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View Full Version : I'm scared... is that stupid?



FaerieGothMommy
January 5th, 2004, 05:51 AM
Okay, so i have an 18 month old little girl and i am 14 weeks pregnant, i am still very very young but thats not what i'm worried about! Thing is, i have a very strong bond with my daughter and i love her unconditionaly, and i am terrified that when this baby is born, my daughter will feel left out, or feel that mommy doesn't love her as much as before! I will try my hardest to involve her in everything, but of course, because i will be breastfeeding i will be paying alot of attention to the new baby. I'm always worried sick that i will love one more than the other, i know deep down that i won't, but i can't help worrying about it.
While most ppl stay awake at night worrying about finances, theres me worrying about this. I don't want mine & my daughters bond to be broken.

Am i stupid thinking this? Did or does anyone else felt/feel the same?

FGM

morrigen
January 5th, 2004, 06:20 AM
You are not stupid for worrying about this...in fact, I think that because *this* bothers you more than finances etc, it shows what a loving, compassionate soul you have. I had my little boy last May, and though he's going to be an only child, I feel my love for him has opened me up to the capacity to love everyone I care about so much more. I don't believe we have a finite capacity for love...instead of having to divide your love, you'll find you just have *more* love. Congrats on the bubby, you sound like a lovely mother :floating:

FaerieGothMommy
January 5th, 2004, 06:43 AM
You are not stupid for worrying about this...in fact, I think that because *this* bothers you more than finances etc, it shows what a loving, compassionate soul you have. I had my little boy last May, and though he's going to be an only child, I feel my love for him has opened me up to the capacity to love everyone I care about so much more. I don't believe we have a finite capacity for love...instead of having to divide your love, you'll find you just have *more* love. Congrats on the bubby, you sound like a lovely mother :floating:

Awww, thanks! :hugz:
I know, i keep having to think, my love will just grow, it won't divide! It's just a nagging worry i have alot of the time, especially before i go to sleep!
But thanks for your kind words, that really helped.

Scarlettvixen
January 5th, 2004, 07:25 AM
its a very legitimate worry hun
make sure u involve yr daughter in yr pregnancy
and when the baby is born make sure she gets some good time with mummy when there is no baby around
its hard juggling the needs of a baby and a toddler so good luck

lovemy1dane
January 5th, 2004, 09:36 AM
I had my kids 18 mo apart and my son did not feel left out. (at least not that he remembers anyway.) My only real advice for you is When kids are that close in age, they are VERY competitive! My kids are 13 and 12 and I still cannot get one kid something and not the other one. (maybe they are spoiled? Nah!!) :lol: Although, I bought my daughter a skirt the other day and my son complained, until I told him I would buy him a skirt too. Good luck with the babies and I am sure you are a great mommy!!!

G.H.O.S.T
January 5th, 2004, 02:55 PM
Thats not stupid, its a natural fear that 99.999999% of all parents who have multiple children have. You just have to try extra hard to love them both, it may help to sit down with your daughter and explain to her that you love her very much but you have to take care of the newborn so that she'll grow up big and strong. There will be a little bit of sibbling rivalry later on but thats not something you can avoid in any way.

13thChylde
January 5th, 2004, 03:59 PM
I had my kids 18 mo apart and my son did not feel left out. (at least not that he remembers anyway.) My only real advice for you is When kids are that close in age, they are VERY competitive! My kids are 13 and 12 and I still cannot get one kid something and not the other one. (maybe they are spoiled? Nah!!) :lol: Although, I bought my daughter a skirt the other day and my son complained, until I told him I would buy him a skirt too. Good luck with the babies and I am sure you are a great mommy!!!
Hey, they sound like my kids! I have a son and a daughter, born 14 months apart. They're called "Irish twins." Gah, I am sooooo tired of the competition thing...but it did make x-mas shopping easy!! They each got 1 bike, 1 puppy and 1 sports related item. My son liked skirts so much when he was younger I had to get him a kilt! :lol:

morrigen
January 5th, 2004, 08:34 PM
Awww, thanks! :hugz:
I know, i keep having to think, my love will just grow, it won't divide! It's just a nagging worry i have alot of the time, especially before i go to sleep!
But thanks for your kind words, that really helped.

Glad it helped...I'm learning that parenting is no easy job, and I found I don't do *anything* nowadays without wondering how it will affect the little guy. And that always leads to 100 different types of "what ifs" and my head just about explodes :lol:

But, you just have to do the best you can.

Witchzee1
January 5th, 2004, 09:18 PM
Just knowing you the little bit I do through this community, I'm sure that neither of your children will EVER feel unloved or even loved less than the other.

You are a very loving and caring person and the fact that you're worried about this at all just proves it.

Your daughter and your little one on the way are both very lucky to have you!

Brightest Blessings! and lots of :hugz:

Z

Calyx
January 5th, 2004, 10:19 PM
Hey hon, what you are worried about is completely normal, or at least I think it is because I went through the exact same thing! My two girls are 19.5 months apart and it was verrrry interesting when the youngest, Sara was born. Alex, the oldest was used to it being just her, and yet was also very excited about the new arrival. So she tended to be extremely jealous. She loved her and hated her at the same time--there was someone else taking Mommy's time from her! It turns out that I couldn't get Sara to breastfeed for some reason, so Daddy ended up taking on most of the responsibilities for Sara because Alex made it terrribly difficult to take care of her. We had to buy a playpen to put Sara in to keep her away from Alex. Alex tended to try to hurt her when we weren't looking. Of course, in time, she's grown out of this and now they are as thick as thieves! :) They do everything together--sleep in the same bed, take baths, eat, play, be destructive :hairraise etc. So the close ages end up being good.
And you will find that your love won't be divided at all--instead you will find that there are infinite depths of love in your heart that you never knew existed. You will love each of your children equally, but there will be special things about each one that will touch your heart in different ways. I don't know exactly how else to explain it, but I will say that you shouldn't be scared at all..... It will be wonderful! The fact that you are worried now does show what a loving and compassionate person you are.
If you need to talk further, just PM me and I'll be glad to chat.....

Blessings,
C

Aine of the Fae
January 5th, 2004, 10:31 PM
It's natural to worry. You'll be fine and so will your daughter. You are a wonderful person and your daughter knows you love her, though she may not show that through her teen years :lol: Try to include your daughter in the care of the baby as much as you feel safe with. Granted she won't be able to carry her and since your breastfeeding, feeding her is out of the question, but your daughter can (gently) help with bathing, changing (if she wants to...) and playing with the new baby. You'll do a wonderful job!

DarkSidhe
January 6th, 2004, 06:09 AM
I have two beautiful daughters who are two years apart (and 1 day) both will be 3 and 5 this coming Saturday and Sunday, so it's a little worse for us, because their birthdays are just one day apart. We've decided to have just one birthday for now, but with the way they compete, we might have to go with two separate birthdays, a day apart, who knows?

Our oldest never felt left out; we tell her that she is our 'favorite big girl' and tell our youngest that she is our 'favorite little girl'. The oldest, we couldn't keep her away from the baby, she wanted to help do everything. We would let her help out as much as she was able, she couldn't help with the breastfeeding, of course, but she would get to hang on to the burp towel or hold onto the new diaper before we put it on, etc. Now, they are inseperrable (not a good thing all the time...)

As everyone else has said, I wouldn't worry too much about it. I'm so happy for you!

FaerieGothMommy
January 6th, 2004, 06:52 AM
Thanks for all the advice guys, it's really put my mind at ease!
and, DarkSidhe, my kids will be 2yrs apart too. My daughters birthday is July 6th, and this baby is due July 1st. I'm not 100% sure on the due date though, as they still haven't given me a scan, and everything seems messed up right now.

But my daughter was due June 25th! So, anything could happen :)

Faery-Wings
January 6th, 2004, 08:28 AM
FGM, I think that is one of the biggest fears and concerns mother have the second time around. I know I went through it very intensely. To the poiunt where the night before I was being induced, I had a breakdown. I said that I had changed my mind, I was *not* having this baby to ruin my son's (#1 kid) life. Needless to say, as much as they bicker, they love each other very much. They are also 2 years apart, and I can attest to the competition thing as well. And it is kind of funny- My 5 yo daughter is tall and pretty mature and my son (7) is short and relatively immature (it's a boy thing hahaha) and many people ask me if they are twins.

My advice is that of the others who have posted. Keep your daughter as invovled as possible and make sure you spend time with just her whenever you can after the baby is born.

Many blessings to your family!

fahawk
January 10th, 2004, 11:07 AM
Yes!! I felt that way too, with each of my pregs.., how would I have enough time for each, enough love...but love keeps growing...the first months are always a time of adjustment for the family..but as time goes on, everything seems to fall into place..until the family melds...it works !! My two youngest are close in age, and it was hard at first, but now they are great playmates. congratulations!

Wayward Womyn
January 20th, 2004, 04:30 PM
Well I had my kids less than a year apart (!!) In fact, they are the same age for a month and a half every year. People always think they are twins, and I guess in some respects, they are.. I also worried that I would not be able to equally divide my love and attention, and I think there *were* some things that I just didn't get to do for my daughter that I got to do for my son, but I think that had more to do with other problems, rather than having them so close together. But, there has never been a question of whether I had enough love to go around.
My two are like night and day, and it can be a challenge, but we compromise, everyone gets a turn. When my daughter was first born, my son (who wasn't quite year) just really didn't know what the heck to think about that new baby, but he has always been very caring and attentive. One exampe - He'd get real upset if she dropped her bottle, even if *she* wasn't upset about it, pretty funny... They still take care of each other now that they're at 5 and 6. They have their own interests, but they miss each other terribly when they're apart.
I agree with involving your first child with your pregnancy and including her with taking care of the new baby, and also to spend special time together just the two of you. Likewise, you should spend special time with just your new baby and you! :) I think you'll find that when you show them how much you love the both of them, in their own special ways, and teach them to love and care for each other, you'll find that your bond with daughter is still there, and that you've both created a new bond as well with the new person in both your lives. :heartthro

Jenne
January 20th, 2004, 04:48 PM
Everyone already said what I was gonna say! I just made sure I saved some time for my first son so that he didn't feel like I spent all my time with my second son.

:hugz: Hang in there (lots of worries when we're expecting, huh?!)--you sound like a great mommy and your kids are lucky to have you as their mother! :)