I'm lost

[seeker_Ashling]

It has been awhile since I've posted, have just been browsing the forums to answer any of the questions I have, but I've encountered something I just don't know how to overcome.

I long for communion with my Goddess. At first, I was sure that She was Brighid. All of my personality characteristics emphasized in a deity. All of my interests. And, because I saw these similarities and was able to relate to her, I saw her as my patron.

Well, I have some confusion. I have a conflict in my life, that I do not feel I can resolve on my own...I don't feel the strength to dig deep enough and find the answers. I need to find the right path, one where I would not feel alone. Not bashing, but aside from the emptiness, the loneliness is what ruled the Christian faith out for me. One of the contributing factors, anyway.

I also sense a difficult crossroad ahead in my life. I wish to find stability in my faith before I am pushed into either direction, so that I may be wise enough to make my own decision and live with it, knowing that it is what the Goddess saw fit for me.

Any help or advice you may have for me is most appreciated.

My Warmest Wishes
Kali

[finnbheara3]

Kali...I read your post over and over again...wanting to give you some concrete advice. Alas...I am probably falling short! ( You sound so much like me on your spiritual journey.) I dont think there are any EASY answers...I question my faith ALL the time. I always have, and most likely...always will. Questions and doubt arent a BAD thing...they sometimes make our resolutions stronger. I guess my advice, as weak as it is, is to keep searching your heart. Search it as deeply as you can, for the answer to your question truly lies there. As for Brighid..she is my patron goddess...and she has never let me down. I see her in the moon and the starlit skies. I see her in the sun and feel her warmth and hear her voice in the balmy summer breezes.....

Search your heart for the answers you need...for your heart is the dwelling place of the goddesss...by whatever name you choose to call Her!!

Blessings!
Finn

[Raevyn]

Sorry, I'm not clear on what you're asking - you say your patron is Brighid, but then that you're looking for a God/dess to help you... is there a reason you can't continue looking to Brighid for help?

[Mnemosyne]

Are you looking for another goddess besides Brighid to help you at this time in your life? Perhaps you should look at a goddess of strength if you are going through a difficult time. Or maybe you should continue to work with Brighid, since you feel a connection to her. During tough times, I stick by my patron deity. She gives me support. I bet that Brighid will continue to stick by you in your time of need. It's all about faith.

Bright Blessings! :sunny:

[seeker_Ashling]

The best I can explain it is I am doubting that Brighid is my patron Goddess. I feel that I may have laid claim to her as opposed to her wanting a thing to do with me. Perhaps the excitement and curiosity of being knew. She was the first Goddess I was drawn to, and it was like...wow. She's like me. She's got the same characteristics, and followed the path of the warrior which I am very drawn to. I've also experienced another "calling", to the Goddess Epona. My connection with her...my intense passion for horses, even before I ever got on a horse. In the third grade I was sneaking encyclepedia's home to learn more about them. Also, I feel a connection in the dream/nightmare aspect. I've experienced visions in my dreams, flashbacks, and nightmares a good portion of my life. I believe that Epona is a deity I could easily work with. However much I have reached out to Brighid she has not responded. I am not sure what I am supposed to do. I am doubting that I am indeed her warrior at all...I use the term warrior...more like a weak wannabe right now. It is vague, but I am looking for perhaps a direction or perhaps more questions to help me find the answers I am seeking...I can't seem to point my mind in any direction besides utter confusion. I'm sorry this is so long. It'sa situation that has caused me great frustration. I find that it is hard for me to meditate. Do not have the heart for ritual because I am not sure who to call upon, who to thank, or who is watching, guiding, and helping.
Many thanks.
Kali

[Raevyn]

In ritual you can call on anyone you want - Epona, Brighid, mother Goddess, and so on. Actually I would think if ritual is part of your beliefs you're doing worse by not doing it then doing it with a Goddess you choose.

Sometimes the Gods are very present in our lives, sometimes they aren't. Sometimes they call on us, and sometimes we choose them. If you aren't sure if you are Brighid's, you still recognize what you can learn from her and yourself in her, so I encourage you to keep working with her. You can still work with Epona as well, of course. Don't feel as if you're wrong for choosing a Goddess if you sincerely learn from her.

[Raevyn]

I wanted to add - though we often look for answers, we get more questions. Many people are unsure of themselves in relation to divine, so don't feel as if you're odd because you're not sure.

If anything, being confused about divine and searching for it almost blindly is *normal*.

[ashling]

Raevyn and Mnemosyne~
you are both absolutely correct. After thinking very long about it last night, I've determined that she will reach out to me when I am ready and truly receptive. Not on a whim, but when she needs me or I need her. I was simply afraid that she would not be there when I need her the most. Which is foolish of me, as I have had no true cause other than comfort and guidance to ask her. I always get the answers, but they seem to come from me. Which makes me think...am I hearing but not recognizing my Goddess? I am sorry for all of the questions, I don't want to be a pain. I just would like this straightened out so that I can give my Goddess the faith that I know I have inside of me, somewhere (deep). I appreciate your help.
Kali

[Sylv]

I think that some people just doubt more...I've had a couple experiences with deity, and afterwards I always began to question them. I flitted between paganism and atheism for months before I was convinced I had the faith within me to be a pagan. Some days I still wonder if I'm imagining it all. Personally, I've just accepted that sometimes I'm going to doubt, sometimes I'm not going to here a deity, I'm going to be feel all alone on this little planet. But those times end-usually I just do a meditation, or shuffle/study my tarot cards, or go sit up in an oak tree in my backyard. All these things put me in a more 'open' mood. I also have certain fiction books that do the same-David Eddings books, the Daughter of the Forest series, the Solitaire Mystery. What you need to do is discover the things that make you 'know' it's not in your head-no matter how little it is. And do it, every time you're doubting, despairing, etc.
I'm not sure if this is directly answering your question, but when I saw you talking about having faith somewhere inside you, I thought this might help a little. :)

[Eeluna]

Sometimes we are drawn to a Goddess through our research, and we can develop a close relationship with Her through meditation, ritual, creating artwork and poetry/stories, etc. in Her honor. Sometimes a Goddess comes to us totally unexpectedly, and we are left with a feeling of overwhelming awe and gratitude for the message She brings us. However, that kind of experience is rare--at least for me.

Perhaps that's what you're hoping for, but there's no guarantee you'll ever receive such a momentous experience. The Divine can be both subtle and bold. Sometimes a Goddess may reveal Herself through simple clues in our daily life. Perhaps a person will encounter a great number of symbols that are related to that Goddess, or through random reading, a Deities name may come up on several different and unexpected occasions. There are myriad ways that a God/Goddess can make their presence known.

I think the most important thing is pay attention to your life and your feelings/emotions. I believe that our emotions signal what is most important to us, and we should pay attention especially when they catch us by surprise.

Anyway, keep working to develop a relationship with those Goddesses whom you are drawn too. In time you will become more certain of your path.


I always get the answers, but they seem to come from me. Which makes me think...am I hearing but not recognizing my Goddess?

I think that the Goddess often answers us from within. We are a part of Her, and that would be a very easy way for Her to answer. The Goddess is always there for us. Sometimes we just have to be still and pay close attention. She will only leave us alone by our own choice.

Blessed Be

[ashling]

Thank you all very much. It has been a while since I have watched the flame of my candle. I am saddened to say that I had a small votive candle (well, 5 really) but the blue one of the five, the flame had a spirit, a companionable spirit. I did not feel alone with this spirit, he would burn for 6-7 hours at a time, sometimes dying down to barely a glow in the wick and then reigniting full force. It was beautiful, therapeutic, and in a way confirmed the basis of all of my beliefs, as odd as it may sound. I know that Brighid has embraced me as I have her. I have felt it in the past, experienced it, and have let myself doubt because it hasn't gone the way I had expected it to. Thank you all for causing me to think this all the way through, I appreciate your help. Each of you have brought up valid, useful points that I will remember should I find myself in this situation again.
Kali