help I have reached the end

[Dagdamark]

My wife has a problem. When I try to talk to her about neat facts that i find out she turns it all around. Saying stuff I didnt say other word "putting words into my mouth she does this all the time making it a personal issue when its not. . I had asked her why she thinks this when I said this. She states its the way I said it. For Example: Her back exhaust cam off I wasnt mad or anything that it did it was due. well she said somebody at her work will weld it back on for about 20 bucks. I said: go ahead and take care of it. She tristed it saying 5 fifferent things I never said I just repeated what I had said about getting it done. I told her I never have a secret meaning behind anything I say What I say is What I mean. Well yestarday was the one that broke my since she did it two times differant items. last one said I was lying about a beleif witch attacked my relegion and what I was talking about didnt have no bearing on it she made it up. That day when i went to work i cryed. I left a note this mouning telling her how I feel and that her actions after the note will make my decission. all coments wecome I need guidence.

[Semele]

Welcome!
Communication is the most important thing in any relationship, but it sounds like you know that already. I am sure your wife doesn't intentionally twist your words around. There must be some underlying reasons why she is hearing things differently then the way you intend them to be heard. The best thing you two can do is to try and stay calm and keep working to keep the communication open and flowing. It is hard because folks are wired differently and what is obvious to one person is virtually nonexsistant to another person. Just try to rephrase your statemnets and reassure her of your original intentions.

Good luck and I hope that the two of you will be able to work things out. It takes a little effort, but anything worthwhile does.

[Nissala]

I understand completely what you are saying Dagdamark! My ex was exactly the same way (we were together 14 years). I would say one thing, he would hear another. It got better over time as I learned this was a defense mechinism he used. As to why, I have no clue. I just became really patient, listened intentivally when he spoke and when I spoke spoke clear and slow then would ask "did you understand what I just said?" nicely, not an order, and at times would ask him to repeat what I said..9 times out of 10 is was turned around, then I would repeat what I had originally said. We both worked on it for quite some time and I found out at times I also do this...so it was a lesson learned on both partners. Admitting there is a problem is the number one hurdle, being willing to work on it together in a way that is not demeaning to either of you is the second. If this can be accomplished willingly on both parts the little problem will work itself out eventually. I will keep you in my thoughts....

[Yvonne Belisle]

If you chose to keep working on things I would suggest that you get a tape recorder and don't tell her you are recording things. Then play it back later telling her you would like to talk about what happened and try to discuss it. Either way I would see about counciling to try and make it work

[morrigen]

I agree with Yvonne...councilling would be a great idea, especially seeing as how it's a communication issue...perhaps you and your wife have different ways of communicating and different "triggers" when it comes to interpretation.
Maybe you could try a book about "interpersonal communication" which teaches you how to communicate without projecting blame or negativity...
I hope you work things out...marriage is a long-term commitment, and ironning out the wrinkles can take a long time....but that's ok as long asa you're both working towards the same goal - a lifetime of love together.

[Lady Jade]

Only thing I can do is send you the energy to heal this problem between you. Honesty is always best and getting things in the open can be hard. My thoughts are with you both

[fahawk]

Something that hubby and I learned (counseling) is to make "I" statements...kind of a bother, but works.
Say, "I feel, I need, I want..(whatever) ..and then the spouse repeats.."what I heard you say is...." and if that isn't what you meant..you can continue with.."no what I feel/need /want is" ..and spouse repeats exactly what they heard... you would be surprised..most of the time people are not really hearing at all or listening..and this is effective to clear up misunderstanding..
sometimes a note or letter, is good, as that way you are not right in each others face, but can say how you feel..