e-mail funnies

[ladyrowan]

I get sent loads of funny stories by e-mail, so thought I'd start a new thread to share them all with you. Hope you like them.
(Please feel free to add any of your own)


Subject: As Reported in the Courts > >

Apparently, the following are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. (if anyone else here has studied law and spent time in the courts, I'm sure you'll find it very easy to believe every word!)

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
> >
> >
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> >
> >
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
> >
> >
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
> >
> >
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> >
> >
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
> >
> >
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> >
> >
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
> >
> >
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
> >
> >
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
> >
> >
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
> >
> >
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
> >
> >
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> >
> >
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> >
> >
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
> >
> >
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> >
> >
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
> >
> >
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
> >

[ladyrowan]

THE GOOD WIFE GUIDE
> >
This is an actual extract from a Home Economics textbook printed in 1961.
> >
QUOTE
> >
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return from work. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when
they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
> >
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting
for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties
is to provide it.
> >
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up school books, toys, papers etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables. During the colder months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by.
> >
Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum.
> >
Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him.
Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first, remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours. Make the evening his.
> >
Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
> >
Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Don't greet him with complaints and problems. Don't complain if he's late home for dinner, or even stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a
comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange the pillow and offer to take off his shoes.
> >
Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.
> >
Once he has had a chance to have his evening meal clear the dishes and wash up promptly. If your husband should offer to help decline his offer as he may feel obliged to repeat this offer and after a long working day he does not need the extra work.
>
Encourage your husband to pursue his hobbies and interests and be supportive without seeming to encroach. If you have any little hobbies yourself try not to bore him speaking of these, as women's interests are often rather trivial compared to men's.
> >
At the end of the evening tidy the home ready for the morning and again think ahead to his breakfast needs. Your husband's breakfast is vital if he is to face the outside world in a positive fashion.
> >
Once you have both retired to the bedroom prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would have to do for his train.
But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you
need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.
> >
When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it. In all things be lead by
your husband's wishes, do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy. Should your husband suggest congress then accede humbly all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's.
> >
When he reaches his moment of fulfilment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.
Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual
practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register
any reluctance by remaining silent.
It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night time face and hair care products. You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning.
This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:mad:

[ladyrowan]

Don't blame me for this one - it was sent by an American friend!


This article apparently appeared recently in an American
magazine.
By all accounts it was taken seriously by a lot of people.
> > > > >
Subject: Useful tips when in Britain
> > > > >
> > > > > MONEY
The Brits have peculiar words for many things.
Money is referred to as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies."
"Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling" the equivalent of seventeen cents American.
> > > > >
> > > > > MAKING FRIENDS
If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a great "tosser" - he will be touched. The English are a notoriously tactile, demonstrative people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.
> > > > >
> > > > > CUSTOMS
Since their Labour government whole heartedly embraced full union with Europe the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or three hour siesta, which they call "wank." As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to over sleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper,simply apologise and explain that you were having a wank - everyone will understand and forgive you.
> > > > >
> > > > > RELAXING
One of the most delightful ways to spen an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals")
are privately owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour.
Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of
Mazola and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.
> > > > >
> > > > > FOOD AND WINE
British cuisine enjoys a well-deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar, the American travellers can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less.
If he baulks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter realises you are a person of
discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he does not, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed.
When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.
> > > > >
> > > > > TRANSPORTATION
Public taxis are subsidised by Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then grab the nearest policeman (bobby) and have the driver disciplined. It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at
patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-coloured coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take me to the British Library." The driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!). For those
travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians.
Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in thetunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to
exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent
means of transportation.
> > > > >
> > > > > AIRPORTS
One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an International Jewish peace organisation - the shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way
through customs.
> > > > > Safe travels and Bon Voyage!
> > > >

[ladyrowan]

> >>>>The Joys of Womanhood
> >>>>Brilliant Woman Author Unknown

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
> >>>>
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
> >>>>
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
> >>>>
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
> >>>>
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
> >>>>
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
> >>>>
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
> >>>>
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks twosizes!
> >>>>
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat."
Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
> >>>>
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
> >>>>
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
> >>>>
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.
Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
> >>>>
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
> >>>>
Celebrate Womanhood! Please forward this page to all the brilliant women in your life!
> >>>
> >>>
> >>Louise, Kinesiology Department, Penn State University,
> >>University Park PA 16802
> >>
"The soul would have no rainbows if the eyes held no tears."
> >> ~ Native American Proverb
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> ("`-''-/").___..--''"`-._
> >> `6_ 6 ) `-. ( ).`-.__.`)
> WE ARE ...
> >> (_Y_.)' ._ ) `._ `. ``-..-'
> PENN STATE!
> >> _ ..`--'_..-_/ /--'_.' ,'
> >> (il),-'' (li),' ((!.-'
> >>
> >>
> >
>

[ladyrowan]

> Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones
> ---------------------------------------
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
>
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked
excessively without making sense, became overly emotional,
couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing,
and refused to apologize when wrong.
>
No further testing is planned.

[ladyrowan]

THE FEMALE BRAIN!

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in
looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
> > >> > >
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
> > >> > >
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200
for a female brain."
> > >> > >
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man, unable to control his curiosity blurted out the question
everyone wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said,
"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

[ladyrowan]

Funny Warning Labels....

In case you needed further proof the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

1. On Sears hair dryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair)
2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (Evidently, the shoplifter special)
3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And
that would be how.... ?)
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." (But it's *just* a suggestion)
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down". (Oops, too late!)
6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after
heating". (As night follows day . .)
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". (But wouldn't this save even more time?)
8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication". (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness". (One would hope)
10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only". (As opposed to what?)
11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use". (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts". (NEWS FLASH)
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.)
14. On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company...I blame parents for this one.)
>15. On a Swedish chain saw (Husqvarna): "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals". (Was there a chance of this happening?????)

[ladyrowan]

If you love something..............

If you love something, set it free....
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours......
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with......
If it just sits in your living room,,,, messes up your stuff,,,,
eats your food,,,, uses your telephone,,,, takes your money,,,, and never behaves as if "you actually set it free in the first place"..........
You either married it or gave birth to it......

[ladyrowan]

One for the women here


I received the following e-mail from an american friend, apologies if you've already seen it!


Subject: For Women Only

Girlfriends,
This has to be the best chain letter I have ever received, I am relying on you to send it on.
Normally I don't send chain letters....but this one's too good to
pass up.
Enjoy.

Dear Friends,
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged women.
Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.
Then bundle up your husband or boyfriend and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.
When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 men. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.
At the time of writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 men, of whom 4 were worth keeping.

REMEMBER this chain letter brings luck.
One woman's cat died, and the next day she received a gorgeous hunk.
An unmarried woman living with her widowed mother was
able to choose between a Chippendale dancer and an Olympic swimmer.
You can be lucky, too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!
One woman broke the chain and got her own husband back
again!
Let's keep it going, ladies! Just add your name to the list below!

1. Hillary Clinton
Chappaqua, NY

[ladyrowan]

The miracle of birth (hehe)
This is a supposedly true story from a male friend of a
friend, thought you might like it too....


I had to take my son's hamster to the vet.
Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came down to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do.
Call the professional.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what did you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.
(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys," she informed me.
(Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced,
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
"Well, when my parents' dogs had puppies, I took them up to the grocery store in a cardboard box and gave them away," I recalled.
"So what are you going to do, go up with a pair of tweezers so people can pick out their hamster?" she asked. (Gotta love her!)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"A breech birth," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried again, with the same results.
"Should I dial 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with my females?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is "of her womb," for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, an epidermal?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, male hamsters will, master, ER, ER, ah..." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just ...just .. Excited?", my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my lovely wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless Manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "Just...that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its ... teeny little ... " she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter as I gave her a dirty look.





gunner
pagan warrior

Registered: Mar 2001
Location: new england
Posts: 709
!!!
when i stop laughing i'll comment..., but it may be a while.


__________________
"gunner"

"no truce with kings"

moderator: "just talk"
if needed contact by e-mail gunnera4@yahoo.com

[ladyrowan]

TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:
> > >> > >> >>
Pass My Shotgun
Psychotic Mood Shift
Perpetual Munching Spree
Puffy Mid-Section
People Make Me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Pass My Sweatpants
Pissy Mood Syndrome
Plainly; Men Suck
Pack My Stuff
Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
> > >> > >> >>
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one
else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17
YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS
LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME I N! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! - IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS #@*$!#@!... HOUSE!
I'm sorry... what did you ask me?

[ladyrowan]

Horse and Chicken
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
> > >
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
> > >
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
> > >
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
> > >
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
> > >
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
> > >
The moral of the story?
> > >
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

[ladyrowan]

Anyone else got any, would love to see them?
BB

[ladyrowan]

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how
he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh,... Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong,... but I will show
you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, ... stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "what did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees" >>
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