Give Me Some Advice!

[ambermystique]

I'm going to share a story with all of you MWers. I'm hoping to get some advice regarding my behavior or what my behavior should have been. Feel free to be completely honest. I am hoping to find out if I just acted like a b*tch because of the "monthly visitor" (women you know what I'm talking about) or if I had every right to be angered. Here's my story...
My best friend since 3rd grade has recently (for the past 2-3 months) been complaining about us rarely getting to solely hang out with each other. There are always others around. I only go out on Fridays (sometimes Saturdays too) because I'm very busy with school during the week. I go with a large group of friends to bars downtown. She can't very well expect to go to the bars and only hang out with just me. We live in an area of about 60,000 - so, its quite difficult to go out on a Friday night and not run into people you know. Anyways...this has been a running complaint of hers, which I agree with. Nevertheless, for the past 2 years she has been with her 35 year old boyfriend constantly (she's 22), she moved in with him, when he's at work she visits him, blah blah blah. So I've been experiencing the "never hang out just the two of us" thing for quite some time. However, I don't really mind. I realize that we are growing up. We have new people in our lives. We both have school, work, friends, family, etc. There is little time left.
For the past month, she has been asking me to go with her to the STL Art Museum. Every single weekend she says that we will go if she doesn't have to work. She is a pet groomer and boarder, so she sometimes has sudden appointments on the weekends. Every weekend I've planned on hanging out with just her and spending the day in STL. After all, she's the one who has been making a huge deal out of the whole thing. On Sunday evening I spoke to her. She was quite excited because she was off of work on Monday, and I am on Spring Break from school - so we could go to the STL Art Museum on Monday. She did say that she had to make sure that there were no sudden appointments made, so she'd call me around 11am-12pm on Monday to let me know. She called at about 12:15pm and said that we were good to go. She didn't have to go in. Then she proceeded to tell me that she had just asked her friend Matt to go with us, and he was going. For one.) I don't know the guy... For two.) She has made a massive deal about us just hanging out with each other lately... For three.) My feelings are hurt that she was so inconsiderate as to not ask me if I cared that he went.
Now, here is a summary of my complaints, which I relayed to her as well. I told her that I was hurt that she didn't care to see if it was ok with me. I don't even know the guy, so why would I want to spend the whole day and evening with him. I felt like I would totally be the third wheel. She is quite an attractive girl, and I know that most guys who are "just her friend" are actually looking for quite a bit more, considering she is one of the biggest flirts ever. I don't want to be around her and some guy acting like high school crushes to each other all day. I just had a girl that I slightly knew murdered by a guy that I know, and I'm not comfortable right now hanging out with random guys. (With which she replied...come on, he's not going to hurt anyone! However, the same definitely had been said about the murderer.) Overall, I'm just really annoyed with her insane plight about us never being able to hang out alone, then deciding to invite some guy at the very last minute.
She decided after I made my case that she was going to be angry with me instead. She said that when she goes out on Fridays she never gets mad because other people are around. I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. It is a well-known fact amongst all of my friends and family that I always go out downtown to the bars on Fridays - always (unless I am ill). It would be insane for her to ever expect to go downtown and just hang out with me. There is absolutely no possible way for that to happen. She was saying how she doesn't get angry when I am always hanging out with other people downtown. For one.) I don't ever go downtown with her, she just meets all of us down there because she is always leaving early because she has to work or go see her man. For two.) She could never expect me to just talk to her when there are 50 other people that I know at the same bar. For three.) It wouldn't be fun for either of us to be at a packed bar only talking to each other.
She began telling me that she didn't even want to go to the art museum anymore because the reason she wanted to go was because I was going with her. I was wondering if that was the case, then why was this guy invited? I, eventually, told her that I was getting off of the phone because I was tired of arguing, and I wasn't backing down because I felt that I was in the right with my feelings. She is angry with me...I am angry with her...
We haven't talked since.
I am not going to apologize unless I know for sure that I was wrong. (i.e. ya'll tell me that I'm wrong!)
Lately I've been the type of person that has been keeping the peace between all of my friends and listening to all of their problems. (I've almost always been this person.) I've been doing almost anything to keep the drama away from myself (i.e. apologizing for things that aren't even my fault, etc.). I see all of the petty things that all of them go through and the numerous things that they complain about that are basically pointless and a waste of time (and simply not a big deal - I'd hate to see if something really bad happened...). I don't want to be like them complaining and whining to everyone and arguing about stupid things, so I'm always apologizing for nothing and smoothing things over for everyone. However, I'm pissed now, and I'm not backing down unless I know that I'm wrong.
Please let me know what ya'll think.
I need some advice.
Keep in mind that I will not apologize to her unless I'm seriously wrong. (so don't even suggest it :) )
Thanks all...
peace and love,
amber

[Boogins]

You sure don't sound wrong to me. What she did (inviting the guy) was downright rude, esp. after all this "just the two of us" talk.

I know sometimes it seems rotten inside to be honest. But you had every reason to tell her off. And good for you that you did.

[ambermystique]

You sure don't sound wrong to me. What she did (inviting the guy) was downright rude, esp. after all this "just the two of us" talk.

I know sometimes it seems rotten inside to be honest. But you had every reason to tell her off. And good for you that you did.
Thanks Boogins!
Plus, just to make this clear...this is the real story...not sugar-coated or made to sound like I'm the "good guy." I haven't given any exaggerated details or anything on that order...
peace and love,
amber

[Boogins]

:)

Oh, hey, and did that little program finally arrive, I hope...?

[ambermystique]

:)

Oh, hey, and did that little program finally arrive, I hope...?
actually, no.
it didn't arrive dear!
nevertheless, thanks for all of the help, and yes i do wonder where it was delivered to!
no worries though...
i appreciate all of your help!
peace and love,
amber

[Boogins]

YAAAAAARGH!!

Just watch, you'll get five of them in your inbox in the morning...

[Sylvan]

*Disclaimer: PWI*

People grow apart. Friends grow apart. When there are Significant Others in your life (or hers, or whoevers'), you grow apart. This "oh just you and me... an Matt" crap is just that- crap. She probably doesn't know how to be around you anymore and needs him (or anybody, really) for a safety net in case things get tense between you two- she's always got him to talk to. Don't let her steal a moment of your precious sleep. Write her off if you have to. It happens.

[Moon Daughter]

breaking a friendship over something this small would seem quite ridiculous to me.
besides, i don't think it's just this specific situation. you guys are growing apart, and maybe neither one wants to admit to it, which is why you fight and blame it on each other.

but if i were you, i wouldn't 'stay pissed'. it's not good, neither for you nor for her, or the friendship. besides, does it really matter, who is 'right' or who is 'wrong'?

[MoonIsis]

Well, if she can't at least say she is sorry I would say it's not worth my time. Sounds like she has better things to do anyways. I know the feeling...those "we never hang out" friends that never try to make plans to hang out, but will all and whine to you how much they miss you...I really don't waste my time with that any more. If they want to hang out with me, make some effort to get to know me by showing up or calling me back.

[ambermystique]

breaking a friendship over something this small would seem quite ridiculous to me.
besides, i don't think it's just this specific situation. you guys are growing apart, and maybe neither one wants to admit to it, which is why you fight and blame it on each other.

but if i were you, i wouldn't 'stay pissed'. it's not good, neither for you nor for her, or the friendship. besides, does it really matter, who is 'right' or who is 'wrong'?Its not a matter of who is right and who is wrong. Its a matter of a lack of consideration. I have made it a point to keep every single Saturday for the past 2-3 months clear, so that if possible, we'd go to the art museum. Then, when we are finally able to, she goes and invites a stranger. If we are growing apart, then so be it. However, she has always been "inconsiderate," and never realizes anything that she does wrong. I'm just entirely too tired of "putting up with it." I've always eventually (a couple of days later) let it go. Nevertheless, I feel as if she is old enough now to start living in the real world and realizing that you can't always forget other people's feelings, and you sometimes have to do exactly what you say you are going to do. She has the tendency to never call when she says she will, she doesn't keep appointments, she's never on time, etc. etc. etc. I've just always accepted it as part of her personality. I always just let it roll off of my back because I am very, very used to it. Now I'm tired of it. I haven't had the opportunity to hang out with just her in a long time, so I thought she may actually be reliable and follow with our initial plan. I just feel like I'm tired of getting walked on. I'm tired of the "I don't have to ever follow the plan" type of attitude. I do not plan on "ending the friendship." I just am not going to give in. That may seem childish, but if that's what it takes, then so be it. If she doesn't get it, then I guess I'll see her on the flip side. (I've always wanted to use that phrase...) I am NOT the type of person that really takes any crap from anyone, but she's been my friend forever. I'd gotten to the point in the past few years where I didn't look at it as if she was walking all over me. She does the above listed things always, to almost everyone (except the boyfriend). I just didn't care if she did it anymore. I'd invite her somewhere and not really care if she showed up or not. (I mean, I would like her to show up, but if she didn't, I didn't care too much. It didn't bother me in the least bit.)
peace and love,
amber

[Jenne]

I agree with Kurgarra, Boogins and MoonIsis.

People are rude and inconsiderate alot, I find. And unless you call them on it, phhht!, you just get stuck with it over and over.

And it's not YOU who is throwing away the relationship. It's HER if she can't keep to the plan and treat you with the respect you deserve. No need to bend over and take it in the name of "friendship."

Of course, if she sees your point and asks for forgiveness, wanting to keep your relationship, etc., I'd forgive her. But at least NOW she knows where you stand, and that you won't be taking her bs anymore!

*I've dealt with this often and therefore have a strong opinion--can't ya tell? :lol:*

[Juniecat]

I'm sorry that you're fighting with an old friend...I know how awful that can be. I don't blame you for not giving in. I've spent a good chunk of my life apologizing for things that weren't my fault, and in the end, that never solves anything.

Hopefully, it will just turn out that you caught her in an embarrassing situation when you confronted her with doing just what she had been complaining about (inviting someone else into private time) and she just got defensive. It happens to a lot of people when they know they are wrong. Hopefully in a few days she will calm down and be ready to talk about things. My advice would be not to apologize if you don't really feel it, but be open to discussion and let her kind of come to you about the whole thing. After all, it would be a huge waste to let an old friendship die.

[MoonIsis]

Its not a matter of who is right and who is wrong. Its a matter of a lack of consideration. I have made it a point to keep every single Saturday for the past 2-3 months clear, so that if possible, we'd go to the art museum. Then, when we are finally able to, she goes and invites a stranger. If we are growing apart, then so be it. However, she has always been "inconsiderate," and never realizes anything that she does wrong. I'm just entirely too tired of "putting up with it." I've always eventually (a couple of days later) let it go. Nevertheless, I feel as if she is old enough now to start living in the real world and realizing that you can't always forget other people's feelings, and you sometimes have to do exactly what you say you are going to do. She has the tendency to never call when she says she will, she doesn't keep appointments, she's never on time, etc. etc. etc. I've just always accepted it as part of her personality. I always just let it roll off of my back because I am very, very used to it. Now I'm tired of it. I haven't had the opportunity to hang out with just her in a long time, so I thought she may actually be reliable and follow with our initial plan. I just feel like I'm tired of getting walked on. I'm tired of the "I don't have to ever follow the plan" type of attitude. I do not plan on "ending the friendship." I just am not going to give in. That may seem childish, but if that's what it takes, then so be it. If she doesn't get it, then I guess I'll see her on the flip side. (I've always wanted to use that phrase...) I am NOT the type of person that really takes any crap from anyone, but she's been my friend forever. I'd gotten to the point in the past few years where I didn't look at it as if she was walking all over me. She does the above listed things always, to almost everyone (except the boyfriend). I just didn't care if she did it anymore. I'd invite her somewhere and not really care if she showed up or not. (I mean, I would like her to show up, but if she didn't, I didn't care too much. It didn't bother me in the least bit.)
peace and love,
amber

I used to have a friend like this. Ever have a friend that is the opposite? Like you feel they are using you? I had a girlfriend that used to come over and chill w/ me all the time...but every time she came over she was more interested in asking me if I had any weed then actually just chilling and talking or going for a walk. She never once came over with any bud to offer me and I was always the one to have some for her. She also used to LIE to her mother and tell her she was staying at my house, tell me she was going to stay over, but then suddenly get a phone call when we are playing some video games from a "friend". we go and meet the friend and hang out with him, who happens to be the latest guy she's messing with, and eventually, she says "do you mind if I stay over Joe Blow's house tonight?". she drops me off, and instead of spending the night at my house, she spends it at some guys house. She then would call me the next day asking if her mom called or not. She called once from South Street here in Philly like "i'm down on south street shopping! Did my mom call?". How NICE! You use me as your safety net so you can lie and go screw some guy AND go to south street when we were supposed to hang out and maybe go to South Street or go shopping. Well, one time her boyfriend called my house- she was cheating on him with this "other friend"- Her boyfriend asked where she was. I wasn't going to lie for her. I told him she wasn't there. He said "Well, I called her house and her mom told me that she is at your house". I told him that she slept over some her other guy friends house and that she never slept over my house. I think he might have told her mom too. She never really stayed over much after that, and well, I got my parents to say I was never home when she called. I didn't have to take that crap. Better off having a friend that respect me more then putting up with one that doesn't respect me at all.

My opinion? Don't let her get to you. Sounds like you really aren't missing much by NOT hanging out with her. Maybe use the time to hang out with your friends you like on Friday nights, meet some new friends on Friday, ask them to go to the museum with you or to the movies. When someone gets on all your nerves that much, it's better to let them go.

[Faeawyn]

First of all, let me say that what she did inviting that guy along was BS. It makes no sense at all.....that being said, I guess the big question is how important is this friendship to you. Friendships are alot like love relationships....they take ALOT of work and patience. I'm not saying you should put up with crap like that from her, but if friendships are important, you may need to ask yourself is it work sitting down and talking to try to save this relationship. I'd explain to her how hurt you were, and how you thought it was important for both of you to try to spend some quality time alone together. If she doesn't get it, then it's true.....you've grown too far apart. Guess its time to cut your losses and move on.
Friends are a precious gift to me....but if someone gave me a dog as a gift and it kept biting me....I'd get rid of that damn dog :lol:

[ambermystique]

I agree with Kurgarra, Boogins and MoonIsis.

People are rude and inconsiderate alot, I find. And unless you call them on it, phhht!, you just get stuck with it over and over.

And it's not YOU who is throwing away the relationship. It's HER if she can't keep to the plan and treat you with the respect you deserve. No need to bend over and take it in the name of "friendship."

Of course, if she sees your point and asks for forgiveness, wanting to keep your relationship, etc., I'd forgive her. But at least NOW she knows where you stand, and that you won't be taking her bs anymore!

*I've dealt with this often and therefore have a strong opinion--can't ya tell? :lol:*
I just want to let everyone know that I am very appreciate of all of the advice...keep it comin'!!!

I do want to clear up one thing. This may change the situation. I forgot to include it in the first post.

After my anger was revealed to her, she had an excuse for asking the guy. She said that she wanted him to go because he knew the way there much better. However, she never said anything in the past few months about being confused about directions. We had mapquest directions, which even a monkey could understand. She said that she didn't feel entirely comfortable about driving into STL just her and I. Nevertheless, we've done it a few times before. Also, she never asked me to drive - of which I would've had no problem with.

Also, she has been hanging out with this guy increasingly in the past few months. However, she is engaged to another guy. I am not saying that she is cheating or isn't allowed to have guy friends. Its just an odd situation to me, and I did not want to be subjected to the "odd situation" all day and night long.

Change anything??

thanks all,
peace and love,
amber

(sorry for the forgetfullness regarding her excuse!)

[Nighthawk]

I think you are basically right... I mean, you could go out and be her doormat if you wish... but, Hmmm... Nope... probably better off without

[Xeen]

I'm sorry, but I can't figure out why you're friends with her. She is definatly not the kinda person I'd be friends with.

But, I don't think you're in the wrong at all.

[Jenne]

AM, her "explanation" for needing the guy to go with you sounds like a lame excuse, and you obviously thought so too. I think your instincts are right. Go with them.

If you still feel the need to be in touch "for auld lang syne" and all that, then send her a card in the mail or something. But I think the ball is in her court. She needs to realize that treating people like her footslaves is not only not cool, but it won't get her any lasting relationships with worthy individuals (such as yourself!).

:hugz:

[turtlerain46]

Personally I think you were completly justified in your response. First of all it's always RUDE to invite another person somewhere without asking others.Then of course there's the simple fact that she was making such a big too-do about you guys spending quality time together.

[ambermystique]

I appreciate all of the advice.

However, I've got more to ask of you...I know, I know...I just take, take, take... :)

I have been friends with her forever. Her family is basically my family. She is the type of friend where when I went away to school for a couple of years, we'd pick right up where we left off when I returned. I can't afford to lose that type of friendship! (I mean, come on! Its the longest running one that I've ever had! Also, I can't say that I've got many friendships that have lasted even close to that amount of time - unless you include my family. :)

I DO NOT WANT TO "GIVE IN."

I really just want her to realize that she is so very wrong and can be a major b*tch sometimes, let alone inconsiderate, forgetful, never on time...etc. etc. etc.

Can I get her to figure this out? Can I get her to realize that I am really her only "girl" friend, and the only reason she has a few "guy" friends is because they are wanting a bit more? If not, should I just scrap the friendship?

peace and love,
amber