Anyone who's had to "Come Out" about sexuality?

[ambermystique]

As many of you know, I am struggling with my "sexual preference" at this point. I have come to the conclusion that I definitely like women, but I'm not sure about exclusivity. I have also decided that this may be the time to let my family know about it. I have always been very close with my mom, and I feel as if I'm keeping a huge secret from her (which I am).
I was wondering if any of you have had to "come out" to your family and/or friends? If so, anyone willing to share his/her story? Anyone who had someone come out to him/her? Share your story? I'm just quite afraid to "come out," and I'm afraid of the reaction I may get. My family is my major support system. I'm bipolar, and I can't be without anyone there to talk to. I just simply cannot afford to lose the only support system that I have. However, it is eating me up inside that the people I most trust are being left out "of the loop" when it comes to this aspect of myself.
I know I am probably tiring all of you lately with my incessant "give me some advice." I don't think that all of you are the reincarnations of Dear Abby. I just know that there are a wide variety of peoples from all over the world on this forum, so I figure I can get a wide variety of advice. Sounds logical to me...
So, share if you can. I'd appreciate any advice/story/shoulder that I can get. You all have been so very helpful with everything else. Thanks so much for taking time out of your lives to contribute a bit to mine!
peace and love,
amber

[Mogues]

Coming out is a different experience for everyone. When I finally told my mom that I was bisexual she didn't believe me for a long time. She just didn't get it, but we talked about it more and once she had a grasp of where I was coming from she was really cool about it. But my mom is the only person in my family who knows. My dad and I are finally at a place where we don't want to kill each other all the time, and I can't mess with that yet. So my experience was pretty chill.

A friend of mine however was completely disowned by her parents, and she has to rely completely on her chosen family for support. I'm not saying that's going to happen to you, but it does happen.

I really think it all depends on how your family views sexuality in the first place, and even then you can be surprised. Advice on this one is really hard... I would say before you say anything, make sure you're comfortable with yourself on the subject. I questioned for a long time and I didn't tell anyone until I had come to terms with it myself.

Just breath and when it's time, you'll know. Good luck hon, I know what a stressful experience this can be, but you're not alone. : )

[rain_fallen_tears]

If you feel it is time to tell...then I say it is time. From the way you describe them it seems its very possible that they will take the news well! I wish you all the luck in the world! I know what it feels like...sometimes I find myself questioning my sexuality. But I've come to the realization that I'm just too attracted to men. :lol: But its very good to know that you have made this affirmation and that you are ready to share it with those who are closest to...wishes of the very best for you. :bigredgri

[GypsyGirl]

i think i had mentioned it to people at work first, that i liked women as well, and eventually word got around to my mother, whose words were, "why are you telling people you're a lesbian?"

well. three years later, i'm living with my girlfriend. and sex and sexuality are still treated as they were when i was home - just like the military: don't ask, don't tell. *shrug* i think i prefer it that way, only because the idea of talking to my parents about anything remotely sexual is just kinda... ugh. *shudder*

but you mentioned that your family is your support system, and i'm sure you have a much better relationship with them. if i were in the situation, i think i'd try to feel out their opinions of sexuality before 'opening the closet' ;)

:hugz: best of luck to you, hon

[13thChylde]

Well, during a fight my husband called my mother and told her that I was a lesbian, but she and I haven't ever really talked about it since then. We're not close and don't have much in common, so I can't say that I think it's any of her business.

My father tends to go to the hospital when I tell him things....so again, no reason for me to tell him.

It's fairly obvious, if you visit my home and look at my paintings, pictures of me and Indrani, books....

A few coworkers and a few friends know. If I know the person is going to have a fit and not be accepting, then I don't bother telling them. I don't have time to explain things to them, esp. since my situation is quite strange. If my girlfriend lived nearby, then I would tell more people, but since they'll probably never meet her I just don't see the point.

[Aine of the Fae]

One thing I'd like to add is that if you still aren't sure about your sexuality you may want to wait until you tell very many people. It's not a good thing to seem like you're bouncing back and forth. However, you do need a support system and if you feel that you can trust your mother to try to be understanding and help you through this, then go for it. Me? My family doesn't know and I have no intention of telling them. But that's because they've already disowned my cousin for being a lesbian.

[Yvonne Belisle]

Since you are not quite sure yet you may want to try a different approach. Try explaining to your mother that you are questioning your sexuality right now. Tell her you are still trying to decide what you want out of life but the one thing you do know for sure that you want is her trust and acceptance no matter what you finally decide. Tell her you love and trust her very much or you would never have come to her with this. Explain that you have to make this choice on your own since you are the one to live with it but that you didn't want to shut her out of something so vital to your life and see where things go from there.

[Black RiverWolf]

I was so scared to tell my family that Im bisexual now they just look at it as on more thing on my list that sets me apart from the rest of the family. my dad told me no matter what i was still his little girl mom took it pretty hard for awhile my brother could careless. as for the rest of my family theyt don't care. my chosen family was like thats just Her being her. so it could go good or it could go bad my exgirlfriends family has not talked to her in years beacouse she is a lesbian

[Antoninus]

Well, I couldnt tell you the best way to come out, but I have helped other people through the same thing. If youd like someone to talk to, feel free to PM me.

[menolly]

When I 'came out' to my friends, they were all 'Oh, okay' about it. No-one really cared either way, because it wasn't going to change their opinions of me.
When I told my brother, however, he said he didn't want to know about me with men, let alone me with other women :lol:
I love my brother!

[Mithrea]

I think the trick to telling anyone anything this big (it goes for coming out of the broom closet as well) is explaining it to them in terms that *they* understand, even if it's not exactly what you want to say. To my Mom, when I came out as a witch, I eased her into it by making it part of my MA work and then constantly talking to her about my homework and papers. She's an academic, so that worked. When I wanted to tell her I liked the girlses, I prepped her by reminding her how much she hated men :lol: It sounds stupid, or maybe even manipulative but it worked and we are all as comfortable as we can be with it for now.

Two things I've learned lately is that the older I get, the more likely my family is to accept thing things I do and support me no matter what--and I've also learned that because I have mental issues, they are more likely to accept my other "differences." It's not like they think of me as normal anyway, so it's not a huge step to go, "She's a witch and she's bisexual." It's just part of my one big wierdo package. Again, that may not sound good or right, but it's working for us.

My family has also come to accept me as the most stubborn, headstrong, independent member of the family and because it works for me, they figure I know better than they do what's best for me.

Amber, I would ease your family into it. Test the waters slowly, but steadily. Get them talking about sexuality in contexts that are safe, such as about people you know or about people on television or celebrities. Talk to them about it in theory only at first. Feel them out and go from there. :)

And don't worry so much about asking us all for advice. That is what many of us come to MW for. MW is a support group in itself and we will support you and help you through all of this. :)

[Tzhebee]

90% of my friends are either bi- or gay, so coming out with them, it was like "woo hoo, let's have an orgy" KIDDING! But seriously, they were all really great about it. A couple of my closer female friends, who are not of the "switch-hitting" mentality got a little freaked. They were all of a sudden shy around me and if I happened to mention they left their zipper down, then it was a huge deal. So I sat them down and basically told them: "no offense, but I am sooo not attracted to you like that". I explained it to them like this: Your straight, you see a good looking guy-do you automatically want to f*** him? No. So just because I'm bi, doesn't mean I want to mess around with every girl I see.

I don't even remember how I told my mom. I think my kids did it for me. :) Something like "Guess what Nana? I saw mommy kiss Freya...and not on the cheek!" My sister was (suprisingly enough) pretty cool with it. She asked all kinds of questions "have you done this, that? what's this or that like? how do you this and that?" But my mom covers her ears and starts chanting "I can't hear you la la la la la. I don't want to know if you've _________ with a girl!" But, she didn't freak. My brother has no opinion one way or the other. They are the only family members who know.

Here's my advice. Only tell the people you really trust, or think *need* to know - at least until you are sure yourself. My co-workers don't know. They don't need to. My other family members would be completely freaked out by it, so I don't tell them either.

I really liked what Yvonne Thomas had to say. Read what she wrote again. :)

Best of luck to you. It will all work out in the end.

[ambermystique]

Everyone's advice has been superb.

Now, one more question...
Would it be inconsiderate or wrong to write my mother a letter? I live in the same house as her, but I write my feelings out much better than I say them. Would that be a bad way to go about it?
I still have no idea if I even am going to say anything, but I know once I can tell my mom, I won't care about telling anyone else. Its not that I think my mom will have the "worst" reaction. It's just that she is the most important one to tell, and after telling her, other people's reactions won't matter much to me.
Also, I feel like if I tell my mom/family that I am "bisexual," then she/they may think that I am "joking/being stupid/confused." When I've met anyone that is "out" bisexually, they are usually just the type of people that sleep around/slutty. I am so sorry to anyone that is bisexual (who knows? I may be too!), but that is what I've come across. I also know that is probably what my mother will think.
Who knows? Uggghhhhh...such annoyances of life!

peace and love,
amber

[Tzhebee]

My only thought to the letter is this: Write the letter. Then tell her you need to talk. Hand her the letter and sit right there with her as she reads it. Don't just leave it laying on her pillow or something like that.

But done correctly, I think a letter would be fine. Especially if your mother knows that you express yourself on paper better than you do orally.

[Xeen]

I had a good friend who finally admitted to himself that he was gay. He didn't know how my mom would feel about it (we hung out a lot together and he wanted her to be okay with it). So one day while we were in the car, I strike up a conversation, "Hey, there was this girl in my class who said she's bisexual and the other kids were getting on her back about it..." (something along those lines, and that actually DID happen, just that day or a few days before). And I managed to get her to say that she didn't mind gay people, so then I said "Good, 'cause Shawn decided he's gay".

And it was all fine and dandy ^-^

[Yvonne Belisle]

I have to agree with the other person who said if you are going to write a letter sit there while she reads it. By the way I am straight but experimented a long time ago and have a 14 year old crossdressing boy. I always thought when a kid of mine asked to borrow a bra it would be my daughter. I was wrong but don't care he is still my son and I will love him no matter what choices he makes. I will also love him even when I don't agree with his choices. I simply told him not to go around telling everyone in the neighborhood he likes to wear girl clothes because most of them won't understand.

[Yasmine Galenorn]

Everyone's advice has been superb.
Now, one more question...
Also, I feel like if I tell my mom/family that I am "bisexual," then she/they may think that I am "joking/being stupid/confused." When I've met anyone that is "out" bisexually, they are usually just the type of people that sleep around/slutty. I am so sorry to anyone that is bisexual (who knows? I may be too!), but that is what I've come across. I also know that is probably what my mother will think.
peace and love,
amber

As someone who is bisexual, I've had to deal with this attitude a lot. "Oh, you just can't make up your mind," and all that crap. The point is, for me it's the person that matters, not the gender. If I'd fallen for my ex-girlfriend on the level I did for my husband, I'd be with her today instead of him. But I didn't...and I know there are probably women out there who I could love as deeply as I love Samwise, but the fact is, I met him first and am happy in the relationship because I love him, not just his gender. If you decide to say you're bisexual, you could explain it that way--that it's a matter of being attracted to the person, not to just their gender. That's how I explained it to my family (well, told it to them, by the time I came out and talked about it, I was 30 and didn't care what they said).

Yasmine :colorful:

[MistOfTheSea86]

It took me YEARS to come out to my parents. But I knew when it was right. Something inside you tells you that it's time. I don't think anyone should do it for you, if they do, then that could potentially add more complications. As hard as it can be, this is one of those times when you need to be on your own. It is actually easier. Having a support system is great for advice, but essentially it needs to fall on you. At least that has been my experience as a coming out gay youth.

[Antoninus]

Usually most people are cool about it because they themselves are harboring doubts about thier own sexuality. One girl that hung out near where I did was openly against lesbians, she didnt have a problem with gay men but lesbians seemed to really get her riled. No one could figgure out why, at the same time, she COULD NOT hold down a boyfriend for more than a week or two, she always found some reason to dump him. About 2 weeks ago, she broke down and confessed to her best friend that she was lesbian. She was trying to force herself to be straight, and it wasnt working. At first I HATED her for being hypocritical, but she earned considerable standing in my eyes after she went up to a lesbian girl that she'd been teasing earlier that day and said she was sorry and kissed her.

The letter is a good idea, its also a good idea to sit down with her while she reads it so she doesnt take something the wrong way and the idea gets stuck in her head.