Balancing baby and husband

[Amethyst Rose]

I knew that having a baby would change my relationship with my husband....although, admitedly I didn't know in what way, exactly.
Anyway, I've been really tired, lately.... I feed Quintin every 2-3 hours, which means that between feeding him I have 1 or 2 hours to sleep myself, clean, cook, do laundry, catch up on email.... and this is if he manages to go to sleep between feedings. Unfortunately, I've been tired enough that absolutely nothing is getting done, and I'm still tired by the time it's time to go to bed.
I learned last night that my husband is starting to feel a little neglected. I wanted to sleep, but we hadn't had any time to ourselves all night, so he wanted to spend time with me....just cuddle or whatever. I felt so bad, because all I could think about was how much sleep I could manage to get, and how much I was missing out on by not going to sleep right away.
How do I manage to balance baby and husband? I feel bad that all my time and attention seems to go towards the baby....

[~*Ginger*~]

Your baby is brand new, right?
Your body has been through alot and does deserve to rest.

Do you have one of those baby swings?
Mine loved theirs.
Not that I left them in it for long periods of time, but they do come in handy when you need a little free hand and arm time.

It was hard for me to try to do everything that I usually did, and needed to be done.

The best advice, when I finally did give it a try, was to sleep while the baby sleeps.

You shouldn't feel bad that the baby needs attention.
He's just use to being in/with you.

Babies do take alot of time and attention.

Maybe get a baby-sitter to help, in times of wanting to spend time with your husband or clean the house.

[Amethyst Rose]

sleep while the baby sleeps

The thing is... if I do this then NOTHING would EVER get done. Don't get me wrong, I do have one afternoon nap, that lasts between 1-2 hours, but if I tried to sleep whenever he slept, all I would do is feed him and sleep. The monotony of my day is nearly driving me up the wall as it is..... I can't imagine doing even less than I already am. :)
My parents came up last weekend, and made my husband and I go away for 2 hours, while they watched the baby.... I was anxious the entire time, imagining my baby needing me.... that my parents wouldn't know what he likes to calm him down, etc. etc... So you see, even getting away from the baby with my husband still has me focusing more on the baby than him.
I'm just having a hard time finding the time for everything....balancing everything....just when I think I have a handle on it, something else comes up. And I don't want my husband being hurt because I don't have time for him....I don't want him to think that I care about him any less....
Uhg.

[~*Ginger*~]

All these things are normal for new mothers.
And I know how hard it is to go from being an active, to having to go to bed.
Right now you should let your body rest.

Right now that little baby lays there with you, just wait.
It won't be long before, you do get a chance to get everything done. And then turn around and that sweet little baby has 2x's the mess made that you just cleaned up!

Bless your heart!
It'll be ok.

[DragonLove]

I have some suggestions that may help.
There are several chores you can do around the house with your wee one via a Baby bjorn or similar carrier. Baby is close to where he wants to be and Mom gets things done. I understand that your hubby works but trust me, your job is alot tougher right now so ask him for help! Keep in mind it will get easier once you set a routine up and the baby sleeps through the night :D

[docdoo]

Hello all,
I agree with Dragonlove...ask your husband for help with some of the chores etc. In fact you can just explain to him that if he pitches in and give you a hand with the things that need done that you will be far more rested and have much more energy/time to spend with him.

Many times using that tactic will work. Also I get the feeling that your little one is still very little...a few weeks old perhaps? If thats the case then the demands being placed upon you right now are huge. From my experience newborns dont necessarily take up more time than a toddler but since the change is soooo drastic and our bodies are still recovering from what is a very tough condition it feels so much more difficult at this time.

In any case rest assured that although the load wont necessarily lighten as time goes by you will become more used to it and thus better able to juggle it. I would definatly enlist the help of your husband however and be firm in your requests with him. It simply is not fair to expect you to tend to it all when there is another adult living in the house...although if your hubby is anything like mine when mine pitches in he half-asses everything he does :rolleyes: Sometimes it just feels easier for me to do it all and spare myself the job of going after to him to 'do it right'.

Til next time

[Autumn]

Sometimes it is best to get him to help, but you have to look at how he goes about things...with mine if you want him to make dinner you have to tell him what to make and he'll be fine, but if you don't tell him what to make you'll wind up with an apple and a ham sandwich, or worse, nothing. I would almost rather deal with a half ass worker than walking in on "clean up the kitchen" to find out he has torn the stove apart and is scrubbing the burner pans!! fortunately he's learned better and knows not to go hog wild. husbands are multi talented and there are three definable chores that go on every day 1. meal prep 2. post meal cleanup 3.daily declutter and then there is laundry. maybe your husband can do the laundry (mine won't) maybe your hubby can do one or two of these without under or overdoing them. Talk with him about it and make it clear that if he wants more of your attention he's going to have to lighten the load in other places.

also take a hard look at your expectations around the house and try not to stress that things are not as tidy as pre baby. things will get better but remember Babies don't keep! they grow into toddlers and then kids and you'll wonder what happened to the darling sleeping in your arms....

[MotherMoon]

Look into getting a sling or pouch to carry the baby (hands free) during the day. This way you can hold the baby (and even feed him) while you're doing things like dishes, laundry, vacuuming, etc. Here are a few links to places that make/sell slings and pouches. :)

Fussybutt.com (http://www.fussybutt.com)
MayaWrap.com (http://www.mayawrap.com/)
Sophie's Snuggles (http://www.sophiessnuggles.com)
Peppermint.com (http://www.peppermint.com)
Kangaroo Korner (http://www.kangarookorner.com)

Using a sling or pouch will allow you to do a little house work, even if the baby isn't sleeping. Then you can sleep when the baby does, and have a little more energy for your hubby. :) Good Luck!

[Amethyst Rose]

Sometimes it is best to get him to help, but you have to look at how he goes about things...with mine if you want him to make dinner you have to tell him what to make and he'll be fine, but if you don't tell him what to make you'll wind up with an apple and a ham sandwich, or worse, nothing.

then there is laundry. maybe your husband can do the laundry (mine won't)

Well, at least if I ask my husband to cook dinner, I tend to get a nice fancy meal... (he loves to cook). However, at the end of the work day, he doesn't have enough energy to do much. Laundry..... no such luck. For one, I don't even think he knows how to use a washing machine.....two, our basement where the washer and dryer are is so scary, that he won't go down there. (I'm convinced we have mutants growing under the stairs....or at least spiders big enough to wear your shoes.)
We have a bunch of people coming over tomorrow afternoon, so he'll be helping me clean up the house tonight, even if it comes to my weilding a whip. :)

[Mau]

I have 3 boys..oldest is 3 1/2 yrs, middle is 2, and youngest is 2 mos! I am no longer myself..I am Mega baby-slave. Yes, hubbies do tend to feel neglected..but TOUGH. Your priorities are much different now. You have a very small helpless individual who is unable to talk or entertain itself..as well as not being able to eat, sleep,or go to the bathroom without you. The baby is 100% TOTALLY and completely dependent on you. And in the small time the baby leaves you..you have to try to take care of yourself so you aren't a zombie.
If hubby feels neglected, isn't getting your attention..then he can either whine and wait till the baby gets a bit older and leaves you more time...or he can do things that need done while you're feeding the baby..which leaves you less to do so you have a bit more time.
And the worrying about the baby while you're away..tell me about it. My 2 mo. old has a cleft palate..I'm the only one who knows how to feed him :( Leaving him with anyone, for any amount of time is hard. It may help to have someone come over during the day to help you and see how you do everything for the baby..this way, they'll have a better idea of what the baby likes/needs in different situations, and you'll feel much better leaving the baby with this person when you need mommy/daddy time.
Remember..it took two to make the baby..not just one should take care of it. You don't have to be the only one waking up during the night to feed the baby. Don't feel guilty for asking hubby to alternate with you. He may work, and need to sleep...but you work too..and babies are HARD work. If hubby complains..remind him that rested mommy is happy mommy..slave mommy is tired miserable mommy..and no one wants to live with that! LOL.

[DragonLove]

Is Hubby home on the weekends?

[Amethyst Rose]

Is Hubby home on the weekends?

Yes, and he helps out a lot during the weekends....spends a lot of the time with the baby, mostly.
I dont' have an issue with how much or how little my husband helps out around the house. He cooks when I ask him to, and he helped me clean the other day.
What bothers me is that because so much of my time and attention is taken up with the baby (which of course is expected), that my husband and I don't have time to ourselves anymore, and I don't want him to feel neglected or like he's less important to me.

You don't have to be the only one waking up during the night to feed the baby.
Well....I suppose if my husband lactated then I'd make him get up :). Hehe.... I am breastfeeding, even though I'm supplimenting as well, so I'm the only one who can feed him at the moment. When we switch to bottles, then that'll be a different story.

[Ben Trismegistus]

Dude, tell him to get over himself. Being a parent is tough, and despite my attempt to be egalitarian about it, I know for certain that my wife does a hell of a lot more work than I do. Babies are exhausting, and you can't be worried about your baby AND your husband. He'll just have to deal.

And the older your kid gets, the easier it will be to go out for an evening and get some grown-up time.

[Mau]

Well....I suppose if my husband lactated then I'd make him get up :). Hehe.... I am breastfeeding, even though I'm supplimenting as well, so I'm the only one who can feed him at the moment. When we switch to bottles, then that'll be a different story.
LOL! Sorry bout that..I hadn't taken that into consideration ;)
But, have you thought about pumps? You can pump during the day and maybe let hubby feed baby that from bottles at night?
Where there's a will there's a way..:D

[docdoo]

I breastfed 2 of my 3 children so I know where you are coming from :) What I did was buy a pump and just express some milk...you can freeze it for several weeks at a time. Anyway it worked really well for me because Saturday nights I would just point him to the freezer and tell him to have at it while I slept the night through. This worked pretty well for me (though I had to hear him complain about how tired HE was on Sunday :rolleyes: )

Anyway just an idea, hope this resolves itself for you
Til next time,

[BethieRose]

Depending on how old the baby is (younger than 4-6 weeks), you may want to feed the expressed bm with a syringe or a spoon instead of a bottle. There's information about alternatives to bottlefeeding at this website: http://www.kellymom.com/bf/pumping/alternative-feeding.html

If you decide to pump there's good information about milk storage at http://www.kellymom.com/bf/pumping/bf-links-milkstorage.html

HOpe those help.

Honestly, my first instinct was much like Ben's was....The baby needs your time and attention NOW. In time, that will lessen. Until then, finding things to do as a family may help. We often snuggled in bed altogether, especially nice while baby was nursing in the mornings. I'd basically be in the middle of the threeway snuggle.

It takes creativity to stay connected when you have so much on your plate, but I don't think you ought to be stressing out about it at this point. Let the house get a bit messy, and devote your energies to your own healing and baby's needs.

Good luck!

[Autumn Clair]

Your a tired new mom. Congrads. Maybe a nice relaxing bath will settle you. Close your eyes, let him play with the baby, it doesn't help if the baby is sleeping for him. Encourage him to do things with the baby. My husband loves sports and we have two children you learn quickly they won't offer you need to ask and let them know their doing a great job. He'll do it more cause he likes what he's hearing,he's getting your attention but through being daddy. You deserve sleep and relaxing, it's a long road and with the two of you working together you'll find you'll get the time but it's not just two anymore it's three.
Good Luck!
And by the way next year around say August, I might need this pep talk back. We're thinking of a third child.

[tinuviel42]

Have you tried talking to your husband about it? I mean, obviously, you've had some conversations on the subject, but have you really sat down and discussed it with him? Does he realize just HOW exhausted you are? I have 2 children, by the way, ages 2 and 4, and I really do believe that it does get easier. Once they don't have to be physically connected to you for almost the whole day, you can at least sit and watch them play. And my kid brother is only 10, so I'm also able to see my mom, and how very much more free time she has now that he can more or less take care of himself. Remind your husband that they're not that little forever.

[/QUOTE]Being a parent is tough, and despite my attempt to be egalitarian about it, I know for certain that my wife does a hell of a lot more work than I do. [QUOTE]

It's so nice to hear a man say this, by the way.

Do you have any close friends that you can talk to? You sound incredibly stressed out, which I can very much relate to, and sometimes it helps just to have someone there to listen to you rant for a little while. Good luck :)

[Old Witch]

From an Old Witch who had three babies........Hubby is gonna have to learn to deal with it. Unless you get major household help, It's gonna be you and the baby, and the hubby is gonna feel left out......And if he needs a visual aid, have him stand up, pick up the baby, hold it up next to him.....and ask him who does he think needs you more.....
And yeah, he comes home tired.......but you just recently pushed a whole new human being out of your body that is totally dependent on you........The man can take up the slack.......

Ahhhh......see! You got me started!.........I'm shutting up now............