Feeling tensed, unable to sleep, just restless.

[Ravenlynn]

I've been reading, praying and practicing some small spells for some time now. Haven't yet cast a circle or done rituals as of yet because I feel uncertain, don't want to make mistakes and can't really afford the proper tools. Yes, I know they aren't necessary, but still haven't done them because one reason is i'm not a north, south, east and west kind of person. I have no idea of where they are where I live. If I don't get that part right I think something will go wrong. I'm living with my fiance and 14 yr. old son and they have no problem with the path i've chosen.
When I practiced my meditation often I felt relaxed and more in tune with nature and those around me. But as of the past few months I'm unable to sleep. Feeling tense and quick to lose my temper. I also feel that I see someone watching me or i'm feeling someone watching me. This doesn't scare me. I've always felt someone watching me. I welcome it as a matter of fact. I've had very dear and loving family memeber's who've gone before me, even as a child of 5 I ran into my grandmothers home telling her I say my cousin floating over our house and she was an angel. I've done so many things just because for some reason I was told or just knew it was something I was suppose to do or some place i had to be. Once this saved an aunts life.
Don't mean to ramble. Now to the point. Now I feel out of, what's the word, out of sorts, restless, things are all jumbled up inside me. I try meditating, that works for sometime but not long I lose my concentration almost immediately. I can't hold on. My mind is constantly moving. My daughter has had some personal problems, this usually get's me in this mood.When something is wrong with a family member I get this feeling, so i'm thinking her problem isn't settled.
I wish to settle myself. I usually feel that i'm being watched over more often and more intense when something is wrong. Can you help.
Forgive the lengthyness of this.

[Ahautenites]

The North, South, East, West thing is easily solved. Which direction does the sun come up in the morning and where does it set at night? Point your right hand at sunrise and point your left at sunset. In front of you is north and behind you will be south. (If you need perfect accuracy, you can do what I did: get a cheap little floaty-globe compass, the kind you're supposed to suction to the dashboard of your car.)

As far as tools go.... the proper tools are props. If you feel you need them, get a cup and a plate from your kitchen cupboard, a knife from your flatware drawer (even paper plates and plastic cups and flatware work just fine) and find a stick from a tree. (Wisconsin has trees. I know they do. :p If you were in Arizona or New Mexico, then I might wonder....)

If you can't afford candles, don't use them. Draw or get a picture of a candle or else just use your imagination.

And from there.... announce to your deities that you're practicing and actually practice doing the ritual thing. Once you feel comfortable with what you've been practicing, you can stop and wait for whenever you feel is the appropriate time (like an esbat or sabbat) and hold ritual for real. You could even add a disclaimer asking Them to forgive any mistakes you might make.

Last but not least.... They know you're new at this. And They couldn't care less if you make mistakes. The fact that you honor Them at all and try to do your best is what counts.

[Ahautenites]

Can't really help with the ADD-like symptoms. I have the attention span of a distracted nit, myself. :)

[Ravenlynn]

Thank you for your response NeferSesemet.

[Jenett]

As far as directions, do you know which way the streets near where you live run? (I happen to live a block from a major E-W highway, so that helps). Otherwise, either watching the dawn/sunset, or getting a cheap compass both work just fine.

As far as ritual: one way to ease into it is to work step by step. So for example, many Wiccan ritual formats start by banishing negative energy from the space. You can do that and not go any further than that (or maybe banish negative energy, and invite positive energy, then stop: some people think leaving a vacum is not ideal, so when you take stuff out, put in the stuff you *want* there...) and then do that until you're comfortable, then move to the next step.

The steps I'd suggest, in Wiccan practice, would be something like: banishing your space, blessing your space, casting a circle, calling quarters, and then inviting deity to be present. (The last three steps should be undone when you're done with your work for that time, as well, in the reverse order of how you did it. )

[I hope that makes sense: I'm coming down with something nasty, and my brain is fried.]

Finally, about meditation, there are two tips I found useful for clearing my mind.

One is to do counting meditation - usually I'd inhale to the count of 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4. Counting the numbers in my head requires *just* enough focus that I don't easily get distracted. You can also simply count breaths, but I find that easier to get distracted.

The other is to visualise a symbol or representation of your thoughts floating away from you, like on a river near where you're standing or sitting. So if you're worried about your daughter, and think about her while you're trying to meditate, you would visualise her floating away peacefully, and tell yourself "I will think about her later." and turn your focus back to the meditaiton.