I'm Sorry...

[Morr]

I'm sorry I'm dropping this on all ye great MW members.. but I seriously had nowhere else to write this..
I dont want to have my friends worry about me if I write this on my LiveJournal (even though they are used to my breakdowns).

I'm going through a bad cycle again - I've stopped eating, right now I'm actually id the midst of a "should i have lunch or not" struggle... The reason why I'm even considering eating is because I know my grandma will check to see if I ate any of the food she made, and if she sees I didnt eat she'll start asking questions, or worse - call my mother and tell her.

I'll probably end up eating, but it will be really hard and it will most likely take me hours to finish eating. I've stopped the habit of throwing up whenever I am forced to eat (even though I still get the urge to do so after eating, now & then).

I just sit in my room and seriously fight demons that on one hand tell me to eat, yet on the other hand tell me not to eat..

People tell me I'm thin or pretty - but I dont see it.
They say I'm smart & that I have a promising future - I dont see that either.

All I see is a FAT, STUPID & UGLY MONSTER.

I didnt cut myself in a long while (i think at least a month). Thought last night I did almost do it.
I dont know its like some sort of black depressive cloud fell over me and totally brought me down - and I honestly dont know why its happening or how to fix it.

I know I have some sort of problem, be it - bipolar, manic~depressive, depression, anorexia, etc..
I'm a control freak too - so NOT being able to control my feelings & emotions makes me even more angry.

I feel like screaming.
::sigh::

I'm sorry I dropped this on all of you out there.
(and if you reply - which you totally dont have to - PLEASE dont say that I'm pretty or smart or thin, etc. Dont waste your energy, because I cant & wont believe it).

[BlueWolf]

*threatens the dungeon goddess with no tiara!*


Hey sweetie. I'm not going to tell you what I think of you. You know I love you, you know what I think. I also know that when you're depressed, it doesn't really matter.

*big hug*

All I can say is I love you, please get some help ( I did, and it's the best thing I ever did). Anytime you need to talk, email me or pm me, and I'll be there if I can. I wish I was there to comfort you and help you. Since I'm not though, all I can offer is my friendship and my arms.


Please, you know how much we care about you. So many of us. It kills me to not be there for you.

There's really not much else for me to say...*hugs* I love you sweetheart. :hugz:

[Earthy]

I really don't know what to say and i know a cyberhug isn't much.
I can say i know where you're coming from though,as your thoughts are similar to mine.
I,too,used to self harm and i know how hard it is not to,when all you want to do is release the pain.
I,too have problems with eating,although mine are the opposite way,my brain tells me to eat and eat.
I also know how difficult it is to see the beauty in ourselves that others see.
All i can say is that you're in my thoughts Morr. :hugz:

[RubyRose]

:hugz: Morr, please for the love of everything, don't cut yourself. I go through with Rhyce at different times, and I hate it.
As for not eating, I've been down the eating disorder path myself, not as severely, but again I know the pain. I don't know what else to offer you 'cept for maybe a virtual shoulder to cry on, seeing as Israel is a little out of my range.
Um, things do eventually look up, at least thats what I tell myself almost every day. They have to.

[Faery-Wings]

Morr, you know I understand all too well the eating issue. Even if you can only take one bite an hour, do that. Keep your stomach used to fod so you don't throw it all back up when you do try to eat. Do you have those "vitamin" water drinks by you- supercharged water? They are pretty popular here. If you have that, try sipping that, or a slim fast drink, if that is not too heavy on your stomach. Belive me, I know how hard it is but try to keep yourself hydrated att the very least and something small in your stomach that you can munch on without thinking about it. Also, take one day, no... one hour at a time. Bribe yourself- if I eat one bite, I can post for 10 minutes here.

Are you on meds hon? If you are, they might need a re-adjusting.

I am not going to say how pretty you are or thin, because I know it only makes it harder to look in the mirror. What I will tell you and 100% mean it, is that you are *strong.* You are caring... you can get through this.

If you ever need to talk, pm me. K?

[Morr]

thanks for putting up with me.

I've been eating pretty "normally" lately, by that I mean about 1.5-2 meals a day. I still feel sick afterwards but i manage to hold it in. They are not usually big meals either.
im not on meds, and i know i probably should be though I'm antsy about taking any kind of medication like that...
we dont have those kind of super energy drinks, i know what youre talking about though - gatoraid (sp?).. I never liked those anyways.

[Faery-Wings]

Actually, they have new stuff out now- it is water with extra vitamins added. I don't know if they are flavored or not. That stinks that you don't have them. They might have helped a bit.

Just remember, small amounts, slowly and consistently throughout the day.

Hang in there.
:hugz:

[Faery-Wings]

Oh and we are not "putting up with you" This is what we are here for.

:)

[Lunacie]

Hey Morr, I'm sorry to hear you're in a rough patch right now. My eating disorder took the other direction and finding a meeting of Overeater's Annon helped me A LOT. I still eat more than I should, but I'm not obsessed it with, thinking about it all the time. For me, finding therapy groups has been a life saver a couple of times in my life. Are there therapy groups like UnderEater's Annon? **wink**

I've also been right on that border between "normal" and manic-depressive or having MPD. And I crossed the border into deep depression a few times. Control was also a big issue for me. Someday something you read or hear will "click" for you and you can figure out how to prioritize what you really need to control Right Now and what isn't quite so important. For me it was reading this, "Don't sweat the small stuff. And it's all small stuff." Well, I know it isn't ALL small stuff, but before that I couldn't seem to accept that ANY of it was small stuff, eh?

Hugs and energy from me to you to feel better about your life dearling.

[Old Witch]

This is the Mama popping out of me........
You know you should see a doctor.......We can help you just so much.......
You have my support and love.

[wanna_blessed_be]

Mine too! We love ya Morr! And remember: An ye harm none, do what ye wilt! Than includes harming yourself in any way! MMmmmmmmmWA!

[Flar's Freyja]

I'm sorry I'm dropping this on all ye great MW members.. but I seriously had nowhere else to write this..
I dont want to have my friends worry about me if I write this on my LiveJournal (even though they are used to my breakdowns).

I'm going through a bad cycle again - I've stopped eating, right now I'm actually id the midst of a "should i have lunch or not" struggle... The reason why I'm even considering eating is because I know my grandma will check to see if I ate any of the food she made, and if she sees I didnt eat she'll start asking questions, or worse - call my mother and tell her.

I'll probably end up eating, but it will be really hard and it will most likely take me hours to finish eating. I've stopped the habit of throwing up whenever I am forced to eat (even though I still get the urge to do so after eating, now & then).

I just sit in my room and seriously fight demons that on one hand tell me to eat, yet on the other hand tell me not to eat..

People tell me I'm thin or pretty - but I dont see it.
They say I'm smart & that I have a promising future - I dont see that either.

All I see is a FAT, STUPID & UGLY MONSTER.

I didnt cut myself in a long while (i think at least a month). Thought last night I did almost do it.
I dont know its like some sort of black depressive cloud fell over me and totally brought me down - and I honestly dont know why its happening or how to fix it.

I know I have some sort of problem, be it - bipolar, manic~depressive, depression, anorexia, etc..
I'm a control freak too - so NOT being able to control my feelings & emotions makes me even more angry.

I feel like screaming.
::sigh::

I'm sorry I dropped this on all of you out there.
(and if you reply - which you totally dont have to - PLEASE dont say that I'm pretty or smart or thin, etc. Dont waste your energy, because I cant & wont believe it).

Ah, the old "I know what's wrong with me, why can't I fix it?" syndrome. I have many t-shirts.......:hugz:

And at the risk of p*ssing you off, I'm also going to tell you to seek professional help. I'm a social worker and after many years of experience, I finally came up with the theory that people with control issues have been abused in some way during their lives. Your eating disorder and self-mutilation are symptoms that some part of you was very damaged at some point in your life. When you heal from that injury, you will be able to get well.

I'm so glad that you have opened up and shared this. It would be more beneficial to you to be able to share this with someone face to face who has the credentials and expertise to offer some real help.

Goddess Bless.

[DraconisArcanus]

Morr, please know you have my love, support and understanding.

For me what I am about to say is difficult at best but I want you to know I understand and am there for you. I am what is called borderline, borderline personality disorder. Until I hit a serious valley in my life I didn't know what was wrong with me or why I did the things I did. All the symptoms you describe are similar to what I went through. Medication does not inpede or dampen my wiccan abilities but help me to achieve a calm and control I never knew was possible. Please do not be afraid or concerned about the meds hun.

I'm proud of you for the control you have shown. I understand how difficult it was not to cut yourself and the demons you fight everyday are always present. Fight them. I am sending you energies, comfort and love to help you my friend. Hang on to the caring of all your friends here on MW...we are here for you always.

You also know you can ALWAYS IM me. I am here for you!

In my eyes you're a wonderful, caring, loving person who feels she is misunderstood but needs to realize she is and can be so much more. We need you in our lives as well. I always enjoy your posts, your wit, charm, clarity of mind and dammit whether you wnat to hear it or not you are cute!

Hugs!

[WandererInGray]

*huggles for Morr* Love you sweetie.
It doesn't matter what you look like...remember on the 'Net, that's one of the things people *can't* see, so the rest of you shines through. *smiles and shrugs* We see you, just as you are, and as far as we're concerned you're perfect.

[Mithrea]

I'm not going to tell you to do anything like go get help, because that's not going to help you right now. In fact, I know nothing will. You just have to cycle up. When this happens to me, I get this black sinking feeling in my chest and I'm just sure if you slit my chest open, nothing but black goo and worms would slide out. It's like I'm carrying around this giant anvil that no one else can see. Luckily talking helps for me and I have friends who will let me talk with them until it passes, and it always does. Sometimes it's hours, sometimes it's days but it always passes.

Cutting is about two things. It's about control and it's about self-punishment. The funny thing about your situation is that one is going to cause the other for you and you are going to want to do it and wanting to do it makes you want to do it. I know all about that. No one that knows me will deny that I'm a HUGE control freak. You need to find something that lets you feel in control of your surrounding or your life. This is going to sound like a stupid suggestion, and it may not work for you, but it helped me alot at a really bad time. Have you ever played The SIMS? You get to create a universe that you completely control. If you are one of those people that can get lost in a game or book, then it could work for you. When you start feeling like things are a little out of control, go control those little SIMS or find something else you can control and focus on it. Even if it's just one little thing.

When I can concentrate, I also read alot when I'm having those feelings. It distracts my mind and it keeps my hands occupied turning pages. Another thing that I do is beadwork. You get the same thing, you get the control, the focus and it keeps your hands busy.

If you want to try meditating during these times check out the meditation tips at SF. There is one about squeezing your fingers until they hurt to help you focus. This might help you meditate through it, and at the risk of everyone jumping on me, you get a little pain out of it, which makes it appealing to cutters. But this pain, doesn't scar or make you bleed.

At any rate, pm me if you want to talk. I never have given you my AIM . . .

[Morr]

Thanks to everyone who replied..

as for seeking proffessional help - i wish i could, but -
1) i dont have money for that.
2) may parents cant know because they are all about the "oh no what will the neighbores say?".

I'm working on it.. I've been sorta preoccupying myself today.

And if any of you wonder - I did end up eating (unfortunately). My grandma started snooping around asking why I'm not eating, so i had a meatball, and 1 serving of pasta she made.
It makes me mad at myself..

And Holly - you were right - its a vicious cycle, because if I eat, then I get mad at myself, and I cut, and then I get depressed, and then i dont eat...
these down cycles have happened before.. ill pull thorugh somehow..

[Jenne]

Don't be sorry...for us, anyway. A lot of us do know what you are going through. I still fight my anorexia daily. Would that I could throw away that part of myself that loves being hungry--loves feeling that (now) euphoric dizziness that comes PAST the hunger. I test myself with it everyday.

We're all here to support and love you through this...me included...and I'm here, if you want to PM me anytime.

:hugz: and healing energy...I don't know if this would help you, but sometimes I make a list (mental or written) of everything good in my life and meditate on that. When you're in a deep well of blackness, it's sometimes hard to see the light and the good. But looking for it and finding it can sometimes get you back out of that chasm quicker and more fully than you were before.

More :hugz:...

[Boogins]

Been there, done that... Morr, :hugz: and thinking of you. Hang on. There are plenty of people in this world who need and want you around.

[morrigen]

You're in good company here, hun. So many of us seem to have gone through our own personal version of this...me included....

It always helps me to try to remember that this part of the cycle is temporary. Tho' it never seems so at the time...

I just try to hang on...minute by minute if I have to....and every minute is one closer to the light at the end of the tunnel.

I wish I had better advice...

:hugz: :hugz: :hugz:

[Psyche Ague]

Oh, sweetheart, you really should know that I love reading your posts, which means that you're an intelligent, witty, fun person and that you're beautiful on the inside.

Though I have to admit - you're also gorgeous to look at, judging from your photos on here! :D

I've been there with the not eating - I'm going through one of those phases, too - and I've been there with the cutting - it's been years, but I still think about it.

Please take care of yourself and remember to eat fruits and vegetables at the very least. Drink water, but also milk if you can.

Love yourself.

Find someone you can talk with frankly about this. You need to have support right now.

Remember that we love you here and that we're always here if you need to talk. It is good that you posted this thread. :)

Lots of love and healing to you from me. :huddle:

[Kalika]

:hugz:

Sweetie, I'm here for you if you need to talk, or if you need anything at all.



:huddle:

[nomadicdragon]

I'm sorry I'm dropping this on all ye great MW members.. but I seriously had nowhere else to write this..
I dont want to have my friends worry about me if I write this on my LiveJournal (even though they are used to my breakdowns).

I'm going through a bad cycle again - I've stopped eating, right now I'm actually id the midst of a "should i have lunch or not" struggle... The reason why I'm even considering eating is because I know my grandma will check to see if I ate any of the food she made, and if she sees I didnt eat she'll start asking questions, or worse - call my mother and tell her.

I'll probably end up eating, but it will be really hard and it will most likely take me hours to finish eating. I've stopped the habit of throwing up whenever I am forced to eat (even though I still get the urge to do so after eating, now & then).

I just sit in my room and seriously fight demons that on one hand tell me to eat, yet on the other hand tell me not to eat..

People tell me I'm thin or pretty - but I dont see it.
They say I'm smart & that I have a promising future - I dont see that either.

All I see is a FAT, STUPID & UGLY MONSTER.

I didnt cut myself in a long while (i think at least a month). Thought last night I did almost do it.
I dont know its like some sort of black depressive cloud fell over me and totally brought me down - and I honestly dont know why its happening or how to fix it.

I know I have some sort of problem, be it - bipolar, manic~depressive, depression, anorexia, etc..
I'm a control freak too - so NOT being able to control my feelings & emotions makes me even more angry.

I feel like screaming.
::sigh::

I'm sorry I dropped this on all of you out there.
(and if you reply - which you totally dont have to - PLEASE dont say that I'm pretty or smart or thin, etc. Dont waste your energy, because I cant & wont believe it).


((hugs)) I know the pain you are going through... I won't say the things that are a waste.. just that yo u are loved, and if you need someone to talk to...

[ambermystique]

Hey Morr...I'm right here when you need me. I have and still do go through similar, if not the same type of things. Hence, a life faced with manic depression. Let's talk. It's difficult and could eventually be even more difficult, but you CAN get through this. You are too strong of a woman to just give in to those "demons." I have total and utter faith in you.
peace,
amber

[DragonsChest]

(and if you reply - which you totally dont have to - PLEASE dont say that I'm pretty or smart or thin, etc. Dont waste your energy, because I cant & wont believe it).


I won't say that to you, because you sound just like my husband, who is fighing his own demons, my dear man. I learned long ago that when he is in one of his cycles, it doesn't matter if I were to tattoo what I believe on my forehead ~~ he won't believe it. So I have learned to just be steadfast in my attitudes with him, and when he cycles back up, he will remember what I said at that time, and then he can believe me, to whatever extent he wants to.

It doesn't change the TRUTH, but his perceptions change and so can yours. When you are on another upswing, and you will be ~ I believe this, you will remember the things we have said and know them to be true. Good luck, Morr, we believe in you.

[Isildae]

*Hugs Morr*

I was bulemic, and I'm a cutter so I kind of know how you feel.

I just want you to know that you're not alone and that I'm praying for you.

I pray the gods send strong healing energy to you, and that things get better soon.

[Antoninus]

**Hugs Morr** Well, whatever happens, you always have the people here. We will always be behind you, and always support you. Many of us know what its like to be in despair, and I doubt very much there is one among us that would hesitate to give you a hug or comfort should you need it. I for one wish I could go and give you a hug and a few words to make you feel better.

You might try getting a blogger www.blogger.com or LiveJournal www.livejournal.com for venting. Blogger is much simpler but more plain. You dont have to show it to anyboddy and its amazingly relaxing to tell your story to the computer, even though you show no one. I have a personal LiveJournal that only one person besides me is allowed to read because alot of the stuff in there is so private, plus if my parents read it, id be comitted to a hospital so fast itd make your head spin.

But I am going off on a tangent again. Ive grown to love this place for the accepting people, for the comfort I have found here. The members here are like my extended family. If you ever need anything, you need but only to ask. And I know that that can sometimes be the hardest part, but take some comfort in the fact that I KNOW no one on here will say no.

[Autumn]

Morr honey, you can get help...talk to a school counselor and say that you think your parents are afraid of social stigma for having a daughter who needs help...they will be set straight and you will get the support and help you need.

Energy going out to you...

[Nighthawk]

My dear Morr... I am going to PM you tomorrow, OK? Well, I will either way.....You are loved and needed and cherished here........

[Romani Vixen]

I've had both sides of the eating disorder.... What got me out was realising that regardless of how I appear on the out side.... I'm a friggin awsome person!!!!! :D

You know.... you are too....

[Xeen]

You know, I've tried and tried to understand depression and such... I never get anywhere with it.

I'm really sorry that you have to go through it. I understand completely, though the eating thing hasn't been a problem with me really, 'cept lately.

May the cloud pass by you quickly, and your sun shine true.

*hugs*

[Pesha]

Ok sweetheart, then here is a big warm hug..{{{{MORR}}}. And know that you have good people here who care.

BB
DS.

[MoonDust]

:hugz:
You need a ton of these. If I were there I'd give you one in person. I know the struggles you face. I faced them myself and still do on occasion.

Eat. Eat healthy, but eat.

Even if it takes you hours do it. Then get as far from a bathroom as you can get. Make sure you keep away for atleast an hour to 1 1/2 hours.


You are Beautiful!

Look in a mirror and tell yourself. Look in to your own eyes and say it. Say it until you stop looking away when you say it. Say it until the look in your eyes is one of belief. You are a gift.

:hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz: