A Place To Rest My Weary Heart, A Place To Mend My Tortured Soul...

[menolly]

Why do I feel so alone when surrounded by love?
Why do I feel so afraid of living my life for myself?
Why do I feel so ashamed of loving him?
Why do I feel so adrift in a world full of anchors?

Lend me the strength to stop the tears,
Lend me the strength to raise my chin,
Lend me the strength to let go of my fears,
Lend me the strength to let love in...

[menolly]

I have no words, ladies, only the heaviness of my heart...

[menolly]

Every time I feel like there has been a breakthrough in the way I'm feeling, everything falls apart again... Why, whenever something happens to make me feel good again, does something else happen to remind me of everything there is to make me feel broken? No-one should have to put up with chronic depression from the age of eight...

I am starting to think I shall never be happy. I am starting to believe I am broken inside, and shall never find a way to fix myself. I can no longer cry for all that I have lost, for all that has hurt me, for all that still does... I want to, but the tears never come... What is wrong with me? I am become a Pariah; a being of no soul. I have had it stolen from me, slowly, over a matter of years by those who would break me, and am left with nothing that is my own...

Oh, for relief from the blank, gaping numbness I feel...

Grant me strength, that I may stand and raise my head to the heavens,
Grant me peace, that I may find my center,
Grant me serenity, that I may forgive others their misgivings,
Grant me patience, that I may endure all tomorrows,
Grant me release, that I may find a way to grieve...

[menolly]

Things get better, then things progressively get worse...

I want to be confident in my role in life...
I want to know where I'm going and what I'm doing...
But things always go astray and I'm left wondering where I'm going in life, and what exactly do I want?
I am in love with him, and I know he loves me too... I know that with him, I shall always be safe, looked after and cherished, yet things are lacking...
Now you have led me to another, who offers me what the first lacks, but I know may well not offer any of the things I am assured of with my other...
Lead me to the knowledge of what to do now, and where to go next. Please send me the answer I am looking for. I want to hurt no-one...

Also, please help the one who is hurting, who has hurt me too, for things are not too clear for him right now. Help him overcome the hurt in his heart, and help him realise that no-one is to blame...

As my will, so mote it be;
With harm to none, so mote it be...

[menolly]

Thankyou so, my ladies! You have shown me exactly where I should put my feet, as long as I do not allow myself to fall foul of my own hedonism. I am thankful for him, and for all he has and will show me, but also am I thankful that you have opened my eyes.
Thankyou for teaching me to be open to others' love
Thankyou for teaching me that I am never alone, and I never will be
Thankyou for teaching me to accept his words as his truth, not just things to say that he may hold sway over me later

I know that these are hard lessons to learn, and harder still to remember, but I shall strive to keep them, and him, in my heart as long as such a thing is possible.

I have found my peace with the world...

[menolly]

I turn to you now with tears in my eyes...
Please forgive me, my ladies, for that which I must do, and please grant me the strength I need to follow through...
I have thought much on this last night, and I am now unsure if I will be able to do what needs to be done... I am so scared!
Please, above all else, don't let him leave me now when I need him the most. Please guard him from as much of this as you can, and try to ease his mind on this. The last thing I wanted to do was cause him any hurt or worry. I only wanted to protect him...Please let what we must go through strengthen our love for each other, and not diminish it...

And now, a goodbye...

Please know we do what we have to, not nescessarily what we want to. We both would love to do otherwise, but as things are right now, it really wouldn't work. Please forgive us our seeming selfishness, and know that we love you. In time, I pray we may see you again...

Forgive me...

[menolly]

Thankyou again, my ladies, for showing me how strong a love can grow when faced with such dire circumstance...
Thankyou for guiding us to telling each other truths we though best unspoken; it has given us strength we did not know we could muster at this time, and resolve that we shall survive this all the stronger for what we go through now. He has told me; 'That is our past, and it will not affect our future...' He is truely a treasure that I shall cherish for as long as I have the honour of doing so.

Thankyou also for showing us that we can still smile, we can still laugh, and we can still enjoy each other despite the pain we are in. I think I have finally learnt the meaning of the word 'together'...

I am truely blessed, although sometimes I need reminding...

As our will; so mote it be,
With harm to none; so mote it be...

[menolly]

I have done nothing wrong. I know this, and you, my ladies, know this. If this is so, then why am I still judged by all around me, who only go on one side of the story? Why must I be betrayed by friends whom I have never wronged? I feel all is against me now, and I have nobody left who cares of the depth of my depression, who cares of the pain I feel, who cares of whether I live or die...

My lady Zemyna; I entreat thee take great care of my little Amara, and keep her safe that she may return to us one day...

My lady Nimue; I entreat thee guide me as best you can, show me my true path and let me stray not...

My lady Tiamat; I entreat thee protect me from those who would seek to break me, be it mentally, physically or emotionally. Keep me and mine safe in the shelter of your wings, and watch over our wellbeing with all that is yours to command.

For this, my ladies, I can give you naught but my unerring faith and fealty. I shall do my best to follow you well, and learn all you have to teach me with eagerness.

As my will; so mote it be,
With harm to none; so mote it be...

[menolly]

Please, my ladies, make the pain stop! It hounds me constantly, even through the painkillers, and the bleeding is showing no signs of stopping! It's been four days non-stop now! Please help to end this swiftly. I understand why this has come to be, why this was nescessry, but please don't force me to live it any longer than I must.
I thank you, my ladies, for giving me this way out. I know if this did not happen now, I would not be able to be strong enough to carry out our first decision, and I would be in a terrible place. Also, I know that if I had carried out our first decision, I would never have forgiven myself. The way you have given me is the better of all evils. This way I can hold no blame to myself, and I am free of all stresses I would suffer otherwise.
Also, I thank you for bringing us together. I know he cares for me truely, with all his heart, and he shall take care of me always. I shall do my very best to give him the same.

[menolly]

Help me overcome the pain I feel every day. I don't know what else to ask or to say other than that I feel like I've lost one of the few good things I have left in my life. There is a piece of me missing that I'll never get back. How do I begin to grieve over this? How do I forget that there was ever anyone else in my life? I'm so hurt and depressed and confused about this. Please help me to make the pieces fit again. Please help me to start to live normally. Please help me to come to terms with the strange new world I woke up to on friday morning, and have been living with each day since.

I am in mourning, but I don't even know how to begin my grieving...

[menolly]

Slowly, slowly, the pieces come apart again. I have to take each day as it comes, because I don't know how each day will affect me. Some days I seem okay, others I can't stop the tears... Some days it's all I can do to stay sane when I'm alone...
I guess I just need more patience with myself and with life, but it's hard to have that patience when one by one all those people I thought were my friends tell me they don't want to know me anymore. All I've done was be honest with him and myself, and yet I am judged from all angles for the wrong reasons...
My heart breaks a little more each day, and no-one cares. I die another death every time I wake or look in the mirror, and yet people turn away still. I waste away, I can't sleep, I don't eat, my cigarette smoke consumes me more each day, and yet no-one sees what this has done to me. People don't see that I punish myself enough without their unfeeling eyes or accusations.

All the tears I cry are not enough to wash the stains from my soul, if I yet have a soul left to call my own...

[menolly]

I can see things clearly and separately now, but just because you can see it, doesn't mean you can stop it or change it. The pain is still there when I think about it, but I'm getting better at ignoring it and pretending it doesn't exist. I'm not sure that this is a good thing...

Thankyou again for guiding me to him. He is my love and my life, and I would be so lost without him. He gives me such strength, and I am able to see the joy in the world when he is around. Something this pure and beautiful cannot be wrong, and you have my eternal thanks for that...

Please help my little one feel better. He doesn't yet understand illness, and he is having a hard time of it.

Thankyou...

[menolly]

I am back in that place again. I'm doing the same things, making the same mistakes and feeling the same way all over again. I am slowly losing parts of myself that I thought I owned. At the same time, everything's floating back to the surface. Everything's coming back to claim me, making me feel less than myself. The worst thing is, I know how selfish and self-pitiying I am. The very intelligence that I once loved in me, I now hate, because it reminds me of all the things I should be. I don't deserve all the good things I have, because I abuse them and take them for granted. No-one should have to suffer me, possibly not even myself.
I am sorry to all those people I hurt and I use. They are so good to me, I just don't know how to handle kindness. I treat it like I own it, and then carry on as if it made no impression. Sometimes I don't know how to be grateful. I know all this and I still do it because I don't know how to react in any other way. I am truely sorry, but I know I'll keep doing the same thing.

I lived like this yesterday, I am living like this today, and I know I will live like this tomorrow...

[menolly]

I don't understand my actions anymore, and I've given up on trying. I think I'm getting close to the road of self-destruction. Everything I do is just another stupid idea, another messed-up decision - another mistake. I know I am making a mistake with him right now, but I want to know how it will end, I want to know what will happen of it.
I don't understand myself, and maybe I don't want to. Maybe I think it's more fun making these mistakes and seeing what I can pull from the wreckage.

[menolly]

It's official, I've slipped. I'm gonna run myself off the rails, and I don't care anymore. I really don't care. I've taken everything too far, and I've found myself in a very strange situation - but it's so much fun! It's exhilarating, a release from caring about everyone too much and letting myself get trodden on. This time, I'm the one wearing the boots!
I wonder how long I can last it out without anybody realising what I've done...

[menolly]

Life is truely an amazing thing... So many things have changed for me in the past month - I have broken up with my bf, I have met new people, I have restored and renewed old ties. The first moments of my new year and my new life were totally perfect... I was in a room full of love, surrounded with people I knew, and I've never felt more alive than the moment he kissed me...

This year will be a good one, and the start of many more to come. I am starting again, and I will rebuild myself. I will fix myself.

To all I have ever known and ever will know - I love each of you dearly, and I pray for all of you to find your way and strive for the happiness you deserve. You have all been and will be miracles to me. You are all my life.

Thankyou my ladies for all you are to me and all you have helped me see and become. You never fail me, it is only I who fails myself at times, but I am human. I am eternally grateful for all I am, and all I will be, and for the life I have been given. It hasn't been easy, and not all of it fun, but I wouldn't have it any other way...

[menolly]

I saw them again friday, and I had a wonderful time! I really enjoyed myself - and in Nuneaton for once! I thought that was no longer possible. I'm glad everyone over in Rugby was good, and that they got on so well - I was afraid of confrontation! (Although he did get the wrong impression of him, and has already passed this misconception on to one person - how many others?) There aren't a lot of guys who buy you Champagne the 3rd night you're out with them! :D And seeing as I've now met the two small people in his life, it's only fair he meets the little guy in mine (as soon as he's feeling better and more sociable).

I can tell already this year's gonna be a good one, and that things will take off from here - I've found what I needed in my life; a little maturity. So many things have changed this year already, and I know it's only the beginning. I'm in for a rollercoaster ride this year, and I can't wait for the fun to start!

[menolly]

Things are back to normal again, but this time I mean it in a positive way. We're back to the place we should have always been, and I am so glad for this. I've never been able to feel so comfortable and accepting of things as I am now. This is new to me, but I love it! I'm having the greatest year of my life so far. I may be moving in with one of the closest people to me, I may be setting myself up in my own business, I'm in a band which actually has direction... In short, I'm getting my act and my life together and having such a good time.
The depression is still there at times, but I think it always will be. I'm learning that I can control it instead of letting it control me. I'm finally learning to live, and accepting all that life has given me. I'm going to go out, take my chances and make something of myself. By the end of the year, I want to be working - but for myself.

Thankyou again, my ladies, for opening my eyes and guiding me with your gentle hands. I pray you will strive to teach me always, and never give up on your wayward daughter; I am trying so very hard to live life with joy and acceptance.
Blessings to all those who would call me friend, to all those who have never given up on me, to all those whose lives have touched mine; You are all a constant light in my life, and a truer and purer gift I could never have thought to know in my life. I love you all.

[menolly]

I pray to you tonight, my ladies, that my worries are unfounded and the strength to get over this oh-so familiar hurdle...
I feel it may be easier this time over, on my own, but I suppose I won't know until the time comes, or when it is over and done....

Let me just get through this, and I swear I will do my all to get better and to get help.