"Touching Base".

[Danustouch]

Okay..others have built shrines, I think it's about time I started to do the same, since I seem to have had alot of praying to do lately.


First off, Goddess..I owe you a LONNNNG belated thank you. I was talking to another of your children tonight, and realized/remembered something. I never thanked you, for Wolfwytch.

That old saying, that some people move through your life, and leave footprints on your heart, is SO true. Wolfwytch was one of those. Thank you SO much for him.

I was young. I thought I had all the answers. I had so many needs. And I was SO hopelessly naieve. Thank you, for him being the one I ran into during that time. Thank you for giving me a CHANCE to see how naieve I was being. I didn't realize it then. I didn't realize it until very recently...but he realized it THEN.... and he did not take advantage of it.

I still remember his scent..Sandalwood. I remember feeling so warm and safe with him. That wasn't a false feeling. I remember his heart beating, in his warm flannell shirt, sheltering me against that cold misty day in Smugglers Notch, which you gave to us.

I thank you for him. For those memories, for those experiences. For that time.

I wish I'd learned the lesson that you tried to teach me, through him. He TRIED to tell me, it was a warning, wasn't it Goddess? Against my impulsive nature, against my naivetee.. he stopped me from hurting myself then, by making a decision which would have made me unhappy. I was so rebellious. I was so angry at him.

But.. here I am. Years later. In the very situation, only with another man, that he refused to allow me to enter into, with him. He could have. He could have jeopardized me. He could have taken advantage of my idealism, and my optimisim, my "follow him anywhere" atttitude, but he didn't.

Instead...someone else DID. I was so stupid. I should have taken the warning. I didn't.

I don't know if this "thank you" will ever reach his ears. It would make him uncomfortable, for me to email it to him now. And besides, the lack of detail, might leave him wondering. Plus..he is happy in his new life. And I thank you for that too. I'm so happy that he found happiness. Someone so much more suited to him. Age and experience whise.

But..I needed to thank him somehow. So ..thank you wolfwytch, and thank you Goddess..for letting him walk through my life.

[Danustouch]

Okay...Goddess..I am very confused. Sunday, you gave us so many positive signs that this business could succeed. But now that it's over...i'm already feeling "blocked" from proceeding any further. Is this a test? Or are we NOT supposed to do this? Or are we supposed to wait? Or is there some "gift" on its way to us?

I'm so confused.

This has been my dream, and it has been her dream. And we SAW on Sunday, that it CAN come true. "If Only" we have money to finance it with. "If Only" we have the time to devote to it. I HAVE the time, to do alot, Mother. But not to do it all. I HAVE the time to make the things that I can make. But I am limited in skill. She has gifts, and I have others. I can do all I can with mine, but I cannot do what she does. And SHE doesn't have time. What she does..with her days.. is give. Selflessly. She's SO busy, constantly. So busy, that she is not able to follow her dream, as she wants to..as she deserves to. Volunteering, because nobody else will, or can do it. Supporting her boys, as much as she can, through her odd jobs, and her disability check. WHY doesn't her ex husband pay his child support? Even if she took him to court..he'd only wind up in jail..unable to pay it. WHY doesn't he get off his butt and find a job? She's limited in time, and we're BOTH limited on funds.

Please, let something break. Send us a helpful angel.. or something. Make a break in the clouds for us. I'm willing to work for it..just show me HOW. and WHERE!

[Danustouch]

Now..i'm sick. I haven't had a stomach bug like this in six years. I feel awful. Mother, please let it go away!!!!!!

[Danustouch]

Thank you for letting my fever break. And for the virus passing.
24 hour stomach bugs...thank you for letting it only be that, and thank you for letting John be understanding of me sleeping all day, and all night. Please don't let him catch it now....

Oh..and I dont know if this is selfish at all, but...thank you for allowing that model to cancel tonight. I may be feeling better, but I don't think I would have had the energy to clean the whole house today....

[Danustouch]

Mother...Somehow..I've got to find inspiration, to write this class. There's alot going on right now which is discouraging me from my goals. But this is one goal, I don't intend to let suffer. Beltane will be wonderful. And this class, will help many, and also help me to be able to enjoy the event. So... a little bit of Brighid's fire would do me a lot of good right now.

Bless my pen, or my fingers on the keyboard. Let them be light. Let my thoughts come through.

So Mote It Be.

[Danustouch]

So..I know I've been quiet the last couple of days. Goddess, sometimes, it's even hard to pray. When I feel this depressed, and hopeless, I don't even want to think, much less pray. I just want to find a way to avoid it all.

He told me what I wanted to hear today....that he would choose me, if it came down to it. But how can I give him that ultimatum, knowing that he'd resent me for it later. There IS no solution to this. Not one we would both be happy with. It makes me just want to run....but there is nowhere, really, for me to run to. I just don't want to go on feeling sick, all the time, from the stress, and heartache. I just don't want to walk around, feeling like I'm crying inside.

Right now..I'm lonely, I feel hopeless, when all around me, there are signs of life. People keep saying.."Spring is here, i'm so excited". And yet, I can't seem to find the excitement! I had it..before the psychic fair. But..Phyllis' attitude really threw me for a loop. I have NO idea what she is going to do now, and I feel like i'm hanging in the balance with yet ONE more thing in my life. I hate this.

I know that I've let responsibilities slide. I should be working on that class. I should be taking better care of the house. I should be doing stuff. But..I just don't have it in me. And sitting on this computer isn't helping me either. It doesn't make me feel less lonely. Or less bored. It's just..a way to waste some time in the day. I need some hope. Some inspiration. I need some positive sign. Some little helping hand.

My court date is Monday. I'm nervous. Because of my poor luck, I really don't have faith that I will get it. And yet, I need it SO bad, for so many reasons. I could do SO much with that. I could make myself safe. Secure. I could take care of my health needs. I could invest some of it into my business, with or without phyllis. Goddes..I need this! I need SOMETHING. Please help me.

[Danustouch]

So what lesson, besides the obvios, can I take from this most recent developement? I think I know...but everytime I THINK I know.... it gets screwed up anyway. I screwed up, awfully. And wound up hurting a friend, so accidentally, in my ignorance. And what's worse, is I don't even have a way to "fix" it immediately. I'm NOT cut out for this, as hard as I tried to be. It was my dream. And I poured SO much into it. But..now, i'm getting stop signs, and barricades every step I take. So....does this mean that it's time I just gave up? Go home and endure? Is that what you were trying to tell me? It wasn't for lack of trying mother. I put my heart into it. But..it seems I always screw things up anyway, even though my heart is always in the right place.

[Danustouch]

Thank you for the energy to write that much of the class today, Mother. Help me get through the rest of it.

So Mote it Be.

[Danustouch]

Goddess.. Grant me Serenity today. I am restless. I am irritable. I need to get OUT of this house, and start doing something. I'm tired of having to give my life away, so that HE can do what HE wants to do. Sit and work on the computer, every evening, if we DONT have a model over, and on the weekends, TOO. I want to go back in time.....skip this last year. It has been heck. And..so far, I just see no signs that things will change. That we'll have a life again, And frankly, I cannot stand this "standing still" any longer.

So...i'm going to go work in the house, quickly, and then, try and find a rake, to do some yard work. I hope that just getting outside, and doing something, will help me feel better. I just wish that he could be doing it WITH me.

Serenity.... a big heaping plate of it, please.

Oh..and as for that "other irritant" make him go AWAY!

[Danustouch]

I am not crazy.
I am not paranoid.
The things which bother me, bother me for a reason.
My intuitions ARE correct.
My eyes do not lie to me,
My heart does not deceive me.
My ears do not send me false messages.

Mother..always help me to keep this in mind. I am human, and thus fallible. However, my spirit knows when something is *wrong*. It is *wrong* perhaps for no other reason, that no human being should be made to feel as uncomfortable, unhappy, miserable, and insecure as this entire situation has made me.

Help me to be strong. To demand what is fair, and right for myself. To not cave to the wishes of ANYONE simply because I fear for loss of their approval. For what does their approval mean, if I cannot even approve of myself?

Help him keep his word.
Help me keep my word to myself.
Help THEM to see.............

I will not cave. I have nothing to cave...FOR. I am deserving of approval..if from noone else, than from myself.

So Mote it Be.

[Danustouch]

Hmmmmmmmm...Guess I should be careful what I ask for, eh Goddess. LOL. Thank you for the rain...please let it keep up steadily throughout the day tomorrow. BUT... Monday..I realllllly need to get to court. So...if you could hold off that snow..until I get back.......it would be MUCH appreciated. As for the rain..... keep it coming allllllllll through the day tomorrow (if you let it clear overnight, i'd be okay with that). I feel you watching out for me... Thanks. I really need that extra "watching out" right now. Especially after yesterday's events. Things can get so...out of control, Mother. Thank you for not allowing me to be harmed...well...not including the bump, scrape, and stiffness :)

Thank you, a million times, thank you, for my kitten little. She is the world to me, and you know that. Having her around, makes life bearable. She brings ALL the smiles into my day. I've never met such a creature of absolute love. Unconditional. For both me, and her daddy. (of course..john is "Not Da Mamma!") She is the bridge. She is a jewel. She is my heart. Thank you for giving her to me.

[Danustouch]

Mother,

I feel like I cannot get through this. I feel like I am drowning. I feel like every day, I am dying a little bit more. I have already lost my sanity. I have already lost every shred of my pride. I have already lost my self respect, and I have already lost "love". I have NOTHING more to hold me. I have nothing more to ground me.

I want to escape. I want to fly out of my body, and leave this place. I don't want to face a new life. I want the old life back. I want the pain to end.

I am sore, and broken, in body, spirit, and mind.

I have nothing left, but rage. I have nothing left, but this thirst for revenge. And I KNOW that is wrong. The revenge part I mean, after all..I could have left. I didn't HAVE to put up with this. I chose my path, did I not, Mother?

And yet, it burns, this desire that he would know the pain that he has put me through. I want to see it returned to him. I don't want it anymore..I want to give it back to him. "Here is the pain you've dealt. I have no need for it anymore. Take it. And oh..here's an extra 300% interest on it. May you never do this again".

I feel like there is no end to this suffering. No end to my pain. It just get's worse, and worse, and I've TRIED so hard to be strong mother..for SO long. Three years is an awfully long time to dwell in Sheol. And that is where I am. The pit, the mass grave. Just as every woman who has been betrayed, lied to, damaged, hurt, demeaned, disrespected. We all lay in this grave. WHY? WHY do these men exist? Why are they permitted to get bye? Why do they never seem to get what is coming to them?

I pray to you..but right now..I feel nothing. Right now...today...and every day that this happens, you are as far away from me, as the stars in the heaven. Hidden on rainy nights, behind the clouds that loom. I don't believe, right now, that you are there. I tried to. Last night..I thought... but..I wasn't right. You weren't. You weren't there. WHERE are you? WHY do you not let this end?

Because I don't? Give me the means then, Goddess. Because right now, the only "endings" i see which are possible, are filled with pain, and suffering.

I cannot bear this any longer. I cannot carry this with me, any longer. I cannot LIVE with it any longer. Take it away!!!!

[Danustouch]

*Lights a Green Candle and Bayberry Incense*

Once more I come to you, Goddess..Humbly. I *have* no alternative, BUT to trust you. I cannot feel you, this I admit. I cannot see what you are doing, or why, or if you are working at all. But..I'm TRYING so hard, to have faith, anyway. I'm trying SO hard to believe...to KEEP that belief. And so I come before you, once more..to ask..PLEASE show me that you are here, that you are listening, that you KNOW, and that you want to help....

Today is the day. Today I may know what my future holds. Security, or more fear. Security, or more pain. Security, and FREEDOM mother. I have worked, I have held on, I have struggled, and I have tried. Tried to have faith. I have considered all of the options. I have tried each of them. I have nothing left to try.

Please, let this trial work out. PLEASE let me get the financial help which I so desperately need. I'm not asking because I am greedy. I am asking, because I am desperate. I need to feel safe. I need to BE safe. I need options, I need freedom, I need independence. I need to be able to say.."I don't HAVE to stand this." and be able to also say "And I have the means, in which to leave, to protect myself, to make myself happy".

This is my last glimmer of hope. This is a year and a half, of work. This is all that I need, to make me safe. And I need that safety, now more than ever.

I cannot go any lower, Lady. I cannot fall, any further. I'm at the end..mother. I'm on the ground, and i'm pleading with you... help me up.

You watched what happened this weekend, and every time before. You know the pain which I endure. You KNOW what he does to me. Please, give me this alternative. Please, give me this safety.

Let me get the help.... please. It will not be wasted. It will not be squandered. It will be used, to make me into what I know I CAN be, and SHOULD be. Into something I can be proud of. Into something which can truly serve you.

Mother, Hear my Prayer. Wise Father, help.

So Mote it Be.

[Danustouch]

Mother....

Once again, not the answer I was hoping for. Not the rescue I needed. But...I keep praying, because at this point, I simply don't know what else to do. Hope is the ONLY thing keeping me together at this point. The odd thing is, I don't even know exactly what it is I'm hoping for. A Change? A Way Out? I'm so confused.

These days, Mother, I feel like i'm literally "Fragmenting". Really. One moment, I'm caught up in the HOPE that things will change..and i'm allowing myself to continue on in the fantasy realm ..not consciously so...but..doing it just the same, merely by NOT tackling the problem. And the next, i'm planning my escape.

Mother..I KNOW that things are NOT right. In fact, they are hell. I KNOW this. I know he shouldn't do what he does. I know that he shouldn't say what he says. I know that this THING of his shouldn't be. And yet, as much as I hate him one moment for it, inside, i'm still crying out for him to love me.

I am so sick.

Somedays, I just want to be loaded up with thorazine.

At least now, I think i understand a little better what is going on. At least now, I KNOW that it is an actual mental illness. Diagnosed or not..I KNOW what is going on. Thank you for Scot. For his help and guidance. Thank you for the trial, even though I didn't get what I wanted to get, I still walked away with something. A false diagnosis, which prompted me to find a real one.

I'm so confused, on so many levels. The reason why this is scaring me so much, Mother, is I don't even know what the "Genuine" me is anymore. I know what John does is wrong, and yet, I wind up feeling as if there is something wrong with ME. I want to leave, but I beg him not to make me. One moment, I'm admitting to myself that I'm overly paranoid, and the next moment, I'm telling myself.."You're NOT paranoid." and I don't know WHAT to believe as far as that goes! One moment, i'm looking at things very realistically. Taking stock of my "problems" and saying.."I can't do this, because it's all part of my sick psychological pattern"..and the NEXT moment, I'm PRAYING for the chance to do that very thing!.

I'm coming apart at the seams mother. And I really just don't know what to do at this point, or how to get help. How far does this have to go, before I find help? I've lost my sanity... but..do I have to pose a danger to myself before I can get the help I need? Doesn't "Coming apart at the seams" count for ANYTHING?

Really mother, I'm walking around these days feeling like a ghost. I'm constantly second guessing myself. Am I sane, or not. One moment, I seem fine. I seem normal. The clearheaded, responsible person who I WANT to be. And the next, I'm off on some paranoid tangent. Or a complete mental breakdown.

And don't even get me started on.....well.....the other thing.

Mother..this is ANOTHER situation that I simply do not trust myself with. A month ago, I would have said.."heck yeah. let me at it". But now...i'm terrified. What is my motivation? Love, or neediness? I'm pretty darned convinced, that what I have with John is totally distorted by my codependency. That I am merely terrified of being alone, being rejected, or abandoned. But..what about THIS?

I'm scared. I'm scared of what *he* might ask of me, or advise me to do. I'm scared of saying no, because it might be closing the door forever, and yet, i'm also terrified of accepting. I once thought I wanted nothing more. But..now... if he does . ...I am terrified of what the implications are. If I say yes, am I doing so because it's genuine? Or am I doing it because I'm codependent, and borderline? If I say "No", would I be doing it because I realize that I CANT be dependent on him, or am I doing it because I'm scared of giving up my OTHER dependency? If I say yes, will the outcome be better? If I say no, will he shut the door forever?

Please mother...let *him* understand how incredibly screwed up I am. Let HIM be the sane, level one for once. Let him place no demands, and voice no requests. I want his friendship, I NEED his friendship, I need the soothing presence he brings to my life. I need the "feeling" he gives me of being so worthy. And yet, anything more.......i'm just too terrified of. I know, that after all that has gone on in my life the last three years, added into my preexisting mental state, if I TOOK anything more than just the friendship, it would wind up in ruins. He doesn't deserve my mistrust. He doesn't deserve my neediness, and dependency.
Part of me wants to say.."wait until i get my head screwed on straight", and the other part of me says "No..don't wait. Give it to me now, and help me through this".

Oh mother..I am SO confused. I am so messed UP! Help.....

Oh..but..before I forget...thank you for the phone call today.. thank you for his voice sounding so sweet today, so sure, so safe. Thank you for his reassuring presence..thank you for him never abandoning me.

[Danustouch]

The day approaches.
Please allow it to be pleasant, joyous, and fun.
Please allow me to make decisions which will lead me to a happier existance.
Please allow me clarity of mind on that day.
If he asks, mother, give me the answers.....

[Danustouch]

I Am....

Nervous
Angry
Depressed
Excited
A whirlwind of constantly conflicting emotions. None of them being content.

Goddess..... somehow, let there be a break in the clouds. Give me something to be content in......content with....... to hold onto. To believe in. To Know.

[Danustouch]

Help her make the right choice.

Help her find alternative ways of getting that which she needs.

Help her to see the situation with clarity, and self concern.

Give her the strength to say No.

So Mote it Be.

PS...mother..a byline prayer for myself..don't let this pain happen now.please. make it go away. Let me stay well until at least my visit home passes.

[Danustouch]

Once more I come to you mother, although I am disheartened, and my faith is challenged.

Today I ask...for courage.

Today, I ask for strength.

I ask also for health, cure this problem before it becomes severe. And allow me to enjoy my needed vacation to CT tomorrow.

[Danustouch]

Thanks for not letting that health problem spiral out of control. My vacation was good.

Thank you for allowing my father to return home after his heart attack, so quickly. And for the good recovery he is showing so far. Please, though Goddess, calm him down. He's being far too harsh on my mom and sister. Let him know that he needs to calm down, not only for them, but for himself. Heal whatever it is that causes him to be so angry....

Watch over him while I am away, Goddess. Please, let there be no emergency while I'm gone, and possibly unreachable.

Thank you for this opportunity! I haven't seen Alicia since long before I left CT. And I've missed her! I haven't attended a festival in sooooooo long! Please let this be the spiritual boost that I need. And if it's not too much to ask Goddess, let it be a prosperous trip, as well. Please let my crafts be well received. Let people like them, and perhaps buy them too. I need that little dose of confidence, not to mention, money.

And the Class...Goddess, this is what i'm worried about the most. Don't let me "Freeze Up" ! lol. You know how nervous I can get. Let the class be interesting, and informative to people, and give me the confidence so that I seem collected, confident of that which I speak, etc.

Keep my hands safe from infection...

Allow Her to enjoy Herself too...this being her first big event. Nurture our friendship, allow her to relax and have a lovely time, and let it be a very positive, happy experience for all.

Thank you again, for this opportunity. For John helping, for her being so willing, for Alicia providing part of the "way" for me to be there, and that i've managed despite all that has gone on, to be focused on this.

Bless you Goddess, and your Consort. Praise you for all the blessings you give.

So Mote it Be.

[Danustouch]

Okay Goddess...I'm soon to embark, and the weather report for the weekend looks grim. PLEASE let it clear up..just a bit..don't let it Tstorm...please?

and just allow the sun to burst through the clouds for a healthy part of this weekend.

I don't mind A little rain, during the weekend, on and off, but..ALL weekend?

Please Goddess..I need the sun to shine!

[Danustouch]

Thank you for this weekend Goddess. I so needed this break..this return to myself. To the things I used to do, and to the me I used to be. Thank you for the people I met, the friendships I made, and bonded, and the boost to my inner self. Thanks for watching over Dad. Thank you that he is recovering quickly...PLEASE let him just calm down a bit...to realize that he needs to take it easy, and not push himself, and not be so quick to get angry.

Help my mom cope with him.

Thank you for giving me exactly what I asked for with the weather. I asked that the weekend be nice, and sunny. I said EXACTLY in my prayer before I left that I wouldn't mind rain, ONCE over the weekend, but...that I really hoped it would be sunny for the majority of it. And that's exactly what I got. Of course, I didn't mention anything about humidity, or cold..so..that was my fault :) But it was so neat, to see this response to this prayer, that you gave me EXACTLY what I asked for in that respect.

Foster these friendships, and help them to grow.

Mother, right now, something is really bothering me. You know what and who, and ONLY you know why, I surely don't. Please let it go AWAY. I'm SOOOOOOOOOO sick of having to deal with this over, and over, and over again with this same .......well..... you know. I'm just at my whits end, and there is absolutely NOTHING I can do to get the monkey off my back. Complaints would do nothing, protests would do nothing, and it's really stripping me of one of my small joys in my daily life. I'm at the point now, where I'm actually just so fed up.... i'm ready to leave my home over it! (And NOT John, for once..just my "home") can you not let this issue just dissappear?

I'm trying not to give the situation more credit than is due, by resorting to a shielding/banishing/binding/reflection of the sort, because inside me, I really believe that I am "bigger" than this issue. That I am taking the high road in it, and that justice SHOULD prevail. But in this, it seems, it never DOES. And I know my own role in it, and I know that it's not a "karmic reward" or whatever for anything I've done, but for whatever reason, the perpetrator of these issues just never seems to go AWAY for long! And man..does it get under my skin!

So..please let that weight be lifted off my shoulders soon. I've had more than enough to deal with in the last couple of months, hell, the last year. I don't need this stressing me out on a daily basis, in my home, etc.

Let the wonderful events of this weekend, give me new hope, and new life, and be so full of continued blessings that it makes this situation tolerable, or better yet..laughable :)

[Danustouch]

Help John's Pirahna have a peaceful crossing this night. Mr. P is struggling, and we don't know how to end his suffering. Please let him pass soon, so that his pain is at an end.

Please let me have the patience to deal with a person who I do NOT like dealing with. Someone who draws chaos with her, into my existance. End it Goddess.

Thank you for Darren. For him making me laugh, for the things we have in common, and for his lover steve, another "great guy".

Thanks for the wonderful email that Alicia sent me today. Let this idea that she has had take wing.......

And, as usual these days..for my family..patience.

[Danustouch]

May my father receive good news from the doctor in his appointment tomorrow. Allow my fears to be proven false, and allow my fathers health to continue to improve each day.

Thank you that my burns are healing, but mother, those between my fingers are still so dry and swollen, and painful. A little added "quick healing" would be wonderful :)

Thank you for that phonecall. It was a little pickmeup that I needed. "Doesn't fit into the long range plan" keeps running over and over in my head...and i'm STILL wondering, just what IS his long range plan? As usual..i'm left with the feeling that he's kind of ..hiding something behind his back, and waiting for the perfect moment...to spring it on me. When will he ever learn, that the perfect moment, is RIGHT NOW! lol. Perhaps I need to learn this lesson too. Maybe that's part of the problem.

"She's too crazy..." And I'm Not? Wow. Sometimes, I really need to hear that. Why is he the only one in my life who never thinks i'm "too crazy" and never get's tired of me. The only one who really knows my entire heart and soul, and loves every bit of it?

And why did we have to miss our chances....and, even more..have we?

[Danustouch]

Thank you for the party that looks as if it's coming together Goddess. I am really hoping that D, S, L and I (wow..just realized how funny that looks) will be able to plan that spiritual study group we've been speaking of. I so need that interaction again. Real Life interaction, free of the BS. And with people who are on my wavelength. No ulterior motives, no power trips, no ego trips, just good down to earth folk. I need that again. And I really hope B is able to make it to the party too. That would be great. Four Affilliates back together again :)

Goddess....I'm so worried about my dad right now. The doctors Upped his dosage on one of the meds. Which to ME indicates that they didn't think it was working as it should have been in the first place. This isn't good. Then again, i'm also not sure if his stress level has just skyrocketed since the attack, because of all the emotional stuff that it's bringing with it, and the time off work, and such. In any case, it's very disturbing. I'm really worried. And I can't be there to help..and even if I was there, it wouldn't make things better. I keep wracking my brain, trying to come up with solutions for my family. But unfortunately, all the solutions that I see are ones which for one reason or another, won't be done.

Please Help my father learn a little bit of patience. Free up his stubborneness. He's so like a child in so many ways..always clinging to the familiar. And this isn't the time that he should be doing that. You'd think that he'd be grateful for this second chance...but he seems to be anything but. Not the best attitude and outlook...but then...I know how hard it must be to change so much, all at once.

I'm also worried about John's mother. She's really not doing well. Please give her a little energy to fight off whatever this is. Let the doctors find out what is causing this illness, and find a way to treat it.

Speaking of patience..I'm trying mother..but i'm reaching my threshhold with that other thing. It shouldn't even bother me, because the person really isn't a factor in my life, but it bothers me that this person seems to want to be, if only a destructive, chaotic factor :(

And..as far as things with John...i'm also so frustrated with that. I'm trying so hard to work with him. But, he makes it so close to impossible. I'm tired of playing tugowar with him. And yet I feel so trapped, that I continue to play the game. Please let me find a solution. A way out.........or something. Soon!