In the Garden with my Goddess

[13thChylde]

Whew, I did it. I finally called Cyn and told her how my feelings were hurt when she told secrets to Jules, among other things. Could't really talk long since we were both at work but we exchanged new contact info, so that's a start in the mending.

I don't want to lose our friendship, not many ppl I can say I've been friends with for 15 years. Please let the right words come when we do get to speak again.

I need to talk to my mother about Nani and my upcoming trip. I don't think that it's fair for Dakotah & Savannah to be stuck with Steve, especially since he'll be in the middle of the rush to finish the house. I ask you to help me make her understand, and to not preach to me.

And I really need help in focusing on my job. I get the work done, but I do goof off a lot. In these days you're lucky to have a job, so please help me to improve.

Thank you for the opportunities you send my way each day to appreciate.

Thank you for the leaf whirlwind on Saturday with Savannah.

[13thChylde]

(jumping up + down, clapping hands) THANK YOU FOR THE SUITCASE!

It's big enough and it was only $50 and I saved enough to buy the clothes folder (really, it's for Mr Mom) as well...so I can pack everything I'll need into one bag. Nani will be sooo proud of me for not overflowing out of my suitcase like last time!:)

Please let my children understand...it's only 10 days...and that I am saving money to take them to disneyworld, hopefully in Jan or Feb,after we've moved and are pretty much settled into our old new house.

And, please please please let us be safe in our travels and let us keep all of our baggage. I've never been to another country before so I'm pretty nervous.

Thank you for everything....

Willow

[13thChylde]

(lights blue candle for peace for all)

Goddess, thank you for my babies. I love them sooo much, but feel that we're at a standoff point, and they're only 7 & 8! I guess it's just a phase they're going thru, but the beligerent attitude is wearing thin. And the messiness, the laziness, the negative "I can't do this or that" attitude...please give me patience to deal with this. Give me the ability to stop and just have fun with them, if that's what is needed. I really need to cultivate my inner child, and remember how to play.

Let them make friends this year that they really enjoy, and let them know the love of their Mother as well as their mommy :hugz:

Thank you for all the people who love me...my new Faery Oracle deck (I love it! so worth waiting 9 months for)...please let Nani's family and friends be safe and well, and send your love :heartthroand healing to all in Jakarta who were affected by the bomb earlier. Let us all learn to live with each other.

[13thChylde]

(Willow brings an offering of freshly baked sunflower bread, some sunflowers in a cobalt vase, a glass of mead and lights yellow, orange and red candles)

Goddess, thank you for the surprise visit from my sister and her babies yesterday. They are beautiful!! Please let our healing process take root, and let us open up to each other again. It's difficult for me to talk about anything but the most mundane subjects since we all know that she goes and tells Scott everything, and that he twists it all up to suit his ends....but I wish to get past that. I would like our children to be close, and for my sister to forgive our parents and for all to just get along.

Please give me the courage to tell my mother about Nani and my trip. Open her heart so that she can hear me when I tell her, instead of throwing bibles at me.

Willow

[13thChylde]

Whew, I had no idea telling her would be so easy. Granted, I didn't tell her all the details, but I think she has an idea. We don't have the type of relationship that allows total honesty, I've watered down everything in my life up to this point, so I really don't think she could "handle the truth."

I feel your touch so much more often these days. I'm learning to see you in the most ordinary places, and I'm very grateful for that. Life is not made up of big moments, but the little ones that touch your heart and if I waited around for a big "AHA" I'd be missing out on some truly spectacular sights :)

[13thChylde]

crying and shaking

I can't believe this is happening. Please let this be resolved in the best way for everyone and please don't let me lose all my money that I used for the ticket. If it would be possible for her to go to Crete like we have planned, please let us know ASAP. I'm supposed to leave in 17 days and now I have to re-route the whole thing because of stupid governements. If I have to go to Bali instead, please keep me safe. Keep me safe wherever I go.

So mote it be.

[13thChylde]

(bows head, lights candle and leaves offering of pomegrantes)

I am sorry that I've been away for so long. I have been so depressed after returning from Thailand that it hurt to stay awake, so I would go right to sleep after dinner most nights. And I cried too much every time I thought of her, so forgive me for not showing my gratitude right away. I AM GRATEFUL THAT I WAS ABLE TO GO TO THAILAND AND BE WITH NANI, but it wasn't enough. I don't want to seem greedy, but it just wasn't. I'm so much more the person I aspire to be when I'm with her. The world is a much nicer place when she's holding my hand. Food tastes better, music sounds sweeter, all those things you hear people say, which I always thought was such a load of hogwash, are actually true.

I know there must be a reason why I, living on the east coast of the US, and a woman living in Indonesia were brought together. It doesn't seem random, and the force of our attraction has been overwhelming since the first meeting at WL. I don't want to be with anyone else. I want to be with her. I don't go around saying these things out loud b/c I don't want to jeopardize my children, or hurt him unnecessarily, but the thought of only seeing her once a year kills me.

Thank you for happy, healthy children who challenge me, the opportunity to move back to the place we love, and for enough money to make it till the end of the year. I will be so relieved when there is only one housepayment instead of two.

your child,
willow

[13thChylde]

Thank you for the glimpse of the deer in the river this morning! That was beauty.

Thank you for the inspiration I feel for my new idea...it feels really right, and something that I would be good at.

[13thChylde]

Goddess~

I can only hope and pray that there is some reason for my life...for who I am, for being where I am, for loving who I love. I cannot measure the tears I have cried b/c I just don't want to be here anymore, I want to be apart from Steve and share custody and have Nani with me.

That, however is the most ludicrous thing I could ever wish for. Dak + Sav would be heartbroker, S might get all mean and angry again and Nani doesn't have a prayer of being allowed into this country.

I really don't have any time to slip into this depression. Please make it go away.

Yours,
Me

[13thChylde]

Go home now, to the mother of winter.
Go home now, to your springtime home.
Go home now, to the mother of summer.
Go home now, to your autumn home.

Sleep, oh sleep now. Sleep, oh sleep.
Sleep against her sacred breast.
Sleep, oh sleep now, Sleep, oh sleep.
Sleep this night, let her give you rest.
~ Medieval Irish death chant