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View Full Version : Wierd... Parent question here



Eowyn
April 5th, 2004, 10:01 AM
Hej...

I got a question about parents....

Here's the deal, my dad and mom are divorced and hate eachother like fire hates rain. When I was in the hospital I got to read about Witchcraft and magic and so on... That was no problem. I got tarot cards for my birthday and so on... But when it comes to having an altar in my room... no that isnt alright.

My mom she doesnt like Wicca that much, I know because when I came out as a Wiccan she got that mellow dissapointed voice, she didnt even scream at me or something.... No reaction other whatsoever.

And then she gave me tarot cards and all that and today she found my altar, my guess is that she was going to put away some movies and saw it there. And she was like: "Emelie, do you know what you have made in your room?" and so and she then said. "I dont like it. I dont. Clean it up."

And then I ask: Why in hell does she then let me read about magic and do tarot card magic when I cant even have a tiny altar in my room? We havent had more then a 15 minute conversation last week and she let me live my own life... except when it comes to religion... I just dont get it... Can Someone please explain?

Nighthawk
April 5th, 2004, 10:04 AM
Hmmm, I guess Tarot is different to her than Wicca..... Perhaps talk to her about it... or, go into the closet about it... It is wrong to hide things and lie.... It is also wrong to harrass people about what they believe, especially since I don't get the idea you are militant or anything.. sheesh

Eowyn
April 5th, 2004, 11:04 AM
If I talk about it she puts on her mellow Im dissapointed - voice and it makes me feel really bad then and then all of the things I have thought of to say to her is just... gone. I guess she and dad are simillar in someways: both are experts on making one feel bad.

mucgwyrt
April 5th, 2004, 11:42 AM
I agree with Nighthawk, if it is so upsetting for you, don't tell her.

:hugz:

Faeawyn
April 5th, 2004, 11:44 AM
Is your mother a Christian? In her mind, reading books and tarot are probably one thing.....but an altar set up to worship "false gods" is probably something WAAAAY different. I just watched Moses on tv last night....and that part where Moses came down out of the mountains and the Jews were worshiping that golden cow freaked me out. God burned them and sent lightening bolts down on them, cracked the earth and swallowed them up. :hairraise Scared the crap outta me.
I think its really cool that she's allowed you the freedom to read books and even bought you tarot cards. Perhaps it would be better if you disguised your altar for now, until your old enough to move out on your own.

LittleRhiannon
April 5th, 2004, 12:34 PM
try to make it look like it could possibly be something else, just a small table with candles, ect. My alter is very simple, and looks like it could just be a bed-side to anyone who didn't know I had an alter in there.

Otherwise, here's a solution. If you have a chest of drawers, clean one out, and then you can keep your ritual supplies, ect. in it, and when you need to do ritual, take out the drawer, and turn it upside down so it's a table.

If you'd rather try and convince your mom to let you have one up, you could try makeing HER feel bad. Explain to her that your alter helps you feel closer to your gods, and helps you pray, and without it you would feel cut off from your gods...ect. Ask her how she'd feel if she could never pray to her god (if she's christian that is). It might work.

Autumn
April 5th, 2004, 12:45 PM
Simply and bluntly put, she can pretend that if she gives you the books and such you might grow out of it but the altar is too much for her. I suggest you spread your altar items around your room and only draw them into one place to do a ritual.

I hope you will be patient and gentle with her...the more mature you are about it the better you will feel over time. Hugs and support!

menolly
April 5th, 2004, 06:22 PM
I agree entirely with Autumn - in fact it was what I was going to say almost down to each word! :hugz:

Eowyn
April 6th, 2004, 01:44 AM
Is your mother a Christian? In her mind, reading books and tarot are probably one thing.....but an altar set up to worship "false gods" is probably something WAAAAY different. I just watched Moses on tv last night....and that part where Moses came down out of the mountains and the Jews were worshiping that golden cow freaked me out. God burned them and sent lightening bolts down on them, cracked the earth and swallowed them up. :hairraise Scared the crap outta me.
I think its really cool that she's allowed you the freedom to read books and even bought you tarot cards. Perhaps it would be better if you disguised your altar for now, until your old enough to move out on your own.

No mom isnt Christian... Anything but Christian... She has sort of my view on that Christ and all that are just a big cult (although I respect the ppl, exept my dad then, that believes in God and all that). She's afraid of religion - she always has so...

And to spread around the things where a great idea but for now I'll keep the stuff in boxes..... ;)

And Im also doing this and soon as I feel as if she is going to drag up the whole altar thing I start talking like: "Wasnt CSI good today?" Or something to make her loose track - making no more strange moments

bluglass
April 6th, 2004, 02:21 PM
Simply and bluntly put, she can pretend that if she gives you the books and such you might grow out of it but the altar is too much for her. I suggest you spread your altar items around your room and only draw them into one place to do a ritual.

I hope you will be patient and gentle with her...the more mature you are about it the better you will feel over time. Hugs and support!

Speaking as a parent who some day will in all likelyhood have this or some similar conversation with her own children, get on my soapbox. Let me preface that I am Jewish and very openminded. I am called to a path not strictly of my ancestors. I am called to be openmined and questioning. To that end I teach my children with a variety of terms and to have respect for the difference in terms that people use and to realize that in the end we are all talking about the same thing.

I have a problem with the suggestions to hide an alter. This is, in a way, decitful and rather hypocritical. First of all I would not want my child to hide anything from me. I would be personally insulted, and more importantly, sad should my child feel the need to hide something. Even and especially if s/he thinks I would disagree with it. Sure there are some things that are private that I shouldn't know about and don't want to know about. I.e., I don't want the details of what a good kisser your date is. I do want to know that you are being sexually responsible and want to talk about those details.

I do not necessarily want or need to know the exact details about your religious worship but I do want to know that you are committed and and have a link to something that is so important to you.

Should you be allowed to choose your own way at your age, perhaps. On the one hand you are growing up and will make your own choices and take your own path. On the other hand you are still living in the home of your parents and no matter how old you are it would be simply polite to not violate whatever their religious or personal preferences are without getting a concession from them. You sound well reasoned, trying hard not to be too highly reactive. Nor do you sound like you are all down on your parents and mom's reaction in particular. You sound, rather, as if you are trying to reason this out and be reasonable.

Consider that to your parents, you are still, very much, their little girl. Not in the sense of being a baby and incapable of making rational decisions or being responsible but you will always be their child. As such, no matter how old you are, even why you are on your own your mom will still use that quite, disappointed voice with you. Please remember that "mom" isn't making you feel anything. Your response to her voice is strictly your own reaction. If your words dry up and you feel like you have disappointed (or whatever your response is) then take that and examine it. Use it. Why are you reacting to mom as you are anyway? What is it that is so important that you are backing down to her. And I must admit that being quite is probably a whole lot better than the yelling, screaming, throwing things out kind of reaction.

Back to the wise words to be gentle and patient. Your parent's have raised a rational, thinking being. Good for them. They sound like wonderful parents to have raised a child who is capable of thinking though and seeking wisdom in a difficult situation rather than charging off like a rhino in a china shop. As a parent I think it was evidence of an amount of open-minded on the part of your mom that she bought you books and tarot cards. Would it not be a part of being Wiccan to take advantage of a situation that is open to dialog and run with it?

Formulate a presentation of your beliefs, why you think it is time for you to have, on display an alter. Be able to explain the meaning and significance of the objects you display. Also formulate a series of questions that are pointed. In other words they are designed to elicite specific, narrow responses that on the whole will get you an understanding of mom, and dad's, beliefs, the issue they take with your alter being on display etc. Keep on point, don't elaborate. Move though all your questions as consecutively as you can. Make notes and then come back to elaborate on whatever bubbled up to the top. If you must elaborate on a point stay focused and know when to stop the conversation and come back to it. Use debate techniques without being advarsarial. This should not be adversarial. An adversarial situation to me seems decidely unWiccan and is a red flag to examine oneself more closely.

Sending you energy to engage in thought provoking and insiteful conversation, to become closer to your parents and grow spiritually together as a family. In my house that would be an awsome I hope you can inspire the same.

Denise

Eowyn
April 6th, 2004, 03:57 PM
I have a problem with the suggestions to hide an alter. This is, in a way, decitful and rather hypocritical. First of all I would not want my child to hide anything from me. I would be personally insulted, and more importantly, sad should my child feel the need to hide something. Even and especially if s/he thinks I would disagree with it.

Well that I can understand... I mean if I where a parent I wouldnt hide it but right now... I dont have that much of a choice... And that's bad... I would like to have another choice but because my mother is so religiously scared because of my father's brothers (gave away two cars to someone because God said and one married someone that he had known for like two weeks because God said it was the right thing to do) and what happend to them when they became Christian she doesnt let me do anything religious - and that is somewhat understandable. She's my parent and she wants to take care of me.


You sound well reasoned, trying hard not to be too highly reactive. Nor do you sound like you are all down on your parents and mom's reaction in particular. You sound, rather, as if you are trying to reason this out and be reasonable.

Thank you :hugz:


Why are you reacting to mom as you are anyway? What is it that is so important that you are backing down to her. And I must admit that being quite is probably a whole lot better than the yelling, screaming, throwing things out kind of reaction

Well, I love my mom and I dont ehh... love my father excatly and I guess it feels like I would be loosing both of my parents if I didnt back down and my mom has always been closest to my heart and I love her very much, and I guess making have that mellow voice and not that whole yelling things (which I might take in some level that she cares for me... oddly enough) is just as if she doesnt care or something...


Back to the wise words to be gentle and patient. Your parent's have raised a rational, thinking being. Good for them. They sound like wonderful parents to have raised a child who is capable of thinking though and seeking wisdom in a difficult situation rather than charging off like a rhino in a china shop

Thank you! - again :hugz: That's really sweet and my mom is really sweet... But I dont know how much my dad has got to do with the raising thing but still - thanks. :hugz:

I might talk about this with my mother and not doing this whole stalling thing but it's... hard... since I dont have a clue what to say to her and that mellow voice... gessh... Im not looking forward to it. But offcourse - she had seen 'The Craft' where one of the main characters was droven mad so she might not change opition even if I explained.... But someday I will try.

Please, keep comming with suggestions - I really need them