Rhyce

[RubyRose]

I don't understand the workings of a male's mind sometimes.

Okay, Rhyce got weekend leave and as of this morning (10:30pm) he's been home. It's now 8pm, and I haven't seen hide nor hair of him. I know where he is ofcourse, he's roleplaying with his mates, at one of their houses, and he has the cheek to tell me now that he shouldn't have gone. I'm sitting here thinking, if you knew you couldn't get home until after 10pm (he doesn't have a car and I believe his license is suspended - something to do with the fact that he didn't renew it in time) why did you go in the first place?
So now he's all stressed over the possibility of not being able to see me, when he's the one who caused all the problems in the first place.
If he'd sat down and thought about it, instead of acting rashly about being back home, he would have realised that I have work on Sunday and can't see him, so why not plan everything he wants to do on Sunday rather than today?
It shits me, how Rhyce just doesn't think at times.

[Kalika]

So... are you happy or sad about it?

You said something before about not wanting to have to avoid him this weekend, but feeling like you needed to... (sorry if I missed some posts in between there somewhere)...

[RubyRose]

I was a bit of both - happy and sad, when I first found out he was home for the weekend. That feeling subsided, early in the morning when I was talking to him, and I was glad he was home.

Okay so anyway, he reaches my place at about 9pm, after walking 45 from Wanneroo, and blames me. And I never outright told him he had to come over. I told him he didn't have to walk if that was his only option, I'd see him later. So he twisted the whole situation and my words to make himself feel better, and me guilty.

You see, I originally was thought to have to start work at 11:30am but was then phoned to tell me that I didn't have to work until 2pm. Ofcourse not knowing where Rhyce was I had no idea how to contact him (as he said originally he'd be up in Lancelin - and hours drive away) So when he did find out I didn't have work until 2pm, I thought that meant he was happy we'd have more time. But it only meant "well if you'd told me I wouldn't have gone in the first place" kind of thing.

But you know, if he'd told me straight that he wasn't planning on staying the night, it would have been fine, instead he lead me to believe that he was and that's where the confusion set in.

[Kalika]

Sounds like he stresses you out more than a bit.

Did things get resolved, or is it back to trying to avoid him for a bit?

[Arkanin]

Well, here is my male perspective. *hugs* he loves you, he cares about you. But he's also plenty smart... and knew the weekend would work out this way.

I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but I (based on what you are saying in your other posts) think he is probably playing dumb. He probably needs the space for one reason or another. Make sure he has access to you, but give him the space he wants if he doesn't act that interested in the weekend sweety... it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, given the problems he's going through I can intuitively imagine how he would want that space from you. I keep hearing the things you're saying, and something in me says that you need to let this guy have distance if you want his admiration to be maintained. Make sure he knows you love him while not clinging, seeming catlike almost and yet accessible, warm, and approachable, is what I would try to do. Whatever you do, don't accuse him of having played dumb, even if that is what he is probably doing. He DOES love you.. I am convinced of that.

Just my two cents.. don't take me too seriously. I am male and about his age but that is about all I have going forme.

Above all else... I really hope that this goes well for you, hon.. you have my best wishes *smile and hug*

[Xentor]

Indeed, he may be avoiding you on purpose. Not to get rid of you, but perhaps to show he feels you try to control too much.

I know from my own behaviour, that the more people tell me to do something, or ask me whether I already did something, the less likely I am to do it. Quite the opposite: I will start not doing what I'm told, or the exact opposite, untill they notice that they're attention is bugging me.

I agree with Arkanin. He might need the distance right now. During his time in the hospital he probably has had no alone time. I suggest granting him that distance. Let him know you'll be there when he needs you. Let him come to you.

[Juniecat]

I know from my own behaviour, that the more people tell me to do something, or ask me whether I already did something, the less likely I am to do it. Quite the opposite: I will start not doing what I'm told, or the exact opposite, untill they notice that they're attention is bugging me.



Oi! Comments like this are why there are books written to help men and women communicate. This is my husband to a tea. If I ask him to do something, I'm nagging him (even if it's the first time I've asked) but he never does anything of his own volition that might be even remotely considerate. (Oh...he'll buy flowers and jewelry, but do you think he'd wash one stinking dish...never!)

As for Rhyce, I agree with the guys assessment to back off, but not for the same reasons. Quite frankly, I think women spend too much time and effort putting their own feelings on the shelf to try and be what we think men want us to be. Show him you are perfectly capable of enjoying your life whether or not he chooses to be part of it, and maybe he'll start thinking a little more of YOUR feelings.

(I should probably add that this is the first thread I have read of this, and I gather from the posts that there are others, so if my assessment is way off track from what you have said in other posts, just ignore me :rolleyes: )

[mudweed]

I know from my own behaviour, that the more people tell me to do something, or ask me whether I already did something, the less likely I am to do it. Quite the opposite: I will start not doing what I'm told, or the exact opposite, untill they notice that they're attention is bugging me.

I agree with Arkanin. He might need the distance right now. During his time in the hospital he probably has had no alone time. I suggest granting him that distance. Let him know you'll be there when he needs you. Let him come to you.
I agree with Xentor here, for the reasons both he and juniecat said. I personally hate nothing more than being worried over. It makes me agitated and inaccessible, and in Rhyce's position particularly, where so much is at stake, I imagine he may be having quite the same reaction. I also think the others were right when they said he does love you, and you are certainly doing your best... perhaps too much so, to your own detriment. Let him know you're there for him, but give your soul a rest, too. :hugz:

[RubyRose]

Okay, but he knows my personality, and I'll worry about him til death does inevitably claim him. Heaven forbid.
Someone mentioned being clingy, I'm not, hardly. Hell if he'd told me straight that he wasn't coming over than fine. The fact was that everything yesterday was so damn unorganised that I didn't know that he wasn't coming over.
Maybe, Rhyce likes playing these little games that keep me tied up in knots. Who knows.
And if he wanted space all he has to do is ask? I know just as much as he does, how stressful and confusing the past week has been. Last thing we need is both of us skating around avoiding certain things that are playing on our minds. That's only going to make matters worse.
Hell, maybe even Rhyce doesn't know what he wants or doesn't want right now. So while your all agreeing and patting yourselves on the back, just remember one thing. I'm new to the world of mental problems, and certainly new when it comes to backing off. I only know how to be there for him, that's all I've been doing lately, so when somebody tells me to just back away a little, it's hard to let go. When it comes to self recovery, I don't even know where to start. I've been mixed up in knots of stress, anxiety and sleep deprivation, that I don't know any different.
Sorry, if anything I said was a little harsh, but I'm at odds of what I'm supposed to be doing.

[Xentor]

Dear, you must have realised by now that men don't usually talk about their feelings and emotions. Asking for distance would be like giving in and opening up - very hard to do. We'd rather have you annoyed.

I think Juniecat is right. He's out of the hospital. Take some time for yourself. Show him you can be happy by yourself and don't need to have him around all the time. When you show how strong you are, he'll come to you.

Take that time. You deserve it.

[RubyRose]

I do realise that guys don't talk about all that, but sometimes I just wish they would. Particularly Rhyce, and with all he's going through right now. I can't help if I don't know whats going on, ya know?

[Xentor]

Then stop helping him directly, and start taking care of yourself for a change. You can't help him when you're a bundle, can you?

[RubyRose]

Um ... I guess not !?

[Arkanin]

Then stop helping him directly, and start taking care of yourself for a change. You can't help him when you're a bundle, can you?

I agree with this... for your sake and the sake of preserving your relationship with him. Just me making a lot of assumptions based on a few words you typed, so it can't mean that much, I know.

[Kalika]

I know from my own behaviour, that the more people tell me to do something, or ask me whether I already did something, the less likely I am to do it. Quite the opposite: I will start not doing what I'm told, or the exact opposite, untill they notice that they're attention is bugging me.


:lol: This is exactly how I am too. :) Cept I'm a girl, of course.


Hell, maybe even Rhyce doesn't know what he wants or doesn't want right now. So while your all agreeing and patting yourselves on the back, just remember one thing. I'm new to the world of mental problems, and certainly new when it comes to backing off. I only know how to be there for him, that's all I've been doing lately, so when somebody tells me to just back away a little, it's hard to let go. When it comes to self recovery, I don't even know where to start. I've been mixed up in knots of stress, anxiety and sleep deprivation, that I don't know any different.
Sorry, if anything I said was a little harsh, but I'm at odds of what I'm supposed to be doing.

:hugz: Maybe you should just tell him, that if he's going or not going to come over, just to tell you, and that either way is OK? So that you can avoid this in the future, and then spend the time away from him doing something for yourself.... rather than worrying. Just let him know what happened, and why you feel the way you do... a relationship is about communication and compromise, so hopefully he'll understand and agree.

I think that a lot of people in your situation would have caved or gone crazy long ago, so hang in there if that's what you want or need to do. Just remember, that you can't be there for him if YOU get sick, and that goes emotionally or physically. Even though he's ill, you can't take the entire burden upon yourself, no matter how hard you try. :) And in the end, that isn't going to be what he needs. He's going to need to figure out for himself that his life is worth living, and getting better is in his best interest. All you can do is be one of those things that he finds worth living for. And from what it sounds like - everything you've done for him - should show him that.

If it doesn't, he's not ready to see it. And maybe time is what you both need.

You're entitled to be a little testy hon. Look back over some of your old posts, and see where you have been. Has any progress been made? What would you change? Is there anything you can do now to help both of you?

Sometimes a little perspective and looking back helps.

Blessings,

Kalika