part is that I'm working straight through tuesday without a break and don't have time to sit and get my thoughts together...I am confused about my path again...and I'm thinking about some things from my past that I"m trying to come to terms with, but I don't know how...there are things about my identity that I am also questioning and I just don't know how to make myself feel better....believe me, I'm not posting this to get a pity party for myself...like I said, coming here makes me happy but I've read all the new posts and don't have anything else to do, so I figured I'd just post and see if that helps...maybe somebody will have an idea as to how to clear my mind some...I wish I wasn't so tired right now, or else I'd meditate...but I would for sure fall asleep...and falling asleep at work is not good!! oh well, hope everyone is having a better week than I am....Blessed Be!!!

[crystal_night]

I myself have just been through a pretty rough time. Last month I got very sick and had to have my baby delived by emergency c-cection.
I don't know if it was because I almost lost my life and in the process, endangered my son's life, but things have changed for me.
Before this happened, I had a lot of issues. Things that had happened in the past that I was trying to work through and put to rest. But I just couldn't quite figure out how on some issues.
I worried a lot about money, religion (acceptance) and a lot of other things that caused me to be more and more stressed and paranoid.
When I came out of my medicine induced coma, things had changed for me mentally. I noticed that some things that I had known before weren't there. I had to stop and think if someone asked me a question about something that I should have been able to answer automatically.
But some changes were fantastic. The depressive state I'd been in prior to getting sick had lifted. I was laughing and joking around. Everyone was quite amazed that I could be so cheerful. They kept asking me if I realized how close I had come to dying. I would answer that of course I knew but I wasn't going to dwell on it.
One of the most significant things that I noticed was that my past had gone where it should have been a long time ago. I no longer dwell on it and beat myself up over it. I'm living for today now, not for yesterday, tomorrow or next week/month/year. Today.
My stress level is way down from what it was. I don't worry all the time now.
I feel blessed with what I'm experiencing. I feel younger and happier than I have felt in years. I'm only 23 but I've been feeling ancient and like a prude for such a long time.
I have a nice home, a wonderful husband, a baby that I've waited a long time to have (and looks like he'll be my only one), I'm working from home so I can be with him instead of having a sitter or day-care worker the only one he looks at every day. It's wonderful.
Count your blessings. If your life isn't what you want it to be, MAKE it what you want it to be. I had a boss who told me one time that if my life didn't make me happy, to get a new life. So I did. I think I've finally started to succeed at building that new life.

[Mariposa De La Luna]

Congratulations Crystal! I'm so happy you're feeling better! The thing about not being able to answer questions o easily is just a new mom thing. The thoery being that our memory is impaired so we can focus more on our baby. You'll find yourself forgetting to do things you were supposed to do ALOT except if its for the baby. It may go away after the first year, hopefully. :D

Elaine-I'm sorry you're having problems. Here's a hug (((((((((HUG))))))))). What Crystal said is true. You really can't even face your past problems untill you get a better handle on your feeling about them, IMHO. Just do a simple visualization where you see all the black negativity falling away from you starting from the top of your head down to your toes. Then its important that you see yourself being filled with a white light, make it come from the moon or the earth, whatever you're comfortable with. that is healing and comforting, from your toes through yoour head, or pushing down the blackness. I hope that helps and that you feel better. :sunny:

[Faery-Wings]

Crystal- congrats on the new baby. I am so sorry your delivery/illness made it so difficult. It is surely a life altering experience. Hope that each day starts with his sunny smile :)

Elaine, this feeling is similar to what I was feeling last week when I e'd you for help! I think that when we start traveling a Pagan road, there is so much inside ourselves that has to be examines and reassess. That can be very scary! No one is telling us what to believe, how to pray, and most importantly. how to view yourself. These changes shake the status qou of everything we have internalized about our exisitence since birth. IHMO, I think you are feeling a lot of unease because of that. Piaget ( psychologist) has a learning model of assimilation and accomodation. As we learn, what we experience either fits into what we already know (assimilation). What does not fit in, has to be accomodated. So either our mind set has to change or the information we are processing has to change. From a psychological stand point, this is unsettling to the mind. SAHM had good advice in trying to medidate and release the negative feelings. Last week, on the waning moon, I did a ritual where I visualized the uncertainity and unecessary fears and doubts leaving me. It really helped me a lot.

Good luck, ((HUGS)) and e me if you want to talk some more.


BB!

Chris

[Elaine]

I went a little nutty and forgot there were two different threads of me whining.....I answered you on the other one Chryssi!!

I hope that you and your baby are healthy and doing ok now crystal....it always helps when someone reminds you that it could be worse!! at least I am healthy (as far as I know anyways) I'm glad you were able to change your life around....we have a possible job offer in Tallahasee (sp?) now so keep your fingers crossed for me....I think that that would be a wonderful change of life for me...I think a lot of my problems stem from lack of time to myself and lack of sleep...and lack of seeing my house!! I will definately try that visualization SAHM...anything I can do to try to not feel this way, I am willing to do!!! thanks again for all of your help... I'll let you know if the visualization helps!! *HUGS*