Blocks in my path.

[punkymister]

Oh wow, where do I start?

I've just started this GREAT relationship with this fella named Jeff. He's the epitome of every quality and attribute I've ever looked for in another person. Similar interests, superb chemistry, physical and mental attraction. When we both met, we both feeled we had known eachother our whole lives, as corny as that sounds.

Now to the problem:

I'm letting past negative relationship experiences (and like us all, I have many of them) dictate what this one will become. Fears of betrayl, lying, cheating and abandonment always are lurking in my mind behind every corner. To all of my past relationships, I've had a sense of closure so I'm not sure where I'm still getting them from.

To add to the pot, we're both busy individuals. Jeff in theatre, I in film so somedays we don't even find time to talk. Jeff also is a person who I know feels something for me, has said it when we started going out, but doesn't really hint at it again. I know theatre is really busy, and being mushy is sometimes emotionally exhausting and considering he's already emotionally and physically exhausted - it's a hard thing to do. However it's a hard thing for me to cope with due to tha I'm an emotionally high mainteance individual.

I really don't want to screw up this relationship. I know the solution lies in me. I find that when I talk to friends and family it helps, but then an hour later I'm back fathoming the worst case scenarios. It's hard because I don't deserve this. It's a great relationship and I shouldn't be beating myself up over the past.

Any advice?

[Phoenix Blue]

**Nods** Talk to Jeff about what's bothering you. Let him know it's not because you suspect he's doing anything, but because of the past relationships you've been through. :) Ask him to understand if you have rough days sometimes as a result. . . and then just let him be there for you.

[Athena-Nadine]

As someone who has been going through something similar recently, I agree with Phoenix (ooh, there's a shock ;)). Talk to him. Tell him how you feel; explain to him the things that frighten you. Just be careful about projecting.

Don't say things like, "And then you're hardly around, and it makes me start thinking X, Y, Z..." etc. Don't complain to him about his not being as emotional as you would like. It may very well be that at some point you will need to have a discussion with him about his own behavior, but keep that separate from this issue. They aren't one and the same, and should not be treated that way. If you do treat them as the same thing, he will probably only become defensive, and then nothing will be accomplished. Even if you feel that some of his behaviors are triggering your fears, don't accuse him of anything in this conversation. From what you've said, he's not doing anything wrong, and telling him that he has anything to do with your feeling past fears can push him away. Of course, if he really is doing something that is making you feel this way, that has to be addressed--and it has to be addressed with him before you talk about any insecurities you have that you know are just that.

Make sure he understands that this is not an issue of you asking him for reassurance (because many of the things you are afraid of he cannot reassure you about), and that you are not asking him for promises about your relationship. My boyfriend and I never say things like, "I'm not going anywhere," but instead say things like, "I have no intention of going anywhere." None of us knows the future, or what possible things may or may not happen.

Most of all, be gentle with yourself. You are allowed to fear. There's nothing wrong with it. Don't be angry with yourself for it, and don't beat yourself up for it. But if you know, for a fact, that it is nothing but your own fears, don't let them decide the path of your relationship, either. :)

[punkymister]

I completly agree with you both, thanks for the advice.

I'm just not sure how to bring it up without him taking it the wrong way or making him think I'm insecure with the whole relationship. He hasn't done anything wrong at all. He knows I have trust issues and I've told him several times before and he says that'll he'll be there for me and wouldn't break my trust.

I'm completly cool with the long day, busy schedule kind of thing. As I too have it sometimes. I just need emotional reassurance sometimes.

[Pesha]

I feel you need to forgive yourself for what you have termed past bad relationships. Let them go. Do a banishing ritual if you need to. And send off the fear and doubt. Then go have that talk with your man. And be gentle and casual and let him know you care and how you feel about the relationship. Communication is so important in an intimate relationship.
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