Sharing Myself as I find my way.

[Gently Gazing Eyes]

I'm going to be responding to this thread off and on as I think of things to put in it, but of course anyone is welcome to post and comment on what I say. If by some chance, you've dedicated yourself to a lifelong study of The Life and Times of James (having had enough of The Rants of James), this is a must-read! :D

---


Being both new and confused, I have gone through quite a bit of worrying and insecurity as I begin and embark on a journey as long as this is bound to be in my search for my own path. Even as yet I do not have a 'label' to call myself, I have nontheless pretty much affirmed for myself what I consider to be important and the means by which I shall live to meet these guidelings, which to me is much more important than having preset in my mind what to write down if someone says "What particular sect of Paganism are you?"

I have been thinking long and hard, and meditating throughout the day. I have been giving thanks to Her for Her blessings, and striving not to take even simple things for granted. I have been seeking to discover what I wish to call myself, I think, a bit too much, and I have come to realize that. Rather than focus on a name or label, I simply accept that I am seeking The Goddess and a closer relationship with her; what others see me as is up to their interpretation anyway, so why pre-set a generalization which would inevitably only serve to misinform?

To this ends, I must share a bit of truth from my past; although I have openly disregarded and all but blasphemized the Christian faith for several years now, I never truly dismissed or renounced myself from that particular faith. I feel that perhaps I was too frightened by the thought of truly being an athiest or agnostic, as it was still comforting on whatever level to be able to, in times of great worry, call on God and pray in His name for guidance. Even though I was thoroughly a hypocrit by being against other such hypocrites, I figured no one would ever learn anything of it so it would never bother me too much, and that 'eventually' I would simply renounce myself sometime down the road.

Recently, that eventuality came to pass. After a bit of quiet meditation, where my visualization sorta failed again to be quite as I had wanted it, I simply sat and began to speak. I was simply talking to myself at first, but eventually I began a dialogue directed towards the Christian ideal of God. I said quite a bit to Him, and of course I gave Him the respect He deserves by not calling him The Goddess; it seemed much easier for me to visualize the two as seperate entities at the time for purposes of communication.

In any event, I eventually came to explaining WHY I came to find my path as it currently is, and my intentions. I stressed very greatly a few points in particular; that I was not forsaking Him, that I was not forsaking His work, that I was merely seeking to find for myself my own interpretation of the Divine. Aside from the fact that I did not wish to declare myself as blasphemizing the works of God, this does actually match how I feel; I wholeheartedly feel that I am forsaking none but my own past interpretations of the same Divine. I am casting aside the pre-formed views that were forced on me, and seeking to find my own. I feel it entirely logical that the same Divine that I now envision as The Goddess is the same Divine that Christians envision as God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.

As for my personal ways of practice, they are a bit limited with due cause to both my own thoughts and to constraints imposed by the fact that I live in a Christian household, in a Christian community. I do not particularly feel it necessary to perform any rites of magick, or even to constuct for myself an altar; I feel that meditation, reflection and prayer are enough to allow myself the relationship I wish with Goddess. At the same time as I assume these things, I remain open to change and confident that, should I be wrong, Goddess would be so kind as to show me my errors, and to guide me to practice as She would wish.

At the moment, I simply envision the Divine as Goddess; She has no visualized appearance yet in my mind, and I have not yet associated her with any goddess from any pantheon. I simply think it would be a bit arrogant of me to place a label on Her by assigning to Her the traits of a pre-formed goddess some other culture or people came up with as their interpretation of Her.

I intend to remain open-minded and questioning of everything, and it is quite possible that I may eventually come to associate Her with some other goddess, should she lead me along that course of action. I hold the same to be true with the envisionment of God, her consort; if I were better to benefit from such a perspective, I feel She will lead me to think of Him as seperate, though at the moment there is only Goddess.

I do feel quite a bit better now that I have shared my thoughts. They may not be the best thoughts, and they may not even be correct; I may change them in the immediate future perhaps. Above all, they are what comes from my own reflection upon myself, and I feel that means a little something.


Blessed be.

[IsisErin]

What you've said makes a lot of sense to me, and reminds me of my own starting ground.

I find it interesting that you are viewing your past interpretations of God as masculine, and your new thoughts now as feminine. I too, come from a Baptist background, and in my situation, I always saw the Divine as both male and female (although I didn't tell anyone, don't think they would have liked that much) but identified more with the female side, and now, I feel more comfortable with the Goddess, although I respect the God. I think that's mainly because I'm a girl.

Anyway, I look forward to reading the next instalment of your spiritual story, it'll help me to reflect on and question my own.

[Gently Gazing Eyes]

Seriously, I thank you much. It may be quite some time before I post on it again, or it may be very soon; I may spend several weeks of meditation without any clear answers, or She may speak to me in volumes tomorrow. I don't claim to know Her plans for me. :)

[Gently Gazing Eyes]

I have been reading other threads here and there's a thread by Zerofactor about his girlfriend having some bad experiences with an Ouija board. People began to talk about how there are spirits both good and bad, ghosts and demons, et cetera. What occurred to me is the question, How do these entities exist in a Pagan religion such as Wicca where it is believed we are reincarnated?

I plan to put some serious thoughts on this, and try to figure it out for myself through speaking with Goddess, hoping She will lead me to answers. It does seem a bit disturbing; is it possible that after I die, and the essence of what I am is passed on to another bodily being, that some part of me will remain to simply flitter around? If so, will I experience the passing of time, or will I simply be truly non-corporeal and be able to experience all that is at once and uninterrupted? If so, I think that'd be pretty nice. Perhaps instead I will simply be unconscious of my former self as I live out a new life, and my former self will go off, judged by fate? Or will I perhaps have no knowledge of my present self and be engrossed in my former self?

Just my recent thoughts.

[Zerofactor]

Well, I've always thought of it this way, and this is my opinion. When you do pass on, I believe that you do "flitter around" for a bit, but when your soul is ready to move on, you then take on a new life i.e. reincarnation. I like to think of it as an intermission between lives.


Originally posted by PaganInkubus

I have been reading other threads here and there's a thread by Zerofactor about his girlfriend having some bad experiences with an Ouija board. People began to talk about how there are spirits both good and bad, ghosts and demons, et cetera. What occurred to me is the question, How do these entities exist in a Pagan religion such as Wicca where it is believed we are reincarnated?

I plan to put some serious thoughts on this, and try to figure it out for myself through speaking with Goddess, hoping She will lead me to answers. It does seem a bit disturbing; is it possible that after I die, and the essence of what I am is passed on to another bodily being, that some part of me will remain to simply flitter around? If so, will I experience the passing of time, or will I simply be truly non-corporeal and be able to experience all that is at once and uninterrupted? If so, I think that'd be pretty nice. Perhaps instead I will simply be unconscious of my former self as I live out a new life, and my former self will go off, judged by fate? Or will I perhaps have no knowledge of my present self and be engrossed in my former self?

Just my recent thoughts.

[Gently Gazing Eyes]

It's true what they say; old habits truly do go away slowly. I find I still find myself accidently saying things that seem to be somehow out of place now. For example, when a friend here on these forums told me that she can DL 700MB in 15 minutes, my responce was "...good god." That and " 'oly sheeit!" are going to be sorta hard to replace.. but I figure I'll manage.

Also, I am wondering, with Ostara and Easter coming up soon, how I will confront my family. It is usually customary for us all to hold hands in a large circle and return thanks to God and all that. I am wondering if it is unethical to feign belief in what I am saying or what is being said, in the interest of self-preservation and continued room and board.

Tonight, I found myself saying a typical memorized copy-and-paste prayer before eating that I had said every day for I don't know how long, simply to appease my grandparents. This too disturbs me, for it indicates a lack of mental discipline.

[Gently Gazing Eyes]

I have come to actually get along with my cat recently, probably because I have stopped treating it as a pet and more as a friend; I talk to it and give it things it seems to want and it spends time with me, and just sitting and staring at it staring back at me has made me feel rather happy. Sometimes I swear it knows what I am thinking; it just seems to have that sort of look on its face. If it could, I feel it would talk to me verbally. Perhaps in the future, it may choose to communicate with me some other way that will be more meaningful. For now, it's happy to sit and listen to my rambling about my insecurities and thoughts, so long as I don't pick it up or force it to move.

[Gently Gazing Eyes]

I got woke up this afternoon to come help my grandmother rake the front yard of leaves. I've never liked doing yardwork but I smiled and tried to take it generously. I found that it was not at all the menial task I had thought it to be, and that somehow I actually enjoyed it. Perhaps this is because I find myself having a blank mind when doing any sort of physical work outside. It occurred to me that I might go out and rake someone's yard whenever meditation fails to be enough. :D

Anyway, a whole new aspect of what I was doing came to mind mid-way through it. I reasoned that it wasn't a task for my grandmother that I was doing, but rather I was servicing the little peice of nature that exists in my front yard. Since the yard hasn't been raked since it got cooler down here, there was a thick layer of leaves covering up the newly sprouting plants, and I would assume that would be detrimental. Instead of seeing myself as a teenager being forced to do yardwork, I saw myself as an undertaker, quietly getting rid of the dead bodies lying about so they don't cramp the living space of the live ones. :)

One problem did occur to me in this; I became very upset to the point of nearly weeping when I saw my grandmother running around pulling up weeds. You see, where I live there is a very wide variety of wild plants and flowers, most of which the native ignorant people call weeds. Onion flowers are weeds, dandelions are weeds, clovers are weeds, etc. There was one plant in particular that made me feel particularly bad, because it was in the process of blooming. It was one of those little 'weeds' with fuzzy small leaves with bits of purple in them, and at the top of the stem, two bright pink bulges were growing on it.

If anyone knows the name of the plant I was describing, a PM or post here would be great.

[AstraSkye]

Originally posted by PaganInkubus

One problem did occur to me in this; I became very upset to the point of nearly weeping when I saw my grandmother running around pulling up weeds.

I had similar feelings when I was younger. My parents owned a small cottage, and we had quite a lot of things growing in the garden. I often saw my mom pulling up blooming, quite pretty plants, calling them "weeds". Sometimes I saw her pulling up plants she was "just tired of having there".

I never said anything, though.

[Gently Gazing Eyes]

I don't feel I can openly say anything either; the conversation would just be shot straight to shizit.

"Grandma! You're destroying life! That's wrong! All life is sacred!"
"They're weeds and they need to be pulled!"
"But it's wrong! It's against my beliefs!"
"What beliefs? You haven't been to church in a long time and you're just a child!"
"Umm.. yeah, I been meaning to talk to you about that.."


It would spiral downhill from there, and my 'sinful ways' would be blamed in the InterWeb as they call it, and then I would have to like, run away and live with my friend in the back seat of his car or something. :rolleyes:

[AstraSkye]

Some people... :woah:

(((PaganInkubus)))

[Gently Gazing Eyes]

I feel I just had a very moving experience.. it we very enlightening and has reaffirmed for me that I am on the right path to Goddess. It was around 1 AM where I live, and it was the first time I've ever done something with the direct intent of reaching out to Goddess, and it is the first time I got such a powerful response.

I had it set in my mind that I would be going outside tonight after everyone had gone to bed, with the intention of opening my mind to Goddess through meditation. I felt the prying urge to change my shoes, as the time came, and so I did; I changed into a pair of leather slip-on thingies as opposed to the plasticish things I usually wear. I also slipped on my leather jacket as it was a bit chilly. I took with me a flashlight and nothing else.

As I exited the back door and stepped onto the porch, my cat was there to greet me. The neighbourhood dogs began to bay at me as I made my way onto the grass just off of the porch. I sat down and turned out the flashlight, crossed my legs and looked around a bit. I was on the verge of simply not trying it since the dogs were still barking at me and I knew I would be unable to concentrate, but I felt compelled to make an attempt.

So I sat there, with my back straight and my legs bent but not crossed, with my hands resting on my thighs, palm-side up. I allowed my eyes to slip shut and I forced myself to push doubts out of my mind so that I could at least make an honest attempt at meditation. I began to clear my mind entirely, and after a few minutes, a series of events began to occur which I interpret as Goddess's presence and communication with me.

I first tried to focus on not thinking about my breathing, and so I focused on the sounds of nature around me; the sounds of crickets chirping, the sound of my cat moving and breathing several feet away from me.. and I noticed that the dogs had stopped barking. As I focused on the sounds, I thought at first I was simply imagining hearing footsteps or something because I heard the slight rustle of leaves without wind. I opened my eyes to see if perhaps I had been caught, but there was no one around and the sounds stopped.

I made a quick check with the flashlight all around me, to be sure, and there was nothing. So again, I returned along the same procedure; first the crickets, then the cat, and then once more I heard the light rustling of leaves. This time I only let my eyes slip open a bit, and once more there was nothing and the sounds stopped.

The third time, I took more time focusing on each sound I heard, and placed its origin as best I could, and actually envisioned in my mind a little 'map' of where everything was happening around me. When once again I came to the sound of disturbed leaves, I kept my eyes closed this time. I focused on the sounds, and realized it was not the sound of leaves moving and breaking, but of them being tapped by something very small. As I sat there, I began to pray to Goddess, that she fill my heart with peace and give me guidance along the path to Her.

As I said the words aloud, I became aware of the smell of damp earth, yet it had been dry today. The sounds of tapping against the leaves became more distinct, and occurred more often; eventually I felt a raindrop hit my nose. Immediately my eyes came open, and I was gazing back upon the mundane world; the visualization in my mind completely gone. I looked around, and there was no rain, there was no water at all, there was no sound of disturbed leaves. All was as I left it.

Once more, I sat back and attempted meditation, focusing on the crickets, only they had stopped their chiming. So instead I focused on the cat, only she had stopped moving, so all I could hear was my breathing, shadowed by the faint sounds of the cat's breathing as she sat in her water bowl on the porch. (This in itself should have stuck me as odd as she hates water, but it didn't at the time.)

I continued to pray to Goddess, speaking softly as I always do, and I once again asked Her for guidance along my path. I did not ask her for a sign, nor did I ask her for affirmation, yet I feel what happened next was exactly that. The sounds of pitter patter on the leaves once again resumed, the scent of moist earth returned, and the feeling of rain on my skin was felt again. I sat there in prayer, trying to disregard what my physical senses were telling me; I assumed it was raining in my visualization of myself and my surroundings.

After quite some time, the sound of rain became loud, and I heard something in the faint wind, almost like a voice. I could not make out any words at all, and it seemed more a breathy sigh than it did any string of words. I felt suddenly very compelled to open my eyes, and so I did. My eyes opened to see that it was indeed raining now. I looked around and I felt with my hands the wet blades of grass and the dirt that was only slightly damp on the surface. I looked around in amazement, and smiled. I even laughed softly out loud, and I can only imagine the expression on my face.

I let my eyes stay open for the remainder of my time outside, convinced that Goddess was with me. I said my thanks to her, for the things I felt thankful for at the time. I thanked her especially for showing herself to me, and for her presence. I thanked her for her comfort, and asked that she would share her wisdom with me, as I search for the path to her. The rain continued throughout this dialogue, a pleasant rain that was soft and soothing to sit in. A breeze accompanied this rain, from the southeast I remember as I was facing north and it came from my right, and it was cool against my cheek.

After I had said my prayer, given Her thanks and expressed my lover to Her, the rain began to lessen, and I felt that she was in the process of leaving, or perhaps that she was ready to leave. I bid Her thanks once more for coming, and asked that she would be with me as I find my path. I felt very happy and contented, as I sat there, and slowly I felt her presence slip away, as did the rain shortly thereafter. The cat pulled herself out of the water bowl, and then the crickets resumed chirping. The rain came to a total stop and the dogs began to bay at me again, and I knew that She was gone.

It was very enlightening, and it helped to affirm to me that I am on the right path. :)

[Gently Gazing Eyes]

As I mentioned in other threads, and now mention here so as to have all relevent stufferz consolidated into one thread, I intend to be making my own Athame soonly. My grandfather has a lot of metalworking tools and my father works at a bakery in maintenance and has access to scrap metal from machinery. Thus, I will be making, in several attempts most likely, an athame for myself. I may even practice it and get good enough at making knives it to sell them at local trades days.

[Gently Gazing Eyes]

I wrote this prayer today in about five minutes, and it's taken me over two hours to fully memorize it. I intend to say it every night before I go to bed to feign sleep, and once again when I actually go to bed with the intent of sleeping, and it will be my general prayer after any communication with Goddess or God.



Old Ones,
I bid that you hear me as I offer thanks.

I thank thee both, My Lord and My Lady, for the blessings bestowed upon me that I take for granted. I am thankful for my life and for the lives of those around me. I am thankful for my health and for the health of those around me. I am thankful for my path, and the comfort it has brought to me.

Old Ones,
I bid that you pity me as I request guidance.

I ask thee both, My Lord and My Lady, to guide me as I live my life. My Lord, I ask that you grant me grounding and zeal, so that I may be sensible and yet passionate in my thoughts and actions. My Lady, I ask that you grant me intellect and emotion, so that I may be knowledgeable and compassionate in my thoughts and actions. I ask that you both be with me always to guide me when I most need it.

[serenarian]

Thank you for linking this for me. It is beautiful and very enlightening to read someone else's spiritual development. Thank you. I especially like the prayer you wrote.

[Gently Gazing Eyes]

So much to talk about right now but so little of it is truly important enough to warrant documentation. In the interest of a complete compilation of my thoughts, I will put down the most significant of what has happened this past night and couple of days. This mainly has to do with, as the title suggests, panflutes and christians.


Firstly, since it's a much simpler and happier topic, I'll discuss panflutes. Recently I've found myself obsessed with finding myself a panflute; it doesn't need to be one of those large and extravagent sets, and even a simple synthetic set of panpipes would work for me. I think my obsession with getting a panflute comes from wanting to form a connection with God as well as Goddess. The more I read, the more I find myself seeing God as very similar to Pan, and so in hopes of somehow connecting I am wanting to procure and make use of a panflute. Just as Goddess smiled upon me through rain, perhaps God shall smile upm me through music.

The other topic to be addressed presently is that of Christians. I never did realize until I was not one of them how incredibly stubborn and thick-headed christians could be. Speaking with a few online, it was all I could do to keep from bashing my head against the desk in frustration. They simply made every effort they could to refute things that even the Bible itself says, simply because it was a Pagan saying it. I really do dislike ignorant christians--that is to say, either ignorant people who call themselves christian, or christians who are ignorant of their own doctrines--for they are truly annoying to me. That's not to say that all christians are ignorant ones, but it baffels me how non-christian some christians can be. Now I can thoroughly see why the person who made whywiccanssuck.com made it, and I can relate to it, as the exact same reasoning and principles as to why christians suck; the doctrines are all fine and dandy, but egads, the people who practice them! :(

Oh well, this is more of a rant than reflection, so I should probably just stop with it.

[Gently Gazing Eyes]

As I have said before, I am running out of money and Internet may be cut soon. As this is simply unacceptable I am thinking of using my newfound appreciation of manual yardwork as a supplement to my non-existant income. There's several retired old women living around here who often ask their grandkids or something to do yardwork for them, and have employed me in the past. I feel I could get a good $20 every week from this, and it would give me ample time to spend in semi-meditation and thinking over things. It should be very rewarding I think; even if it takes several hours to do it manually as opposed to using a gasoline-driven mower, it'll be worth it I think to use an old-fashioned manually-driven one.

[Rainx]

Originally posted by PaganInkubus
I never did realize until I was not one of them how incredibly stubborn and thick-headed christians could be.

The fact that they are Christian is largely arbitrary - there are a lot of ignorant people, and the majority of people in north america are Christian - the two groups tend to intersect a lot only because both groups are so large.

Ignorant self-righteous people, regardless of the religion they lay claim to, suck.

[Gently Gazing Eyes]

It's been known for about a month now that my Internet would be being cut as of the end of this month, and I have been in a frantic search for employment ever since then. I have been looking for a job everywhere and none have been available, and I must admit I had fallen into despair over this issue. Nothing I did seemed to sway my grandfather from his way, and it seemed pretty much hopeless since there weren't any openings anywhere.

Luck seems to be smiling down on me now, for something has just come up. Today while I was out job-hunting, my grandfather decided to strike a deal with me; he'd continue paying for the Internet as it is now -- as in no need to downgrade to really slow Internet like I though -- provided I tend to the yardwork twice a month. Imagine that, for about an hour's work every two weeks, I get to keep the Internet in all its glory. With my newfound love for yardwork, this truly does come as a blessing for me; an opportunity to routinely go into that semi-meditational state that I love, as well as an opportunity to keep the Internet.

[IsisErin]

The sort of thing you're putting in here would work well in an online journal. I've just started one at www.livejournal.com There's a few of us from here have them.

Just thought you might like the tip.

[AstraSkye]

Originally posted by PaganInkubus

It's been known for about a month now that my Internet would be being cut as of the end of this month, and I have been in a frantic search for employment ever since then. I have been looking for a job everywhere and none have been available, and I must admit I had fallen into despair over this issue. Nothing I did seemed to sway my grandfather from his way, and it seemed pretty much hopeless since there weren't any openings anywhere.

Luck seems to be smiling down on me now, for something has just come up. Today while I was out job-hunting, my grandfather decided to strike a deal with me; he'd continue paying for the Internet as it is now -- as in no need to downgrade to really slow Internet like I though -- provided I tend to the yardwork twice a month. Imagine that, for about an hour's work every two weeks, I get to keep the Internet in all its glory. With my newfound love for yardwork, this truly does come as a blessing for me; an opportunity to routinely go into that semi-meditational state that I love, as well as an opportunity to keep the Internet.

Woohoo!! :D

[Gently Gazing Eyes]

I just recently got a job interview set up for circuit city!
I am so happy, and I attribute it to nights of prayer. :)
I am so lucky. :D

[serenarian]

I don't know if you post in this anymore but I miss you.

Anyway I just wanted to say that. :(

[Gently Gazing Eyes]

Last night, I was consecrating a few things, making use of the kitchen to do so. The tap faucet was for water, nusalt for earth, a cigarette lighter for fire and smoke from burning grease for air. Anyways, during this, my chalice randomly burst into several peices. It wasn't overly hot or anything; in fact it wasn't even in the fire or near it at the time, nor had I suddenly doused water on it, so there wasn't a sudden temperature change. It had been set aside after being consecrated, out of the way. Then it just randomly split down the middle and each half broke in half, again until there were about 8 peices, of approximately the same size.


Any idea what happened anyone?

[Gently Gazing Eyes]

I have been thinking a bit as of late, and it occurs to me that most places shouldn't be haunted, assuming that the only legitimate reason for a haunting would be a truly enraged or anguished spirit refusing to leave. It stands to reason that most haunted places would merely be so because the spirits are unable or unready to cross over. I have been looking into this, and have come to the conclusion that I would perhaps like to one day go around helping spirits along their way. I will look into spells and rituals, probably several years of independent study, but this really calls to me. Just thinking of all the spirits who are for some reason or another unable to cross over disheartens me, and it seems to me good is all that could come of helping them to move on and be reborn.

Comments anyone?