Rule by (Insert fear or love here)?

[9-2-2]

Were you raised in an environment of fear, love, or a mix of both? And when raising a child, how do you define fear, and love?

The first few years of my life were years of love, which quickly spiraled into fear until I was 18. I had a lot of rocky times, and I still do... but at least I'm free.

I don't really blame my old man. The best way (the only way?) he knew how to raise me was by fear. He was in the military for 20 years, and with me being a girl - not the hard-assed Republican God-Man-and-Country football-lovin' boy he wanted - he was often left confused about how to raise me. Most girls I knew and saw on TV and everywhere else in public life were raised with fake makeup, Barbie dolls, playing house, having teacup parties, sleepovers, housecleaning, etc. I grew up playing video games, beating up boys, building sod forts past bedtime, climbing trees (and falling out of them :rolleyes: ), playing war games, etc. Tomboy au naturale. :p

My dad denied wishing I was a boy, but I knew he did because of the way he raised me. I believe in discipline with children, but not to the point where your mere presence evokes fear inside them, or if you leave them with welts, blood, and bruises...

[Desert_Yaqui]

Wow. This thread really struck home with me. We have a lot in common, my friend. I too am (the first born daughter) of a military man and I should have been a boy... In fact, by the time my mom had her third child (another girl, after already having had two girls..) he actually asked her if that was all she knew how to make...Heck, the first toy in my memory was an Army Jeep with a huge white star on the hood.

...but not to the point where your mere presence evokes fear inside them, or if you leave them with welts, blood, and bruises...

Yep, had more than my fair share of those! I was raised by the belt and I still instinctively cringe when I hear a belt buckle being undone. Back in the days when I went to school (mid 70s) no one really made a huge fuss about child abuse like they do now. Nowadays things are different...

But even still I believe the line between child abuse and discipline is not a fine line, it is clear and very defined. A smack on the bottom is NOT the same as a lash with a belt. A pinch on the arm is NOT the same as a full facial slap. Taking the time to explain "why" to a child is NOT the same as verbally insulting a child.

While I do not advocate child abuse because of my personal experience, I do believe that a child needs to have boundaries. Strict boundaries reinforced with love. How else can they make real decisions for themselves? I may be off-base with this next statement, but we now have an entire generation of children reared without any real form of discipline and I think it shows... Any other thoughts on this?

[DanuMoonrunner]

I was never physically abused by my parents, but my mother was and still is an uncaring spiteful person. My Daddy on the other hand was a warm, loving, caring, gentle man. I guess they must have balanced each other out. My 1st husband was very abusive and I really believe I was raised with him too as we married when we were only 17. It took me years and yes the dicovery of paganism to become unafraid of getting close, even though, or maybe this is why, I've been married 4 times! After divorcing my 1st husband, I didn't allow violence of any kind in my home. I did disipline my children, the spankings were few and far between and it usually more of a grounding style punishment. My kids are all wonderful, loving, caring and successful young adults now so I think maybe I did alright by them!

[SylverStar]

I don't really thnk I was raised with either. I was pretty much ignored as a child. No discpline, No love. I was free to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I was also A very braty child. I would throw a fit until I got my way (which didn't take long), even into my teenage years. I'm just a little spoiled, but I'm also very independant and self-reliant.

I really don't know how I turned out so good. I guess I formed morals at a very early age. I can't really remember in real influences except maybe books.

I think children should be raised in love. I think that will bring about the best results.

[Rae ShadowWolf]

I only knew love. My parents are both very loving people. My Mom went out of her way to show us that, and my Dad, though he didn't say much, we still shared daily chats at dinnertime at the table.

I never knew fear. Sure, we'd get scared if we saw Dad get pissed, but he never hit us (aside from a few slaps from the belt when we were REALLY bad). Mom would yell, but never physically hurt us (again, aside from the belt).

My parents looked out for us all the time, they still do.

[FeatherGoblinglimmer]

I plan to bring my daughter up in an environment of love and respect. I want her to know her boundaries yes. Ad i want to respect me an d my partner, but i never want her to fear us, that would break my heart.I want our home to be a place where she feels safe and loved. When she is oler, there will be house rules that we all agree on, we shall sit down and discuss things properly. There will be curfew times, bedtimes, housework, that kind of thing, but they shall be reasonably decided between us all.That way she can feel like she has a say, a voice, in the household. When i was small my parents were v. strict and they were always changing there minds on what i could and couldn't do day by day. I don't want to be like that with Milly.

[9-2-2]

I may be off-base with this next statement, but we now have an entire generation of children reared without any real form of discipline and I think it shows... Any other thoughts on this?

I agree completely. We've now go a bunch of yo-yo's running around in school... my fiance has a 5 yr.-old son, who says they're listening to rap in kindergarten... bitches, hos, benjamins, the whole works. A fellow classmate even threatened to bring a gun to school and shoot him one day, over an argument with crayons... what the hell?! :rant:

[VelvetBlade]

I think there definately has to be a combination of both. But I don't think it should be fear of a parent...I think it should be fear of the repercussions of your actions.

~AW

[NightBathen]

If You Dont Eat Your Meat..........you Cant Have Any Pudding!!!
How Can You Have Any Pudding If You Dont Eat Your Meat?

[Jenne]

Hmmm...Interesting response, SL...

Well, I know I was loved and AM STILL loved by my folks, but they ruled with the fist veiled by the velvet glove. That fist slammed hard when it wanted to (usually with verbal abuse) and the glove was benign and usually left you alone. When my dad started making money, they started to just throw money at us instead of having much of a real relationship with us. They are very low on the "praise" issue--they'd rather yell at you for your (supposed) mistakes than tell you how proud of you they are and what they like about you. They'll tell you they love you, but never that they like you.

I have major problems as an adult with my parents, mostly because it's so obvious now that they can't control me. Even with their money. It galls me that they still expect to, that they still want a little mindless zombie for a daughter. I basically have a very shallow relationship with them, because that's the way they want it. They are the "don't ask, don't tell" parents. They want to assume you are doing what they wish you to be doing, and if you say to the contrary, they shout you down or ignore you.

I love them, I accept them for their faults, I just get frustrated with how inflexible they are. They were good to me growing up, and they are still good to me. We're just not honest enough to have a really intimate relationship, and seeing the potential for that, this saddens me to no end.

[Jax]

Were you raised in an environment of fear, love, or a mix of both? And when raising a child, how do you define fear, and love?

The first few years of my life were years of love, which quickly spiraled into fear until I was 18. I had a lot of rocky times, and I still do... but at least I'm free.

I don't really blame my old man. The best way (the only way?) he knew how to raise me was by fear. He was in the military for 20 years, and with me being a girl - not the hard-assed Republican God-Man-and-Country football-lovin' boy he wanted - he was often left confused about how to raise me. Most girls I knew and saw on TV and everywhere else in public life were raised with fake makeup, Barbie dolls, playing house, having teacup parties, sleepovers, housecleaning, etc. I grew up playing video games, beating up boys, building sod forts past bedtime, climbing trees (and falling out of them :rolleyes: ), playing war games, etc. Tomboy au naturale. :p

My dad denied wishing I was a boy, but I knew he did because of the way he raised me. I believe in discipline with children, but not to the point where your mere presence evokes fear inside them, or if you leave them with welts, blood, and bruises...
Your post has made my heart sink ,9-2-2 :awwman:
I am very lucky to have been raised in a household full of love. We had 'discipline', but not of the negative and detrimental type. We had boundries and explanations (lots of!). I try and bring my three children up in the same framework that my parents did with myself and sister. Of course, not all parents are perfect and we all make mistakes! We are only human after all! As long as we do our up-most best then hopefully not much can go wrong!!????????

<beating up boys, building sod forts past bedtime, climbing trees (and falling out of them :rolleyes: ), playing war games, etc. Tomboy au naturale. :p>
Snap!!! me too!LOL!!! Although I did have dolls, tea-sets and played house!LOL!! No make-up or Barbies for me though!LOL!!

[MotherMoon]

I was raised in fear. My sisters and I were 'trained' to behave. My mother would set us down (this was when were like 2 yrs. old) at the table, put something she knew we would want on the table, and 'train' us not to touch it. If we did, we were punished. But of course, we were the best behaved kids at church! *rolleyes*

I believe that children should be raised in LOVE. I do not plan for my daughter to be affraid of me...ever. It would break my heart if she ever was.

[9-2-2]

I wonder how many parents who strongly discipline their children ever sit down and talk to them about things like this? Like, "When I enter a room, do you feel warmed by my presence, or nervous?" When my old man entered the room, I didn't feel nervous; I felt aversion. He's different now, and we're neutral to each other. That's because we're out of each other's hair. :)

[FaeFollower]

It's so hard for me to imagine a home that is not very close and loving, because my parents always raised us to be very close and trusting of them. My dad was raised in a more fear-based household, and we never see my dad's parents anymore, and he only speaks to them when its unavoidable. I hope I'm never like that with my parents. But my dad and my uncle both turned out to be really wonderful guys, so I guess there is more than one way to raise children...But I always look forward to talking to my parents every day, and I think that's a good thing. It does make it harder for us to leave home and 'stretch our wings', so to speak. My sister is coming home next semester because she hated living away from home...Eventually we're going to have to grow up, and none of us want to. I dunno...It's nice to know that my parents will always be here for us though.

[9-2-2]

It's so hard for me to imagine a home that is not very close and loving, because my parents always raised us to be very close and trusting of them. My dad was raised in a more fear-based household, and we never see my dad's parents anymore, and he only speaks to them when its unavoidable. I hope I'm never like that with my parents. But my dad and my uncle both turned out to be really wonderful guys, so I guess there is more than one way to raise children...But I always look forward to talking to my parents every day, and I think that's a good thing. It does make it harder for us to leave home and 'stretch our wings', so to speak. My sister is coming home next semester because she hated living away from home...Eventually we're going to have to grow up, and none of us want to. I dunno...It's nice to know that my parents will always be here for us though.

You know, hearing about families like yours restores some faith I have for humanity. And there's not a whole lot left. :)

[Valnorran]

I voted to balance the two. I was raised with love and discipline. I was spanked. In fact, two wooden cooking spoons met their demise across my backside. I cannot think of I time when I was unjustly spanked. Every time I got, I deserved it. I'd defy mom even when I knew I was going to get it. My temper would overcome my better judgment. With my kids I will explain why they shouldn't do something. Depending on the severity, I'll explain it one or two more times. If they persist then it is a clear act of defiance and punish them accordingly. Sometimes I spank them. If it's really bad I'll use a wooden paddle. There are times when that is the only thing that they'll take seriously.

For those of you who think you fathers really wished you were boys, let me throw this out for your consideration. Maybe, being guys, they just didn't know how to relate to little girls. When it came to toys and activities, maybe all they knew or understood was what they liked when they were children. Just a random little thought that crossed my mind as I read your posts.

[Desert_Yaqui]

For those of you who think you fathers really wished you were boys, let me throw this out for your consideration. Maybe, being guys, they just didn't know how to relate to little girls. When it came to toys and activities, maybe all they knew or understood was what they liked when they were children. Just a random little thought that crossed my mind as I read your posts.


Valnorran, while I would like to believe this; for my father it is more of a 'culture' thing--a machismo MUST have a SON. I am the oldest of five and he treats the two boys VERY differently from the girls--VERY.

[DragonsChest]

I voted to balance the two. I was raised with love and discipline. I was spanked. In fact, two wooden cooking spoons met their demise across my backside. I cannot think of I time when I was unjustly spanked. Every time I got, I deserved it. I'd defy mom even when I knew I was going to get it. My temper would overcome my better judgment. With my kids I will explain why they shouldn't do something. Depending on the severity, I'll explain it one or two more times. If they persist then it is a clear act of defiance and punish them accordingly. Sometimes I spank them. If it's really bad I'll use a wooden paddle. There are times when that is the only thing that they'll take seriously.

I agree with you, Valnorran. I had a wonderful childhood, a balance of both love and discipline. My family was a military one, Air Force, and it was great. My husband and I have raised our two kids, 16 and 13, with the same methods, and they are well-behaved, self-assured, happy kids. My adult friends are pleased to be around them, and the kiddos know how to behave in public.

I am their mother, not their best friend, although as they grow up, that balance is beginning to switch and when they are adults, I hope to have the same relationship with them that I have with my folks, now they are my friends, when I needed parents - that 's what they were.

I am a firm believer that with children, the behaviour you allow, is the behaviour you endure.

[morrigen]

They'll tell you they love you, but never that they like you.

I basically have a very shallow relationship with them, because that's the way they want it. They are the "don't ask, don't tell" parents. They want to assume you are doing what they wish you to be doing, and if you say to the contrary, they shout you down or ignore you.

I love them, I accept them for their faults, I just get frustrated with how inflexible they are. They were good to me growing up, and they are still good to me. We're just not honest enough to have a really intimate relationship, and seeing the potential for that, this saddens me to no end.


I never realised, till Jenne said it here...this is exactly the problem with my parents...."but never that they like you"

At the age of 32, they still let me know I am a dissapointment. Despite a successful career as a chef, then a university degree in Sociology, they never said they were proud of me...only when I had my son did they say that. It was galling that the only time they were proud was when I did something that fit into their idea of what a woman should do. My mother recently asked me (honestly, she did) "why can't you just be normal?"

What on earth does one say to that?

The only thing I want for my son is happiness....whatever that is for him. Not for him to conform to some pre-conceived set of ideas that I formed without even considering his individual personality -sigh-

I'll stop now, don't wanna rant to much.