Your Thoughts Please

[WandererInGray]

Long story...short version.

Phoenix's ex has managed to get herself into difficulty with the law (again) and this time we don't think she'll get out of it. When they divorced, he allowed her full custody of their 3 year old son.

We're now entering into negotiations to see about either ending up with joint or full custody of Benjamin. At this point it looks like her sentence will be a minimum of 6 months, so we'll have him for that long at the very least. And quite honestly we're not sure it's in his best interests to go back to her after she gets out of jail.

We are, however, pretty nervous, scared, terrified over this whole thing. Neither of us really wanted to be parents and now we're faced with taking care of a three year old who's barely potty-trained and has some behavioral issues of his own (not enough discipline, but that's a whole other story)

We're barely surviving on our own financially right now, and how we're going to pay for childcare, even with the child support money he'll get back, is the chief concern. *sighs* Not to mention how to integrate this little boy into lives that were pretty used to being childfree.

*soft smile* All your thoughts, prayers, and advice would be most welcome. I think we're going to need it.

Thanks. :)

[theblackrose]

*energy, strength and courage sent* this is an arkward situation, and i feel for you all, including the child. I cannot offer much advice as i have no children, and the laws are different over here by far, so im sorry :( but all i can say is that with a little patience, care, and making this child feel included, he should adjust properly (thats what childrent do best!) and perhaps dont think aboutthe long term solution yet, maybe wait a while until the outcome of his mother is known, and see how the relationship with Benjamin grows, you dont want to commit yourself to a solution just yet until you can see what would make this little boy happy, and wether you can provide him with that! Im sure youll do a great job though, i wish you all the luck in the world!

[Lunacie]

Well, as a grandparent who provides day-care my first thought was, is there a grandparent or other family member who would be willing to help? My daughter and I both need "me" time and we're used to having the girls around. You will have a lot of adjusting to do and will need some down time to keep your energy going good.

(((PB & WiG & Benjamin)))

[Calyx]

Wanderer,
wow, that's a pretty tough issue, in many areas.....
First, I'm glad to see that y'all are being responsible by trying to get custody. I don't know what the ex's situation is, but it sounds like Benjamin would be better in a more stable environment.
The child-free thing.....yes, children are a rude shock when it comes to time management, especially when you are used to being able to come and go as you please. Out of every drawback about kids, my own is my lingering resentment for the lack of personal time I now have. I envy my single friends their time, and they envy my home life. Odd, isn't it? It's just something that you have to accept. I'm still working on that one.....
Becoming parents......I think and hope that you will find it is an extremely rewarding business. Benjamin might have behavioral problems because he is insecure about his home life. If it's constantly in upheaval, this is really scary to a child, so they act out to get attention too. After all, any attention is better than no attention, in their eyes. Discipline helps. It also helps to establish routines with them. I would recommend the bood "Parenting with Love and Logic", because it's a good book on establishing discipline without spanking or other physical discipline, and on establishing certain routines with them.
The financial part....if he's potty trained, or getting there, that's good. Pull-ups are expensive! If you aren't working and don't have to pay for daycare, it won't be nearly as expensive. But if you are, and he needs to go to daycare, they often have "scolarship programs" for those who have financial difficulty. It's well worth looking into. Many times the rate is almost nothing, or at least steeply discounted. Other financial concerns, toys, books, etc.--garage sales, resale shops, half price books, etc. are great places to pick things up and are really cheap. Some of my girls favorite toys came from garage sales. Too bad you live so far away, I could send you a truckload of toys and books that the girls don't play with anymore. They are unisex type things, not all girlie! If you want them, PM me and we'll try to figure out a way to get them to you.....
Lastly, I think that you will find you will fall in love with him, and that it is very satisfying being a parent. It won't be easy, and will be some huge changes, but it will be worth it.
I hope you find something in this post that is of use to you.
I am sending you some energy for strength and wisdom, and lots of love and hugs :hugz:

Keep us posted and let me know if there's anything I can do to help.....

[Ahautenites]

You already know my thoughts about this issue, but I thought I'd address the issue of money to pay for Benjamin.... Are there any low-income family programs you would be able to qualify for? Some programs will give you vouchers to buy food and childcare supplies free or cheap. If he's in daycare, they will give him breakfast (some places do, anyway), snack in the morning, lunch, and snack in the afternoon, too.

**sends energy your way**

[Lamoondove]

This is a tough one ,, sounds like even though you arent ready for it that it is in the boys best interest to be tought by you mabe the Love and enrgy sent will help ya be able to give this boy Love he needs and has not been given to be able to see life can be good without being bad ,,, do ya know what i mean ,,,
I say this cuz i have family member my nephew ,,, who was unloved in certain ways and had he been shown Love in ways that he needed i felt he woulda not been such a trouble maker striving for attention.....

Sending him Calming ,,, and Love as well as you and your Family ...


Love and Hugs Goddess Bless!!!

[Semele]

Lots of prayers and energy coming your way. As for the potty training and behavior issues..those are pretty easily fixed with enough consistency and I know you guys have that. the only other major ingredient is love and you have that. The money is a tough one but it will work out I am sure. I would definately check into a WIC program at the very least. It is a lot quicker and easier process than food stamps and welfare options and it helps so much. they would give you milk and cereal and other stuff..the most important things that he will need. You would be suprised how much that would help. I wish you the best of luck.

Know that you will be in our thoughts as will Benjamin. I am sure this is hard for him to understand. Give him a hug for me would ya!

[Rockprincess]

Although I can understand that you guys just began your married life together, and would have liked to share it alone a while longer, you did go in to it knowing that Phoenix would always have the responsibility of Father to Benjamin.

Really, what it seems to me (from my completely not-knowing-the-whole-situation perspective ;) ), is that you guys are being given the chance to make little Ben's life a good one, rather than a harsh and difficult one. Three is still very young, and behavioural problems can absolutely be taken care of still at that stage.

Best of luck to your family! Maybe this is a blessing you didn't realize was missing :whatgives

[Old Witch]

I hope I don't sound like a cliche..........But....Even if you've been pregnant for nine mos., when the child comes you're not really prepared........I'm pretty sure you both will fall in love with Benjamin. As for the money, we never had the money to have kids, but we had three anyway. The money always worked out, our boys are pretty fine adults. Give it a try, I'll bet you'll like it. Energy sent to all of you.

[Hoot]

(((WandererInGray)))

I can understand your fears and apprehension. There's already been a lot of change in your life lately, and all change - even for the best - is somewhat stressful as you adjust to it. And you already know taking a child into your lives is a huge responsibility and change, and are wise to look ahead and contemplate that.

In thinking of this, I keep coming back to what was just said:

Maybe this is a blessing you didn't realize was missing

And if this is what you arrive at as well, I hope you find a permanent place for Benjamin in your hearts and your home, and give him the stability and love that is your foundation together. For financial assistance and help coping, I think you should also check into what family services are provided by the military - this may offer avenues to everything that's been mentioned already, as well as daycare.

Sending (((you, PhoenixBlue and Benjamin))) lots of love and strength, to work toward the very best resolution for all of you.

:huddle:

[*GrumpButt*]

You married even though you knew he had a son...
But, I know that you guys never thought that this could happen... :)
Is there anyone eles who might be able to take care of him for a little while, while you guys get your affairs together? Maybe an aunt or other close relative?
And if not I am sure you can get Welfare, foodstamps, or something else to help out. BTW, if you go to the department od children and families in your area they can provide free/very low cost child care, you get to pick the place out of a book that takes vouchers from them!
And they might be able to help youfind the best thing for the child!

Good luck you guys!

[Pesha]

Ah sweetheart, am sending you prosperity and peace of mind energies. Will be keeping you both in my heart and mind tonight during my rituals. You both have such good hearts. Hang in there.

BB
DS.

[WandererInGray]

*wry grin* Yes, I married him even though I knew he had a son. I said I never wanted to *have* kids, not that I was adverse to children in anyway. And believe me, if I hadn't at least been prepared for the possibility of it happening I would have run as far and as fast as possible.

That, however, has nothing to do with being scared about taking him in. Nor does it have anything to do with how much I (already) care for Benjamin.

Nope, no relatives, no friends. His *great* grandparents live in Atlanta and his great-grandmother is pyschotic, the ex's aunt and uncle are fundamentalist Christians, and all my family are in Colorado. We do have some avenues to explore, that's just going to take time. (Like base childcare, which is available, but always has a waiting list.)

If we can just get this rental house in Castle Rock off my back, it would actually be cheaper for me to quit working and watch him. I'm not adverse to that, I may actually be able to get a little writing done while doing it. *shrugs and smiles*

The childcare is the only thing we're worried about financially, feeding him and such won't be as much of a problem either, we've got the extra finances to do that. It's just the large expense of childcare that is going to hurt.

Anyway, thanks to those of you who weighed in with the support. :) While I know this is going to be difficult, I've had plenty of chances to back out and it's not something I'm willing to do.

[Noressa]

Can you move on base? That'll take care of housing issues... And should free up some money. Gah! (That's how my dad afforded to send 2 kids to a private school.) The behaviors will get better with positive reinforcement.... With a child, some things will change, but you already know that. :) Best of luck to you!

[Lunacie]

I understand, that's why I'm doing the stay-at-home-gramma bit. I hope I can manage to keep doing it until Nove' starts school in about 3 years.

[Ahautenites]

**ponders Noressa's suggestion** This is true...... However, I thought moving on base would mean getting rid of all five cats?

[WandererInGray]

Can you move on base? That'll take care of housing issues... And should free up some money. Gah! (That's how my dad afforded to send 2 kids to a private school.) The behaviors will get better with positive reinforcement.... With a child, some things will change, but you already know that. :) Best of luck to you!

*smiles* No it wouldn't. The problem is this....I still am paying rent on a house in Castle Rock, CO that we (Nallia, Nefer, and I) were living in before I moved to 'Bama. Don gets a Housing Allowance that more than pays for his mortgage, so moving to base would cause two problems.

1) We'd lose the allowance, and the extra dollars that brings in each month because the mortgage is lower than his allowance.

2) There's actually a waiting list for on base, and we'd have to sell this house at the same time or be forced to pay the mortgage on it....even though we'd lose the allowance. :eek: Obviously not a good move.

Plus by the time we got that sorted out, we'd probably be moving out of the state anyway. *chuckles* So it's not worth the time or effort. That's not really the problem though, as I said. Sorry I wasn't clear about that. :) It's the fact that I'm having to pay rent on a house in CO....the management company we rented from is trying to get it sold or re-rented, but it's taking a while.

*smiles* Naw, Ses, that was only if Phoenix lived in the dorms that the cats couldn't come. If we were living in actual housing, the cats would be fine.

[Flar's Freyja]

Please do some checking into whether or not your state may be able to offer some assistance through food stamps and medical. The medical is what's important here - it can pay for counseling for all of you that can help support you through the rough times. Most states have day care assistance programs, but you should apply immediately - even before you make the final decision so that you can get the ball rolling.

If you are brave enough to deal with the system, voluntary foster care would be an option as well - again, provided that your state does this. She would have to initiate this, and the Adoption and Safe Families Act of 1997 requires that children be placed with relatives whenever possible. In my state, you would have to undergo background checks, a home study and training. The foster care system can offer you support in the form of a worker stopping by to make sure everything is okay and can coordinate services, if necessary.

You may also check with the family support division in the Air Force. They may have these services as well.

Six months doesn't sound like a very long time but it can be an eternity if things don't go well.


Long story...short version.

Phoenix's ex has managed to get herself into difficulty with the law (again) and this time we don't think she'll get out of it. When they divorced, he allowed her full custody of their 3 year old son.

We're now entering into negotiations to see about either ending up with joint or full custody of Benjamin. At this point it looks like her sentence will be a minimum of 6 months, so we'll have him for that long at the very least. And quite honestly we're not sure it's in his best interests to go back to her after she gets out of jail.

We are, however, pretty nervous, scared, terrified over this whole thing. Neither of us really wanted to be parents and now we're faced with taking care of a three year old who's barely potty-trained and has some behavioral issues of his own (not enough discipline, but that's a whole other story)

We're barely surviving on our own financially right now, and how we're going to pay for childcare, even with the child support money he'll get back, is the chief concern. *sighs* Not to mention how to integrate this little boy into lives that were pretty used to being childfree.

*soft smile* All your thoughts, prayers, and advice would be most welcome. I think we're going to need it.

Thanks. :)

[WandererInGray]

:hugz: Thanks sweetie. That's all good advice. I'll check into it.

Medical is not a worry. He's already covered completely through the AF. :)

[Hoot]

I thought that would be the case about the medical, too, Wanderer. Are there any family support services you know of, though? Hoping for the best for all of you. It's a difficult situation!

[Xentor]

It's the fact that I'm having to pay rent on a house in CO....the management company we rented from is trying to get it sold or re-rented, but it's taking a while.

So let me get this straight: you have to pay rent for a house you don't live in? How's that? I'm not familiar with your laws. In the Netherlands you have to pay for your rented house for half a year, and after that you can unbind the renting contract per month.

I also was going to suggest base child-care, but you already considered it and have a waiting list. I don't know what kind of job you're in right now, but if you're a full-time writer, can't you watch the boy simultaneously?

[Teshuva3D]

First of all,what impressed me first is your honesty about how you feel..overwhelmed and less than thrilled at taking on a three year old..lots of folks,I think,wouldn't be so up front for fear of what others might think..my personal opinion is that folks who are honest about their feelings and can look at themselves honestly make the BEST parents..so my hat off to you. :)

Also,check into the procedures in your state regarding foster parenting..the fact that you are NOT his biological mom,may make it possible to name you as his foster mom( I think that my state,Missouri,does this kind of thing) even though you are his step-mom and are married to his dad..and thus you'd get financial assistance..AND counseling..yeah,I know the Division of Family Services can be slow as turtles because they're overloaded..but it can't hurt to try..

Call social security,call DFS,heck I'd even start looking up various charitable organizations.

I'm sending energy and prayers your way..especially towards getting that rental property off your back..if you could stay at home with him,it would make sticking to a routine MUCH more easy for a "beginner" parent.LOL..and thank the Gods he's three..three's a pretty tricky age,but they are ( as another poster mentioned ) still very open to influence at that age..

And last of all,I feel for ya..when I found out I was pregnant fourteen years ago..I thought my world had ended!! I NEVER had wanted children..AT ALL!!I had been told(much to my joy) that I was unable to have children because of scarring in my fallopian tubes(I'd had a long series of infections in the buggers)...and then bamm I got preggers..

Now,I can't imagine life without my kid..she's my teacher,my friend,and my beloved child..being a mom made me grow in every way spiritually,morally,you name it...and every day I thank Fate that I didn't terminate the pregnancy..believe it or not :lol: so I'm pretty sure the day will come when you can't imagine life without your stepson too..

MANY Blessings and prayers and good thoughts your way,
Tesh

[FeatherGoblinglimmer]

What a tough situation to be in.((()))

I hope that whatever desicion you and PhoenixBlue make will be the best one for you guys and for Benjamin. I'll be thinking of you.

[WandererInGray]

So let me get this straight: you have to pay rent for a house you don't live in? How's that? I'm not familiar with your laws. In the Netherlands you have to pay for your rented house for half a year, and after that you can unbind the renting contract per month.

Yeah. :rolleyes: We signed a two year lease agreement when we first moved in. And that means we're responsible for the rent on the place until August of 2004, or until they find someone else to rent/buy the place. We formally broke the lease, but all that really means is we paid the management company to start looking for someone else for us. *shrugs* Nallia's got her SO looking into options to see if we can just tell them we're not paying anymore without getting our credit ruined, but it's hard to tell.

*sighs* At this point, it's just your wait and see situation.

Teshuva3D, *hugs* Thanks for the suggestions. I'm definately going to look into the foster mother route, hadn't even considered it. :)

:hugz: Thanks FG.

[IndigoMoon]

I don' t really understand. It seems like no one wants the child here. And that is what makes me sad. I have 2 kids, and my heart would be broken if they ever thought that I didn't want them. I also have 2 very iresponsible parents that had me when they were teenagers. I always knew that I was a burden to them. It was a difficult way to grow up. Now as an adult with my own children I understand where they were coming from on a new level. With that my advice to you would be to think of the child first. You have the chance to make his life wonderful. If his mother was getting into trouble, I don't understand why he was with her at all. But still the past is the past. And the future is what matters. Where ever he ends up I just hope that he feels wanted and loved. At the end of the day that is what really matters to a child.

I send you fire and water evergy for motivation and love. ((((wandereringray))))
I promise the rewards that you will reap will be much greater than what you have given up!

[WandererInGray]

You don't understand because you don't know the whole situation.

The child is wanted.

His mother wants to keep Ben very badly and if she were not going to jail, this would not be an issue. We want Ben if his mother can't pull her head out and figure out how to take care of him properly.

*sighs* I started this thread looking for some support with the difficult times ahead. And for the most part that's what I've seen. But I've also been pretty annoyed by the judgemental posts that were in no way helpful. I didn't start this as a debate, if I had, I would have put it in the Parenting forum.

We are always thinking of Ben first. If we weren't, he be staying with his great-grandparents or his fundamentalist aunt and uncle so we could go about our lives.

But I believe in being honest and I'm not going to start jumping around in false joy about the fact that I'm soon going to be a mother when I never wanted to be. That doesn't mean I'll treat him like crap or ever make him feel not wanted or loved. But if I can't be honest about this now, I'll surely snap later on, and then he probably would catch the brunt of it. Funny how I thought maybe I could talk about it here and get some support for it. Obviously I'm not going to talk to him about it, he won't know right now that we didn't want to have children of our own, but he will know that we love him and will always be there for him no matter what.

And, *shrugs* I can't really take much comfort in the whole "the rewards will be much greater than what we're giving up"....I don't believe it. Maybe for those who wanted children that's the way that works, but I know precisely what I'm losing and I'm not happy about it.

That doesn't mean I won't do it, after all, that's what being an adult is about sometimes.

[Phoenix Blue]

*sighs* I started this thread looking for some support with the difficult times ahead. And for the most part that's what I've seen. But I've also been pretty annoyed by the judgemental posts that were in no way helpful. I didn't start this as a debate, if I had, I would have put it in the Parenting forum.
Admin Mode

On this note, and at Wanderer's request, I'm closing this thread. As she pointed out, this is not a forum for debate or judgmentalism.