Charge of The Phone Goddess

[Dria El]

Listen to the words of the Phone Goddess, who in days of old was called Mama Cass, Ma Barker, Moms Mabley, the last of the Red Hot Mamas, and by many other names not mentionable in mixed company. Whenever you have need to make a call, preferably long distance, and better it be when the rates are high, then shall ye assemble your funds in some convenient place to pay me, who am Queen of all Highway Robbery. These ye shall assemble, ye who are fain to bankruptcy yet have not sent me all your earnings. To these shall I send bills as are yet unheard of. Ye shall be free from bank accounts, as as a sign that ye be truly free ye shall be naked from my rates. And ye shall sing, talk, shout, trade gossip and love, all at your own expense. Let your fingers do the walking through my yellow pages. Let none stop you or turn you aside, just call information. For mine is the dial tone that opens upon the busy signal of life, which is the princess phone of immorality. Mine is the poverty of the masses, and call now, pay later. For my law is profit before people. Today I give knowlege of facts you do not wish to have, and tommorrow calls that will sell you things you do not wish to own. For behold, I demand everything in sacrifice. I am the next best thing to being there, and my bills are sent out upon the earth. (- Magenta G. and Steve P-C, 1982)

[Mairwen]

The Kvetch of the Goddess

Come, kinderlech, come, nosh a bissel, sit and listen to your Mama, She Who Knows Best--what do you mean, why do I know best? Because I'm you're mother, that's why! Now sit and listen, after all the aggravation I've had with you! Oy! But you're a good kid, so I don't mind all the tsoris. Of course, it would help if you were going to school for a real degree ...

Oy, what was I going to say? You made me lose track. Oh yes...Sit and listen to your Mama, who has been known by many names, oy, so many names, if I sat here and listed them all, we'd be here all day, so I won't bother you; after all, why should a mother ever bother her children?

Now, whenever you have need of anything, and of course even if you don't need anything, you can always call me. It's not that hard to pick up a telephone, is it? But you do, so I don't complain. But at least once a month, is that so much to ask? And do it at the full moon, that's best; that way there's light, and you won't kill yourself wandering out in those woods, God forbid. So get together, have a cup of tea and some cookies, so you won't be hungry, first, and then meet in some place people won't see you and the mishegoss you do, and realize you really are meshuggeneh, and adore the spirit of Me, She Who Really Does Know Best. I will not have my children be slaves--you will be free, whether you want to or not, because if you really loved me, you would do it--and as a sign of this--what, you really think I would tell you to get undressed? Fine Mother I would be, to tell you, go get pneumonia in the woods! Stupid idea, to be freezing cold in the middle of nowhere, without a stitch of clothing on! And I didn't raise my children to be idiots! No, what you should do is, get out the charge cards, that's what they're there for, and get some clothes you won't be ashamed of, something that's newer than the yard sale from two years ago. You're a bigshot, you can afford it--and of course if you see something that might fit me, it wouldn't hurt to get it, I can always return it if I don't like it.

And while I'm thinking of it, you really need a new haircut. I don't
mean to criticize, but how many decades have you been wearing that style? Is it two or three? Now where was I? Oh yes, you're meeting in some verkuckte God forsaken place no one has heard and you have to spend an hour trying to find the right street to turn onto, and when you get there you still aren't sure if this is the right place because everyone else is even more verblondjet than you are, and won't show up for another hour anyway. But you get there, you're patient, you learned it from me, I admit, and when you are all together you have a nosh, you sing, you have a nosh, you dance--not these strange newfangled dances with that trashy music, but good music, like we had when I was your
age--you have a nosh, you meet a nice person and do what you want, but I don't want to know about it; just be careful, I don't need a grandchild that badly--well I do, come to think of it, you're not getting any younger you know, and when are you going to meet someone, please ?!

And whatever you do, don't do anything that people will talk about; you know those nosy neighbors. And don't worry about me, I'll be home waiting up for you; stay as late as you want, I'll be okay by myself. Just have fun, and make your spirit ecstatic as they say, be joyful of the earth, and I'll be fine. It will give me a chance to read that Danielle Steele book I've had by my bed for the last year. I don't need to go out and have fun; I'm not a spring chicken anymore, after all. Which reminds me, the doctor says I need to watch my cholesterol. Do you know any good diet books?

What do you mean, how should you act at these silly things? Just love everybody and everything: that's what your Mother wants you to do; after all, that's the secret to staying young and living forever. And believe me, sometimes it's really does seem like it's been forever. My arthritis is killing me! That Cauldron Ceridwen gave me must be losing its oomph, you know, the one that he gave me for my birthday a couple of years ago, the one I use to drink wine from? You suppose maybe it's from when I put
in the dishwasher?

So listen to your Mother, She Who Knows Best: I know everything, that's why I'm your mother, and I can still spank you if I wanted to. But I wouldn't want to hurt my precious baby. I give the knowledge of how to make good knaidlech, and what to put in the cholent, and beyond death I give peace and freedom and reunion with those who have gone before--yecch, how morbid! Who wrote this mishegoss? Eugene O'Neill? No,
if you want that you have to please your mother. I don't ask for
anything, or at least, I don't ask for much; after all I know you love me, even if you do give me all that aggravation.

Just a little peace and quiet is all I ask from you, and maybe you can settle down finally and give me a grandchild? I'm not getting any younger, you know. I would like to see a grandchild before I move to Sun City or Century Village. Is that too much for your mother to ask? No?

(RainCrone)

[Mairwen]

The Charge of the Credit Card Goddess

Listen to the words of the Great Mall Mother, who of old was called Bargain Basement Shopper, Flea Market Browser, and The Half-Off Sale Spotter:

"Whenever you have need of anything, or simply have an urge to spend money, once a month, or more often if your credit limit permits, and better it be when your charge card isn't overextended, you shall assemble in a huge place called The Mall, to adore the Spirit of Spending, AKA The Great Mall Mother. You shall be free to charge as much as you want, and as a sign that you be free, you shall have MasterCard, Visa, American Express, Sears, and J.C.Penney cards at your fingertips. Charge again CD's, charge herbs, candles, and Tarot cards, charge chocolate, charge anything that shall bring you ecstasy of the spirit and make your life more joyous on earth. For my law is CHARGE EVERYTHING!

The charge card is the secret that opens the doors of all the shops in the mall. The Cauldron of redit is the Holy Grail of unlimited spending and high finance charges. It gives knowledge of eternal debt in exchange for the freedom to buy what you want even when you can't afford it. It brings reunion with all your friends and neighbors who've also come unto the mall to use their plastic. Nor do I demand aught of sacrifice, except that you shall deposit your entire paycheck in the bank to cover your credit card bills, for behold, I am the bringer of all material things, and my account number, expiration date, and credit limit are poured out to all who apply and are found to qualify.

[Dria El]

LOL! Those are great! Thanks for sharing! *saved*

[Earth Walker]

Credit Card Goddess? I know her....Hey, Ariel.

I think she must have been in the Cavalry in a past life.......

.........Chaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrge! hehehe 8O

[Mairwen]

LMAO! You're too much! 8O

[Rævyn Cigány]

ROFLMAO!!!!

These are hilarious you guys...wherever did you find them all?!!!

8O 8O 8O 8O 8O 8O 8O 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80

BB

Rae )0(

[Rævyn Cigány]

awwww!!! those were all supposed to be laughing faces!!!!


grrrrrrr :bad:

BB

Rae )0(

[Dria El]

You can try to edit it... might fix it... <shrugs> give it a shot.

[loopy]

Love all these; thanks for sharing! :) I think the Credit Card Goddess might be my matron. :)

Raevyn-- looks like you just put a zero 'stead of an O. :)