Having a second child a long time after first?

[Williwaw]

Dh and I are in the very early stages of discussing whether we want to have a baby. We've been married almost 9 years and I think at this point we're stable lol. I have a dd which my dh adopted about 4 years ago now, she just turned 16. I'm 34 and dh is 29. He will be getting out of the Army in just under 2 years and we'll be moving back to his home town where we originally met.

To make a long story short, who has a large age difference in kids? Dd will be in college in less than 2 years and we already have a game plan for that. We both like the idea of having a baby, but we're both also used to only having an older kid around. Who else had kids when they were older? Not that I think 34 is old but I had my only one at 18 KWIM? What adjustments did you have to make? If I did have one I would continue to work most likely at least part-time.

So who else has done this?

Gina

[MammaStar]

I haven't done it. Yet. I'm 33 and my son is 11. If i ever do have another child there will be a HUGE age difference. But it's definitely something that I can't control. And my cousin's are about 12 years apart as well and they grew up just fine. :D

[Danustouch]

I think having a large age difference both has it's advantages, AND disadvantages.

My mother had my little sister when she was 40 years old...I was 12 at the time. I welcomed the idea of having a little sister, in theory ..heh..but in practice, it had both its ups and downs. The first thing that pops into my mind, when I remember that time, was that I was 12..I had just hit puberty...i was learning all about boys, my body, etc. It was a time in my life that I really needed EXTRA attention, especially from my mother. Constant guidance, advice, support, attention, etc. Unfortunately, the advent of my mothers pregnancy, kind of inhibited that a little. First thing, she was 40, and as a result of her older age, she had a few more difficulties in the pregnancy itsself, then she did when she was younger. So she was more sick during the pregnancy, tired more easily, needed alot more rest, and had less patience. Consequently, there were alot of times when I wanted to talk to her, that she was either sleeping, not feeling well, or irritable (and thus, emotionally unavailable). There were also times when she was just so out of sorts, or exhuasted, that the old "Go outside and play, let me take a nap" thing occurred. Well..in a neighborhood full of teenage boys, and me being the only GIRL..I'm sure you can imagine the trouble I got into. Especially since I was becoming a young woman...and was just learning about the power of a female body, flirtation, etc, over men (or boys in this case). ;)

I was also at that strange period between girlhood, and adolescence. I'm sure many of you can identify with how awkward, and sometimes painful this time is. For instance, your room is full of toys from your childhood, which you are reluctant to "get rid of", because they are familar, comforting, and ..."Yours". And yet, because you're in that struggle to find a more adult identity, you don't play with them anymore. Of course, when my mother found out she was pregnant, we had to make room for the baby. Thus, many of my toys that I "Didn't play with anymore" had to be boxed up, given away, sold off, put into storage, or..donated to the baby on the way. Don't get me wrong, some of this was done voluntarily, and happily. I couldn't wait til she was born, and I eagerly surrendered my stuffed animals, cabbagepatch kids, etc, to her future toy box. But...it was also a painful thing, in some ways. Kissing goodbye to your childhood isn't always easy.

There were also financial concerns..budgeting for a new baby isn't easy either. And yet, I was growing fast. I was also becoming aware of fashion more and more. My needs for new clothing, and other things became more pronounced. School Dances in Junior High, Outings with my friends, new school clothes, field trips, etc, etc. My parents tried to provide these things as much as possible, however, it was rough. And there WERE times when I had to go without certain things. I wasn't a selfish child..I understood WHY I had to go without. But on the same hand, it was a little hard at times to see my friends all dressed up in latest fashion, or attending trips my parents didn't have the money to afford, etc.

There was also the issue of losing my place as the "baby" of the family. All the attention that I once had, the praise that was heaped on me, slowly from the moment they became aware of the pregnancy, on... was being focused on the new baby. This too, was difficult to adjust to.
There were alot of times that my tender adolescent feelings were hurt, quite unintentionally, by the adults around me. Times when I'd come racing in from school wanting to speak about my day, but mom wasn't feeling good. Or she had company, and they were talking about pregnancy...and once the baby was born..about her. Etc.

When she was born... other complications in my moms health happened. The birth was difficult, and she had a prolapsed uterus. She was in a great deal of pain for the first year of my sisters life. So, my brother and I both had a great deal of responsibility heaped onto our shoulders... I shared a bedroom with my sister, so when she would awake in the middle of the night, often it was more convenient for me to get up, feed or change her, then to wake my mother. And even if my mother DID do these things, It was still me who got woken in the middle of the night too. I was often exhausted during my school day. This became even more a problem when my mother had a complete hysterectomy a year after my sister was born, and had a very long, and difficult recovery. My brother and I had to shoulder ALOT of the responsibilities around the house, AND with the baby.

These were the negative, or difficult things about the situation. On the upside, my brother and I loved this little girl with all our hearts from the second we found out she was coming into the world. This baby, who is now 16 years old, had more love, attention, guidance than most children are fortunate enough to have. She had a strong big brother to look out for her, to play guitar to her, to buy her clothes with his paycheck from his job. And a big sister to rock her, sing to her, play with her, change her diapers, watch out for her, etc.

She idolized her brother and I. She also, I think, was far more intelligent than most children her age, because she didn't only have one person to talk to her, read to her, play with her, teach her, etc, but ...she had her brother and I too. We helped her with homework, we read to her, we played educational games with her, etc. She has always been somewhat of a stellar student in school, which I think has alot to do with having her brother and I around.

She also is a very observant girl....she learned ALOT about life, from watching the mistakes that her brother and I made in ours. Heh, unfortunately for her sometimes, my Mother also learned alot from my brother and I. Heh..so they've been a bit more strict with her about some things than they originally were with my brother and I.

But.. My little sister, now, as a teenager, can talk with me about problems with boys, and get good advice. She can talk to me about things she's really not comfortable talking to mom and dad about. She can relate to me easier than my parents, who are so much older than her. She has us looking out for her, etc.

My relationship with my little sister has a very maternal theme to it, because of the age difference. And yet, at the same time, because I'm still somewhat in the "loop", I'm not quite as "uncool" as my mom.

I think that between my mom, my dad, my brother and I, we've managed to "raise" a very bright, very sensitive, very intelligent and confident child. Despite all the other problems in our family..she's come out okay so far.

So...having a family with huge age differences in it, has both it's plusses and minuses. The important thing to remember, is that while a new baby requires SO much attention, so does your adolescent child...your teenager. Whatever you do, make sure that you are sensitive to your older childs needs as well..don't let her begin to feel "lost" or "left out". Try, as much as possible, to make sure that she receives at least as much attention as she always has, if not more (due to the difficult time of transition in her life). It's going to be alot harder, then starting out with a new baby at a younger age. However, it can be done, and done well.

Good Luck!

[Semele]

Well my first and second are seven years apart and that was making me a little nervous, but it has advantages. My father remarried and he and his wife had a daughter the same year that both my brother and step brother graduated from high school. She was a suprise, but a welcome one.

There are eight of us kids all together between his and hers and theirs. We all never lived in the same house but spent the majority of summers and vacations and such together. It was fun. Jessica, my lil sister was always very spoiled and well taken care of by all her siblings. The parents were never without a sitter. I think each of us had our own special bind with her and she has a lot of sisters and bros to call up any time she wants to discuss something. Also, and this is the best part I think..she has a special bond with her parents and is basically at this point, teen years, an only child as all others have grown up and had their own children. I don't think any of the siblings are jealous of her or regret her being born. It was a welcome addition and it has been a very positive experience. Also she learned to talk and be self-sufficient very early because she was surrounded by "adults".

In short, I say if you want to do it, go for it. Your daughter will no doubt feel the same way and would encourage you to do it. Just think how fun it will be for her to have her younger sibling over to spend the night when she gets her first place of her own etc.

[ckynes1968]

My husband and I have a blended family. He has three sons from his first marriage ages 25, 23, and 11 so there is a big gap between the two oldest and the youngest. Then I have a daughter from my first marriage that is 13. She fits right in with the 11 yr old so it was like having two separate families for awhile. We decided we wanted one of our own and now she is five (so there is an 8 yr difference in my two girls). Both the 11 and 13 yr old were very excepting of having another baby (back in 1998 when they were 8 and 6) I took them to one of my sonograms so they could "meet" the baby first which they both enjoyed. They were also allowed in the hospital room as soon as she was born (I could have had them present if I chose too but I didn't want anyone there but my hubby) It is rocky sometimes, especially since the youngest is five and gets into the older one's stuff (make-up, jewelry) But for the most part, I think they genuinely like having a little sister.

The only problem I had was that my family treated me like I was stupid and knew 'nuthin bout birthin babies' even though I had an eight year old daughter. My daughter and I would joke that she must've been hatched since being pregnant was all new to me.

[Shy Hawk]

My aunt has 16 years between her first and second child, they are both girls, and they are the only children. For her it worked really well because at 16 my cousin could help a lot with the baby stuff and took a large and active role in it. My mother and her older brother are 20 years apart, it just seemed to make them closer because they didn't have to experience the rivalries and petty arguments that children have with eachother, it was a positive experience.
On the other hand, you will have a long time till you are "free" again.