Did I do the right thing?

[Athena-Nadine]

Sorry, this is going to be really long. Please, just bear with me because this kept me up all night last night.

So Mark has this “friend” Rob. I’ve only met him a few times, and I didn’t like him from Day One. He’s loud, annoying, obnoxious, and arrogant, and a ridiculous flirt. Now, I can deal with his annoying personality. I can even deal with the annoying flirting to an extent.

Initially, I figured he was just a jerk who spoke to every woman around him like that. And he did—at first. But after maybe the second time he was out with all of us, I noticed that he had begun only blatantly flirting with me.

Now, to be fair, I am a flirt. But, it is always just in fun, and there are lines I do not and will not cross now that I am in a relationship with Mark. There is never any question that it can be construed as anything but innocent, meaningless, and harmless. Mark is aware of this, as we are both the same way, and it is not a problem. *…shrugs…*

Anyway, a few weeks ago, Mark and I were out with a bunch of our friends, and Rob came out. Everything was fine for most of the night—but then, I spent most of that night outside the bar with one of my girlfriends because she was upset. When she and I went back into the bar, I went to play pool with everyone. At some point, as will happen, Rob and I ended up playing pool against each other. Mark was standing with his best friend just out of immediate earshot. Now, I had been making a point to stay as far away from Rob as possible, because his flirting was so blatant that I was starting to feel it inappropriate. However, at the time, I had the run of the table, it was Rob’s turn, and Mark was standing close enough that I didn’t think I needed to worry about anything. *…sighs…* During the game, Rob starting joking around, and then started going on and on about how pretty I am, and how lucky Mark is. Fine. No problem, right? It wouldn’t have been if he hadn’t proceeded to tell me how he wishes he could sleep with me, with Mark, his friend, maybe fifteen feet away. The entire thing made me very uncomfortable, to say the least.

That was the last time I saw Rob, until he came out again Friday night. Now, I hadn’t said anything to Mark about what happened the previous time Rob was around. It made me uncomfortable, yes, but I just kept telling myself that it’s just the way he is, it didn’t mean anything, it wasn’t a big deal, etc. And until Friday night, I had almost managed to convince myself of that. I had almost managed to convince myself that none of it bothered me. Until he walked in and I got nauseous just looking at him. I spent the entire night Friday staying as far from Rob as possible, which meant staying away from Mark as well. And again, Rob behaved himself for most of the night, except that he would constantly make comments to me every time it was my shot, when he would ignore everyone else. And then Mark went to the front of the bar to play video games with my brother and I was left alone with Rob again, except for one of Rob’s friends whom I didn’t know. And he spent the next few minutes making comments about how cute I am, how sexy I am, how lucky Mark is, how he wishes he could be so lucky, ad nauseum. I walked away soon after he started this.

Last night, while Mark and I were out, mark made a joke about how every time we go out, almost every man in proximity to me stares at me. So I told him that that is the reason he always knows where I’m going when I walk away—that he always knows if I am going to the bar, to the ladies room, whatever. Because if I’m not back in a reasonable amount of time for wherever I’m going, I expect either Mark, or one of his friends, to come find me just in case. And that turned into an entire discussion about men hitting in me (which, to my everlasting aggravation, happens almost every time I walk out of the house). I started getting upset, and Mark started getting upset because I was upset about it.

After we got home last night, I told him about Rob. It was about 11:30 or so, and as I knew he would, he got all pissed off, and decided he was going to call Rob then and there. Which is exactly the reason I didn’t say anything in the first place.

*…sighs…*

So now I feel horrible. I can’t seem to stop feeling guilty that Mark is so angry with Rob now. And I can’t stop feeling that somehow, it’s my fault. I keep wondering if I overreacted, if I misinterpreted things, if I blew the entire thing out of proportion due to my past experiences. And I don’t want to deal with the confrontation that’s probably going to ensue because of this. I know Mark’s going to talk to him. There’s nothing I can do about that now. And it’s very likely that Rob will end up apologizing to me the next time he sees me. But I don’t want any of it. I don’t want him to apologize to me. I don’t want to hear another thing about it. An apology would make me just as uncomfortable, if not more so, than his previous behavior. I just want it to go away. But aside from my own personal discomfort, Mark is livid with one of his friends, and I can’t help feeling guilty about it. I can’t help but feel as if I’ve come between him and one of his friends. Granted, if Rob is going to behave this way toward me, he’s not much of a friend to Mark anyway, but I don’t want to be the reason they have issues with each other.

So now I’m sitting her at work, wishing I had kept my mouth shut and not said anything to Mark at all, because now I feel like the horrible person. Maybe it really wasn’t the big deal I made it out to be? Maybe I said or did something to make Rob think he could speak to me that way?

*...sighs...* Maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. I'm more stressed out about it now than I was before.

[Lanna]

ok well heres my thoughts on it, none of it is your fault, Rob should have kept his opinions to himself, its not the 'done' thing to tell your friends girlfriend that you want to sleeep with them. Anyway you gave him the benfit of the doubt and the next time you met up with him, he continued his stupid behaviour. You obviously didn't tell mark to cause trouble, otherwise you would have told him first time round, right?

And ok so mark is livid with his mate, but is he really a mate if he can say those things to you???

So you dont want a big deal made out of it, tell Mark this, tell him you can't deal with it being made into a big issue and if he still feels the need to say something to Rob, to do it privately and so that it doesn't rebound on you!!

The way i see it is this, if it made you feel uncomfortable, it was crossing the line so to speak, you tried to deal with it alone, you couldn't, so you told your boyfriend, isn't that how relationships work??? yoour not to blame, stop feeling guilty and smile, its a nice day! :)

[WitchJezebel]

Nallia - If Rob's behavior made you uncomfortable, why should you feel guilty? Those kinds of feelings aren't right or wrong they just are. It doesn't sound to me like just innocent flirting by what you've posted so I don't see why you wouldn't have told Mark. And honestly??? If Rob was so blatant as to say these things with Mark so close by, how long do you think it would have been before he possibly touched you??? These situations have a tendency to escalate to horrid levels. Better to put the cards on the table and save some aggravation now then have it explode into something else later. And frankly, Rob isn't a very good friend to Mark if this is how he carries on. Sorry if I sound so blunt, but that kind of stuff makes me so mad!

[MoonDust]

First off there’s nothing you should feel guilty about. The guys a jerk plain and simple (I was going to say worse, but I’m keeping it PG) But yeah he’s a jerk. You’re just keeping your space and defending yourself. And GOOD for you. If it were me that guy would’ve been on the floor the second he suggested wanting to sleep with me when you’re his “friend’s” girlfriend.
Honestly I wouldn’t consider this guy Mark’s friend. What kind of a friend tries to sleep with a girlfriend.
Don’t feel bad for defending yourself.

[Night_Goddess]

Nallia, as an attractive young woman, who gets hit on, you did nothing wrong. Expect an apology from Rob, quietly say that you accept, and let it go. 20+ years ago, I felt guilty and strange that guys would hit on me w/in earshot of my significant other. If I were 'alone' (out of hearing range) w/ someone and he said anything that made me feel uncomfortable, I said so.
Rob sounds like a dick. To be fair to you, though, for Mark to leave you 'unattended' in a venue where folks are drinking (meaning that men get a bit more aggressive w/alcohol) is just stupid. Live and learn. Ask Mark if he can please remain w/in 'vigilance' range when you go out, so he can nip any unwanted advances early. Mark is angry that he didn't protect you, and his anger is guilt-driven. He is well aware of how it wouldn't have happened if he'd been more attentive....so let him take the initiative to be more protective of you. Just my 2 cents.
Enjoy your youth and beauty!

[Ben Trismegistus]

A Man's Point of View:

OK Nallia, here goes:

1. You did the right thing. HOWEVER, speaking from experience, if you're going to bring up a potentially incendiary subject, don't do it at 11:30 at night. My wife does the same thing -- she simmers about something until she can't stand it anymore, and then she bursts out with it right when I'm trying to go to bed. So I can't think about it objectively because I'm tired and just want to go to sleep. Don't be afraid to talk about something that's bothering you - that's what your partner is for. But try dinner time instead of bed time.

2. Don't feel guilty that Mark is mad at Rob. He has every right to be mad at Rob. Coming on to a friend's wife is a MAJOR no-no. I would be just as pissed in his case. And really, since Rob is Mark's friend and not yours, it's Mark's problem to deal with. And he'll have to deal with it in his own way. Also, if you hadn't told him, and he'd found out some other way (which he would have), he would be mad at YOU as well as at Rob.

So, put it out of your mind.

[Ben Trismegistus]

To be fair to you, though, for Mark to leave you 'unattended' in a venue where folks are drinking (meaning that men get a bit more aggressive w/alcohol) is just stupid. Live and learn. Ask Mark if he can please remain w/in 'vigilance' range when you go out, so he can nip any unwanted advances early.

Oh now that's just ridiculous. Is Nallia some sort of porcelain doll who needs to be looked after at all times? It's not Mark's job to constantly protect her from the unwanted advances of other men.

Nallia's perfectly capable of taking care of herself. If was just a stranger hitting on her, it wouldn't be an issue - I'm sure Nallia would just rebuff him and it would be over. The issue in this case is that the perpetrator is a friend of Mark's -- he could've hit on Nallia anywhere - it just happened to be at a bar.

[Athena-Nadine]

OK. It's not Rob's behavior that made me fel bad. *...sighs...* How do I explain this? Obviously he's not a real friend, or he wouldn't have done this in the first place. I just wish whatever issues he and Mark have within their "friendship" didn't have to have anything to do with me, directly or indirectly.

*...smiles...* Ben, I hear you about talking about things like this late at night. I don't normally do that. We weren't going to sleep yet. It came up when it did because it was a continuation of a conversation we started earlier while we were out, and it wasn't the time or the place for it then. Mark brought the conversation back up when we got home.

And yes, I realize he is upset with himself more than anything else. After all was said and done, what he said to me was, "The thing that hurts my feelings is that I promised you I wouldn't let anything bad happen to you in my presence, and you let it." And no, he wasn't angry with me for not saying anything before now. He was afraid he somehow lost my trust--that I didn't trust him enough to tell him in the first place. Ultimately, while we got all of that straightened out, and it's no longer an issue, I think that's what has me feeling the worst about the whole thing.

[Athena-Nadine]

Oh now that's just ridiculous. Is Nallia some sort of porcelain doll who needs to be looked after at all times? It's not Mark's job to constantly protect her from the unwanted advances of other men.

Nallia's perfectly capable of taking care of herself. If was just a stranger hitting on her, it wouldn't be an issue - I'm sure Nallia would just rebuff him and it would be over. The issue in this case is that the perpetrator is a friend of Mark's -- he could've hit on Nallia anywhere - it just happened to be at a bar.

Thank you. I was just about to say much the same thing. As I've already said to someone today, I am 30 years old. I do not, and should not, need to cling to Mark in order to be left in peace anywhere--never mind this particular bar. We know almost every single person in there. I am safer in that bar than I am anywhere else, and just as safe as I am in my own house (probably more so if I'm alone in my house).

[Rain Gnosis]

Ok, maybe I'm a little slow or misunderstanding.. but having been in this situation before I simply flat out told the man they made me uncomfortable when they did. In one case, the guy was shocked I was uncomfortable, not realizing even though I was flirting he'd gone too far, and obviously stopped. In another case the guy probably knew he took it too far, but when I told him that I was uncomfortable he stopped (and his name coincidentally was Rob too :lol: ).

Why didn't you just tell Rob to back off?

[Ben Trismegistus]

And yes, I realize he is upset with himself more than anything else. After all was said and done, what he said to me was, "The thing that hurts my feelings is that I promised you I wouldn't let anything bad happen to you in my presence, and you let it." And no, he wasn't angry with me for not saying anything before now. He was afraid he somehow lost my trust--that I didn't trust him enough to tell him in the first place. Ultimately, while we got all of that straightened out, and it's no longer an issue, I think that's what has me feeling the worst about the whole thing.

With all-due respect, I think that's a load of macho hooey. You're a big girl - he's neither required nor able to protect you from bad things happening to you at all times. The issue is simply that the guy who was hitting on you is a friend of Mark's, and therefore it's Mark's responsibility to deal with it. If he was your friend and not Mark's, it would be your responsibility. It shouldn't be an issue of a failure on Mark's part to protect you from big, bad Rob.

[Athena-Nadine]

Ok, maybe I'm a little slow or misunderstanding.. but having been in this situation before I simply flat out told the man they made me uncomfortable when they did. In one case, the guy was shocked I was uncomfortable, not realizing even though I was flirting he'd gone too far, and obviously stopped. In another case the guy probably knew he took it too far, but when I told him that I was uncomfortable he stopped (and his name coincidentally was Rob too :lol: ).

Why didn't you just tell Rob to back off?

Actually, I did tell him that his behavior was inappropriate and unwanted when he first made the remark about sleeping with me. His response was something like, "I'm only kidding." This is why I didn't say anything to Mark in the first place. I dropped it. And since I didn't see him again for a few weeks after that, I didn't think about it again. I would have just let it go completely if he hadn't behaved the way he did Friday night.

[Rain Gnosis]

I'm gonna agree with the macho hooey bit.

In my case, it's wonderful that my fiance could stomp anyone who upset me, but he shouldn't ever need to. I'd simply say 'you know, you're making me uncomfortable, so please stop alright?'.

And if they didn't then I'd knee them in the junk. :lol:

[Athena-Nadine]

With all-due respect, I think that's a load of macho hooey. You're a big girl - he's neither required nor able to protect you from bad things happening to you at all times. The issue is simply that the guy who was hitting on you is a friend of Mark's, and therefore it's Mark's responsibility to deal with it. If he was your friend and not Mark's, it would be your responsibility. It shouldn't be an issue of a failure on Mark's part to protect you from big, bad Rob.

*...laughs...* And that's pretty much what I said.

That remark of his actually has its basis in something else. He first said that in a completely different context, due to previous things I've been through. He knows he can't protect me from everything. He's actually not overprotective, he doesn't wander around looking for things to try and get me, and he doesn't doubt that I can handle myself. He doesn't need nor expect me to tell him every time some idiot says something to me the wrong way. He knows I'll usually just take care of it. He only asks that I say something when I think I need to, if I think I can't hande it on my own. And this is the first time I've needed to do so.

Really, I think the fact that it was one of his "friends" made him feel somewhat guilty about it because he didn't see it. *...shrugs...* That's his own issue to deal with.

[Athena-Nadine]

I'm gonna agree with the macho hooey bit.

In my case, it's wonderful that my fiance could stomp anyone who upset me, but he shouldn't ever need to. I'd simply say 'you know, you're making me uncomfortable, so please stop alright?'.

And if they didn't then I'd knee them in the junk. :lol:

Yes, well, unless someone puts their hands on me I don't hit.

[Semele]

You didn't do anything wrong! Lose the guilt. The problem between the two of them is exactly that..between them. If One of my friends was hitting on my husband, that would be something I would deal with, one on one with the "friend" I'm sorry, there are some lines that you just don't cross.

[Ben Trismegistus]

Really, I think the fact that it was one of his "friends" made him feel somewhat guilty about it because he didn't see it. *...shrugs...* That's his own issue to deal with.

That's understandable. I'd probably feel the same way. And yes, that's his issue.

Therefore, there's no need for you to feel guilty about it.

[Semele]

Yes, well, unless someone puts their hands on me I don't hit.
You shouldn't have to hit.

[AstraSkye]

If I was Mark, I would've wanted to know, so you did the right thing telling him. Also, if I was Mark, I wouldn't consider this jerk Rob a friend...

Whatever he gets, he has brought onto himself. Lose the guilt. What you did was good. Keep putting your foot down and demand respect, because you deserve it. And joke or not, you don't have to accept such behaviour from anyone.

[Danustouch]

I recently had a similar situation with John and his friend. His friend wasn't coming on to me, but what he WAS doing was being obnoxiously cheuvenistic, and blatantly rude to me. First it was snide comments to the effect of "ball and chain", "keeping john on a leash" etc. And how I must be "Giving him something really good, to keep him in line..". Then, he started talking about all their ex girlfriends, in a VERY graphic manner. He was speaking incredibly obscenely in front of me. Talking about women as if they are dogs. In short, saying things that I have always been taught should not be mentioned in the presence of a "lady". I don't even want to go into detail, but, to say the least, describing womens bodies, talking about ladies he's been with that "should have had bags over their heads" talking about women who were only good for ONE thing, blah blah blah. Only far more detailed, and graphic, and obscene. I've always been taught that a man NEVER speaks this way in front of a woman. Least of all, a woman he's just met. Least of all, the wife of his friend. I tried to hold my tongue for most of the evening. I felt incredibly insulted, the entire evening. But, I finally turned to John, and said.."Okay, I've had enough of being around this Pig, I'm going down to the bar". And I did. John never said a word to his friend, in reproach, which made me even MORE angry. John, in my opinion, should have said.."Hey, Ernie, cut it out, okay?" when he saw how upset I was getting, or perhaps even BEFORE I got so upset.

Now that John knows how upset I was that night, he's said he'll never invite Ernie over again. He agree's that Ernie was being a pig. And disrespecting me in my own home. He still hasn't confronted Ernie on it, but he has promised not to have him here again, and promised that if we ever do meet up with Ernie again, John will monitor the talk more closely, and tell Ernie to shut up if he gets out of line.

I think that I did my part, by expressing my anger, and I can only hope that in the future, John will do his part, by not allowing this guy to insult me, and to be so disgusting in my presence.

The point is Nallia, you spoke up. And that is the right thing to do.

[~ Monk ~]

My girlfriend gets hit on quite a bit, especially at work. Now I can totally understand a guy asking her out if he doesn't realize she's dating me. I've been that same guy in the past. But there are a number of guys who, even after finding out she's dating me - even after meeting me - have continued to pursue her. One guy was relentless for well over a year - sending her emails asking her to name stuffed animals he bought (don't ask me, maybe he thought he'd seem sensitive), telling her he'd take her out to buy a new computer when she needed one, letting her know how much money he was making. I looked this :bastard: in the eye and shook his hand once, and he still kept doing it. The only thing that kept me from confronting him was my girlfriend's concern that it would cause problems for her at work. So I backed off.

You did nothing wrong. Harmless flirting is fine, but there's definitely a line that shouldn't be crossed, whether it's backing off of someone when you know they're with someone or knowing how far to take flirting. Some people just don't get it.

[Pesha]

You did nothing wrong honey. You have a right to expect to be respected by anyone, especially your mans friends. Do not feel guilty. I would have told Mark sooner than you did, but you did tell him and that is good. Go forth and live and be with friends and have fun. You are at a lovely time in life. So breath and live and love. And that is from a crone who still gets hit on now and then.

BB

D'S...also know as...

[Phoenix Blue]

So now I feel horrible. I can’t seem to stop feeling guilty that Mark is so angry with Rob now. And I can’t stop feeling that somehow, it’s my fault. I keep wondering if I overreacted, if I misinterpreted things, if I blew the entire thing out of proportion due to my past experiences. And I don’t want to deal with the confrontation that’s probably going to ensue because of this. I know Mark’s going to talk to him. There’s nothing I can do about that now. And it’s very likely that Rob will end up apologizing to me the next time he sees me. But I don’t want any of it. I don’t want him to apologize to me. I don’t want to hear another thing about it. An apology would make me just as uncomfortable, if not more so, than his previous behavior. I just want it to go away. But aside from my own personal discomfort, Mark is livid with one of his friends, and I can’t help feeling guilty about it. I can’t help but feel as if I’ve come between him and one of his friends. Granted, if Rob is going to behave this way toward me, he’s not much of a friend to Mark anyway, but I don’t want to be the reason they have issues with each other.
I haven't read any of the other replies, yet, but here're my thoughts:

I think you did the right thing. If Mark is mad with Rob, it's because Rob was behaving in a manner which was simply inexcusable. You're not responsible for anyone's actions but your own - and your actions were, if anything, more charitable toward Rob than he deserved.

[LadyOak]

You have done nothing wrong!!!

[Phoenix Blue]

Admin Mode

Discussions will be kept respectful at all times. Comments which are disrespectful toward one or more forum members will be edited or deleted.

[mythwalker]

I do believe that you did the right thing. My wife and I have a simple solution to this problem. When she is approached she tells them she is not interested and then she tells me about it. I do not get involved unless it happens again. Then I am involved and I will make it plain to that person. I understand that other men want her, I did!!! Why would anyone chose a mate that nobody else would be with???? DUH! Such is life!! Don't let your relationship suffer and live happy but one thing is sure...... Rob is not Marks' friend, no way, no how!!!