Need some help sorting through a problem

[Serpent]

It's been a long time since I've posted on this board, I've been through some life changes, some good and some not so good. But, the long and short of it has been good. Now, something has happened that I am having a hard time dealing with.

Adrian, I met her last year, and through our ups and downs we've endured. And she has a little boy, Hunter, from her previous marriage. He's a bright and happy little guy, and I care about him and his mother very very deeply. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for them. Right now though I don't see them often, seeing as I am finishing my undergraduate work in another state before moving closer to where she is for my graduate work (two birds with one stone as the saying goes). (she livesi n northern Kentucky, I currently am in northern Indiana, so it's a long trip one way to see one another. We both work and go to school, so our contact outside of phonecalls and Skype is limited) Now, I've come from a broken home, I know what it is to grow up without a father. I swore I'd never let Hunter grow up like that. On top of that I also swore to do the best I can to give Adrian a relationship built on love, respect and trust, that I would never lie to her or hurt her, and that I want her and hunter to be happy. That's all I want.

Now, with that backstory, on to the problem. Recently I've been introduced to her extended family. While she is an empath, and a very strong one at that, I'm a medium and so at times I'll start picking up all kinds of psychic feedback when I'm around her. It's like she's a magnifying lense for my binoculars. So, when I'm meeting her family and they seem all smiles and such, I'm picking up on all their energy, all their real intents. I could feel their unease, their apprehension crystal clear. I did what I could to just shield myself and not disturb the water, as contrary to Adrian her family are mundanes, conservative, blue collar folk. They don't fully know I'm kind of the opposite of them, but I could pick up that they suspected it...and worse. But I was polite and social, did my best to be a good host, passed the "kid is puking in the car, mommy is freaking out, got lost on a bad back street while going to major holiday event at the zoo and you have to remain calm, cool, collected, and keep the lady and the cub as calm as you can under extreme duress" test. I figured I had made a good impression that mr. anthropologist could handle himself in a shoddy situation.

PRoblem is though is now said family are talking about me to Adrian, about how I was supposedly trying to undermine her authority and telling hunter what to do and such. That is a gross exaggeration of a minor incident that happend (what it was was when Adrian told Hunter to do something, I'd just concur, trying to be supportive and try and put myself as a positive authority figure in Hunter's eyes). I wasn't being pushy about it and I stopped when Adrian said I didn't need to. But now they're empressing upon her that I'm no good because of that small thing, and her mother has been showing more and more of a serious dislike of me. Adrian is now feeling like she's put between a rock and a hard place, and I am feeling every last bit of her frustration and pain. She knows I'm a good guy, Hunter knows I'm a good guy, and I've done everything in my power to try and put forth a good impression.

Maybe some other intuitive person or reader can get a window into this situation, look into things. Maybe give me some sort of perspective on what the problem is. I have my suspicions, but I'd love a second or third opinion.

thanks for listening and the help

[daphnerose]

I'm sorry that the first meeting didn't turn out right. It is hard to meet the extended family sometimes. It almost sounds like family was dead set against you before you even met them. At least that is the feeling that I get. Does her mom have someone that she thinks Adrian should be with instead? That is what I am getting. I could be way off, just going with my gut. I hope things straighten out for you. It sounds like you really care alot about Adrian and Hunter.
Sorry the reply is so late. I have been unable to access mysticwicks for weeks.
Goodluck!
daphnerose

[Serpent]

I've noticed it more than once with her mother, it comes across pretty strongly in her actions though I am polite and don't bring it up because I know it would bring about five different kinds of fallout. Her father, well, I dunno. I don't get much of a read off of him. It kinda throws me off because I've been in the same room with him, and he's said not a real word to me, and I sit there wondering what do I say? This seems weird and I haven't done anything.

[daphnerose]

It could just be they are set against Adrian being with anyone. Who knows for sure. Its too bad. Its always hard to meet the family! It took me a lot of years before I had a decent relationship with my mother in law. Do you have to spend much time with them?

[Serpent]

I don't have to spend much, if any time with them. Problem is, 1.) They are Adrian's parents and I don't want to be in opposition to them, because they will make Adrian's life hell if they judge ANYTHING to be opposed to them, as anything opposed to them is a threat, and any sort of threat is a threat to Hunter and Hunter is higher on the totem pole than Adrian....or anybody else for that matter. 2.) She lives with her parents due to financial snaffus from the previous marriage, and it makes her very vulnerable to the feel guilties, and insecurity tripping they like to toss on her. It's a very tiring situation.

[)O( ~ Khara~ )O(]

Well, I hate to say it, but if your opinions that you stated here were obvious when you met them, they probably didn't like you. As well, I don't think you shouldn't be telling this woman's child what to do. He isn't your child. You should not be trying to put yourself in a position of authority over this child, he isn't yours.

If you were dating my daughter and I knew you thought you were better than us, had been telling my grandchild what to do and felt you were an authority figure for him, I probably wouldn't like you either.

Men attempting to tell my children what to or not to do has been the reason for many a break up in my life. They're mine.

[CaeruleusLady]

If she is living with her parents and dependant on them due to financial constraints, you are in for a very rough time if they don't like you. A lot of women will feel a deep sense of obligation and debt when their parents help them out after a failed relationship. It is very binding. She will listen to what they tell her. The only way I see for you to make a good impression on her family at this point, after having the first meeting go bad, would be to save them both and a kennel of cute puppies from a burning building. That being said, exactly just how long have you been dating Adrian? Do you plan on getting married and actually being a significant part of Hunter's life? Until you marry her and become his "Dad" nothing you say or do will be right to the family, and even after that, you will be on a long probationary period where you will hear about how you aren't his real dad all the time until you prove yourself, is my guess. She could also really help the situation by sticking up for you, but that probably wont happen while she's living with them. Have they heard y'all arguing on the phone or anything? Do you argue? Her parents will know. In fact, she's probably told them several things that would be considered bad about you. My husband's family all thought I was a the most evil person in the world when we got married. This was because we dated throughout high school and every time we broke up he'd rant to people about how terrible I was. He is quite prone to exaggeration when he feels passionately about something. Does she normally care if you "support" her when she tells Hunter something? My question is: was this party the first time she's told you that you don't have to do that? Because, if not, you need to stop. Also, since she told you not to do that, you need to stop anyway. The real question is, if you want to be an authority figure in his life, does she see you as a dad or as a male role-model who treats her nice, but not a father-figure since he already has a dad. My husband's mother had a bad habit of telling every man she married that they needed to stop trying to be his father since he already had a dad. Consequently, he didn't get along with any man in her life ever. I understand that you care for them both so it's difficult not to help out when it comes to Hunter, but right now, as previously stated by others, it's not your job. If you ever want it to be you have to prove yourself. Also, you should probably have a good long talk with Adrian about where she sees you in Hunter's life and her own and where you see yourself or would like to see yourself in theirs.

[Serpent]

Well, I hate to say it, but if your opinions that you stated here were obvious when you met them, they probably didn't like you. As well, I don't think you shouldn't be telling this woman's child what to do. He isn't your child. You should not be trying to put yourself in a position of authority over this child, he isn't yours.

If you were dating my daughter and I knew you thought you were better than us, had been telling my grandchild what to do and felt you were an authority figure for him, I probably wouldn't like you either.

Men attempting to tell my children what to or not to do has been the reason for many a break up in my life. They're mine.

I'm mildly confused as to what you're going off of. I never said I was better than them or any such thing. I said I was the opposite of them, and by that I mean I'm a liberal, college educated and practice a pagan faith, where as they are blue-collar, conservative, christian folks. I don't think less of them and I respect their views, I don't hold myself to be better than them.

And I want to build myself as a positive role-model in Hunter's eyes because 1.) His so called "father" is a morally repugnant fellow who did all manner of things to Adrian while he was married to her, used her, manipulated her, and left her and has shown no care or consideration for hunter in all of hunter's life. Because of his antics, it's left a serious distaste in the family for any man that comes into Adrian's life. 2.) Growing up, my mother divorced my father when I was really little, and brought a guy home. He did nothing, he barely interacted with us, kept out of the whole parenting role entirely, and really just was there for my mother more than anything. I didn't seem him as anyone to look up to, or listen to, or care about. I want to try my level best to avoid that with Hunter, so he doesn't see me as just "some guy mommy brought home", as that relationship does not go to anyplace good. Now, on the matter of where She and I stand in the relationship, I've kept to the idea of wanting our relationship to be serious and long-term, with a very strong possibility of marriage in the future (not right now, I'm not about to rush anything). She wants the same thing, she's told me that her and hunter are a package deal and I've been a-okay with that. I'm there for both them, no matter what. I'm not trying to be overbearing at all, just be supportive and let Adrian run the show. And at thanksgiving was the first time I was gently told that I didn't need to be so verbally supportive because it looked like I might have been trying to overstep when I wasn't meaning to. And that was all, a very brief minor instance, I listened, nodded my head and things were fine, no fuss no muss.

[CaeruleusLady]

All of us were speaking from our experiences to share with you and give you another perspective like you asked. You're young. It's easy to say that her family is going overboard and judge them for it. I don't know any family that wouldn't go to great lengths to protect their loved ones from things they view as threats. There's really no defense from her family except for her to speak up to them(which isn't really an option), move out(also, currently not an option from what you've said), and/or simply give it time. And even all those things still might not change anything. I don't think there's a proven method for dealing with in-laws, though I bet you can find a ton of useless books on it. Plus, if her ex is that bad, can you really blame them for being overly concerned?

[)O( ~ Khara~ )O(]

Now, with that backstory, on to the problem. Recently I've been introduced to her extended family. While she is an empath, and a very strong one at that, I'm a medium and so at times I'll start picking up all kinds of psychic feedback when I'm around her. It's like she's a magnifying lense for my binoculars. So, when I'm meeting her family and they seem all smiles and such, I'm picking up on all their energy, all their real intents. I could feel their unease, their apprehension crystal clear. I did what I could to just shield myself and not disturb the water, as contrary to Adrian her family are mundanes, conservative, blue collar folk. They don't fully know I'm kind of the opposite of them, but I could pick up that they suspected it...and worse. But I was polite and social, did my best to be a good host, passed the "kid is puking in the car, mommy is freaking out, got lost on a bad back street while going to major holiday event at the zoo and you have to remain calm, cool, collected, and keep the lady and the cub as calm as you can under extreme duress" test. I figured I had made a good impression that mr. anthropologist could handle himself in a shoddy situation.

PRoblem is though is now said family are talking about me to Adrian, about how I was supposedly trying to undermine her authority and telling hunter what to do and such. That is a gross exaggeration of a minor incident that happend (what it was was when Adrian told Hunter to do something, I'd just concur, trying to be supportive and try and put myself as a positive authority figure in Hunter's eyes). I wasn't being pushy about it and I stopped when Adrian said I didn't need to. But now they're empressing upon her that I'm no good because of that small thing, and her mother has been showing more and more of a serious dislike of me. Adrian is now feeling like she's put between a rock and a hard place, and I am feeling every last bit of her frustration and pain. She knows I'm a good guy, Hunter knows I'm a good guy, and I've done everything in my power to try and put forth a good impression.

Maybe some other intuitive person or reader can get a window into this situation, look into things. Maybe give me some sort of perspective on what the problem is. I have my suspicions, but I'd love a second or third opinion.

thanks for listening and the help


Well, I hate to say it, but if your opinions that you stated here were obvious when you met them, they probably didn't like you. As well, I don't think you shouldn't be telling this woman's child what to do. He isn't your child. You should not be trying to put yourself in a position of authority over this child, he isn't yours.

If you were dating my daughter and I knew you thought you were better than us, had been telling my grandchild what to do and felt you were an authority figure for him, I probably wouldn't like you either.

Men attempting to tell my children what to or not to do has been the reason for many a break up in my life. They're mine.


I'm mildly confused as to what you're going off of. I never said I was better than them or any such thing. I said I was the opposite of them, and by that I mean I'm a liberal, college educated and practice a pagan faith, where as they are blue-collar, conservative, christian folks. I don't think less of them and I respect their views, I don't hold myself to be better than them.

And I want to build myself as a positive role-model in Hunter's eyes because 1.) His so called "father" is a morally repugnant fellow who did all manner of things to Adrian while he was married to her, used her, manipulated her, and left her and has shown no care or consideration for hunter in all of hunter's life. Because of his antics, it's left a serious distaste in the family for any man that comes into Adrian's life. 2.) Growing up, my mother divorced my father when I was really little, and brought a guy home. He did nothing, he barely interacted with us, kept out of the whole parenting role entirely, and really just was there for my mother more than anything. I didn't seem him as anyone to look up to, or listen to, or care about. I want to try my level best to avoid that with Hunter, so he doesn't see me as just "some guy mommy brought home", as that relationship does not go to anyplace good. Now, on the matter of where She and I stand in the relationship, I've kept to the idea of wanting our relationship to be serious and long-term, with a very strong possibility of marriage in the future (not right now, I'm not about to rush anything). She wants the same thing, she's told me that her and hunter are a package deal and I've been a-okay with that. I'm there for both them, no matter what. I'm not trying to be overbearing at all, just be supportive and let Adrian run the show. And at thanksgiving was the first time I was gently told that I didn't need to be so verbally supportive because it looked like I might have been trying to overstep when I wasn't meaning to. And that was all, a very brief minor instance, I listened, nodded my head and things were fine, no fuss no muss.


I bolded what you REALLY said and I’m sorry that is quite condescending and not what you said above at all. I also wanted to bring the “kid is puking” line to your attention. Were you that snarky at the time? As well, again, you have not been with this woman long enough to have ANY SAY in her child. NONE.

Do not project your bad experiences with your mother’s boyfriends into needs this child DOES NOT HAVE. He lives with his mother and grandparents who are perfectly capable, aside from their “blue collar mundane lives” of being a good influence and positive role models for this boy.

You were put into your place and your nose is all out of joint thinking you are being done wrong, when in fact, you are the one who is pushing yourself onto this child and into these people’s lives a lot more than they are comfortable with.

I think you need to step back, relook at the situation without judging anyone’s background and review just how the whole thing went down. Because honestly from what you have written, again, I wouldn’t want you ANYWHERE near my daughter or grandchild. You may not realize that your opinions were obvious to these people, but I am thinking despite their being “mundane” they saw you for a snot nosed know-it-all kid with a holier than thou attitude trying to take over. If you fight her parents you will never ever have a good relationship with her. If you ruin her relationship with her parents, it will eventually destroy your relationship with her.

Stop thinking you can “read people’s feelings and thoughts”. It is highly doubtful you can. Just be nice and polite to these people and do not overstep your bounds. You may be able to win them over, but I think you will have a hard time getting past you thinking you are better than they are. And please, don’t say you don’t, what you’ve written says otherwise.

[Serpent]

Ma'am, you are really taking what I said way out of context and are being rather rude about it. I don't appreciate that. But thank you for your advice, I appreciate it.

I appreciate all the advice I've been given in this thread. It gives me something to think about.

[)O( ~ Khara~ )O(]

Ma'am, you are really taking what I said way out of context and are being rather rude about it. I don't appreciate that. But thank you for your advice, I appreciate it.

I appreciate all the advice I've been given in this thread. It gives me something to think about.

I'm sorry, if you would prefer that I sugar coat it and make it all pretty and nice for you I can, but I seriously doubt it will be of any help. As I prefer total honesty, I try to give the same.

As a parent of three, a single mother who at one point lived with her parents, I can see multiple sides to this. There were a few things I picked up on in your posts that I know I would find highly insulting. If those are your true feelings, and we must presume they are since you wrote them, then it is more than likely that those feelings were obvious to this girl's family. YOU may not have realized it at the time, but hindsight is always 20/20.

So I apologize if I hurt your feelings and if my honesty with you was rude. If you only want people to pat you on the back and tell you how wonderful you are for dating a single mom, taking on her child as your own and how terrible her parents are for not liking you, then maybe you should just say so at the start. I was under the presumption that you wanted our honest opinions.

[Twinkle]

I'm not really understanding where the empath and reading people thing really comes into play with personal dynamics. What you perceive may be false, and basing a relationship with people on what you perceive to be true rather than what *is* true - has gotten you in the pickle you are in right now.

First off, I understand wanting to be a positive influence in a child's life - but this is *not* your child. As a single mother myself, any man that tried to push his ways on to my raising of my child will get the boot. My family would also give him a big attitude.

Secondly - I've read back through this thread many a time - and quite frankly, you're coming off like a condescending asshole. If you are not a condescending asshole, then I suggest you reevaluate what you say and how you say it. If you are a condescending asshole, then you deserve the family's dislike and the disintegration of your relationship with both your girlfriend and her child.