Thorferrer's Alter

[Thorferrer]

If I may set up here, this is the only safe place I have right now and hopefully it will be my first true safe haven. Heavenly Creators and Great Ones, I pray you watch this humble space and bless it so we can share in all dimensions, aspects, and realms. Come into my essence, I invite you with open arms, Steph.

[Thorferrer]

Heavenly Creators, thank you for the wealth of potential you have placed upon me, for the tools to use this potential, and for the people around me to help me realize this potential. Now I call a for an act of proof, help me light the fire of this potential. I realize once lit, it will hopefull burn almost ever amazing, please help the initiation. You and I both know at what levels I will have to perform to between now and the 15, and if you've been watching, my first task has become little more than a learning experience, of which that too was almost failed.

[Thorferrer]

Heavenly bodies, I ask for the help to complete what I am working on, to actually make large progressional gains, to concentrate, focus and not delve into irrelevant issues right now. You helping grace please.

[Thorferrer]

It seems so simple, maybe because it is, this energy just has to be focused, to be channelled. I sit here, close my eyes, and think, why is it happening like this, why is the wrong path that much easier to choose?

.....

Ok, I am starting to understand, starting to see how easy it really is.

when looking at it as a whole, it is monumental (well, at least maybe that's how it appears) in difference, difference between lots of progress or not having anything to to show for the time.
....
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but, when I look at each little decision, it is easier to choose the right one when I am not daunted by the whole group of previous wrong decisions,

Hmmm,,,,...

I wish I could crawl into a shell where I didn't have these addictive pressures keeping me from doing what I need to.

[Thorferrer]

why have I waited until 4:10 in the morning, when I can barely spell and I have a headache coming on to finally get going. It doesn't feel like I had a choice, but more like I finally have the opportunity. Am I supposed to be learning something specific from this? On the other hands, thank you real lots, it's better to have it start to work late than never at all.

[Thorferrer]

Heavenly creators, thank you. I will be getting this done soon and that will bring me one step closer to being able to devote more time to actually living and enjoying. Thank you from the extended blessings from my prof.s I don't know whether they know how much it means to me, but maybe, as they were students too. Thank you and bless them for me.

Also, thank you for Solitudes :)

[Thorferrer]

everything is working its way out, not sure how, although maybe I know that it I have many amazing gods and goddesses watching over me, helping to accomodate my mistakes :) Thank You! It is still going to be tight, but let's see if we can pull it off. You have done so much for me, now it is truly my turn to repsond, to show you how much I appreciate your help and blessed doings by not letting this second chance just slide away. Thank you.

PS. sometimes I feel like you are speeking to me through the music I am listening to, mostly Solitudes. Not sure if this is the case, but if it is, please feel free to continue connecting with your support.

[Thorferrer]

Yeeaaahhhh! the end to the first paper is just begining to be visibly near, like I can think almost everything that is left to be done and then I will be done! And, it is only 3:15 (am) right now, which means plenty of morning candle left to burn. Yes, YES! *does a little happy dance in computer chair* Blessed ones, please continue the blessing for all those who are sending energy my way :)

[Thorferrer]

5:20am I am getting so close that it is getting scary. Most of the complicated compiling work is almost over, abstract is done, so is title page! This nightmare that I thought would never ever end in a good way may just be doing so after all. THANK YOU SO MUCH!


6:50 am Thank You THANK YOU! THANK YOU!!! (Done paper#1)

[Thorferrer]

aauugh, why am I so iritable. I'm doing this second paper, technically due today of course, and even though it is on a topic of alternative I fancy, I am so maddened by the fact that I have to work at it. Writing used to be so easy for me, know I despise doing it if it requires thought. Why am I so mad at the fact that we don'e have snow yet, and why do I want to change my career every 2 months. All I need is to stay focussed on three things, blacksmithing and criminology and relationships, SO WHY IS IT THAT I AM FOCUSSING ON EVERYTHING ELSE!! I feel spiritually dead, emotionally lost, and a whole bunch of I don't know but I don't like it. Makes me feel like sticking my hands into my chest and pulling everything apart to get at the anxious little feeling that seems to be the pit of it all.


stupid school stress syndrome

[Thorferrer]

I give thanks to Fire Earth Air Water and Spirit. You have made some impossible realities into my life and I am very grateful. I pray for immediate direction and guidance. This paper has so many options and I am having little luck deciding on the best path to follow. Thank you for hearing my prayers and wishes noble Gods.

[Thorferrer]

Thanks for your continuing support. Today you proved to me just how eloquent the natural forces can be, and how they can make things mesh so perfectly, absolutely totally perfect. Thank you for helping me grow to have things finished on time without needing to rely / ask for extensions. May your beauty and abundance continue to flow through me to make me a better image of myself, and bring greater achievements and confidences throughout. Many Thanks.

[Thorferrer]

I don't know what it is, well, I guess it is really the power of love, belief, and especially faith. I can feel these three from within my soul filling my empty void as if it were a dry creek just waiting to be enriched with the flowing springs of life. I was walking down that same path again, almost giving up again, so close to being gone, giving up on my self, where I was going and what I have invested. I remembered here, my haven, and for some strange reason I found my way back. Thank you for moving in me.

[Thorferrer]

Thank you for the power of freedom, for I will continue to be different, to walk my own will. Thank you for helping me find my true self, despite how burried it was. Thank you for helping empower me to create. Thank you for L, for she is truely a beautiful and amazing well of inspiration. Thank you for her friendship. Thank you for this community of awesome souls and caring hearts. Thank you for those who created this amazing banner. Thanks for those who strive to keep this haven safe. Thank you for pagans. I am wiccan, thank you.

[Thorferrer]

I lay myself down in your lands of sage and sweetgrass, how beautiful and serene it all is. How amazing it is to be even here, in a community so full of positive energy. Thank you for never giving up no matter in how many circles I walk before learning. Thank you,.........thank you...............*breath*...........thank you. So much beauty everywhere, all we have to do is look. You are amazing. So true and real. in my quest to find what's real and authentic in me, you have been ever helping. 10 Questions are posed and you could not be any clearer. Such clarity you give, and the compassion and faith. I can feel all of it. I need to step out and trust these wings you have given me. I can already invision myself soaring high in true balance of everything that is honestly meant to be. No cages or chains holding us down. I can make it if I truely follow my dream and use what you have given me to forge my future. Thank you for the new friend. Who would have thought that our two souls which seemed so drastically different at first appearance are in reality so congruent yet separated by a single steel thread of fate, that we'd be separated by so many years. Such a perfect union of friendship that I am convinced it could have only been conceived by your beautiful and pure touch. Oh how some ways seem so mysterious but in the right time become so evidently clear. patience. I think I am learning. Thank You

[Thorferrer]

wow, what an amazing past twelve or so hours it has been. Went to sleep after finding a friend I had thought had been lost, and this morning finished my first final about as well as the eagle can catch a breeze beneath his wings. So far, things are going well, but truth won't be told until later tonight. In another 8 hours I will be done my last final and will be free. Who would have thought that I would get all my finals on the first day of finals, all this talk of finals makes me wish i were finished, but the journey is too precious for that. So amazing it is. Thank you. It was so amazing to be open pagan with a christian last night. It perplexes me, great ancients, how christianity turned (for me) from this amazing light to a dark burden? There was no one defining moment, or was there. Maybe my first serious relationship, it definitely didn't get better from there. But it was more than that, it just didn't fit. The people fit, but not the living. This, Now, Here, THIS IS REAL. being able to worship you in forms of nature, sit unpon a rock or 100 feet up a tree. This is the beauty of your land my ancients. This whole land is a house of gods and godesses, a place of worship. Thank you for showing me the beauty of the journey. The destination is just details, the journey, that is everything!

[Thorferrer]

So here I sit, wondering why again, not that it's a mystery, I did sign up for another semester on my own free will, but I sure feel like I'm not enjoying it, not parts of it at least. The day dissapears and the progress is small, as if like a snail crawling in a constant circle trying to see its own tail. What does my future hold for me? Where is my path? Have I been in such denial of myself that I have clouded my very own line of sight. I knew my ambitions and goals, yet here I am, working in a life away from them. I am close to really making my dream reality, website going up, orders are there for the taking, but yet I am still dragged down by the anchor of alter reality, still flipping pages in texts and writing essays of things I care little about. I think this is normal but inside I feel that this play of life is drastically cancerous, destroying the vital life of me each minute I try to be something I am not. This isn't me, but it is security, education is security, but knowledge is what my heart is truely after, for knowledge is power. From this power can rise within me a pillar of strength unknown to most all, and I wish to harness it. Please, don't let my soul die, keep the fires burning bright. Thank you.

[Thorferrer]

Well, I made it through yesterday, I guess, 4 years now. So, for the past 4 years I've still been alive, I wonder what's in your plans for me? man o man, i can't get out what I want to say, still haven't got over it. Where is everyone anyways, so much hurt out there happening everyday, friends loosing friends, and yet, the pain doen't stop every day, where are we going to be left???????????????????????????????????????????

[Thorferrer]

Heavens, its been over two years, quite a journey on one hand, but on the other it seems that I haven't even found my way outside yet. Thank you for showing me some humility Creator, I will endeavor to let is foster. I have come to a conclusion that it is much easier for me to be an @sshole then about anything else, while at the same time being a self-engorged neophyte, wow is all I can say, thank you for opening my eyes, yes it has hurt like hell and yes it still stings, enough to make a man weep, but I thank you because I am starting to see what I haven't seen before. Thank you for the medicine wheel, it has been reminding me over the last couple of days what is important and where I need to go from here spiritually and in terms of inner growth. I realize now that I act so strong but really am weak. I lay this before you, in the hope you will continue to guide me.

Thank you for humility and I ask that I will continue to learn. I pray that your will is done, I realize now how this is fundamental and I no longer shall fight it like I have done for the last 8 years. I'm tired of fighting and putting up a front, its time to get real. I am pursuing our mutual goal, that is to say your will which is my best interest, which you already know, but it feels good to repeat it and put it in writing. To those acting aggressively towards me, or those that may feel they have to put a front up towards me, I hope they will eventually see that change is possible, and not only possible but honest in oneself.

I haven't actually felt this shaken, dare I say a bit scared in some time, I think this is the first time in a while that I have let go of this mask, the strong warrior mask and behind it is the anti-epitome of that, a man so weak in ways that he may be more akin to a child than a warrior. Thank you for humility again.

Thank you for the messenger that sent me a PM, at the time I dismissed it but now I see, in a way like a circle it has brought me back. I am so grateful.

Thank you for everything, I will be back much sooner this time.