Pagan Humor (revisited)

[Kaylara]

Listen to the words of the Phone Goddess, who in days of old was called Mama Cass, Ma Barker, Moms Mabley, the last of the Red Hot Mamas, and by many other names not mentionable in mixed company. Whenever you have need to make a call, preferably long distance, and better it be when the rates are high, then shall ye assemble your
funds in some convenient place to pay me, who am Queen of all Highway Robbery. These ye shall assemble, ye who are fain to bankruptcy yet have not sent me all your earnings. To these shall I send bills as are yet unheard of. Ye shall be free from bank accounts, as as a sign that ye be truly free ye shall be naked from my rates. And ye shall sing,
talk, shout, trade gossip and love, all at your own expense. Let your fingers do the walking through my yellow pages. Let none stop you or turn you aside, just call information. For mine is the dial tone that opens upon the busy signal of life, which is the princess phone of
immorality. Mine is the poverty of the masses, and call now, pay later. For my law is profit before people. Today I give knowlege of facts you do not wish to have, and tommorrow calls that will sell you things you do not wish to own. For behold, I demand everything in sacrifice. I am the next best thing to being there, and my bills are
sent out upon the earth. (- Magenta G. and Steve P-C, 1982)

Blessed Be!
Kaylara

[Kaylara]

1. Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of the amateur.

2. Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your god's name in the privacy of your room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful.

3. Never invoke anything bigger than your head.

4. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over 10 pounds in weight, you're just asking for trouble.

5. Citronella candles may *not* be used in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. Pastel-coloured candles in the shape of cute animals are like beacons to the Dark Lords.

6. Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, thuggee knife, service revolver, garlic, Yellow Sign, cabfare, condoms, and change.

7.*Never* be the cultist that goes to rough up the investigator. Ransacking hotel rooms is probably safe, but going 'round to beat up the good guys is a sure route to the bottom of the Thames.

8. When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the cult leader. Enraged demons always go for the pompous.

9. Don't gloat.

10.If you do gloat, never reveal your plans.

11.If you gloat and reveal your plans, never leave the
investigators to die slowly. They don't.

12.If you gloat, reveal your plans, and leave the investigators to die slowly, don't have the audacity to look surprised when they show up to foil you.

13.Investigators always show up at the last moment to foil you. Start a half-hour early--they hate that.

14.Select ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still affording ample concealment.

15.Never screw with anything whose genetic structure you do not feel absolutely comfortable about.

16.Never admit to having screwed anything whose genetic structure you didn't feel absolutely comfortable about.

17.When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES. Thousands of cultists could be saved every year if they'd just remember this simple safety tip.

18.When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.

19.During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now generally considered bad form.

20.Blood tests are now required of all sacrificial victims before the ritual. The effects of HIV+ offerings on the average malefic deity have never been witnessed by anyone living, or even intact.

21.Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the crap comes down it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to throw the holy water on and the gibbering monstrosity that will go away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a good hot bath.

22.Never play strip Tarot.

23.Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature can stand against one who is true to his faith, his god, and his soul. However, it is also true that God is on the side of the heaviest artillery, so be prepared to change sides at the drop of a hat.

24.For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is just not feasible or even possible, the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock-victim sculpted from Spam will be all right too.

[Kaylara]

10. Hey babe, what's your sign? What's it's ascendant? What is your planet alignment in Venus during Cancer's revolving around the Fourth House?

9. Read any good Llewellyn Books lately?

8. Would you like to come over to my place and widdershens?

7. Haven't I seen you someplace before in another life?

6. Yes, I'm handfasted, but that's not "technically" marriage.

5. So, do you draw down the moon here often?

4. What's a nymph Goddess like you doing in a place like this?

3. You have the prettiest third eye I've ever seen.

2. You're feet must be tired because you've been Spiral Dancing in my mind "all" night long.

And the Number One Cheesy Pick-Up Line for Pagans to Use at Gatherings is:

1. Is that a May Pole in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

[mol]

Originally posted by Kaylara

3. You have the prettiest third eye I've ever seen.

:eek: No comment. :D

[Kaylara]

1. When you're sworn in in court, you bring your own grimoire.

2. You've been seen talking to cats. They talk back. You understand what they're saying.

3. When asked if you believe in God, you ask, "Which one?"

4. You know what "widdershins" means. You apply it.

5. You have an entire spice cabinet and you don't cook. You know that laurel and bay leaves are the same thing.

6. You have a frequent buyer card at the local antique bookstore. The proprietor of said bookstore picks out anything to do with the Celts and saves it for you.

7. You think Mercedes Lackey should be a cultural icon.

8. You know that there are exceptions to the laws of physics. You've caused them.

9. The first thing your guests say is, "My, that's a nice...altar...you have there."

10. On Halloween, you yell "Happy New Year!" at passers-by.

11. You know that Christmas trees were originally pagan symbols. That's why you bought one.

12. You have friends who say they are elves. You believe them.

13. You commit blasphemy in the plural.

14. Upon dying, your first thought is, "Darn it, not AGAIN."

15. When you say "Mother Nature," you don't mean it in an anthropomorphic way.

16. Gaia is NOT the lady on Captain Planet.

17. You think The Mists of Avalon should be a religious text. You use it as such.

18. In Religion 100, you were disappointed because they didn't cover YOUR gods.

19. You know that there is a right way and a wrong way to draw a pentacle. You can explain the difference.

20. You've spent the last year and a half looking for a familiar.

21. You talk to trees. They talk back.

22. You know dragons and fae exist. You've seen them.

23. Painting yourself blue, spiking your hair, and dancing naked around a bonfire sounds like large amounts of fun.

24. You've seen "The Craft." You know where they were making stuff up in "The Craft." You have explained this to other people. You can do it better than they did it in "The Craft." You know it's a load of crap.

25. You understand the symbolism behind a maypole.

26. You've ever ended a phone call with "so mote it be."

27. Your children go around telling people that "the Goddess loves you."

28. You're reading this page. You understand what it's talking about. You have more to add.

[Wyrdsister]

Originally posted by Kaylara


5. You have an entire spice cabinet and you don't cook. You know that laurel and bay leaves are the same thing.

8. You know that there are exceptions to the laws of physics. You've caused them.

15. When you say "Mother Nature," you don't mean it in an anthropomorphic way.

16. Gaia is NOT the lady on Captain Planet.

23. Painting yourself blue, spiking your hair, and dancing naked around a bonfire sounds like large amounts of fun.

24. You've seen "The Craft." You know where they were making stuff up in "The Craft." You have explained this to other people. You can do it better than they did it in "The Craft." You know it's a load of crap.



I so identify with these items! Being a physics major, #8 made me laugh so hard! And although I've never actually done #23, I have seen it done, and it does look like enormous amounts of fun. ;)

Thanks for posting all of this, Kaylara!

Wyrdsister

[Wyrdsister]

The Pagan Chicken - (Neo-Pagan-style)

ALEXANDRIAN/GARDNERIAN:

To reveal this would be to break my oath of secrecy. I can say, though, that it *really* is an ancient rite, dating far back in time, back even before 1951, and I have learned it from an unbroken lineage. As Gerald said, it takes a chicken to make an egg.

ASATRU:

First, we don't believe in a "One Chicken" or a "Hen and Rooster." We believe in many chickens. Second, "crossing the road" is part of the three levels, or worlds, and the chicken simply crossed from one level to another. Hail to the Chickens!

BRITISH TRADITIONAL:

The word "chicken" comes from a very specific Old English word ("gechekken"), and it only properly applies to certain fowl of East Anglia or those descended therefrom. As for the rest, I suppose they are doing something remotely similar to crossing the road, but you must remember that traditional roads are not to be confused with the modern roads....

CELTIC:

In County Feedbeygohn on Midsummer's day, there is still practiced St. Henny's Dance, which is a survival of the old pagan Chicken Crossing fertility rite. Today, modern pagans are reviving the practice, dedicated to the Hen and the Green Rooster.

CEREMONIAL:

"Crossing the road" is a phrase that summarizes many magical structures erected and timed by the chicken to produce the energy necessary for the intention of the travel across the road. For example, the astrological correspondences had to be correct, the moon had to be waxing (if the chicken intended to come to the other side of the road) or waning (if the chicken intended to flee to the other side of the road), and the chicken had to prepare herself through fasting and proper incantations. Note: certain forms of invocation (summoning an egg *inside* your chicken self) can produce abnormal or even dangerous eggs and should only be conducted inside a properly erected barnyard....

CHAOS:

Thinking in terms of "roads" and "crossings" is simply looking at the formal, typically perceived structure of chicken crossing space-time. We, instead, focus on the possibility of chicken crossing itself; what appears to be a random act is thus actually the norm ---- it is the **road** which is the freak of chance. Indeed, quantum mechanics now demonstrates what we knew all along: two roads can simultaneously exist in the same place at the same time. Thus, by attuning ourselves to the dynamic energy (called "crossing"), we can manifest the road. Of course, to the unknowledgeable, this appears as a chicken crossing the road.

DIANIC:

The chykyn ("chicken" is term of patriarchal oppression) sought to reclaim for herself the right to be on the other side of the road, after it had been denied to her for centuries. By doing so, she reawakened the power of the Hen within herself.

DISCORDIAN:

(real loud) cock-a-doodle-doooooo!!!!!

DRUID:

To get to the sacred grove, of course! Keep in mind that 99% of everything written about chickens-crossing-the-road is pure hogwash, based on biased sources. Yes, there were a few unfortunate chicken sacrifices in the past, but that is over now...

ECLECTIC:

Because it seemed right to her at the time. She used some Egyptian-style corn and a Celtic-sounding word for the road and incorporated some Native American elements into her Corn-name, Chicken-Who-Dances-and-Runs-with-the-Wolves.

FAERY:

In twilight times and under sparkling stars, those properly trained can still see the chickens crossing the roads. Reconnecting with these "fey-fowl" as they cross is crucial to restoring the balance between the energies of modern development and living with the earth.

FAMILY TRADITIONAL:

Growing up, we didn't think much about "crossing the road." A chicken was a chicken. It crossed the road because that was what worked to get her to the other side. We focused on what worked, and we worked more with the elders of the barnyard and less with all this "guardians of the chicken coop" business. We didn't get our concepts of "chickens" or "the other side" from Gardner, either. You can choose not to believe us since we did not "scratch down" on paper what was clucked to us orally (which, at certain times in history, was the only way to avoid becoming Easter chicken soup!), but that doesn't change the facts: there *were* real chickens, and they *really did* cross the road!

KITCHEN WITCH:

The chicken crossed the road to get food, to get a rooster or to get away from me after I decided to have chicken for supper!

LEFT-HAND PATH:

White, fluffy chickens prancing across the road! Do you think that is *all* there is to crossing the road? Do you *dare* to know the dark side of crossing the road and the *other* path to self-development?

NEW AGE:

The chicken crossed the road because she chose this as one of her lessons to learn in this life. Besides, there was so much incense and bright, white corn to explore on the Other Side.

NEWBIE:

well, 'cause I read in this really kewl book that said, like, chickens are supposed to cross the road, right?

POSTING ON AN ONLINE DISCUSSION GROUP:

What do you mean why did the chicken cross the road????!!!??? Haven't you read **any** of the previous posts? We've been [expletive deleted] debating every word of that question, painstakingly trying to come to some kind of answer. I know you wrote "all i wnted to know was why chickens cross the road, im not looking for any chicken spells" but I'm fed up with newbies who can't even bother to REEEEEEEEAAADDD the posts on that very topic! No, this is *not* a flame. But, I and several others here have the *maturity* to properly explore and respond to this question, and we were properly trained; we *didn't* just read a book and think we were full-fledged chickens. (hew, feeling much better after ranting.)

"SETHIAN/JANE ROBERTS":

Session 666; Wednesday, Dec. 2, 1969; 9:00 p.m.: Now, you create your own chicken, each of you individually and en masse. Your physical senses fool you into believing you are seeing a chicken crossing the road, when instead, the chicken has already crossed the road, and hasn't even begun to cross the road. There is a probable chicken that never crossed the road as well. Further, because you each perceive a chicken, there is not only one chicken but, in fact, many different chickens. As I have said before, time is simultaneous. All probable versions of the chicken--past, present and future--exist at once in the spacious present. It is only because you *believe* [emphatically] that time is linear, with each moment followed by another in one-line kind of fashion, that you perceive the chicken taking chicken steps to get to the other side of the road. It does no good to ask "Which came first, the chicken or the egg," either, for they both exist at once in simultaneous time. [9:10 p.m.] Now, there are families of chicken consciousness. All life seeks value fulfillment, for consciousness is consciousness. What you perceive as a chicken may be something far different in another reality. The chicken may, for example, be a fragment personality of your entity. The chicken is no less than you are, however, simply because it is a chicken. Now, the chicken has its reality, and you have your reality. But the chicken is more than a chicken [emphatically], and *you are more than you think that you are!* [Pause one minute]: The chicken crosses the road because it *believes* it can, and it does. It knows that it is sacred and that it will not die. You (underline 'you') also are sacred and you will not die. But as long as you believe that it is unsafe to cross the road, you must take chicken steps and obey the laws that you have agreed upon to get to the other side safely. [End at 9:30 p.m. Jane came out of trance easily. She didn't remember a word she had spoken as Seth.]

[SOLITAIRE:

The chicken didn't want to be part of a coven, or an oven.

SHAMAN:

Crossing the road is a way to reconnect with the healing, visionary lifeways of the past. Chickens have long known this, but increasingly the Rooster's Movement is adding more roosters to the crossings too.

SNERT:

Hey, are you guys really chickens? Can you give me a spell that will make a chicken cross the road?

WICCAN:

The chicken crossed the road because she felt like she was finally "coming home." She could do it alone or with others, but she had to call to the Guardians of the Watchtowers of the Barnyard first ... uhm, after casting the circle.
_________

not sure who wrote this, but I found it at http://www.paganportal.com/

Considering myself Dianic, I looovved the Dianic answer!! :D

BB,

Wyrdsister

[Mairwen]

3. When asked if you believe in God, you ask, "Which one?"

Horribly guilty!



8. You know that there are exceptions to the laws of physics. You've caused them.

Amen.



21. You talk to trees. They talk back.

You mean, they're not supposed to?!



23. Painting yourself blue, spiking your hair, and dancing naked around a bonfire sounds like large amounts of fun.

Well, paint me blue and call me a woad warrior! :D



26. You've ever ended a phone call with "so mote it be."

Guilty.

[Semele]

How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a heck of a lot of light bulbs.

How many Taurus does it take to change a light bulb?
What, me move?

How many Gemini does it take to change a light bulb?
2

How many Cancer does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to bring his mother.

How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.

How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install, and two
engineers to check the work.

How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.

How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They LIKE the dark.

How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?
One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.

How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?
The light's fine as it is.

How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?

How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?
What light bulb?

[Semele]

10. So they'll go with any color of robe.
9. So you can cover up nicks & scratches with shoe polish.
8. It's slimming (can't have fat athames, can we?)
7. It doesn't show dirt.
6. Because finding a dropped athame in an outdoor ritual in the dark
is a test of loyalty to your faith.
5. It's so much more dignified than chartreuse.
4. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
3. Someone spilled all the paints together and that's what ended up.
2. No, no! Black is for winter rituals--use white before Labor Day!

And the #1 reason athames handles are black....

1. So that we'd have something to argue about other than how
"athame" is pronounced!

[Semele]

How to tell if you are a yuppie pagan:

Your ritual wear comes from Neiman-Marcus
Your altar comes from Pier One
Your chalice is Waterford
You think "invoking the spirit" means opening the Dom Peringon
You simply can't use any water other than Perrier

[Semele]

How to tell if you are a techno pagan:


You call your corners on a cellular phone
You've had to remove candle wax off your keyboard
You charge your ritual tools- with a Visa
You use a remote control in place of an athame
You download your book of shadows
You cast your circle in a chat room
Your familiar is a mouse
You attend ritual skyclad because it's too much trouble to get dressed for a computer.
Your Yule ritual involves defragmentation
Your altar cloth is a mouse pad
Your cauldron is a crock-pot
Your cone of power has a surge suppressor
Your magical name, e-mail address, and on-line name are all the same.
If you end a circle with Ctl-Alt-Del

[gunner]

"do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they can make you wet and soggy and hard to light"

[Twig]

2. You've been seen talking to cats. They talk back. You understand what they're saying
---ALL the time...I AM a Leo


3. When asked if you believe in God, you ask, "Which one?"
--- That REALLY scares some people.:)


8. You know that there are exceptions to the laws of physics. You've caused them.
--- sssssh!


9. The first thing your guests say is, "My, that's a nice...altar...you have there."
---Hehehe, it's right beside my front door!!!


10. On Halloween, you yell "Happy New Year!" at passers-by
--- Actually to everyone.

13. You commit blasphemy in the plural.
--- And our Xtian groundskeeper HATES it!

18. In Religion 100, you were disappointed because they didn't cover YOUR gods.
---Actually Theology 101,at a catholic college

19. You know that there is a right way and a wrong way to draw a pentacle. You can explain the difference
---Always in the counterclockwise direction

21. You talk to trees. They talk back
---But VERRRRRRRY slowly. I can teach you the trick!

23. Painting yourself blue, spiking your hair, and dancing naked around a bonfire sounds like large amounts of fun.
---Doesn't everyone want to?

28. You're reading this page. You understand what it's talking about. You have more to add.
---Only if you REAAALLLLY want to know.

peace,
Twig [who's thinking of changing his name to "Blue Dancer".]

[Kaylara]

I'm sorry, but I think that that painting myself blue thing sounds extremely fun! Glad to see that I am not the only one!

Kaylara

[Semele]

I am trying to talk my sister into painting her fiance blue. He shaved his head and if painted blue he would look exactly like those guys on the pentium commercials.

Semele

[Kaylara]

The Blue man Group?

Kaylara

[gunner]

kaylara, may i borrow your "phone goddess" post to send to a friend? thanks, blessed be.
"gunner"

[Kaylara]

Gunner~
No problemo! I got it from a web site called www.omphalos.net and as far as I know, the joke is public domain.

Kaylara

[gunner]

thanks kaylara, by the way, i did wonder if there was a "kaylara/kylara" connection, haven't we met at, http://www.annemccaffery.org ? "the kitchen table live". (and if there are any other "dragonriders of pern" fans here you're welcome to visit anne's site too, there's a good bunch of people there.) b.b.
"gunner"

[mol]

Originally posted by gunner
thanks kaylara, by the way, i did wonder if there was a "kaylara/kylara" connection, haven't we met at, http://www.annemccaffery.org ? "the kitchen table live". (and if there are any other "dragonriders of pern" fans here you're welcome to visit anne's site too, there's a good bunch of people there.) b.b.
"gunner"

And, of course, we have a book forum too...as well...not specific to A.M. but...still good! :p

[Kaylara]

Gunner~
Nope, haven't been to the site you posted, but yes, the name is a mutation of Kylara. I read the book in third grade, and when I found paganism, I remembered the name, and it became mine.

Blessed Be!
Kaylara

[bluecat]

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace.'"

The third Catholic crone says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks
into a room, people say 'Your Eminence.'"

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first
three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

Finally she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, sexy, antler wearing,
body-building pagan. When he walks into a room, women say, 'Oh my God.'"


http://www.bluecatsden.com/4mothers.htm

[Kaylara]

Bluecat...
FOMCL!


Kaylara

[Yvonne Belisle]

I have a friend I have to show that to! She may have some breathing problems if she laughs as hard as I think she will. She needs that! Thank-you Bluecat.

[Dextra]

Originally posted by Semele
How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a heck of a lot of light bulbs.

One of my best friends

How many Taurus does it take to change a light bulb?
What, me move?

ME! :D

How many Gemini does it take to change a light bulb?
2

My mother

How many Cancer does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to bring his mother.

Three of my friends!

How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.

My little sister, (the brat that she is)

How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install, and two
engineers to check the work.

That is SO my boyfriend! ;)

How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?
One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.

That is my brother in a nutshell! And my kids for that matter!

[Yvonne Belisle]

Found a joke I thought you would like.

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a
strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What
do you think about all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned
out. It's probably just your dad."

[Yvonne Belisle]

Be careful that you type in the right address when you send
an email. Who knows what might happen:

A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to
Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop
into the hotel room port and sent a short email back home to
his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address,
JennJohnson@global.com.

Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the
email ended up going to JeanJohnson@global.com, a Jean
Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a priest who had just passed
away and was buried that day. The priest's wife took one look
at the E-mail and promptly fainted.

It read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"




Sorry couldn't resist posting this I thought it was cute.

[Earth Walker]

Hi Dextra.

What, No mention of Libra? ;)




Walk gently with the Goddess. :sunny:

[bluecat]

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - Dave Platt

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer." - Bruce Graham

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." - Unknown

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." - English proverb

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." - Ellen Perry Berkeley

"One cat just leads to another." - Ernest Hemingway

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." - Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from
insomnia." - Joseph Wood Krutch

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." - Faith Resnick

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." - Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." - Unknown

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." - Albert Schweitzer

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." - Ernest Menaul

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."

"Time spent with cats is never wasted." - Colette

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." - Missy Dizick

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." - Colonial American proverb

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." -Joseph Wood Krutch

"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."

[Earth Walker]

I am still laughing. Thank you so very much bluecat!
:cool:


Walk gently with the Goddess. :sunny:

[sherry]

Bluecat I do love your jokes!!
I can always count on smiling when it comes to you !!

[bluecat]

The Great Land Grab!

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which his son translated: "What are the guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon.
The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. Finally, NASA called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said:

"Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your land."

[bluecat]

For all of your worshippers of the Great God Chili!

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named Phil, who was visiting Texas:



Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili


JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.


JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

PHIL: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.


Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili


JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.


JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.


PHIL: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.


Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili


JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.


JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.


PHIL: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.



Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic


JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.


JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.


PHIL: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.



Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover


JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.


JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.


PHIL: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.



Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety


JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.


JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.


PHIL: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.



Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili


JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.


JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.


PHIL: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At my autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.



Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili


JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.


JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.


PHIL: <------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to respond

[Earth Walker]

Originally posted by Kaylara
I'm sorry, but I think that that painting myself blue thing sounds extremely fun! Glad to see that I am not the only one!

Kaylara


I'm partial to muave, myself. ;)

Muave-ah-lous, Dahling. :D


Walk gently with the Goddess, but carry a big stick.
:sunny:

[Yvonne Belisle]

President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school
today and he visits one of the classes (4th grade I believe).
They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and
their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would
like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, " tragedy."
So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of
a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives
next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and
runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50
children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would
be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the President. "That's what we would
call a GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.President
Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can
give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, Lil' Johnny raises his hand.
In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying President
and Mrs Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to
smithereens, that would be a tragedy.

"Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me
WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," Lil' Johnny said, "because it wouldn't be an accident,
and it damn sure wouldn't be a great loss."

[Wyrdsister]

Just wanted to say a BIG thank you to everyone for your jokes! What a pick me up! Bluecat, the one with the 4 Catholic ladies is brilliant! :)

Wyrdsister