Me ranting again.....am so fed up!!

[Pesha]

I know I have whinged and whimpered about my life here enough, but today I just need to put down what is driving me off the edge right now.

As some of you know I had knee joint replacement surgery last August and had hoped to get the othere knee fixed soon. Now I find out that the medicare insurance I got when I went on disability did not cover 800plus dollars to the hospital. It is bad enough I had to ask my kids to help me pay what medicare did not pay to my surgeon. I am so sick of being in pain and feeling usless all the time. Sure I sound depressed, I am depressed!! I try so hard not to show it to my friends, I try not to show it to my family, I am so damn tired. I am only 55. I can still do something usful in what is left of my life. But nope......I am in so much pain now with this bad leg going really bad on me that I barely manage to get around the house. It is just like it was when I had both knees bad. I limp so badly again due to the bad leg. I can never get my other leg fixed, with the money I owe the hosp. I am still trying to figure out how to finish paying off the anethesiologist. I hate my life, and just feel right now someone needs to take me out back and shoot me. Heck they shoot horses don't they?

I need to be able to do my craft. To be a proper healer. How can I do my work with my feeling like such a useless jerk. To be quite frank, last night I lay in bed and tried to think of how many blood pressure pills it would take to just kill me and that is not good. That is very bad. I usually work through crap like this but this problem with my legs has left me sick and fed up and miserable. Ah well I have whinged enough, please forgive me. I am not asking for anything just needed to put it into words. Please understand.

I have always been a person who cares and heals. Right now I feel useless and well what else can I say. I looked into supplemetal insurance but due to my being only 55 I cannot supplemet my medicare and oh yes I make 40dollars too much to get medicaide.

BB
DS.

[Aine of the Fae]

I can't do much to help, but I can send a bit of Reiki your way :)

[Noressa]

No help here, but I hope that everything turns out well.. Chronic pain, no matter how small or big sucks to huge degrees... I used to work in a nursing home, and there was lots of it to go around... It'll get better. :)

[Calyx]

Oh DS,
I really hate to hear that you are so down! You have such a kind and loving heart--you are a healer in more ways than you know.:hugz: Insurance and the doctors are so frustrating! Is there any way you can work out a payment plan with the hospital and the anesthesiologist that is affordable to you, and then maybe schedule surgery on the bad knee? Perhaps you've already tried this, I don't know. I am just throwing ideas out....

I am sending you some energy for healing, calm, and love. I know how it is to be stuck in a malfunctioning body. I can sympathize with you, but please believe it will get better!

Lots of hugs to you too! :huddle: If you need to talk, I am only a PM away.....

[Pesha]

Thankyou for the kind thoughts. I feel so foolish for having posted this. Just at the time I did I felt so awful. I need to seek solutions and stop whinging.

BB
DS.

[DragonsChest]

Thankyou for the kind thoughts. I feel so foolish for having posted this. Just at the time I did I felt so awful. I need to seek solutions and stop whinging.

BB
DS.


Whinging is when nothing is really wrong and you still complain. What you are doing is because you are actually hurting and it's a release valve to be able to talk about it. Don't berate yourself! Sending energy to you and thinking positive thoughts - hope you feel better very soon.

P.S.: I am very disillusioned with insurance myself right now, so didn't really want to go into that tangled mess. Feel for you, though!

[Lunacie]

That's pretty much what we have found, if you work at all you make too much to qualify for Medicaid, but can't afford anything serious medically if you don't have insurance. There are a lot of people in this country in the same dire straits, including me.

I'm sending Reiki for healing so you can bear to walk and stand and simply live, and hugs and energy for a way for you to get the surgery done pretty soon without going bankrupt.

[WandererInGray]

*hugs* Wish I could help more than this, *soft smile* all I can do is send you energy and my best wishes.

[lovemy1dane]

I am sending energy to you also. I have knee pain also so I kinda understand . I hope things get better for you.

[Goddess Rhiannon]

I am sending you lots of healing energy. :colorful:

[Joshua]

Really, DS, did you think anyone here would think you were whining? We are your friends. We know your heart. This is you letting us know what the problem is so we can try to help you. It's our turn to carry you. Sounds like you need some serious intervention. I think I can speak for all of us when I say feel free to pm anyone of us whenever you want.

Hey, everyone, isn't there a healing working being coordinated for every Friday? Let's all pitch in and bump DS up on that list, Okay?

[Aidron]

I quite literally know how you feel, Dragon, being an empath and living with my mother who just turned 61. Due to cancer, diabetes, arthritis and so many other illnesses under the sun and moon that I cannot even list, she often feels just as you do.

She is forever ranting "I WISH I could simply do things as I used to do, or to at least do them on my own, without any help, even if they are done half-assed." Trouble is, you can't. It's a very harsh thing to have to live through, that your body betrays you, becoming weak, easy prey for sickness, and lacking the energy that your spirit may still have. That is how nature works though, giving life and taking it away, recycling all things in a constant cycle. That is hardly a comforting thought, however. Who wouldn't want to be young, vibrant, strong and upbeat until they died.

You often can't help but feel, "I made it this far surviving the mess that is life, to finally achieve a point where I can relax, only to have my vitality taken from me." It's about as frustrating as things come. I suppose the bright side to it all is that after having lived so long you will be wiser, and have friends. The wisdom will grant you new insights on how to accomplish things, and the friends will be there to help you if your wisdom fails you (and it fails us all eventually!).

Cheer up though. As I was telling my mother earlier, alzheimers may actually be a blessing. As a reward for reaching such an age, nature grants you release from all the sorrows, pain, and grief you have lived through. Afterall, the only way to truly be free of any this without lingering effects is to remove the memory. Of course, it has its downsides, but let's just count it as a blessing! Besides, another benefit to alzheimers is new friends every day! :lol:

I hope you get to feeling better though, and if not, I'm sure I could locate you a couple of knee joint replacements. I know a few 20 year olds who have it comin' and we could secretly kidnap them, remove their entire knees, and leave them to be bed-ridden! :p

[Pesha]

I broke down on my kids this morning. Somedays are better than others. We have a thought of combining our resources and trying to get everyone in the family some kind of med. insurance. Supplemental for me and over all for them and the grandkids. It is so unfair in this country of plenty that children go with out medical insurance, let alone adults. Anyway, I am sitting here in tears reading your kind remarks. Thankyou everyone.

{{{{EVERYONE}}}}

BB
DS.

[Old Witch]

((((((((((Dragonsinger)))))))))))........You aren't whining, just kinda speaking your heart....and we are here to listen!

[Joshua]

Yeah, you can cry on our shoulders whenever you want!

[Thistle]

((((((((Dragonsinger)))))))) Awwww, hun that's what friends are for!

[MoonChild78]

(((((((((((((((DS)))))))))))))), I know how you feel. I've had chronic knee pain since '98 already. I feel at work, shattered the stuff behind my kneecap, broke a piece of the bone of and it was lodged between the leg bones in the joint. Worse all, the hospital didn't see it in the xrays and told me it was "just bruised". At 20, they wanted to replace my kneecap. I cried... I dance. Not a pro, but just for fun. Needless to say, all they did was some surgery and let out the fluid but everyday i'm in pain as well. You can't do anything when you feel like that. Stupid stuff hurts, like walking up and down stairs. I am dancing again but my teacher is very worried when I do pointe work but I told her that I've got to do it, it's the only thing that makes me forget the pain. So yeah, I feel your pain.... I do. And the money thing is awful too! thank the gods my old work place pays for all of that due to a really good lawyer but nothing makes the pain better. THere are nights that I can't even sleep cuz of hte pain. I hope the best for you, i really do. I wish I could do something but all I can do is send you some energy..... I do hope that you feel better!!

[Pesha]

Thankyou and again {{{{EVERYONE}}}}.

BB
DS.

[Laurelei]

((((DS)))) aww don't worry, everythin'll be OK. My mother tried to kill herself recently, I have a mountain of homework and constant toothache. But heck, I've got a good CD on my headphones at the moment, South Park is coming on in 25 minutes, it turns out when we move there's going to be a ton of furniture left for me to pick out to my taste and I just discovered a five pound note in my desk drawer. Some stuff is really diabolically bad I know, but I like to think if I wake up next day I have another chance. When I woke up one morning to hear my dad telling me he was taking mum to the hospital 'cos she tried to kill herself I thought "oh no, that's it. I'm wrecked for good" but a few months on everything's wierdly back to normal.

Yeah, I'm not very good with pep talks :) but I'm the most feared (I look like I've been dragged out a grave) and least depressed kid in the whole school. I like to think I'm doing something right :p.

Good luck with the future Dragonsinger sweetie, because as long as you're alive to have one you can pick yourself back up, and hopefully be an even stronger person because of it:)

[Aidron]

I hope you are feeling better, Dragon. If not, here are some rainbow hugs for ya! :)


(((((((:hugz: :huddle: :hugz: )))))))

[Witchzee1]

:hugz: I can't imagine how frustrated you must feel. I'm sorry you're going through all that!

Sending you lots of :hugz: and healing energy.

[Joshua]

You got a big chunk of my working tonight. I hope it helps you!