His mother hates me, advice?

[Phoenix]

I've just started a long distance relationship with this guy that I really love, he's sweet and sensitive and he practically worships the ground that I walk on. The only problem is he's 19 (I'm 21) and lives with his mother while he's going to university. She, however, seems to hate me. She doesn't want him to come see him and keeps telling him not to bother with me because I'm just going to leave him. I don't know what to do, I love him so much but this whole situation frustrates both of us to the point where we start doubting ourselves and our ability to make this work. Please help.

[WandererInGray]

*hugs* Long Distance relationships are difficult even if you don't have anyone interfering. Trust me, I know this after having spent 2.5 years apart from my fiancée.

That said, for any long distance relationship to work, communication is key. You can't make it work without being totally and completely honest with each other.

Unfortunately, he's the only one who can tell his mother to please let him live his own life. And about the only thing I can think of to help ease the stress off on you is for him to not tell you when she's saying these things. If it's not something he believes anyway, it doesn't really serve any purpose to tell you that his mother is saying nasty things about you.

*smiles* All in all, it sounds like a classic case of a mother suffering from the possibility that her precious boy is growing up and going to leave her. That's difficult to work with, at any age, and unfortunately even harder at your younger age.

[Gareth]

Here's some truth that not many people know.
My wife and I started as a long distance relationship. That was over 9 years ago!!
We were lucky, because we knew right from the start we were made for each other.
If you feel the same way, go for it. :)
But these types of relationship are hard to maintain. I wish you good luck.

[skatha_mare]

Take the high road. Always be nice and polite to her. She'll either warm up or not, but he'll see you in a good light. :lilangel:

Trust me- this is coming from one who's in-laws hate her ( I'm too much of an opinionated, strong, independent woman for their tastes).

[LadyAutumnCat]

My boyfriend's family hates me as well, mostly because I'm hispanic and he's not, so they have issues. I have grown up in ghettos and they in the suburbs etc etc. No matter what I do I'm always wrong, my mom raised us wrong etc etc. you guys get the drift. I tried being friends and tolerating them, I smiled, I laughed at their jokes, but nothing worked. Eventually, my boyfriend realized that we were never going to get along and stopped pushing us together. I never spend time with his family and vice versa, they leave me alone and I leave them alone. Sometimes, you can't work it out, so it's best to just leave each other be. But, you have to tell your boyfriend how you feel, just make sure to communicate with him and share.

[MammaStar]

Ah, i'm disliked by Eshallet's family as well. And the thing was, I TRIED to be nice, polite, respectful...however, due to an event last year, I no longer care. I tried. Eshallet and I have been together for nearly 4 years now. His mother is really the only thing we fight about. It's verylong and complicated, but think "needy and controlling". Even so, in public, I'm nice to her. For example, recently (about a month ago) Eshallet cut his arm badly. He needed stitches. His brother was kind enough to call and tell me he was at the ER but he was unsure if Eshallet wanted me to go. I decided to head down and see what was going on. The moment I walked in the door, his mother jumps (for her it was a jump) out of her seat and shouts "Well. I guess you don't NEED ME anymore" Embarassing not only me, but Eshallet as well. I felt terrible. Their neighbor was there (he's on the ambulance) and it was just bad. I didn't even get the chance to say hello to her...I just walked in and before I could say anything she freaked. anyhoo...that's mild compare to other things.
What Eshallet and I have come down to, that she makes life difficult sometimes, but all that really and truly matters is what he and I feel for each other. Don't get me wrong, it's quite frustrating sometimes. Their reasons to dislike me are so silly and ignorant. Wanna guess why? Yep, because "i'm a devil worshipper" :rollseye: His brother is born again and well, I'm evil. :lol: But it's because of my evilness that Eshallet loves me so. :D

Hang in there. Do your best to be polite and respectful. Hopefully your situation will turn out better than mine. :D

[DammeNoire]

Hey

Just want to say you that!!!!!!
Listen to me??? You are dating him, not his mother. He is important in your live, not her!
I believe it would be much easier 4 you if she liked you, but she don't!!!! The problem is in her, not in you! So don't you worry too much. You have probably done everything to get on good with her. If she don't know how to respect that......she is making you a big injustice. I'm telling this, because i have got a boyfriend and he want me to meat his mother. And I'm very afraid that it will happened the same problem to me. I usually see problems :)

And about years......that is only a number !!!! remember that 4 ever!!!!
The only important thing is that you love him and that he loves you!!!!! I mean it!

I wish you luck!

[Ceallach]

Have patience with her and try to show respect even though its very hard. If you are meant to be with him, you will make it. I tried with my mother in law and she still hates me. But thats cuz I'm sane and she's not. Seriously, would a sane mother send a birthday card to her son with a bloody heart on it saying that she loves him so much it hurts? Come on, lets get a grip here!

Good luck dear!

[MoonRaven]

Things were the same way with my BF's mom when we first got together, nearly 3 years ago. She couldn't stand me because I wasn't the super-polite little kid who did everything she wanted and was all smiles for it. It was to the point where one night she told him that I wasn't allowed over on weekends anymore. I think for 4 months after that I never even saw her face, because we spent all our time at my place. The problem was she was still hooked on his last GF, who was in Australia (things were great until they met IRL), to the point where they still call each other, and she sends her stuff on her birthday (last year my BF wouldn't even have got a card if he wasn't there to remind her THAT DAY). I'm not sure she knows when my birthday is.
Anyway, it got to a point where my BF got in an argument with her that ended with "Well sorry but she's NOT ERICA!" These days, she really does make an effort to get along with me, despite all the nasty stuff she said behind my back. She even took us out to dinner last week (and we turned the surprise on her by paying). Once she realized I wasn't going anywhere, I guess she decided it was time to stop acting so childish and just accept it.

Be patient, and your BF's mother may come around to reality too.

[Thistle]

Hang in there. Do your best to be polite and respectful. Hopefully your situation will turn out better than mine. :D

Well said!!! Here's a different perspective. I'm the mom in one of these situations, so I can tell you some things *not* to do.

Don't try to drive a wedge between your BF and his parents.
Don't lie to your BF about his parents and make baseless accusations.
Don't be condescending or a know-it-all to his parents.
If your BF's parents tell you not to do something in their home, don't do it.

These are things my daughter's BF did to my husband and me. They are the reason we don't like him, and they are the reason we have not spoken to her in amost a year. I could have accepted him if he hadn't chosen to mistreat us. It's a sad and extreme situation.

Sometimes parents have a legitimate reason to dislike their offspring's significant other. Don't give them one. You don't seem like that kind of person from your posts, though.

If you are patient, polite, kind, and respectful, his mom will be more likely to come around than she will be if you aren't. Your boyfriend's mom may not be especially important in your life, but she is important in his life. Acknowledging that will make you look better to both of them.

I hope this helps a little, and that you can work this out to everyone's satisfaction. Good luck!

[Garnet]

He's 19. Hmmmmmmmmm...........................
Is he the youngest? She may be especially protective of her 'baby'.
Maybe there are other circumstances to consider, too.
My Dad hated the guys I dated until I was in my late 20s. His only excuse was, "I'm a guy & I know what guys are like." Maybe she thinks of him as innocent, naive, vulnerable & doesn't want him to be hurt...by anyone, not just by you.
Maybe he's recently come out of a hurtful relationship, & mom is feeling especially protective of him right now.
Maybe some one else in his family has some issues that are clouding your relationship. My sister was famous telling my mother that the guys I was dating were only after me for my paycheck. When she was dating someone she didn't care who I was with & why, but if she was 'alone', each guy I dated made the devil look like a prince, according to her.
Maybe his mom just thinks he's too young to be seriously involved right now, that he should finish school, get a job, see the world first.
Maybe she is just frosted that he spends so much time on the phone/online.
I think he's got to listen to mom awhile & see if there is a reason for her disliking you, other than 'just because'. Maybe it's something the two of you can figure out & overcome.
Good luck, sweetie.

[MzNeko]

Seriously, would a sane mother send a birthday card to her son with a bloody heart on it saying that she loves him so much it hurts? Come on, lets get a grip here!

Eeeek! That sounds so... freaky-stalker-ish!

[Phoenix]

Thank you everyone for your great advice and thoughtful words. As some of you have guessed the situation is more complicated. He is the youngest child, his father died just this past february, his sister lives far away and his brother just moved out. So I think a great deal of anxiety on his mother's part may be because of the fear that she'll be left alone, along with the added stress of trying to keep her family together without her husband. So I'm trying to be patient and work things out. The long distance thing doesn't help because I can't show her how good I am to her son and that we really belong together. The thing that really bothers me is that she doesn't want him to come and see me, I'm afraid that we can't keep a long distance relationship together if we never see each other no matter how much we love each other. But I love him too much not to try.

[Thistle]

I think the death of your boyfriend's dad earlier this year makes a big difference. Probably, your boyfriend and his mom are both still dealing with grief over this. It can take a long time to deal with the loss of a loved one.

So it's good that you're willing to be patient. Right now, his mom may be feeling abandoned. Having him go visit you may feel to her like just one more loss that she can't stand right now.

Under the circumstances, she probably doesn't hate you, she just has a lot on her plate right now. If you give her time, and kindness, she'll probably come around.

Is there any way you could go see him instead of having him come to see you? Good luck, hun, I hope you can work all this out.

[writitive]

Take the high road. Always be nice and polite to her. She'll either warm up or not, but he'll see you in a good light. :lilangel:

Trust me- this is coming from one who's in-laws hate her ( I'm too much of an opinionated, strong, independent woman for their tastes).

I know how that is...man, my MIL, bless her, cannot stand me. She's basically a nice person, but she thinks I've corrupted and stolen away her only child. Someone needs to point out to her that he was corrupted WAY before I got ahold of him! At least my FIL is a lot nicer to me. We like to share a pitcher of margaritas and just shoot the breeze.

[Joshua]

The long distance thing doesn't help because I can't show her how good I am to her son and that we really belong together.

So, what do you mean by long distance? Have you ever had face time with your boyfriend? Just curious

[Phoenix]

So, what do you mean by long distance? Have you ever had face time with your boyfriend? Just curious

We've had some time together but not much. We're both university students and money is a bit of an issue so its hard to get to see each other that often.

[Joshua]

Okay. Money is a big issue and probably always will be. But that's a whole other thread. So let's just forget about money, distance, parents, and all other considerations for just a minute.

I know you guys are young, but have you talked about getting married?

Hold up, all of you in the "they're too young" crowd. Hear me out.

Let me tell you, I met my wife when I was 19 and I knew I was going to spend my life with her. I married her a year later and now we're coming up on our ninth anniversary. If you really know that you're right for each other, just tie the knot.

Now for the caveat. Marriage is hard. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife more than anything, but getting married is far and away the hardest, most demanding, high-maintenance thing I've ever done.

So why do it? Becuase if you do it right, it's also the best thing you could ever do. For me, the rewards of being married are commensurate with the effort my wife and I put into it. Sure I work hard to maintain my marriage, we both do, but it is definitely worth it!

Yes distance, and different universities, and money yada yada yada, I know. If you two really come together, you will be better able to solve your problems. If you do it right, marriage makes you more than the sum of your parts. Blessings and good luck!

[skatha_mare]

I know how that is...man, my MIL, bless her, cannot stand me. She's basically a nice person, but she thinks I've corrupted and stolen away her only child. Someone needs to point out to her that he was corrupted WAY before I got ahold of him!


Add that I put "Hexes" on her to make her "sick" :devil:

[Flar's Freyja]

I've just started a long distance relationship with this guy that I really love, he's sweet and sensitive and he practically worships the ground that I walk on. The only problem is he's 19 (I'm 21) and lives with his mother while he's going to university. She, however, seems to hate me. She doesn't want him to come see him and keeps telling him not to bother with me because I'm just going to leave him. I don't know what to do, I love him so much but this whole situation frustrates both of us to the point where we start doubting ourselves and our ability to make this work. Please help.

You can tell a lot about a man by observing his relationship with his mother, and it sounds like it's a dysfunctional one. If he won't stand up to her, run as fast as you can because it's not likely that this will change until she's done some serious damage to his life and relationships, and even then it may not.

Sorry that I don't have anything more positive to say, but I've had several similar experiences and the relationships turned out not to be worth the effort.