Idril
May 8th, 2011, 12:06 PM
For me it's very hard to tell this, but I need to vent it out and receive some other people opinions on it, some feedback. I didn't know where so I've come back here after very long.
My brother abused sexually of me since I was four until I was seventeen and I finally could tell my mom. He is eight years older than me and the coward always did it when I was sleeping, or he though I was.
Until I was eleven I didn’t remember anything of this, but one night I woke up, and when I realize what he was doing to me I could not speak, I could not move, I have always blamed myself for not kicking him and start crying out for help. Then it was when I remembered what he had done when I was a little child and I was very afraid of how to tell my parents, what would happen to my family so I shutted up.
A couple of times more I woke up but I could manage to speak and he did nothing to me. Life for me was horrible, pretending nothing was happening, pretending to be a normal child, but I was not. I have always had problems to socialize and trust other people, I have always had problems to simply have fun and you don’t know how bad is that.
One night I woke up, and I told him I was gonna tell mom, he just shut up and came back to his bed. That morning I told my mom, she made it very difficult for me, asking for every ****ing detail and was so relieved when she learnt he didn’t penetrate me. She made me swear I woul not tell anyone, friends... even my other brother. When he woke up, she just changed him to another room and told him that if he had those needs he should go to the toilet (my parents are very old fashioned and have never spoke with us about sex). And that was it.
For a week I had doubts she had told my dad, I asked her and she told me yes, she had, and I was sure of it when one morning I went to the kitchen in pyjama, short sleeves and short and my dad told me “dress up you pig” and I felt he was blaming me.
I felt it so unfair... the only thing I could do was stop speaking to him. The people who should have cared most of me in this world were the ones that were hurting me the most, that were destroyinf my life. My mother’s worst fear is what other people could think.
One day my brother came to me, tried to speak to me and he told me “that people should know how to forgive” but he never asked for forgiveness. I HATE him, I wish he disappeared. In the other hand I can somehow understand my parents, my mother is a very good person except for this and he is her son too but there is also some part of me that hates them for how they have behaved with me.
It’s been seven years like this, living in the same house with them, keeping silence. My other brother is not a very good brother either, he is ten years older than me and very bossy and for the five past years he has not lived home, anyway he has not even realized I dont speak to our other brother.
In this time I have realized that when I am better it’s when I am away, besides my socializing problems I have had psomatization health problems and difficulties to have sexual relationships but I have never received any treatment nor being diagnosed of anything, what I know I know because I have researched it myself.
The problem is that this year he has moved with a girl and I am so afraid. I am afraid he can have his own children and do what he did to me again, I am afraid even when goes to sleep over with friends who have children. I think that girl should have the right to know who she is sleeping with. My mom has always been trying making him to speak to him again, she has told me that I am bad and that I make everybody’s life so hard so when I could put together enough courage and speak to my parents about my fears they were telling to me that I am stupid, that I think too much about this that he’s not gonna do it again, that I should go over it. My mom says he feels guilty enough but when I asked them why, why they are so sure he is not gonna do it again? The just answered “because he is not”. But I dont feel like that, he got with it the first time, why not do it again? We are from a small village, he has always been the charming, fun and social one and me the weird and sullen one, who would think he could do such a thing?
I told my parents that at least my other brother and his wife should know and they were completely against it, that it was good for nobody, I would ruin everybody’s life, what would the think about us etc etc When I insisted, that in the end they would know my mom insinuated that if I tell she would kill herself.
So now I have my hands completely tied, if I don’t tell something horrible that made me feel guilty for the rest of my life could happen and if I tell it could be even worse.
I am finishing university this June, at least I hope so, and then I want to move with my boyfriend, who is from another country. He is absolutely great, he knows everything and is always there when I need him but sometimes I think I am partly moving with him to be away from my family. I love my country and it makes me very sad the situation with my family, when I think about it, I see that in the future I will not see them often, my parents will not see my children grew up just because I would be so afraid to bring them over. I feel like I have no family, nobody, and it is very hard.
My brother abused sexually of me since I was four until I was seventeen and I finally could tell my mom. He is eight years older than me and the coward always did it when I was sleeping, or he though I was.
Until I was eleven I didn’t remember anything of this, but one night I woke up, and when I realize what he was doing to me I could not speak, I could not move, I have always blamed myself for not kicking him and start crying out for help. Then it was when I remembered what he had done when I was a little child and I was very afraid of how to tell my parents, what would happen to my family so I shutted up.
A couple of times more I woke up but I could manage to speak and he did nothing to me. Life for me was horrible, pretending nothing was happening, pretending to be a normal child, but I was not. I have always had problems to socialize and trust other people, I have always had problems to simply have fun and you don’t know how bad is that.
One night I woke up, and I told him I was gonna tell mom, he just shut up and came back to his bed. That morning I told my mom, she made it very difficult for me, asking for every ****ing detail and was so relieved when she learnt he didn’t penetrate me. She made me swear I woul not tell anyone, friends... even my other brother. When he woke up, she just changed him to another room and told him that if he had those needs he should go to the toilet (my parents are very old fashioned and have never spoke with us about sex). And that was it.
For a week I had doubts she had told my dad, I asked her and she told me yes, she had, and I was sure of it when one morning I went to the kitchen in pyjama, short sleeves and short and my dad told me “dress up you pig” and I felt he was blaming me.
I felt it so unfair... the only thing I could do was stop speaking to him. The people who should have cared most of me in this world were the ones that were hurting me the most, that were destroyinf my life. My mother’s worst fear is what other people could think.
One day my brother came to me, tried to speak to me and he told me “that people should know how to forgive” but he never asked for forgiveness. I HATE him, I wish he disappeared. In the other hand I can somehow understand my parents, my mother is a very good person except for this and he is her son too but there is also some part of me that hates them for how they have behaved with me.
It’s been seven years like this, living in the same house with them, keeping silence. My other brother is not a very good brother either, he is ten years older than me and very bossy and for the five past years he has not lived home, anyway he has not even realized I dont speak to our other brother.
In this time I have realized that when I am better it’s when I am away, besides my socializing problems I have had psomatization health problems and difficulties to have sexual relationships but I have never received any treatment nor being diagnosed of anything, what I know I know because I have researched it myself.
The problem is that this year he has moved with a girl and I am so afraid. I am afraid he can have his own children and do what he did to me again, I am afraid even when goes to sleep over with friends who have children. I think that girl should have the right to know who she is sleeping with. My mom has always been trying making him to speak to him again, she has told me that I am bad and that I make everybody’s life so hard so when I could put together enough courage and speak to my parents about my fears they were telling to me that I am stupid, that I think too much about this that he’s not gonna do it again, that I should go over it. My mom says he feels guilty enough but when I asked them why, why they are so sure he is not gonna do it again? The just answered “because he is not”. But I dont feel like that, he got with it the first time, why not do it again? We are from a small village, he has always been the charming, fun and social one and me the weird and sullen one, who would think he could do such a thing?
I told my parents that at least my other brother and his wife should know and they were completely against it, that it was good for nobody, I would ruin everybody’s life, what would the think about us etc etc When I insisted, that in the end they would know my mom insinuated that if I tell she would kill herself.
So now I have my hands completely tied, if I don’t tell something horrible that made me feel guilty for the rest of my life could happen and if I tell it could be even worse.
I am finishing university this June, at least I hope so, and then I want to move with my boyfriend, who is from another country. He is absolutely great, he knows everything and is always there when I need him but sometimes I think I am partly moving with him to be away from my family. I love my country and it makes me very sad the situation with my family, when I think about it, I see that in the future I will not see them often, my parents will not see my children grew up just because I would be so afraid to bring them over. I feel like I have no family, nobody, and it is very hard.