My dearest Lord and Lady.

[Laurelei]

I long to write, but always have the fear of it being discovered. I fear ridicule from my parents, from friends who might look round my room and open my BoS. So, I write here.

I haven't seen you in the longest, my daily devotionals have turned a little sour. Why do they feel meaningless? Maybe I don't mean it, maybe my day to day goals have changed. I feel, you know, like something is amiss. Sometimes I feel like I'm weighed down in my learning. What happened to frivolous spells, simple circles? What happened to dancing with dragons, or sitting on an astral couch chatting over a cup of astral coffee to Moonbrush. And where IS Moonbrush? I wonder wether he's hibernating, but he never said that he would hibernate. He said over winter he had very little to do, his trees were sleeping soundly. I miss his words of encouragement and his peaceful snoozing in the corner of my room.

And what of Nancy? Did she realise her welcome was outstayed, or did she really go off with the snake-man. And what of him? I haven't seen him since he came for help and I hope he's OK. All my astral friends disappear on me and I wake up to find I've got a bedroom full of faeries who have been doing their best to ruin my life, though I don't know wether it's accidental.

But that's it for now. I'll update to you when I can. See you everywhere, Lord and Lady.

[Laurelei]

Ouch, I feel so crushed.

I thought I'd make a lovely tabletop gathering spot for the faeries. I got that pretty patterned sari cloth and set it on the chest of drawers, then I set the vase of peacock feathers down on it. It's the middle of the night, so I was very quiet to avoid disturbing my parents. I was very pleased with how the tabletop looked and got one of my contented musings that I tend to get. I picked up one of the peacock feathers and waved it around the room like a ceremonial duster. I felt very, inexplicably contented and then sat down to get back to the computer. Suddenly, my dad shouts at me from downsairs to 'shut that bloody row up' When I argue that it wasn't me, he shouts more. This has happened several times and each time I have been making no noise at all. What's going on?

Oh, how I'd like to live in the cellar, where no one can ever be heard. It would probably be feasable now that leak has been patched up. When we move I'll have the garage. I wonder if I could turn the garage into a temple?

Reo has run out of food, but I'm afraid to get her more because it will make a noise.

*sigh* When I had my Musing on I felt like writing beautiful poetry or imaginative stories. Now I feel so miserable it's infectious. No one really DOES understand me, do they? Apart from Ollie, but he doesn't count...

These new wrist warmers have done wonders for my feline side. Now I can slink around fluidly on all fours like I did when I was younger, but without the annoyance and disgust of getting crumbs or dirt on my hands.

You know how we've introduced compulsory outside trips for Max, for the good of his health? Well I've ended up having to do it with him, so he won't feel abandoned. It was freezing outside and I had 4 pairs of socks on and a fur coat, but I hadn't felt so close to nature for a long time. I'm almost looking forward to it tomorrow.

When I do go out tomorrow, Lord and Lady, please send your breezes through the trees to whisper reminders to do these things. Firstly, I want to check how the two holly seedlings are doing, I haven't seen them for a long time. Next, I want to check my rosemary and my 'twisty plant'. I haven't resued them since my mother moved them out, from shock nd denial. My room was so ruined by her, and picking up the peices was hazardous. They were abandoned. I must remember to tell them I still care about them, and see if there's anything I can salvage. The twisty plant seems OK, but the rosemary looks like it's on it's last legs. It was doing so well, and provided me much needed ingredients. Maybe if it's not dead I can ask the faeries to help it recover?

I'll leave this entry here for now. Please send my love to Moonbrush, wherever he is. I miss him terribly, and he would be able to help with the rosemary plant if he was here.

[Laurelei]

Thankyou, my Lord! And my Lady, though I don't feel your energy as strongly.

My Spirtual life is awake, and begun to meld with my physical life, which is one of my main goals. Moonbrush is back, and it feels so good to see him again! Faeries abound in my room, sat on my computer desk, and my once lonely space is bristling with life again! At school, I'm doing well, especially in the Science of your world. I feel as though I awake with the trees, and the Springtime breeze lifts my spirits.

But the sudden snow threatens to damage the waking trees, and Moonbrush has to work ever so hard to protect his plants. Please, lift the icy weather for the good of those plants. My own health connects with them, and I am starting to come down with a sore throat. My immunity wanes with the plants... Let my spirit soar. End this cold snap, give those trees mercy. And poor Moonbrush, who has come back from his Winter excursion to the mountains he once took me to only to have unnatural icy cold to protect them from.

What is wrong with Saffron, or whatever she was called? Why was she so ill tempered towards me? I wouldn't take it when she started discriminating against me for being human, and she left me with a very bad temper. I never knew her very well, she was just a friend of Moonbrush's, but she turns up with a fiery temper, insults me, and accuses me of something that I don't even know what. Is it something to do with Moonbrush? She'll know of my want for a guardian dragon. Do we have a misunderstanding of our relationship? I don't see Moonbrush as a guardian, I see him as a friend who has other responsibilities that don't include looking after me. Perhaps I'm wrong, perhaps I need a frank dicussion with him. But I can't speak to him now, because he's in the woods fending off frostbite from his trees. Please just lift the snow!

I'll leave this here. I just want to understand how these dragons work. Saffron has left me confused and angry, and I just want Moonbrush to have free time from his responsibilities to his woods. We are all so affected by the snow, and we are powerless to help each other because our energy is all at the mercy of this freak weather. It's in your hands now. You can help us. We must all rely on you.

[Laurelei]

Thankyou! Thankyou thankyou thankyou! Or as the Faeries said, "You're welcome". What a funny expression, in my culture humans say "you're welcome" in response to a thankyou! I think it's an abbreviation of "you're welcome into my heart and life", and I can see why that is a MUCH more sincere version of thankyou.

The snow is lifted, the Sun shines through. I noticed the shoots of Springtime flowers in the woods were bigger and greener than ever. Moonbrush has done a wonderful job and your nourishing energy turns my world into a sunny, flowering place. It seems Saffron has apologised, though her pride made it difficult to distinguish. It seems it was a case of mistaken loyalties. And with her comes one of her kin. He's bubbling with life, cocky, wild and clever, he is a fine little creature. And, interestingly, Moonbrush flows with paternal instinct for the creature. Perhaps it's because he's Earth orientated. It was a while before I realised I had seen him before, he was Morwens little friend who I saw several times before Morwen left for the skies.

My life is brimming with promise for the future, and every time the sun rests on my skin I am reminded of you and all you have given me. Thankyou, 'you're welcome'. If that means what it seems to, well, I truly mean it.

[Laurelei]

And my life improves yet, pushed forwards and upwards with your amazing energy. My Lady, it is good to see you properly. My Lord, thankyou is all I can say.

Suddenly I am feeling the prettiest, cleverest, happiest girl I know. How could I let myself got bogged down in self-hatred? I realise now, thanks to you. I understand.

I understand... I understand what I need to do. I understand the old Theology argument of Jesus's being the 'son of God'. I feel like it's possible to understand everything right now, as you do. My mental blocks have cleared, and all that's left is sunshine and contentment. The mental blocks towards my dedication are clear. I am ready. I'm ready to pledge myself your spiritual daughter, to move on and up. How could I ever have doubts? You've explained so much to me. My view on life is turned round and upside down. Positive thinking isn't self delusion- the magic is you become what you believe. You've helped me understand that too.

I don't fear any more. I don't fear my future, or other humans- I don't even fear Daelia any more.

I've found that it's difficult to live what I've been taught out there in the hectic world of school. The transition won't happen overnight. I'm finding it difficult to stand up to Jade. She think's she isn't a bully- but she is. Falling out with her isn't an option, so I'll have to take the hard route and steam right through her and leave her teasing me. I'm referring to the old apology problem. I can take taunts from her. I want to. I don't care what people think of me any more, so what do I care who they think I'm attracted to? I don't know. Fear of gossip will be hard to overcome.

I am through the world-view shift, and I've never been happier. Now I have to live it.

[Laurelei]

*throwing three of my Bonzai leaves to the wind* A bit of my own thriving, sent out to the world. Good will wherever they scatter.

My spiritual high continues, though I don't know when I will crash. I'm just enjoying each day as it comes. I didn't think it was possible to be going on 14 and not be mind numbingly depressed, but I'm still dancing.

Living my new view is so rewarding... more than I ever expected! So, up to phase two. Saying if I like something, it's what the world needs more of. Who doesn't want to hear a sincere compliment?

And yet there's nothhing better than being in your prescence. But I need to develop my sixth sense. It's not about seeing what isn't there, it's about sensing what IS there. I can see dragons, faeries, astral nasties, but I still can't tell if someone physical's watching me.

I had the most amazing blast of animal communication earlier. I was watching my cat's face intently, yet relaxing and not listening hard at all. My mother said some sort of baby-talk to him and I suddenly got this huge clear blast of "f*** off!" from my cat. Max would make a wondeful familiar if one day he learned to love. But no, he's damaged, foul mouthed, violent, and full of hate. Poor boy.

[Laurelei]

I am held up on a great swirling sea of optimism. The sharp rocks of unhappiness have become nothing but jelly. The sunlight of self-confidence shines upon me, and the cool breeze of modesty stops me burning.

I am drifting to that sleepy land of lakes and mountains almost nightly, renewing my body and nourishing my soul. Nothing feels better than to look upon your smiling faces, as you give me words of advice and intoxicating waves of loving energy. Falling asleep, curled up like a kitten between the paws of Moonbrush is truly wonderful. He is like the older brother I never had. I look back, to before I knew any of you, and I realise that finding religion was the best thing that ever happened to me. I would be nothing without you, Moonbrush, and Ollie.

Living the physical life is a dream at the moment, too. My options are sorted, and I can take a glance at my future and be pleased at what I see. Phase two of my little social revolution comes naturally, causing others to smile and me to feel good. I also believe I'm experiencing a very watered down version of love, too. Who knows? Not I. I'm developing a heightened state of consciousness, subconsciously analysing people's reactions. I have also found a group of other Wiccans who I practice my empathy with. For the first time in years, I'm feeling connected up with other people.

Your sun shines down upon me and I try to learn to like it's gentle touch. I have spent so long hiding from it, indoors in darkness, that it hurts when it shines upon me.

Even my artistic streak has been heightened, I have found myself drawing pictures, and this post is very embellished and prosaic.

Long live love, freedom and happiness!

[Laurelei]

They were right. You can't change something made of purely negative energy. At least, that's what I thought I decided. He did nothing. Yet they ripped him apart, dismantled him, tore his 'life' away. I went to see an interesting contraption on an Astral plane this afternoon, where people wishing to forget came to a walled pit and blasted the pain and anguish out of themselves, where it seeped to a disgusting mass beneath the ground. Slithering, disgusting, pure negative energy clawing up the walls of an underground cavern. Just looking at them whipped me into a violent frenzy. This was negative energy at is rawest, no glamours, no lies, no rose-tinted glasses. This is what they said he was.

I don't think he was. He was made from hatred towards others, but he must have picked up something else, some kind of compassion. They say you can't hide the truth from Dragons, they thought he was a threat to me. I never even got to say goodbye...

It was a bizarre episode, and I didn't like it one bit. I want to forget the whole thing. There's one person in the physical who can set my mind at rest, but I'm not going to phone her. Even if I do speak to her, she might not mention what I want to hear about...