Feeling Under Appreciated

[Amethyst Rose]

I love my husband, don't get me wrong, and I know he loves me. It would just be nice if every once in a while he'd do something to show that the things I do are appreciated. Flowers, cards....a thank you now and then.
He's not a romantic or gushy at all he doesn't say "I love you". He didn't get me anything for our anniversary, and if he gets me something for Valentines day it's because I bugged him about it.
I tried complaining to a (single) friend and her response was "you married him". I thought if I posted here I might get a little more understanding.

[Celticscryer]

:huddle: I know how you are feeling! I love my fiance, and I know he loves me, but I haven't gotten any kind of presents from him in three years now (we've been together five), except for my birthday this past October, and that was only because I nagged and cried. I did get flowers today for V-Day, but again, I nagged for weeks.

I've long since given up on complaining to anyone about it, because the response is usually "He doesn't really care if he doesn't get you presents for x-mas or your birthday. Dump him before it's too late".

I have no advice for you, since I can't break my own love of this terrible habit, but I know where you're coming from and you can complain to me any time! :huddle:

[Hoot]

:hugz: Don't know what to tell you to make it better, sweetie... but I've been there once in a while myself. Sometimes you just have to poke 'em a little to let 'em know you need attention, and then pretend that you didn't...

I find mine is better with me giving him a little reminder and a soft touch, than if I try to hammer home a deeper meaning behind his not thinking of it himself - even if I really feel like he needs that jackhammer! :lol:

[Tzhebee]

I'll give you a gift! And a card! and some roses (you're not allergic, right?). And how about some chocolates!

I soooo feel your pain. Last year, 8 months pregnant and I didn't get a darn thing for mother's day-except the card from my kids that they made at school. His idea of doing something nice for me is handing me $10 and saying "why don't you go get yourself something?" So I intentionally get something that bugs him! HA.

But, then about once every green moon or so, he'll suprise the bejezus out of me and just give me a card or a candle. Never flowers, though. I'd really like some flowers.

My mom gave me some flowers once. They were bulbs. I didn't know what to do with them, so I gave 'em back to her. (I'm so un-feminine it's not funny. I can't cook or sew. I have no idea about gardening or crafts. Makeup? That's for clowns, right?)

Seriously though. Have you ever read that book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? It explains that the reason M and W don't understand each other is because we speak a different language. I sat down with my SO about 2 years ago and flat out told him that I wasn't getting enough attention and that he wasn't showing me any love. He got all upset (not angry) and proceeded to explain that everytime he works on his car, then uses my dish soap to wash his hands-his way of showing me he loves me is to clean off the bottle. When he's doing yard-work, his way of showing he loves me is by trimming the tree that *always* catches in my hair, even though it's *supposed* to look like that.

So, maybe your hubby is showing that he loves you-but it's just not a way that you are seeing, or not the way you need it to be shown. Talk to him-it couldn't hurt.

But in the meantime- I appreciate you!!!! :floating:

[hastings1066ad]

I totally understand. My husband is snuggly and wonderful, and constantly tells me he loves me, but has bought me flowers and a card ONCE in our entire relationship. (I dried the flowers and wore them at our handfasting) When I asked him about it he said that he didn't think that I wanted or needed that sort of thing, that I knew he loved me so why should we waste money on some ridiculous gesture. I WANT the ridiculous gesture. I talked to one of my best friends about it and his suggestion was to be more grateful for what I have. I told him I am. I love my life and relationship and wouldn't trade it, but I still want the flowers. His reconsidered suggestion was to start buying them for my husband. his suggestion was that I pattern the behavior that I want. I make little things like new shirts or pajamas or whatever, but I've never made a fuss over giving them to my husband. My friend's suggestion was to start wrapping them and making a production out of it so my husband notices and to surprise him with roses and a note once in awhile, so that he'll get the experience that I want him to give me. I figure its worth a try.
-Hastings

[DragonsChest]

I can relate to what you are saying, to some extent. I had our first baby in April, long ago, and in May, when Mother's Day rolled around, he didn't get me anything at all, not even from "the baby". I threw a fit, and his response: But you're not my mother! My newborn was almost fatherless that day. And I still bring it up to hubby, who rolls his eyes, and mimics a "duck away" motion.

Now, I've learned how to work with his weakness instead of railing against it. I know he loves me! We've been through enough together to know that. But leaving it up to him to "surprise" me with a gift has often gone terribly, horribly wrong. So now I give him a list of 5-6 things I would be very happy to get, and he picks one from the list. He feels that he gets the opportunity to exercise free will and choose, and still feel safe that I'll like it.

Silly, I know, but it works! And I do love him so.......:hearthear:

[docdoo]

Hmmm Im saddened by these threads. I wish very much that I knew of a cure for this...that I could help in some fashion, but I cant figure out how to work with my own situation. There is little worse than feeling underappreciated and taken for granted...in time it turns to anger and resentment.

When you've screamed and yelled and begged and cried and pleaded and are still not heard it leaves you feeling a bit...empty for lack of a better term.

Hmmm I am suddenly struck silent (anyone who has seen my posts will probaly chuckle at this one) so I suppose I'll ramble out of the thread, poking karma on my way out.

Chin up ladies...maybe it will get better.

til next time

[Isil Darkmoon]

Ahhh, count me in too! My fiance is very good at being *sweet*/thoughtful--offering to pick up things at the grocery on his way home, occasionally bringing me little random trinkets when he's already out, etc. But he is HORRIBLE at being romantic in any sense of the word. He says he knows that I need these things, but he has no idea how to provide them. I tell him over and over the kinds of things I consider to be romantic, but it seems to do no good. He can't comprehend hte impulse.

Every Valentines, every birthday, anniversary, it's the same thing. I get my hopes up that MAYBE this time will be different, that he'll have finally learned. I imagine what he might do and how good it may be and.......

I am always disappointed. Not only is it not as good as I hoped oftentimes it is nothing at all. All the anticipation is unfulfilled. OR he'll come up with a pretty good suprise, and ruin it by blowing the suprise ahead of time by telling me about plans, or a thing. Just getting it is then devoid of a lot of the joy and wonder and suprise of having a thing done. Kinda like how when you were little and peeked in your christmas presents early... they weren't as special, somehow, Christmas morning once you knew.

The problem is only made worse because he KNOWS how much it means. He worries so much about disappointing me and doing things wrong, he often literally paralyzes himself with fear over worrying it won't be "good enough". He keeps getting worried about getting me a "thing" when it's the gesture I want. I'd rahter him bake me cookies, than buy something he cna't afford becuase it's nicer. It's the time and thought, not the price tag.

I've explained all these things to him over hte past five years... it hasn't really changed. We try to talk about it and work it out, but it never gets any better.

It's the biggest problem in our relationship... It's not quite a big enough one to leave him for, but if an issue ever turned into "the" issue this would be it. I'm happy with him and the relationship most of hte rest of the time, but every time things like this... *sigh*.

[Autumn]

Oh AR I so know where you are coming from!!!!

:hugz:

you can complain to me anytime as well!

[zehava]

(((hugs))) to you all.

i know how you're all feeling... been there! it certainly can suck.

(((hugs)))

-z

[Cerulean]

Well, I'm with you. I would find that unacceptable. I don't know how to fix it. I've never been married and haven't had good luck with relationships. I would refrain from having more kids with this guy for now. If you can't work this out, it might cause big problems.


Yeah, it is interesting that you married this guy out of the three billion or so on the planet and I'm sure there's a story there.

It's sad that there's so many romantically incompetent males out there, judging from this thread. They could do it, if they really wanted to. They do harder things.

In less severe cases it can help to buy yourself flowers and keep them around. It gives them ideas.

[Xentor]

Hugs for all who are hurt over this.

I've been watching Dr. Phil lately, so this is paraphrasing him.

Men and women have different understanding, different reading of the signs of love and affection. A woman will not understand that her man doesn't tell her he loves her. A man doesn't understand that his woman doesn't see it's obvious that he loves her.

He mows the lawn, takes out the trash, washes the car, picks up the kids from school, brings home the money, eats the food she prepared. He kisses her when leaving for work and coming back home. He sees those things as a sign of love.

She thinks these things are normal, after all, she cleans house, prepares the food, does the groceries, even buys his clothes. For her, his actions are normal, and not signs of love. She needs verbal assurement. Just gifts won't work either, she expects a card, or a statement.

He does not need the verbal assurement, and doesn't understand why his actions aren't enough.

Her: "Do you like your dinner?" - she expect him to say, "Yes, and I love you for it."
Him: "I'm eating it, ain't I?" - he expects her to understand that his eating is showing affection.

She makes herself beautiful, just for him, and expects him to pay attention to her and make an affirmative compliment. He shaves and washes up, walks the dog and makes love.


This is quite common, and the hurt you feel is quite common too. The way to get through this and into the affirmative relation you seek, is by talking with each other. You teach him, what you do to show you love him. You teach him, what you expect from him to show he loves you. He teaches you, what he does to show he loves you, and what he expects from you to show you love him.

He, however, may not see the need for such talk. So you need to make yourself clear. But beware of throwing a fit. Because when both of you are angered, you stop listening, instead of start. And that will lead to avoidance of further verbal communication. You have to make time, and both agree, you talk about that part of your relationship.


That said, I repeat, I'm rephrasing Dr. Phil.

[Faery-Wings]

Been there myself. Xentor and Tzhebee have it right on. My hubby is not "romantic" in the traditional sense of the word either. But once day recently, I had said to him, I feel like you don't care about us. he replied with, Don't you realize that I call you very morning (from work) to see how you and the kids are? Here I thought that was just a - Yeah I am bored and I hate my job phone call. But to him, it is a connection to the people he loves.

And I got upset at him also once (ok- waaaaay more than once :lol: ) because I felt that he didn't appreciate me cooking, cleaning, making his lunch and so on. He shot back- well you don't thank me for bringing home a paycheck! (Yikes....)

It is hard when you have a little one at home too- because now you feel that every waking moment you are taking care of other people and neither can say, either physically or emotionally, "Thanks, I appreciate that". However, don't you look at your baby and see him smile at you and think, He loves me! Next time you see your hubby smile at you, try to think the same thing. IMHO, it is the little things that men do that show us how they feel.

Just as one more rambling example, I have a friend who said this to her hubby also. He says to her, I check your oil every time you go on a trip. That means I love you.

See. they just have a different perception of "showing love."

:)

Moms and wives have to stick together on this- and show that we appreciate each other as well. Cuz, most times we aren't going to hear it from our men!

[lorhawks]

I read an interesting book about a year and a half ago, called "Real Boys." It went into great detail about the ways men and women differ in the ways they show love to each other, and was very helpful to me. In the times I have felt unappreciated and unromanticized by my SO, and thrown a fit or expressed this to him, it has caused huge arguments, because he feels like he DOES show these things, I just don't see them. Interpreting men's "showing love" can be very difficult for us females, but we need to be vigilant about looking for their individual ways of doing it.

To my SO, rubbing my shoulders while I am at the computer, helping me with homework, cleaning my cat box, and sharing with me interesting articles he found, are all expressions of love. To him, all of these things show an interest in my life and happiness, whether by making things easier for me, or just because he was thinking about me. In return, I try to do these things for him, and I think they are easier for him to understand from me. I admit, however, that flowers or a card are nice, and easier gestures to understand. Personally, I say that we have Hollywood to blame for our visions of how romance "should be." Maybe, as women we could all file a massive lawsuit against the makers of movies who portray romance and expressions of love in those deceitful ways! :D

[Hoot]

Personally, I say that we have Hollywood to blame for our visions of how romance "should be."

I agree! I think a lot of people have unrealistic expectations - I did (and still do) in my marriage for a long time and it only made me miserable until I thought through it and came down to earth a little more.

And by what lorhawks, Xentor and others have said, perhaps we women aren't appreciating the men in our lives enough in a way, too. There is a good deal to respect and love about a man who is honest, dependable and responsible with his family. It may not be the marketed Hollywood romance version that sweeps us off our feet at the mere thought of it, but it is love and commitment.

I think the idea of taking the time to show them on their birthdays or special holidays how we want to be treated is a good one, too. Help them understand what we like, so they aren't paralyzed with the thought of doing the wrong thing (as Isil was saying) or not ever being able to do "enough." Giving one another some leeway and "being easy to love" (especially at times when we all really need that) is more important than we give it credit for, too. It is far easier to take praise and encouragement for what I do right than criticism and blame for my failings. This may sound awful, but we even domesticate animals that way - so why can't we do that with one another?

(((DragonsChest))) you sound like me in giving my husband choices for gifts. It just works better that way for us, with no hurt feelings. We both end up happier - I get something I really want (with no fretting over wasting money, which I do too much worrying over), and he still gets to "surprise" me.

[Thistle]

Xentor, I think you paraphrased Dr. Phil very well. I've been watching him, too, and after hearing him say something like this a couple of times, a little lightbulb went on inside my head. After 23 years of grumbling or feeling hurt/rejected/unappreciated when hubby did things like "forget", I reframed the way I looked at what he *does* do. Because I really *do* appreciate it when he just cleans out the catpan without being asked! Looking at it differently has really helped.

[Amethyst Rose]

But once day recently, I had said to him, I feel like you don't care about us. he replied with, Don't you realize that I call you very morning (from work) to see how you and the kids are?

That's true :) My husband calls me if I don't show up online by noon, because he worries otherwise.
I feel like a real schmuck now for posting this whole thread.... I posted it after a frustrating conversation to my husband about valentines day....only he was putting me on the whole time.... he had ordered me a valentines present hours before that conversation. It came with a card that said, "I may not say it often, but I love you more than anything." It made me cry. :) I married the most wonderful man!!
Here's what he got me....

[Autumn]

Awww....That's so sweet!

Men are just the most darling frustrating creatures...

Mine got me a box of chocolates and a sweet card that said it all...

Happy Valentine's day!!

[Amethyst Rose]

That's funny, I just posted something on your Sex Frequency thread about how things must be not so hot between you two.


On the contrary, things couldn't be better between us. We have an amazing relationship. Many couples are never as lucky as we are. We love each other very much, and practically never argue -- we've never had what I'd call a fight.



I would refrain from having more kids with this guy for now. If you can't work this out, it might cause big problems.


How could you say that?? You know nothing about our relationship to make such a personal judgement and I resent it. My husband is a wonderful father and I'll be thrilled to have more children with him. When I married him, I knew that he wasn't a big romantic. I knew that he's not big on celebrating things. If he was a romantic, etc. he wouldn't be the man I married and I probably wouldn't love him as much.



Yeah, it is interesting that you married this guy out of the three billion or so on the planet and I'm sure there's a story there.


Yeah, there is :) We fell head over heals in love with each other. He is the only man I'll ever love, and for the rest of our lives I will thank goddess that I found him.

[Hoot]

:hugz: What a nice surprise - I'm glad you had a happy Valentine's Day, Amethyst Rose!

[Cerulean]

Amethyst Rose,




I must have misinterpreted the threads that you've posted touching on differences in your marriage. It just goes to show how wrong you can be. I'm glad that as it turns out, your husband was just messing with you, telling you that he didn't get you anything for Valentine's.

[Cerulean]

Generally though, I see a lot of woman on this thread trying to talk themselves out of normal and natural desires. Well, it's not enough to call, they have to BUY THE FLOWERS. A few bouquets at strategic times. Is that soooo difficult? So, they have to buy a few cards or arrange a few dinners. It's not that hard and it fulfills a unique need that I think is natural--not imposed by society. Tangible evidence of love and affection. Romance is romance and how would they like it if we substituted a phone call or back rub for sex? Yeah.


Some petty resentment keeps them from harkening to our desires, as well as knowing they can get what they want without being romantic. There is also a fear of incompetence. So let's not enshrine male deficiency in faux-biological terms. At one time it was thought that sexual harassment, wife beating and one-sided sex were "just the way the brutes are" so "close your eyes and think of England." Men's defficiences are enclosed in lore because men are larger, stronger, richer, and emotionally ellusive, and it seems nothing can be done about them. Then a movement comes in society and boom! The unmovable changes.

You deserve the flowers.

[Isil Darkmoon]

..................

.............................................


He finally learned.

I had worried and fretted (and you all got some of my fretting!) and nearly made myself sick(er) with stress over the blasted day.

I'm thrilled to report that, for once, that was all for nil.

I awoke to a yummy smell--he was fixing me crepes for breakfast. Crepes are one of *two* things he can cook at all (the other is a double-chocolate cookie) but he does them beautifully. (He can then turn around and scorch water just about, yet does the difficult crepes wonderfully. Go figure.

He told me when dinner was, and we relaxed, did chores, played with the furbabies, for a while.

I was in the bedroom dressing for dinner--he was already ready. I asked him to take the puppy out since I was not about to in heels! He did, was gone a while, and came back in. When he brought Java back in, the dog would not be silent. This is a puppy that almost never barks, so his barking was worring me. I told Andrew to please check on Java and see what the problem was because that wasn't normal behavior. The dog finally quieted down and I was ready to go.

I stepped into the other room to see Andrew trying to keep a cute stuffed shaggy white dog out of Java's line of vision. My puppy had been barking at the stuffed toy--one of my gifts--becuase he wanted to play with it! SO that's why he couldn't quit griinning and trying not to laugh when I asked him what was wrong with the puppy!

He also got me a yummy box of Russel Stover chocolates and a beautiful little live potted red carnation, and he took me out to a wonderful Japanese steakhouse (the kind of place where they cook your meal on a big griddle at the table and play with fire and put on a show.

I feel bad for having fretted--although with past track records it's understandable. But I'm also so very pleased and suprised that it seems to have finally changed...

Thank all you wonderful people for the support and kind thoughts. It has made a difference :)

[Hoot]

Generally though, I see a lot of woman on this thread trying to talk themselves out of normal and natural desires. Well, it's not enough to call, they have to BUY THE FLOWERS.

[...]

You deserve the flowers.

I disagree, and don't see women on this thread trying to talk themselves out of their desires.

If you like to get cut flowers, that's great, but I don't. I hope you, and everyone, gets what they want and need out of their relationships.

After years of getting $50+ bouquets of roses stuck with florist wire, my husband finally brings me what I want to get - potted, growing, living flowers that open and bloom, instead of die and rot in a vase. (Yes, I've pressed and dried some, but I like potted flowers). That's just me, but it's what makes me happy... (and I don't mean to slam what anyone else wants or gets - I can be perfectly happy for you getting them - but I'm talking about what I want.) And to me, Valentine's Day only needs a small gesture. It means more to me that he does this out of the blue, on days no one celebrates, or at a time when I need it.

In my opinion, we all deserve love, and the ability to give and show it in ways that matter to us. That's what it's really all about to me anyway, not someone telling me what I should want, or that I'm not wanting enough...