Calling DSS

[Jackiedanielz]

I realize this is a touchy subject but I need help. My boyfriends children are going through some tough stuff and I am being asked to call and report on their mother. I've been going back & forth on this for a few weeks now and I am going insane.

I'm looking for a little feedback here & maybe a little strength.

I need to make this phone call for the safety and well being of my boyfriends' children but I don't want to screw up the possibility of him being able to get custody.

I know that it can be made anonymously but I don't want to walk into a question and blow things for him either.

[Valkie]

you need another option. No, but would if there was no choice. I PM'd my view on the situation, just because I know you guys and didn't know how much info you wanted out here.

:smooch:

[Faeawyn]

ouch...thats a tough situation. You need to be absolutely, beyond a shadow of a doubt certain that you're doing whats best for the children and their mother. Are the children being physically abused? Thats intolerable....How will the children react to being taken away from their mother? Will it devistate the mother to lose her children? Will your boyfriend benefit at all from you reporting them? If you do it, is it something you can live with?
You really need to reach deep inside yourself for this one.

[Phoenix Blue]

Why are you being asked? They're your boyfriend's children, are they not?

[Gareth]

I used to live in Ma, I know how nutty DSS is up there.
Please make sure it's the right thing to do BEFORE you call.

[Faeawyn]

Why are you being asked? They're your boyfriend's children, are they not?
valid question...

[Jackiedanielz]

ouch...thats a tough situation. You need to be absolutely, beyond a shadow of a doubt certain that you're doing whats best for the children and their mother. Are the children being physically abused? Thats intolerable....How will the children react to being taken away from their mother? Will it devistate the mother to lose her children? Will your boyfriend benefit at all from you reporting them? If you do it, is it something you can live with?
You really need to reach deep inside yourself for this one.


You're right, this is a tough situation, and my views on calling DSS may be skewed because I myself am not a mother. Their father & I want to do what is best for these children. So let me answer a few of your questions.

These children are not being physically abused but are witnessing domestic abuse between the mother & her boyfriend.

One of the children has repeatedly asked to move back in with his dad.

The mother is willing to let her parents raise these children until she gets back on her feet.

My boyfriend is the one that asked me to make the call, figuring that the mother will not discover who filed the report, in which case will not start any problems between them. I just found out that alot of the allegations we have is not enough to have MA DSS investigate, which to me is sad.

There are multiple suspicions of substance abuse, the police & her are on a first name basis due to all the domestic assaults, the school has recently stepped in due to concern of their grades, how they are falling asleep in school, because the kids are asking to go home because they are concerned about their mom, and they have been missing school for no reason, and that they are always going to the nurses office sick.

Here in MA their only concern is that these kids are not going to school, not the fact that they are witnessing their mom fist fighting with her boyfriend, or the fact that she's coked up when they come home, and not even the fact that she hasn't changed their underwear in 3 days OR even that she put plastic bags on the little girls feet in the middle of a snowstorm because she couldn't find any socks (while the son had on 4 pairs). Just that they missed a day or two of school.

I'm in a tough spot, because what I think is best for these kids may not be what others think. And, again, these are not my children, so who am I to say what is best. I just cannot fathom the emotional abuse that they are getting from all of this.

I will let you all know that I did not/will not call. The school guidance counselor is a social worker, who is mandated by the state to report any suspicions of abuse or neglect. She had to go to their house yesterday to pick these kids up and bring them to school.

I want you all to know that I love these children like they were my own. I want them to grow up happy & healthy, whether it be with their mom or their dad. They don't deserve any of this and it stinks that they have to deal with what they do.

I knew this thread would bring up a lot of questions, and would make me question if what I was thinking about doing was right or not. I'm just trying to do what is best here, but not being a mom myself I guess I just don't know.

[DayDreamer]

Seems to me that the more acceptable course of action given the scenario you have described would be.... that the father of the children should petition the court for physical custody. Going through proper legal channels.

[Jackiedanielz]

Seems to me that the more acceptable course of action given the scenario you have described would be.... that the father of the children should petition the court for physical custody. Going through proper legal channels.

Yeah, he's working on that. Thanks! :)

[Blueowl]

Why doesn't your boyfriend talk to her and see if she is willing to give them to him for the time being? Or maybe find a way to put her into a detox program..also, he could make an anonominous phone call to the police and tell them there is coke use the home and see if they will investigate it....all this before the call is made.....Just a thought...keep us posted...

[Jackiedanielz]

Why doesn't your boyfriend talk to her and see if she is willing to give them to him for the time being? Or maybe find a way to put her into a detox program..also, he could make an anonominous phone call to the police and tell them there is coke use the home and see if they will investigate it....all this before the call is made.....Just a thought...keep us posted...

Great minds think alike! :)

He has been talking to her, I think we are actually getting them starting this Monday, but we'll see if she changes her mind. If she's asking her parents to watch them then he legally can go get them because he's the dad. He already told her that he will not allow her to give the kids to her parents, there is no reason that he cannot have them if she's willing to give them up. She obviously knows she needs help, lets just hope she has the strength to get it.

Thanks for the response. :hugz:
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Is this poll working? it's not showing any votes. think i messed it up in my options.

<edit> ahhhh, its just that no one was voting.....

[Valkie]

Sweetie, just so you know, all the reasons you listed are the reasons that they get involved. DSS has a web site, and according to them, abuse/neglect can be anything that causes physical, emotional, or mental injuries. Their definitions are so vague that if they wanted to push the issue, you telling your kid that they can't have a lollipop can be considered emotional abuse.

On top of that, they are required by law to investigate EVERY report that comes into the office, no matter how inane it is. They may not set up a service plan for all of them, but they are required to investigate. They are also forbidden to release who filed the report. Granted, most people can figure it out by what is said in the report, but they can't tell you who did.

[lovemy1dane]

Oh poor babies!! What a dreadful situation. I hope your boyfriend gets the kids.

[Irishwitchyone]

Even though I know that it might seem obvious that they'd step in, I went through similar crap with the NH DSS unit...the kids often have to be in imminent danger for them to investigate. Which, BTW, does not even come close to MY definition of imminent danger. If she can be proven to be an unfit mother through typical legal channels, that is SO definetly the better route to go because you will be sure that she won't get custody back until she changes her ways and proves it to the court. Your BF has legal rights to them, as long as there is proof of paternity filed in some way....if not, he has responsibility to prove that he is their father. HE, not her parents, would then be given temporary custody/guardianship/whatever. He can have them removed from her parents if he so desires.

I don't know if calling DSS would help, because if he's not in a postion to give them a proper home by DSS standards (a bed for each, separate rooms depending on age and sex), then they would probably be put into a foster home until other arrangements are made, and that would be just as damaging to the children.

On an off topic note, I think that I would cast a spell to protect the children, and ask for justice to be done for those in the situation. Of course, that means opening things up to Gaea's will, and trusting that she, not those involved know better.

Wishes and thoughts
Beth

Please keep us posted, or at least me! Thanks!