Rape Support Group **Possible MATURE Content**

[savannahrose44]

I've been reading some of your stories, and although I've never been molested or raped myself the stories of being raped as a child really touch me.

My rhetorical question is, how do you protect your children from something like this? It seems the mother never realises when whoever is molesting her child(ren). Thats a big fear of mine, when I finally have children... how to protect my chldren from something they wont talk about and I can't see.

What would you wish your mother had done better or differently in order to protect you? Is there anything? Its crap to feel so helpless when it comes to prtecting a child I haven't even conceived yet :(

Yeah Macha there is something I wish my mother could have done different. I wish she hadn't burried her head in the sand and pretended that what was going on with my father was just going to go away. She didn't tell any of us kids what he had done in the past to our older sister, because she was a member of the mormon church and they believe a woman has to stand by her husband at all times to protect him. You see why I was so mentally screwed up? This is what I was raised with! :bastard:

[earthprincess]

As a child who was molested at summer camp at a very young age.. there was nothing my Mom could have done. She sent me somewhere "safe". I had a big sister to turn to at the time, I was one of the lucky ones that had someone to go to. She helped in the best way she could. I eat all the time as a method of protecting myself. I have done it since I was 9. Old habbits are hard to break... ok so back to the protecting your kids issue.. I am a mom now and so is my sister, this is a topic of conversation we have often. I have a little boy and she has a girl the same age. The only thing we can do is be open with our children, be involved in their life, care about what they have to say. Know where they are (as best you can) who they hang out with what they like to do. Obviously give them their privacy, but the point is be involved. My Mom was a single mom (just like me) and she was always working or cleaning all that kind of mom stuff.. when she found out what happend to me she was sad for a long time.. she felt as if she let me down. it wasnt until recently the subject came up that i explained to her that i never felt let down by her bc she always did her best. I think that is the important thing... as parents we need to do our best for our kids and that is how we will protect them. If something were to happen to my son i would hope (he is only 3) that he would come to me for help and comfort. My eyes are always open and my ears are always ready to listen and my arms are always outstreched. As a parent you can only do what you think is best..Without going on for hours that is the best way to explain how i feel about the subject. Thanks for listening.. :chatty:

[savannahrose44]

As a child who was molested at summer camp at a very young age.. there was nothing my Mom could have done. She sent me somewhere "safe". I had a big sister to turn to at the time, I was one of the lucky ones that had someone to go to. She helped in the best way she could. I eat all the time as a method of protecting myself. I have done it since I was 9. Old habbits are hard to break... ok so back to the protecting your kids issue.. I am a mom now and so is my sister, this is a topic of conversation we have often. I have a little boy and she has a girl the same age. The only thing we can do is be open with our children, be involved in their life, care about what they have to say. Know where they are (as best you can) who they hang out with what they like to do. Obviously give them their privacy, but the point is be involved. My Mom was a single mom (just like me) and she was always working or cleaning all that kind of mom stuff.. when she found out what happend to me she was sad for a long time.. she felt as if she let me down. it wasnt until recently the subject came up that i explained to her that i never felt let down by her bc she always did her best. I think that is the important thing... as parents we need to do our best for our kids and that is how we will protect them. If something were to happen to my son i would hope (he is only 3) that he would come to me for help and comfort. My eyes are always open and my ears are always ready to listen and my arms are always outstreched. As a parent you can only do what you think is best..Without going on for hours that is the best way to explain how i feel about the subject. Thanks for listening.. :chatty:

:hugz:

I think eating disorders often arise from traumatizing events. I too ate to "protect" myself. I figured if I was fat and ugly that no one would ever want to touch me again. I went from a stick at 4'11'' to 185lbs at 4'11'' You can imagine what I looked like. Thank the gods I realized that I was killing myself doing it. By the time I reached high school I was down to 130 lbs. I still fight the eating compulsion to this day but I remind myself that I have to love myself in order to heal, not hide behind my size. I had issues with men for a long time too, until I remembered that it is not all men who do this, it is the sick ones. I thank the gods for my brother and for my friend Trueman who both helped me to realize this.

[celticfire]

{{{{{HUGS}}}}} i so know where you're coming from...oh dear. and you are so right about your child and niece...that you need to be open with them and show them as much love as there can ever be given and to know about their lives and CARE to know...to be there...:)

bb

[GypsyGirl]

i have a question/pondering-sort of thing:

does anyone else have problems with going to the gynecologist? i've always had a fear of it (and still haven't gone, even though i'm 23... yeah, yeah, i know), but since the rape, just the idea of some stranger being down there is very unsettling.

[savannahrose44]

i have a question/pondering-sort of thing:

does anyone else have problems with going to the gynecologist? i've always had a fear of it (and still haven't gone, even though i'm 23... yeah, yeah, i know), but since the rape, just the idea of some stranger being down there is very unsettling.


You are not alone in this. I had a huge problem with it at first. After some time had past though i forced myself to go. I know you really need to. I will not go to a male gyno though. Just a little too close to home I think. :ack:

[celticfire]

and this would be exactly why i haven't been to a gyno since my son was born and my ob/gyn moved out of state. it took me years to feel comfortable with him...*sigh*

and hugs to you...you're not alone.

[GypsyGirl]

You are not alone in this. I had a huge problem with it at first. After some time had past though i forced myself to go. I know you really need to. I will not go to a male gyno though. Just a little too close to home I think. :ack:

i've always had a fear of going, for as long as i can remember. and i know you're "supposed" to start going at 18, right? the smartass in me is thinking, "well, i've always been a bit behind on female things" :) but yeah... one of the 'big fears' in life. although spiders do outrank ;)

[Gwyndara]

Thier was nothing my mother could have done to prevent what happend to me. I will teach my children to never be alone with anyone if they can help it.
To Savannahrose44 I too was raised in a Mormon family and not all women are that way.

[mucgwyrt]

hey I've never been molested or raped and I hate going to see a gyno, male or female!
And having a smear *skin... crawling... legs... crossing!!!* :sick: :sick: :sick: :sick:

Thanks very much for responding to my question everyone, I'll be sure to bear it all in mind if/when I have kids. I shall try to be very open and I shall certainly never not-believe my child. Thanks again. xx

[Pesha]

i have a question/pondering-sort of thing:

does anyone else have problems with going to the gynecologist? i've always had a fear of it (and still haven't gone, even though i'm 23... yeah, yeah, i know), but since the rape, just the idea of some stranger being down there is very unsettling.
I di have problems for the longest time. Then I had to have a hysterectomy and had a male surgeon. The one of the best. I had trouble undergoing the pelvic exam. And then he looked at ma and asked me if I had every been abused or raped. This just floored me that he would ask something like that. I told him yes that years ago I had been raped. He went on to tell me it was ok to feel afraid and he went and got his female associate to do the exam. I felt much more trusting of him and so allowed him to attend me all the other times he had to see me and of course he did the surgery. But my goodness, how what happens to us in our lives, really impacts on us more than we relaise.

BB
DS.

[savannahrose44]

Thier was nothing my mother could have done to prevent what happend to me. I will teach my children to never be alone with anyone if they can help it.
To Savannahrose44 I too was raised in a Mormon family and not all women are that way.

I realize not all of them are like that, but the majority I have had contact with have been. Maybe things are different where you are. :colorful:

[savannahrose44]

I di have problems for the longest time. Then I had to have a hysterectomy and had a male surgeon. The one of the best. I had trouble undergoing the pelvic exam. And then he looked at ma and asked me if I had every been abused or raped. This just floored me that he would ask something like that. I told him yes that years ago I had been raped. He went on to tell me it was ok to feel afraid and he went and got his female associate to do the exam. I felt much more trusting of him and so allowed him to attend me all the other times he had to see me and of course he did the surgery. But my goodness, how what happens to us in our lives, really impacts on us more than we relaise.

BB
DS.

How wonderful...

[MoonDust]

:hugz:

I think eating disorders often arise from traumatizing events. I too ate to "protect" myself. I figured if I was fat and ugly that no one would ever want to touch me again. I went from a stick at 4'11'' to 185lbs at 4'11'' You can imagine what I looked like. Thank the gods I realized that I was killing myself doing it. By the time I reached high school I was down to 130 lbs. I still fight the eating compulsion to this day but I remind myself that I have to love myself in order to heal, not hide behind my size. I had issues with men for a long time too, until I remembered that it is not all men who do this, it is the sick ones. I thank the gods for my brother and for my friend Trueman who both helped me to realize this.
yup. Only one thing we have to remember though. Fat does NOT equal ugly.


And yeah, I hate the gyno. I covered my face for the whole thing the 1st time I ever had an exam done.


:hugz: to all.

[savannahrose44]

yup. Only one thing we have to remember though. Fat does NOT equal ugly.



I'm not saying fat does equal ugly and I sould have clarified that before hand. I was raised in a family where I was taught fat does equal ugly. It took me a long time to deprogram myself in this matter. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I think everyone who posts here is beautiful no matter your size. Physical aperance does not reflect the soul within :colorful:

[MoonDust]

I'm not saying fat does equal ugly and I sould have clarified that before hand. I was raised in a family where I was taught fat does equal ugly. It took me a long time to deprogram myself in this matter. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I think everyone who posts here is beautiful no matter your size. Physical aperance does not reflect the soul within :colorful:
oh I know. we couldn't have gone through what we did without realizing beautifull & ugly come in all different packages.
I just wanted to reasure all of us of it. :hugz:

[Nighthawk]

Personally, for the most part, I have found mostly beautiful people here...... A couple of jerks, but most of yous is beautiful.... And fat means nothing.... *hug*

[savannahrose44]

Personally, for the most part, I have found mostly beautiful people here...... A couple of jerks, but most of yous is beautiful.... And fat means nothing.... *hug*
:hugz: Thank you Nighthawk.....You're sweet.

[MoonDust]

Personally, for the most part, I have found mostly beautiful people here...... A couple of jerks, but most of yous is beautiful.... And fat means nothing.... *hug*
yup!

[savannahrose44]

Leaps and bounds people...That's right I've had a breakthrough and I just thought I should share. I sold my old car recently to a black man. I delt with him by myself and was just fine. Not to mention that he lives down the street from me and I forgot to give him something that went with the car so I....yes me! Delivered it to his home without any fear or panic attacks......I'm floating on cloud 9! Heres to all my friends at MW! Thank you so much for all your love and support. You guys have helped in ways you will never know! :cheers:

[Boogins]

:hugz:

[savannahrose44]

:hugz:
Thanks Boo. I'm feeling pretty good about myself right now. :yayhawaii

[Tzhebee]

Leaps and bounds people...That's right I've had a breakthrough and I just thought I should share. I sold my old car recently to a black man. I delt with him by myself and was just fine. Not to mention that he lives down the street from me and I forgot to give him something that went with the car so I....yes me! Delivered it to his home without any fear or panic attacks......I'm floating on cloud 9! Heres to all my friends at MW! Thank you so much for all your love and support. You guys have helped in ways you will never know! :cheers:
That is the most awesome thing I have heard in a long time! :fpompoms I'm so happy with you!

[Boogins]

Thanks Boo. I'm feeling pretty good about myself right now. :yayhawaii
And you should!!! :dancy:

[Nighthawk]

Savannah... you have done well.

[celticfire]

{HUGS} and a little karma love.;)

[Fianna]

I have never posted in this thread - in others - but this one is way too scary for me - for reasons I wont go into. But after wiping my tears I had to write that I a am honoured and humbled to be in the company of such strong and wonderful people.

You are all so open and honest and it defies belief how some of you had the courage to survive let alone tell your story.

Sometimes I wish memory was like a hard drive - you could delete and wipe out what you don't want any more - but unfortunately it isn't. We have to carry on and learn and grow.

Before I came here I was reading a thread about fate and everything happening for a reason. But the things that have happened to the wonderful people in here - well - what reason can there possibly be to treat another human being with such contempt and to put them through these things.

Maybe some day I will find the courage you have, find the strength to close my eyes, breath deeply and remember and share. But for the moment I will try to take strength from the words I have read and leave the words I must speak hidden.

Thank you all

[savannahrose44]

I have never posted in this thread - in others - but this one is way too scary for me - for reasons I wont go into. But after wiping my tears I had to write that I a am honoured and humbled to be in the company of such strong and wonderful people.

You are all so open and honest and it defies belief how some of you had the courage to survive let alone tell your story.

Sometimes I wish memory was like a hard drive - you could delete and wipe out what you don't want any more - but unfortunately it isn't. We have to carry on and learn and grow.

Before I came here I was reading a thread about fate and everything happening for a reason. But the things that have happened to the wonderful people in here - well - what reason can there possibly be to treat another human being with such contempt and to put them through these things.

Maybe some day I will find the courage you have, find the strength to close my eyes, breath deeply and remember and share. But for the moment I will try to take strength from the words I have read and leave the words I must speak hidden.

Thank you all

Oh honey it took me a long time before I was able to share my story. I know exactly where you are coming from. Just know that we are all here for you when you do decide to share...with open arms and loving hearts to provide whatever comfort and support we can. :hugz:

[savannahrose44]

:bumpsmili
I am bumping this thread, because I feel it's too important to be lost. :hugz:

[Pesha]

Good idea Savhanna dear. This is also a very important thread to have here in MW. To all who read, do not fear sharing. In the sharing comes strength and healing.

BB
DS.

[savannahrose44]

Thank you Dragonsinger. This thread has helped me in ways you will never know. :smoochypo

[Yasmine Galenorn]

The thing is it's awquard.( sp?).
It gets more complicated because the past intimate relationships because i was quite submissive with him. He liked to be the dom. I would try to play along. I found out that he thought i was playing the submissive again rather than actually wanting it to stop. It took me forever to get comfortable with what happened. It took me a long time to stop seeing it as my fault but i did after time.

I have since met up with the couple in question. Me and the girl are friends again but i don't know how i'll be with the guy. He apoligised and explained that he thought i was playing along. I havn't seen him since.

The thing is, he was totally in the wrong anyway. In BDSM you play by SAFE, SANE, and Consenual. Consensual being the key. Unless you have an agreed upon scene, with safe words in place, any forcible sex is rape. Period. He was copping out with his excuse. It wasn't your fault, regardless of whether or not you'd had an intimate relationship before. Each encounter brings to it a newness, really, whether you're dating, married, or ex's.

*hugs*
Yasmine

[savannahrose44]

The thing is, he was totally in the wrong anyway. In BDSM you play by SAFE, SANE, and Consenual. Consensual being the key. Unless you have an agreed upon scene, with safe words in place, any forcible sex is rape. Period. He was copping out with his excuse. It wasn't your fault, regardless of whether or not you'd had an intimate relationship before. Each encounter brings to it a newness, really, whether you're dating, married, or ex's.

*hugs*
Yasmine

Very sound advise. She is right. It was not your fault!

[Yasmine Galenorn]

I've been reading some of your stories, and although I've never been molested or raped myself the stories of being raped as a child really touch me.

My rhetorical question is, how do you protect your children from something like this? It seems the mother never realises when whoever is molesting her child(ren). Thats a big fear of mine, when I finally have children... how to protect my chldren from something they wont talk about and I can't see.

What would you wish your mother had done better or differently in order to protect you? Is there anything? Its crap to feel so helpless when it comes to prtecting a child I haven't even conceived yet :(

My mother knew...I wish she would have done something about it--but she was too insecure and lazy to make it on her own. I loved her, but I never really respected her. I wish people would stop forcing their kids to hug and kiss relatives and friends the kids don't want to hug and kiss--if I had children, they'd never be forced to show affection to anyone they didn't want to. That just encourages submitting to unwanted attentions.

I wish my mother would have acted on her knowledge. I wish she'd taught me that my body belonged to me. I wish that she wouldn't have let my stepdad hound both of us about our weight, it only made me feel worthless and ugly and desperate so that I didn't feel like I deserved to be in a sane relationship.

I wish my mother would have had the courage to stand up for herself instead of teaching me, by example, that whatever my stepfather said went...I wish she'd been strong for herself, as well as for me.

Yasmine :colorful:

[savannahrose44]

My mother knew...I wish she would have done something about it--but she was too insecure and lazy to make it on her own. I loved her, but I never really respected her. I wish people would stop forcing their kids to hug and kiss relatives and friends the kids don't want to hug and kiss--if I had children, they'd never be forced to show affection to anyone they didn't want to. That just encourages submitting to unwanted attentions.

I wish my mother would have acted on her knowledge. I wish she'd taught me that my body belonged to me. I wish that she wouldn't have let my stepdad hound both of us about our weight, it only made me feel worthless and ugly and desperate so that I didn't feel like I deserved to be in a sane relationship.

I wish my mother would have had the courage to stand up for herself instead of teaching me, by example, that whatever my stepfather said went...I wish she'd been strong for herself, as well as for me.

Yasmine :colorful:
(((((((((((((((( :hugz: ))))))))))))))))For her strength and yours.

[FeatherGoblinglimmer]

Thank you yasmine

[Yasmine Galenorn]

(((((((((((((((( :hugz: ))))))))))))))))For her strength and yours.

I just wish she'd found it before she died...however, her spirit is much brighter on the other side than I ever saw it here. She gained in death, what she could never seem to gain in life: strength and will (my mother was sexually abused as a child, too). I'm just glad I've found my own power now...and wish that for every woman on this thread.

Yasmine :colorful:

[OriginalWacky]

It happened when I was 7 years old. We were at a school carnival, and my friend and I and her little sister (she was 3) were running around being pests, just like we should be. My friend and I were having a blast, being the babysitter for her little sister, who was the most adorable child you can imagine. She was so freakin cute, and ust the sweetest little thing. Nobody needed to keep close eyes on their kids, as everybody there was involved with the school, and it was safe. How could it not be?

But it wasn't. One young man, who had been raised badly, and a couple of his friends, who hadn't been raised much better decided to do some experimenting. They'd heard about men who buy young little slave girls, but of course, they didn't know where to get any. But wait, there's a school carnival. Everybody running all over. My friends and I were skipping along, playing games, and just acting like kids. Apparently, the temptation was too much, or else tey had planned this from the beginning. Either way, I don't like to think about it much.

Suddenly, there was a hand over my mouth, and I was lifted into the air. I couldn't do anything, I couldn't breathe. I couldn't see what was happening. That was the first time I'd felt fearful since I'd been taken from the nonmaternal (my word for the creature who birthed me). Then we were behind the buildings, away from everybody else, and I could see my friend and her little sister being held as well.

I had a dirty sock stuffed in my mouth, and then a handkerchief tied over it. My hands were pulled behind my back, then yanked up and tied. The rope wrapped around my neck from behind, so that if I tried to lower my arms, it choked me. (To this day I can't wear anything tight around my neck. I also can't stand to have my arms held behind my back if they are pulled up at all.) Then I was dropped on the ground. I watched as the boys pulled my friends clothes out of the way, and did what they wanted. I don't think I need to go into detail. Then it was my turn. They didn't sodomize me, but they did all penetrate me. That was how I lost my hymen. I don't know how long it took, I can't remember any of it. I must have blacked out or projected out. When I came back to myself, they were after my friend's three year old sister. It went on and on and on and on. My friend was unconscious, I thought she was dead. She had let loose with all her body functions, and it was staining the ground beneath her.

Then I must have gone somewhere else again, because the next thing I remember is hearing my friend's little sister whimpering. She was trying to scream, but it was muffled by a handkerchief. I could hear some of the grownups calling our names, apparently we had been missed. She started crying harder, and I could see the tears spilling out of her beautiful blue eyes. One of the boys pulled out a wicked looking knife and started telling her to shut the f* up. The other boys were encouraging him, and daring him to go further. She kept going, and managed to push the handkerchief out and screamed once.

Everything went to slow motion, kind of like the movies. The sound of her scream echoed in my head. I watched the knife come down towards her, the silver glinting in the fading sun, slide into her chest, and her scream stopped with a gurgle. The knife went in about halfway, and the boy pulled it out again, and laughed. HE LAUGHED. I blacked out again or something, because the next thing I remember was my teacher holding me close while someone untied my hands. I couldn't react, I couldn't talk, I was just not capable of anything at that time. I had urinated all over myself, and was bleeding 'down there', and I hurt so much.

The boys were gone. My friend was in her mother's arms, all limp. I think she stayed passed out through it all. Her father was holding her little sister, and sobbing. She had died. I think I fainted then, and I don't remember anything for about a week. I was still sore, and hadn't spoken yet, and didn't for a few more weeks. By then, I'd overheard my father talking with some others when they thought I was asleep. Those boys, those awful boys, were dead. I don't know what happened. I don't want to know what happened to them. Shortly after that, I somehow managed to repress everything, and went back to nearly my old self. I lost all memory of the whole thing until it was brought back to me later on, by other events. I think that was the only way my little mind could deal with that, because I just couldn't have that in my safe little world. I'd already been abused by the nonmaternal and my dad had taken me away from her (long LONG story there). At that point, I pretty much repressed everything bad that had happened, and started living a lot like a normal kid. Well, for a couple of years anyway.

And now, I've thrown up several times while trying to write this, and I'm too shaky to writ anymore. I'll have to do the rest another time, I don't think I can deal with this anymore.

[Yasmine Galenorn]

Wacky,

There just aren't any words to say for this. And yet it goes on, all over the world, everyday. I can never say I hope you find peace--how can you with this sort of memory? But I hope you come to a place where it doesn't loom over your shoulder. Blessings.

Yasmine

[samiaminsane]

:hugz: to everyone else here, especially Wacky, because I just read her post and it brought me to tears..........
I can finally say that I'm over it, I'm done, it's not worth the time or the effort to be angry anymore. It happened when I was 14 (I'll be 23 in July). Now, when I think about it, it's not even the rape that bothers me, it's how I acted afterwards. For about a year, I told no one, I said nothing, I basically crawled into a hole and died. Then I got the brilliant idea of running away from home, and once I was back home again, I turned into a whore. I know that sounds like I'm putting myself down, but that's pretty much how it went. I started sleeping around with various people, never letting it get emotional. Then, I met Nick and actually let him into my world, but we had no sex life. I was such a screwed up mess, and everyone knew I was and alot of guys took advantage of it. Late last year, my friend Dan (drunk at the time) came into my apartment, and started tickling the crap out of me. I was laughing until he started to rip my clothes off. I fell of my computer chair. He then stuck my curling iron and hairbrush up me and then chris came up (he was out doing something with his car) and dan stopped, I ran in the bathroom and locked the door. They were gone a few minutes later and I called angel up at 2 in the morning because I didn't feel safe there anymore. That one still bothers me, because I can't understand why he would do such a thing to me. To this day, he swears he doesn't remember what happened that night. I feel so blessed to have met Cliff and to have the life I have now. Just when I had pretty much given up hope, along he came.

[savannahrose44]

[color=#000080]And now, I've thrown up several times while trying to write this, and I'm too shaky to writ anymore. I'll have to do the rest another time, I don't think I can deal with this anymore.

That took an incredible amount of courage to share...It is not an easy thing to do.

What happened to you is unspeakable....I have no words for the emotions that your post stirred within my heart. I know it is hard to share such horrid things and I thank you for putting your trust in us...with sharing comes healing. Maybe not today maybe not tomorrow, but eventually there will come a time in your life when you are able to find peace within. Just remember that if you ever need anyone to talk to you can call upon me or anyone else who has posted here. We are willing and able to lend an ear to your sorrows. My only hope for you is that you find peace. You survived for a reason Wacky. There is purpose in all things good and bad....it is up to us to find out what it is. I know that if nothing else my experiences have made me a stronger person than I ever thought possible and I am now able to help others by sharing my story and my healing process with them. I am sending calming healing energies to you. :hugz: Everything will be alright in the end. (((((((((((((((Wacky))))))))))))))

[savannahrose44]

:hugz: to everyone else here, especially Wacky, because I just read her post and it brought me to tears..........
I can finally say that I'm over it, I'm done, it's not worth the time or the effort to be angry anymore. It happened when I was 14 (I'll be 23 in July). Now, when I think about it, it's not even the rape that bothers me, it's how I acted afterwards. For about a year, I told no one, I said nothing, I basically crawled into a hole and died. Then I got the brilliant idea of running away from home, and once I was back home again, I turned into a whore. I know that sounds like I'm putting myself down, but that's pretty much how it went. I started sleeping around with various people, never letting it get emotional. Then, I met Nick and actually let him into my world, but we had no sex life. I was such a screwed up mess, and everyone knew I was and alot of guys took advantage of it. Late last year, my friend Dan (drunk at the time) came into my apartment, and started tickling the crap out of me. I was laughing until he started to rip my clothes off. I fell of my computer chair. He then stuck my curling iron and hairbrush up me and then chris came up (he was out doing something with his car) and dan stopped, I ran in the bathroom and locked the door. They were gone a few minutes later and I called angel up at 2 in the morning because I didn't feel safe there anymore. That one still bothers me, because I can't understand why he would do such a thing to me. To this day, he swears he doesn't remember what happened that night. I feel so blessed to have met Cliff and to have the life I have now. Just when I had pretty much given up hope, along he came.

How fortunate you are to have such a remarkable man in your life. You are a strong person....:hugz:

[OriginalWacky]

Wacky,

There just aren't any words to say for this. And yet it goes on, all over the world, everyday. I can never say I hope you find peace--how can you with this sort of memory? But I hope you come to a place where it doesn't loom over your shoulder. Blessings.



Actually, I have found some peace. I'm not all the way there yet, not by a long shot, but I'm starting to get the idea that I will have it, and can have it. I sure do have a LOT of work to do on me first, though. I'm a pretty messed up cookie.


That took an incredible amount of courage to share...It is not an easy thing to do.

What happened to you is unspeakable....I have no words for the emotions that your post stirred within my heart. I know it is hard to share such horrid things and I thank you for putting your trust in us...with sharing comes healing. Maybe not today maybe not tomorrow, but eventually there will come a time in your life when you are able to find peace within. Just remember that if you ever need anyone to talk to you can call upon me or anyone else who has posted here. We are willing and able to lend an ear to your sorrows. My only hope for you is that you find peace. You survived for a reason Wacky. There is purpose in all things good and bad....it is up to us to find out what it is. I know that if nothing else my experiences have made me a stronger person than I ever thought possible and I am now able to help others by sharing my story and my healing process with them. I am sending calming healing energies to you. :hugz: Everything will be alright in the end. (((((((((((((((Wacky))))))))))))))

The very hardest part for me was the fear that I wouldn't be believed. In fact, sometimes *I* can't believe it. Some people haven't believed it, and that makes it all the harder to deal with. I haven't even told The Mate about that one, it's not like he needs details, he's seen a nightmare when it hit. That was the only nightmare I've ever had while I was with him, for some reason he is a very protective and calming influence for me.

I know that I'm here for a reason, and if I could figure out what it is, that would be pretty nice. I'll get there. But there have ben lots of signs that I didn't used to pay attention to, and now I am, so maybe I'll figure it out sooner rather than later.


:hugz: to everyone else here, especially Wacky, because I just read her post and it brought me to tears..........
I can finally say that I'm over it, I'm done, it's not worth the time or the effort to be angry anymore. It happened when I was 14 (I'll be 23 in July). Now, when I think about it, it's not even the rape that bothers me, it's how I acted afterwards. For about a year, I told no one, I said nothing, I basically crawled into a hole and died. Then I got the brilliant idea of running away from home, and once I was back home again, I turned into a whore. I know that sounds like I'm putting myself down, but that's pretty much how it went. I started sleeping around with various people, never letting it get emotional. Then, I met Nick and actually let him into my world, but we had no sex life. I was such a screwed up mess, and everyone knew I was and alot of guys took advantage of it. Late last year, my friend Dan (drunk at the time) came into my apartment, and started tickling the crap out of me. I was laughing until he started to rip my clothes off. I fell of my computer chair. He then stuck my curling iron and hairbrush up me and then chris came up (he was out doing something with his car) and dan stopped, I ran in the bathroom and locked the door. They were gone a few minutes later and I called angel up at 2 in the morning because I didn't feel safe there anymore. That one still bothers me, because I can't understand why he would do such a thing to me. To this day, he swears he doesn't remember what happened that night. I feel so blessed to have met Cliff and to have the life I have now. Just when I had pretty much given up hope, along he came.

I'm so glad that you have someone so wonderful in your life now. I too had given up hope for the most part, and now I'm blessed with The Mate. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY else in my life has the part of me that he does, and I have had a glimpse of The Divine with him. That was a life changing time for me too. Maybe later today I can purge a bit more, and finally open up about some of the other things that have happened.

Thank you all so much. I have been reading the stories, and it helps to know that I'm not alone. I'm so touched, and I feel so accepted now, and it means a lot to me.

[Nighthawk]

You are all sovery brave. I am so sorry to see these. and original wacky one thing I guess you are is a teacher. For, everyone here will learn something from your posts.

[Tsuchimaru]

Wacky....as I read that I had to keep swallowing the bile that kept rising in my throat. I feel ashamed of myself.....going on about my pathetic problems.....when there's things like THAT in this world... :ack:

[OriginalWacky]

You are all sovery brave. I am so sorry to see these. and original wacky one thing I guess you are is a teacher. For, everyone here will learn something from your posts.
I don't look at myself as any kind of teacher. I'm still just a wee baby in the ways of the world, in almost all ways, emotionally, spiritually, and everything. Of course, for all I know, my soul could be ages old. I've never tried to do anything to learn about my soul's past or anything. THere may come a day when I can explore further, but for now, I need to settle down and do a LOT more studying and work on me. I have trouble coming to terms with that fact that anybody (even those that I dislike, or hate, which is rare) ever has to go through things like this. I read some of these other stories, and I cried... I hurt for them. And yet I see such strength, such beauty in so many people here, and I rejoice for that.


Wacky....as I read that I had to keep swallowing the bile that kept rising in my throat. I feel ashamed of myself.....going on about my pathetic problems.....when there's things like THAT in this world... :ack:

Please don't feel ashamed. Your problems are not made any less by the fact that others have problems. If I were to sprain my ankle, would my pain be lessened any by the fact that my coworker broke her leg in several places? I think perhaps not. (Of course, if it were my nasty neighbor... okay I'll be serious now.) Your problems aren't pathetic. They are real, and they hurt. This is a place to share those hurts, and perhaps have them eased, not take part in some contest over who has had it worse. If I wanted that, I'd move back in with the nonmaternal.

[Alice]

Well, I don't know how to say my experience. I am a guy BTW, but I was molested by a big gay guy when I was first year high school. The guy was like 30 to 35 years of age and I was a young pup back then. I can't say the details of what exactly happened because I choose to bury that part of my past behind like it never happened. But I agree it is hard to stop such things from happening mostly because of "fear". Fear that he might hurt me if I struggle or perhaps worst. But I manage to breakaway from him mostly because I insisted that he let me go or I'll fight back while he was in the middle of it. Well, to make things short he did not hurt me or anything but the damage has been done.

But even after what happened, I have no ill or angry feelings towards gay men. In fact I pity them for being imprisoned to such fate. And I still respect them. Even to the person doing the molestation to me, I am not angry with him. I just stay away from him as far as I can during that time. Plus I never provide such opportunity to ever happened again.

But thinking about it, if he had been very aggressive he could have done worst than molesting me. He could have his (you know what) on my (you know what). It would have resulted in a worst case scenario and would have change me forever and the way I look at gay people. I probably would have had him killed eventually given my influnce on my fraternities and gangs later when I was a Freshamn in college. I was just thankful it only went as far as molesting and did not do permanent damage to me. But right now, I have forgotten it, I just can't help but get carried away everytime I talk about it. Because it certainly was not something I wanted to remember. It just make me furious that I was soo weak to stop him when he first make his move.

[savannahrose44]

Well, I don't know how to say my experience. I am a guy BTW, but I was molested by a big gay guy when I was first year high school. The guy was like 30 to 35 years of age and I was a young pup back then. I can't say the details of what exactly happened because I choose to bury that part of my past behind like it never happened. But I agree it is hard to stop such things from happening mostly because of "fear". Fear that he might hurt me if I struggle or perhaps worst. But I manage to breakaway from him mostly because I insisted that he let me go or I'll fight back while he was in the middle of it. Well, to make things short he did not hurt me or anything but the damage has been done.

But even after what happened, I have no ill or angry feelings towards gay men. In fact I pity them for being imprisoned to such fate. And I still respect them. Even to the person doing the molestation to me, I am not angry with him. I just stay away from him as far as I can during that time. Plus I never provide such opportunity to ever happened again.

But thinking about it, if he had been very aggressive he could have done worst than molesting me. He could have his (you know what) on my (you know what). It would have resulted in a worst case scenario and would have change me forever and the way I look at gay people. I probably would have had him killed eventually given my influnce on my fraternities and gangs later when I was a Freshamn in college. I was just thankful it only went as far as molesting and did not do permanent damage to me. But right now, I have forgotten it, I just can't help but get carried away everytime I talk about it. Because it certainly was not something I wanted to remember. It just make me furious that I was soo weak to stop him when he first make his move.

Thank you for sharing with us. It takes courage to come out and say something like that. Kudos to you though for remembering that one @$$hole in this world doesn't spoil the buch.

[Bryony]

But even after what happened, I have no ill or angry feelings towards gay men. In fact I pity them for being imprisoned to such fate. And I still respect them. Even to the person doing the molestation to me, I am not angry with him. I just stay away from him as far as I can during that time. Plus I never provide such opportunity to ever happened again. ...
... It just make me furious that I was soo weak to stop him when he first make his move.
:strike:

How can you pity someone's sexuality? That is utterly unfair. Just because someone from one social group did something horrible does not make the entire lot of that group wrong in the way they live their lives. The men I have been closest to are almost all gay, and are good people.

As to the second part, weakness has nothing to do with it. You can be overpowered emotionally as well as physically, from shock. I am very sorry you were molested, but categorization of this sort infuriates me-don't pity those who are happy with their lifestyle.

[Kalika]

:hugz: to the people who have come here to share and vent.

[savannahrose44]

:strike:

How can you pity someone's sexuality? That is utterly unfair. Just because someone from one social group did something horrible does not make the entire lot of that group wrong in the way they live their lives. The men I have been closest to are almost all gay, and are good people.

As to the second part, weakness has nothing to do with it. You can be overpowered emotionally as well as physically, from shock. I am very sorry you were molested, but categorization of this sort infuriates me-don't pity those who are happy with their lifestyle.

I think you missed the point entirely, and remember that she is entitled to her feelings just the same as you so no bashing here please. :)

[FeatherGoblinglimmer]

I'm glad someone said something Savannah:)

[savannahrose44]

I'm glad someone said something Savannah:)

Im not one to keep my mouth shut, but thank you anyway. :hehehe:

[FeatherGoblinglimmer]

I was thinking similar lines but i had no idea how to put it into words.

[Kalika]

I was ignoring it, cause in threads like this, addressing it tends to make it worse. :p

But, I'll second what was said. You may disagree with someone's thoughts or feelings, but DO NOT put them down for what they think or how they feel.

Enough, now.


:huddle: We're here for support and understand, and offer that to those who need it.

Blessings,

Kalika

(All of a sudden... I feel like a mommy. Sorry ladies)

[savannahrose44]

I am not trying to put anyone down or make anyone feel bad, but people need to remember that this is not an easy thing for anyone to do...sharing such hard and painful memories with others. We have all come here because this is a place where we can feel safe and free of judgement, and I fully intend to keep it that way. If you disagree with someones post that is fine, but please keep it to yourself or discuss it with them through PM. We are trying to keep an air of freedom and release here, not discrimination and pursecution. That is not what this thread is about. :thumbsup:

[FeatherGoblinglimmer]

I saw him in town today with his fiance. We stopped, acknowledged each other, a little small chit chat. You know the thing. Hello, how are you? yada yada.

I feel ok about it really i think. Its still hard but it's getting easier. The one thing that makes me sad though is that over the last 6 months i have seen more of him then my 'real life' friends, whom in total i've probably seen twice.

[savannahrose44]

I saw him in town today with his fiance. We stopped, acknowledged each other, a little small chit chat. You know the thing. Hello, how are you? yada yada.

I feel ok about it really i think. Its still hard but it's getting easier. The one thing that makes me sad though is that over the last 6 months i have seen more of him then my 'real life' friends, whom in total i've probably seen twice.

Time has a way of lifting burdens. I'm glad things are getting better for you. :hugz:

[WiccanFae]

I am going to share the story of what happened to me recently.....its graphic so be warned....
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On Thursday July 1 I went for a walk in the woods at the elem school near my house. It was about 11 or 11:30pm and I was alone, trying to clear my head, I often walk there, its quiet and calming. Well this night I went and walked as I normally do, until I came to a group of four guys hanging out and drinking. I was hoping to just walk by them, but they insisted that I talk to them. I stopped and figured that I would chat for a few minutes, show them how boring I am and that be the end of it. One of them came over to where I was standing, and put his arm around me and tried to kiss me. I laughed and put my hands up to push him away. That was my mistakem it pissed him off. Before I knew what was happening I was on the ground. He started clawing at me, and I fought, kicking and thrashing. He laughed and called his three friends over to hold me. I tried to bite one of them as they grabbed my arms, and he hit me across the face. I think I blacked out, or blocked it out because I knew what was happening but it was like it was happening to someone else. All of a sudden I was let go of, and I got up and started to run. I got about 10 feet away when I was tackled, I think thats when I wrenched my knee I felt a sharp pain as I hit the ground. Again I am pinned and the second guy rapes me. I gave up fighting at this point, I knew they had me and had won. I prayed that it would be over soon. The second guy finished and they let go of me and yelled at me to get up again, I just lay there, unable to move. That pissed the third guy off, he kicked me in the ribs, and then yanked me to my feet. He shoved my back up against a tree and slammed my head backwards. He put his hands on my throat and in the coldest calmest voice I have ever heard looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I wanted to die. He started to squeeze until I clawed his hands and managed to say no. He let go of me and just stared at me like he had never seen me before. His friends started yelling at him to hurry up they were bored. He yelled at them to shut up, slammed his arm against my throat so I was staring him in the eyes and could not look away, and he raped me. After he finished he let go of me and I kind of crumpled to the ground. He looked at me in disgust and walked over to where his friends were waiting. The fourth guy came over to where I was on my knees, and yanked my head back to look up at him. He told me his friends said I was a losy whore, I had better do better for him or he would slit my throat. He pulled a knife out from his pocket so I could see it, and flipped it around in his hand. He made like he was going to stab me, then laughed and yanked me to my feet. He shoved me against the tree again, and raped me. After he was done he forced me to look at him again, and said that if I told anyone, he would kill me and come after my little girl. That made my blood run cold, I did not know them had never seen them before, how the hell did they know about her?? He kissed me roughly on the mouth, and then half shoved half threw me backwards. I listened to them laughing and high fiving each other, and the sound of glass clinking in a bag. I waited until I was sure they were gone, then found my clothes and made my way home.

*shivers* Thats my story, the whole ugly truth of it.

[savannahrose44]

:hugz: There are no words for what I am feeling right now. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. They probally guessed at the fact that you had a child...I wouldn't let that part worry you too much. :hugz: and healing ((((((((((((WiccanFae))))))))))))))
I am going to share the story of what happened to me recently.....its graphic so be warned....
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On Thursday July 1 I went for a walk in the woods at the elem school near my house. It was about 11 or 11:30pm and I was alone, trying to clear my head, I often walk there, its quiet and calming. Well this night I went and walked as I normally do, until I came to a group of four guys hanging out and drinking. I was hoping to just walk by them, but they insisted that I talk to them. I stopped and figured that I would chat for a few minutes, show them how boring I am and that be the end of it. One of them came over to where I was standing, and put his arm around me and tried to kiss me. I laughed and put my hands up to push him away. That was my mistakem it pissed him off. Before I knew what was happening I was on the ground. He started clawing at me, and I fought, kicking and thrashing. He laughed and called his three friends over to hold me. I tried to bite one of them as they grabbed my arms, and he hit me across the face. I think I blacked out, or blocked it out because I knew what was happening but it was like it was happening to someone else. All of a sudden I was let go of, and I got up and started to run. I got about 10 feet away when I was tackled, I think thats when I wrenched my knee I felt a sharp pain as I hit the ground. Again I am pinned and the second guy rapes me. I gave up fighting at this point, I knew they had me and had won. I prayed that it would be over soon. The second guy finished and they let go of me and yelled at me to get up again, I just lay there, unable to move. That pissed the third guy off, he kicked me in the ribs, and then yanked me to my feet. He shoved my back up against a tree and slammed my head backwards. He put his hands on my throat and in the coldest calmest voice I have ever heard looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I wanted to die. He started to squeeze until I clawed his hands and managed to say no. He let go of me and just stared at me like he had never seen me before. His friends started yelling at him to hurry up they were bored. He yelled at them to shut up, slammed his arm against my throat so I was staring him in the eyes and could not look away, and he raped me. After he finished he let go of me and I kind of crumpled to the ground. He looked at me in disgust and walked over to where his friends were waiting. The fourth guy came over to where I was on my knees, and yanked my head back to look up at him. He told me his friends said I was a losy whore, I had better do better for him or he would slit my throat. He pulled a knife out from his pocket so I could see it, and flipped it around in his hand. He made like he was going to stab me, then laughed and yanked me to my feet. He shoved me against the tree again, and raped me. After he was done he forced me to look at him again, and said that if I told anyone, he would kill me and come after my little girl. That made my blood run cold, I did not know them had never seen them before, how the hell did they know about her?? He kissed me roughly on the mouth, and then half shoved half threw me backwards. I listened to them laughing and high fiving each other, and the sound of glass clinking in a bag. I waited until I was sure they were gone, then found my clothes and made my way home.

*shivers* Thats my story, the whole ugly truth of it.

[FeatherGoblinglimmer]

*huggles*
If anyone threatened my daughter after something like that i'd be terrified. Remember whatever happens that it was NOT your fault, and you are a beautiful and worthy human being.

I hope you don't think i'm being intrusive;Are you going to report them? It is entirely up to you whether you do or don't, but whatever you decide do not let the threat on your daughter sway your desicion.

[WiccanFae]

*huggles*
If anyone threatened my daughter after something like that i'd be terrified. Remember whatever happens that it was NOT your fault, and you are a beautiful and worthy human being.

I hope you don't think i'm being intrusive;Are you going to report them? It is entirely up to you whether you do or don't, but whatever you decide do not let the threat on your daughter sway your desicion.

I did talk to the police, and told them what happened, they said since I would not get examined that there was not a lot they could do except compare stories with other cases and see if there may be other victims, i.e if these guys had done this before...

[savannahrose44]

I did talk to the police, and told them what happened, they said since I would not get examined that there was not a lot they could do except compare stories with other cases and see if there may be other victims, i.e if these guys had done this before...

This is none of my business and I have no room to talk really because I didn't do it either, but why didn't you let them examine you? I was 11 the first time I was raped and looking back I wish I had not kept so quiet about it. Just curious more than anything. Dont mean to pry.

[WiccanFae]

This is none of my business and I have no room to talk really because I didn't do it either, but why didn't you let them examine you? I was 11 the first time I was raped and looking back I wish I had not kept so quiet about it. Just curious more than anything. Dont mean to pry.

Its okay, many people ask me that. I was molested when I was very young by a man that claimed to be a doctor, it has given me an intense fear of them. And I just could not deal with someone touching me again, it would have been like reliving it. I am extremly obsessive compulsive about avoiding docs, especially gyns. Its too much for me to handle, so I just don't do it. *shrugs*

[savannahrose44]

Its okay, many people ask me that. I was molested when I was very young by a man that claimed to be a doctor, it has given me an intense fear of them. And I just could not deal with someone touching me again, it would have been like reliving it. I am extremly obsessive compulsive about avoiding docs, especially gyns. Its too much for me to handle, so I just don't do it. *shrugs*

I understand now...thank you for sharing that with me. I wasn't trying to pry. I completely understand that. I too have a hard time going to the gyn. I only do so because I need to stay healthy. The ba$tard that raped me as a child left a lot of internal scar tissue that has to be watched very carefully. I will not allow a male gyn to touch me and even a female must be chaparoned. I'm just not comfortable with it. After all is said and done I am amazed I have a sex life at all.

[WiccanFae]

I understand now...thank you for sharing that with me. I wasn't trying to pry. I completely understand that. I too have a hard time going to the gyn. I only do so because I need to stay healthy. The ba$tard that raped me as a child left a lot of internal scar tissue that has to be watched very carefully. I will not allow a male gyn to touch me and even a female must be chaparoned. I'm just not comfortable with it. After all is said and done I am amazed I have a sex life at all.

I can't even comprehend a sex life right now, even someone hugging me is enough to throw me into a panic attack. I admire you for being able to have one, and for being able to see a doc, I cannot, no matter how much people tell me I should, for my health or any other reason.

[savannahrose44]

I can't even comprehend a sex life right now, even someone hugging me is enough to throw me into a panic attack. I admire you for being able to have one, and for being able to see a doc, I cannot, no matter how much people tell me I should, for my health or any other reason.

I think that ability came from my sheer determination not to let fear run my life. I am stronger than their memories. That is not to say that I havent encountered my fair share of flash backs and nightmares. It has taken some very patient lovers to help me through those situations. But I have made sure to be up front with them and let them know what might come up. For the most part I have been met with nothing but love and support. :hugz: and healing. I hope you might one day find peace my friend.

[Brynn]

:hugz: Love and healing for you, WiccanFae :hugz:

[WiccanFae]

I think that ability came from my sheer determination not to let fear run my life. I am stronger than their memories. That is not to say that I havent encountered my fair share of flash backs and nightmares. It has taken some very patient lovers to help me through those situations. But I have made sure to be up front with them and let them know what might come up. For the most part I have been met with nothing but love and support. :hugz: and healing. I hope you might one day find peace my friend.

:hugz: I've been reading the stories of people here and elsewhere, and it gives me hope that I will be able to work my way back to where I can be "normal" again, not a mental mess. I've found that telling my story over and over has been helping as well, although it terrifies me. I guess by telling, I release a tiny bit of the power they have over me, I go against what they told me to do. Maybe I will be able to actually verbally say it someday, but for now I can write it out, defy them in my own little way...

[savannahrose44]

:hugz: I've been reading the stories of people here and elsewhere, and it gives me hope that I will be able to work my way back to where I can be "normal" again, not a mental mess. I've found that telling my story over and over has been helping as well, although it terrifies me. I guess by telling, I release a tiny bit of the power they have over me, I go against what they told me to do. Maybe I will be able to actually verbally say it someday, but for now I can write it out, defy them in my own little way...

I am glad that you have at least found some release for the pain you carry. No one should have to keep it all bottled up inside. I am glad that this has been helping...and yes eventually time will heal your wounds. You are strong, loved, beautiful.... :huddle:

[Brynn]

Umm ok, I'll tell all I can remember.
I was 13, I think. I was helping a close friend at a charity event at her church. Her 17 brother was there helping us as well. Some how we both ended up alone in one of the back rooms in the church. I wasn't a virgin at the time and some how he knew that. Probably found out from my friend, but anyways he grabbed me and called me a whore. He said if I was that easy I should have sex with him. I said no and he raped me, but I don't really remember anything specifically.

[Brynn]

I usually tell myself it didn't happen, but by saying it I'm admitting it to myself that it happened.

[savannahrose44]

Umm ok, I'll tell all I can remember.
I was 13, I think. I was helping a close friend at a charity event at her church. Her 17 brother was there helping us as well. Some how we both ended up alone in one of the back rooms in the church. I wasn't a virgin at the time and some how he knew that. Probably found out from my friend, but anyways he grabbed me and called me a whore. He said if I was that easy I should have sex with him. I said no and he raped me, but I don't really remember anything specifically.

Thank you for your quiet strength Brynn that took courage to come out and say....Just remember this unimaginable monster can only have power over you if you let him. He will get whats coming to him in the end. Though I am not christian I know their god is a god of vengance and that dog will have his day! :smash:

[Brynn]

I'm kind of freaking out! I'm not sure I should have dug this up.

[savannahrose44]

I usually tell myself it didn't happen, but by saying it I'm admitting it to myself that it happened.

It happend Brynn...that you cannot change...you can choose to let it run your life, or you can choose to take back the power that was taken from you. You have taken the first steps on the road to healing. Don't bottle it back up now that it is out in the open. Let the wound breathe so it can heal....don't cover it up to fester. :hugz: and strength to you.

[savannahrose44]

I'm kind of freaking out! I'm not sure I should have dug this up.

You will be okay....the path to healing is not an easy one...it is plagued with all kinds of nastiness, but the end result is so sweet. To have no more fear of the monster and to be able to hold your head up and be proud of who you are. Remember that this event has helped to shape the person you are today....You would not be the same beautiful strong person you are now without this ugliness in your past.

[Kalika]

Its okay, many people ask me that. I was molested when I was very young by a man that claimed to be a doctor, it has given me an intense fear of them. And I just could not deal with someone touching me again, it would have been like reliving it. I am extremly obsessive compulsive about avoiding docs, especially gyns. Its too much for me to handle, so I just don't do it. *shrugs*

:hugz: I'm sorry to hear that hon.

Have you considered trying a female doctor/gyn? They are often times alot more understanding, especially if you relay to them your fears and concerns.

Brynn,

Talking about it sometimes helps... and when you're young (13!), you tend to block out unpleasant memories, (I know I did)... it helps you to cope.

FeatherGoblinGlimmer,

I'm glad to hear that time has helped ease some of the pain...

I hope all of you are well. :huddle:

Blessings,

Kalika

[WiccanFae]

I'm kind of freaking out! I'm not sure I should have dug this up.

I know what you mean, its really hard to look at what happened, to remember and to know that it is real, not some messed up dream like you would want to believe. But like the others said, and I am starting to realize, the more you talk about it, defy the monster(s) that do this, you gain a little bit of that power back. Also, I don't know about you, but it helped me to read other people's stories, and to know that I am not alone. Rape is a very lonely crime, I felt like I am carrying some horrid disease that no one wants to know about. But I came here, and I know that I am loved and cared about, and I am not alone. If by sharing my story, I can give someone else hope, then it is worth it. I was hiding the bruises and injuries that I have, but I have decided not to, I have nothing to be ashamed of. Maybe if people know what happened to me, they will see that rape is a very common event, and we should encourage victims to speak out, and not hide them in the closed office of the SVU at the police station. Just my thoughts. I am here if you want to talk,
AIM Gothic Scream69
yahoo FallenSeraph20
:huddle: To all that have shared their story, and to all that have yet to find the courage to. Hope and Healing, we will find in the strength of each other

[Brynn]

:hugz: To everyone too!! It has helped to get it out!

[FeatherGoblinglimmer]

*huggles all*

[Angelus_Errare]

i was raped and i have only told one other person , my boyfriend. i was raped when i was 11 by my cousin and his friends. I have also been raped when i was 15 by a 19 year old. its really hard to share this but yeah :hugz: to all that have been raped or friends and family of those too! :hugz:

[FeatherGoblinglimmer]

*huggles Luana*

I hope that in sharing it will help you:)

[savannahrose44]

i was raped and i have only told one other person , my boyfriend. i was raped when i was 11 by my cousin and his friends. I have also been raped when i was 15 by a 19 year old. its really hard to share this but yeah :hugz: to all that have been raped or friends and family of those too! :hugz:

:hugz: and healing strength Luana.

[Kalika]

:hugz: Luana.

Thanks for feeling comfortable enough to share it with those of us here.

[Yasmine Galenorn]

It happend Brynn...that you cannot change...you can choose to let it run your life, or you can choose to take back the power that was taken from you. You have taken the first steps on the road to healing. Don't bottle it back up now that it is out in the open. Let the wound breathe so it can heal....don't cover it up to fester. :hugz: and strength to you.

EXACTLY...*that* is what gives these pervs their power--shame, bottling things up, not telling. They say, "Don't tell anybody or I'll (hurt you, say you lied, fill-in-the-blank)"

Our mothers often said, "Don't ever let anybody know...what would (the neighbors, our family, our friends) think..."

And by acquiescing, by NOT TELLING....we give them power. We give them the feeling that we are shamed, rather than that we were abused. We give them the power to keep us their victims for the rest of our lives. Talking, bringing it out in the open, saying, "This is NOT okay..." That forces people to re-examine the reality of what is an exceptionally frequent criminal act. We force people to say, "Yes, there IS a problem..." And there, we take our power back.

So don't run away from it, don't try to repress it...in time, you learn how to regain your strength and what these people steal from you...in time, you learn that you are a survivor, not a victim anymore.

Hugs, and know that by not being ashamed, by saying, "This was WRONG...I am NOT at fault and I am NOT ashamed" that you have started on the road to healing.

Yasmine :colorful:

[Yasmine Galenorn]

Maybe if people know what happened to me, they will see that rape is a very common event, and we should encourage victims to speak out, and not hide them in the closed office of the SVU at the police station.

Yes! This is what I keep telling women who write to me after finding out through my books that I've been raped too...I tell them if you speak out, if you make it known, if you stand up with pride that you survived, that you lived through this (and a lot of women and children don't...and no doubt, some men, too), then you can be proud of yourself because you're helping others by example, and by saying "This ISN'T okay, it HAS to change and I'm going to be part of that change!" You show a strength that your attacker can never take away by doing that.

Yasmine :colorful:

[savannahrose44]

Thank you. :hugz:

[savannahrose44]

:bumpsmili

[Kalika]

:huddle:

[savannahrose44]

Well that was fun...I had a slight mental breakdown this weekend...Thank the Gods it was a weekend. Latent memory triggers are not fun. I completely lost it. I thought I was stronger than that. My father is a disgusting peice of $#@! and I can't wait for Karma to get ahold of him....He doesn't deserve to live, but that is out of my hands. This is the first time in my life I have ever wished physical harm on anyone....In so many ways what my father did to me was worse than what my rapists did. It's a really good thing he's far, far away from me right now...because if he were here I don't know that I could stop myself....I won't go into the details, because it's a little too painful for me right now, but he's a monster....I hate him and I wish he would just drop dead and be out of my life for good. Yes...I'm a little angry can you tell? :flamer: Just when things were settling down again...this had to come up. Oh and even better the nightmares are back...stronger than ever! Oh Joy! No sleep for me....at least not any quality sleep...

[savannahrose44]

Gods help me! I'm hallucinating. The only reason I know who my boyfriend is right now is that I can hear his voice. I keep seeing their faces and I can't make it stop. I need help.

[Romani Vixen]

Sweetie... I'm calling as soon as I get home.

(((((((((((((((savannah))))))))))))))

Remember, your mind is trying to process everything.

[savannahrose44]

Thanks but I'm fine now. It was just my body and my mind reacitng badly to the aniversary date. It's past now. I never want to go through that agian. I felt like crap.

[Angelus_Errare]

I ummm... got raped recently again.. I can't talk about it.. It hurts to much.. sorry. =(

[Angelus_Errare]

and I feel like its my fault.... I can't handle this again! :wah: its hurts so much.. I just want him to die..

[Tsuchimaru]

:Hugz:

[savannahrose44]

and I feel like its my fault.... I can't handle this again! :wah: its hurts so much.. I just want him to die..

If you would like to talk feel free to PM me. :hugz:

[Arani]

I don't know if I really have a right to post in here. . .All of you are so strong and went through so much more than me. I'm not sure if I was raped or not. My friends say that I was, but I mean, it's weird. My ex boyfriend forced me to have sex with him, but I said yes.

We were driving around, and I didn't have any shoes on, he drove about two miles from my house and parked in this deserted area. He started trying to talk me into doing things to him, or for him, but since I'm engaged, I told him no. I repeatedly told him no, but he kept telling me he wouldn't take me home until I did. Then he pulled *it* out and made me touch it. He like, grabbed my hand and MADE me. Also, he touched me even when I told him not to. That part made me uncomfortable, like, he pinned my arms and touched me. He kept me out there for a few hours. He kind of got me aroused, and he said if I had sex with him he'd take me home, so I did. So it wasn't technically rape, but I didn't want to. I told him no so many times but he wouldn't take me home. But the other thing is that I kind of enjoyed the sex. . .

I guess I'm just wondering if I really was raped or not, or if it counts as rape at all. . .

I'm sorry for posting in here when my problem is so much less important than the rest of yours. I admire all of you so much for being able to talk about your experiences.

And Angelus_Errare, I'm here if you want to talk at all, just PM me. I'm so sorry this happened to you again. I'm sending healing and protective energies right now, because I know you must be feeling so vulnerable. We're all here for you if and when you're ready to talk, and until then, just know that we all love you and that we'll take care of you as best we can.

[savannahrose44]

I don't know if I really have a right to post in here. . .All of you are so strong and went through so much more than me. I'm not sure if I was raped or not. My friends say that I was, but I mean, it's weird. My ex boyfriend forced me to have sex with him, but I said yes.

We were driving around, and I didn't have any shoes on, he drove about two miles from my house and parked in this deserted area. He started trying to talk me into doing things to him, or for him, but since I'm engaged, I told him no. I repeatedly told him no, but he kept telling me he wouldn't take me home until I did. Then he pulled *it* out and made me touch it. He like, grabbed my hand and MADE me. Also, he touched me even when I told him not to. That part made me uncomfortable, like, he pinned my arms and touched me. He kept me out there for a few hours. He kind of got me aroused, and he said if I had sex with him he'd take me home, so I did. So it wasn't technically rape, but I didn't want to. I told him no so many times but he wouldn't take me home. But the other thing is that I kind of enjoyed the sex. . .

I guess I'm just wondering if I really was raped or not, or if it counts as rape at all. . .

I'm sorry for posting in here when my problem is so much less important than the rest of yours. I admire all of you so much for being able to talk about your experiences.

And Angelus_Errare, I'm here if you want to talk at all, just PM me. I'm so sorry this happened to you again. I'm sending healing and protective energies right now, because I know you must be feeling so vulnerable. We're all here for you if and when you're ready to talk, and until then, just know that we all love you and that we'll take care of you as best we can.

PM on the way! :hugz:

[Sith]

There are times I wish vigilante justice were legal

If only. Then again, if a warrent is out on them, some bounty hunters (legal in certain states) and PIs could be a vigilante team but he'd have to be dangerous before true justice could be done. I think rapists aren't punished enough or severely as they should be. If they do it once, there is a very almost non-existant chance they won't do it again.

[savannahrose44]

If only. Then again, if a warrent is out on them, some bounty hunters (legal in certain states) and PIs could be a vigilante team but he'd have to be dangerous before true justice could be done. I think rapists aren't punished enough or severely as they should be. If they do it once, there is a very almost non-existant chance they won't do it again.

Have to agree on that one. Unfortunate but true. :rolleyes:

[Autumn]

I don't know if I really have a right to post in here. . .All of you are so strong and went through so much more than me. I'm not sure if I was raped or not. My friends say that I was, but I mean, it's weird. My ex boyfriend forced me to have sex with him, but I said yes.

We were driving around, and I didn't have any shoes on, he drove about two miles from my house and parked in this deserted area. He started trying to talk me into doing things to him, or for him, but since I'm engaged, I told him no. I repeatedly told him no, but he kept telling me he wouldn't take me home until I did. Then he pulled *it* out and made me touch it. He like, grabbed my hand and MADE me. Also, he touched me even when I told him not to. That part made me uncomfortable, like, he pinned my arms and touched me. He kept me out there for a few hours. He kind of got me aroused, and he said if I had sex with him he'd take me home, so I did. So it wasn't technically rape, but I didn't want to. I told him no so many times but he wouldn't take me home. But the other thing is that I kind of enjoyed the sex. . .

I guess I'm just wondering if I really was raped or not, or if it counts as rape at all. . .

I'm sorry for posting in here when my problem is so much less important than the rest of yours. I admire all of you so much for being able to talk about your experiences.

And Angelus_Errare, I'm here if you want to talk at all, just PM me. I'm so sorry this happened to you again. I'm sending healing and protective energies right now, because I know you must be feeling so vulnerable. We're all here for you if and when you're ready to talk, and until then, just know that we all love you and that we'll take care of you as best we can.


At the very least this is unlawful imprisonment and is really close to rape, because it was not a pure mutual consent...and it's rather likely that it would have turned into a violent rape if you had continues to say no...

Coersion does not equal consent!!!!

[savannahrose44]

At the very least this is unlawful imprisonment and is really close to rape, because it was not a pure mutual consent...and it's rather likely that it would have turned into a violent rape if you had continues to say no...

Coersion does not equal consent!!!!

Thank YOU!!! Those are the words I was trying to find to say to her, but for some reason I had a brain fart.

[Romani Vixen]

I don't know if I really have a right to post in here. . .All of you are so strong and went through so much more than me. I'm not sure if I was raped or not. My friends say that I was, but I mean, it's weird. My ex boyfriend forced me to have sex with him, but I said yes.

What he did was not right. Unfortunately, some... boys (regardless of their actual age) don't really care how they get the woman to say yes. He essentially held you hostage until you did. You could not have been considered in your right mind to concent. I'd immagine that any judge would see agree.

And your problem is not unworthy. No situation is. They are all different. We've all been hurt in a sexual way.

****huggs****

[Arani]

Thank you all for replying. I guess I'm still trying to accept what happened to me. I feel really uncomfortable late at night now. . .He lives up the street from me, and I keep thinking that he's going to come to my house late at night.

I just wanted to thank you all for sharing your stories. So far I've read up to page 18, and reading about your experiences have really helped me with mine. You all are so strong. I really do admire you.

[Romani Vixen]

***huggs***

What are you doing to help yourself feel more at ease?

Lock your doors? Get a baseball bat? (never hurts to have it around!) a close-by friend's number on speed dial? Have you told anyone else what happened?

[Arani]

I keep my doors locked at night, but my bedroom windows are on the front of the house (luckily second story) and I'm afraid that he's going to try and get my attention from the windows. Once (a few months back) he came to my house in the middle of the night, and if I hadn't been downstairs and seen him, he said he would have started throwing tiny stones and such at my window. He came for sex then, and I'm just kind of worried that he's going to come back.

I've only told a few people. I've told my little sister (she's 15, and one of my closest confidants, also she goes to school with him), I've told my best friend, another close male friend, and my fiance. And of course, everyone on this board.

I wish I had a baseball bat, I used to have half of a wooden staff I had accidentally broken next to my bed, but I lost it. I do have my cat, Tasslehoff, and I do NOT trim his claws. He has sharp claws and teeth, and uses them quite frequently, actually. I keep him with me in my room at night. He and I share a very close bond (unusually close, compared to all the other animals I've owned). I know he'd attack anyone who tried to physically harm me.

I think a big reason I get scared late at night is because I'm all alone, because my father and sister go to bed much earlier than I do, and I stay up pretty late. I don't like being alone. . .

[Arani]

*bump* Don't want this thread to get lost!

[Élistariel]

:fpeek: :yikes: Okay... I'll say what I can. I've never told a SOUL. I never bothered because my parents divorced. Yep, my own f***ing father. I don't remember when it *all* normal and oral, started, around 4, I think. It ended when I was 7, and I moved with my mom. I don't think she knew. I didn't tell either, because Daddy :sick: asked me not to. I didn't know it was wrong, to me it was just something we did :flamer: I even rememer asking for it once, cause I thought that was what people did. :ahhhhhhh: Note, I was about 5 at the time. My mother was the one who worked, so I was only safe at school. I remember my mother telling me about my first day at school and how I was adamant about staying. She thought it was because I enjoyed it so much. Sad to say , but that wasn't the worst. The worst was when I did something he say as wrong, I got the belt. I had to come to him, and he counted, if he got to 30 by the time I came in, that's how many times I was struck. I was lucky if the buckle part was in his hands. I also remember being locked in my room when he tired of me, or just wanted some quiet or whatever. If I was hungry, too bad, if I had to use the bathroom, too bad. I held it until I couldn't simple as that. :dis: I only spoke to him once, when my mother had moved back to her homestate after the divorce, by then I knew what had been goign on was wrong. I got in contact with him about a year or two ago. Not to discuss the past, but because I found out I had a sister, and I wanted to know about her. I email him from time to time to learn about my siblings that he has custody of. I don't feel angry at him, I feel more pity than anything. I don't fear for them either, I can't explain it, but I feel that somehow they are protected. I learned he got cancer a while back, I felt nothing. Not sorry, not joy, nothing, and I cried for a week when my betta fish died. I have not lost any faith in men, I am just protective of every kid I see. That's not to say I go "Momma Grizzly", but I sometimes watch kids like a hawk. I cannot physically make the sigh of relief I am feeling right now... I still carry the weight on my shoulders, but now I feel as though I have some help carrying it. If you are wondering how I cope, I am a walk-in. To me, this happened to the soul/spirit before me. I took over for her. I usually refer to "her" as me, it makes more sense to others, and I have a lot of her memories, that being one of them. Technically *I* have no siblings, but I do this for *her*. I hope that made sense. BTW, my walk-in didn't occur because of the incidents, when I was about 5, I fell off a small bridge and cracked my head on concrete below. (Not large bridge, just a small one in a back yard).

I cannot believe I just said that... _inabox_


:huddle:

[Arani]

Thank you for sharing your story with us. You are a very strong person for being able to survive that. :hugz:

[savannahrose44]

I keep my doors locked at night, but my bedroom windows are on the front of the house (luckily second story) and I'm afraid that he's going to try and get my attention from the windows. Once (a few months back) he came to my house in the middle of the night, and if I hadn't been downstairs and seen him, he said he would have started throwing tiny stones and such at my window. He came for sex then, and I'm just kind of worried that he's going to come back.

I've only told a few people. I've told my little sister (she's 15, and one of my closest confidants, also she goes to school with him), I've told my best friend, another close male friend, and my fiance. And of course, everyone on this board.

I wish I had a baseball bat, I used to have half of a wooden staff I had accidentally broken next to my bed, but I lost it. I do have my cat, Tasslehoff, and I do NOT trim his claws. He has sharp claws and teeth, and uses them quite frequently, actually. I keep him with me in my room at night. He and I share a very close bond (unusually close, compared to all the other animals I've owned). I know he'd attack anyone who tried to physically harm me.

I think a big reason I get scared late at night is because I'm all alone, because my father and sister go to bed much earlier than I do, and I stay up pretty late. I don't like being alone. . .

:hugz: I know how this feels to be afraid in the night when you're all alone. I started sleeping with a dagger under my pillow just in case...Made me feel a lot better until I was able to once again feel safe in my own home.

[savannahrose44]

:fpeek: :yikes: Okay... I'll say what I can. I've never told a SOUL. I never bothered because my parents divorced. Yep, my own f***ing father. I don't remember when it *all* normal and oral, started, around 4, I think. It ended when I was 7, and I moved with my mom. I don't think she knew. I didn't tell either, because Daddy :sick: asked me not to. I didn't know it was wrong, to me it was just something we did :flamer: I even rememer asking for it once, cause I thought that was what people did. :ahhhhhhh: Note, I was about 5 at the time. My mother was the one who worked, so I was only safe at school. I remember my mother telling me about my first day at school and how I was adamant about staying. She thought it was because I enjoyed it so much. Sad to say , but that wasn't the worst. The worst was when I did something he say as wrong, I got the belt. I had to come to him, and he counted, if he got to 30 by the time I came in, that's how many times I was struck. I was lucky if the buckle part was in his hands. I also remember being locked in my room when he tired of me, or just wanted some quiet or whatever. If I was hungry, too bad, if I had to use the bathroom, too bad. I held it until I couldn't simple as that. :dis: I only spoke to him once, when my mother had moved back to her homestate after the divorce, by then I knew what had been goign on was wrong. I got in contact with him about a year or two ago. Not to discuss the past, but because I found out I had a sister, and I wanted to know about her. I email him from time to time to learn about my siblings that he has custody of. I don't feel angry at him, I feel more pity than anything. I don't fear for them either, I can't explain it, but I feel that somehow they are protected. I learned he got cancer a while back, I felt nothing. Not sorry, not joy, nothing, and I cried for a week when my betta fish died. I have not lost any faith in men, I am just protective of every kid I see. That's not to say I go "Momma Grizzly", but I sometimes watch kids like a hawk. I cannot physically make the sigh of relief I am feeling right now... I still carry the weight on my shoulders, but now I feel as though I have some help carrying it. If you are wondering how I cope, I am a walk-in. To me, this happened to the soul/spirit before me. I took over for her. I usually refer to "her" as me, it makes more sense to others, and I have a lot of her memories, that being one of them. Technically *I* have no siblings, but I do this for *her*. I hope that made sense. BTW, my walk-in didn't occur because of the incidents, when I was about 5, I fell off a small bridge and cracked my head on concrete below. (Not large bridge, just a small one in a back yard).

I cannot believe I just said that... _inabox_


:huddle:

Thank you for sharing that I know it wasn't easy...My father is one of these unspeakable monsters as well I dont think I shall shed a single tear at his passing when it happens.

[Élistariel]

Thank you for sharing that I know it wasn't easy...My father is one of these unspeakable monsters as well I dont think I shall shed a single tear at his passing when it happens.

I know how you feel. I've gone past wishing he'd die, to just not giving a damn. I love that side of the family, and I hate him for making it so I cannot see them again. He has custody of my half sister and brother, and that pisses me off, but he lives with his mom, so the kids have Grandma, and Grandma rocked, so I know they're safe...enough.

[savannahrose44]

I know how you feel. I've gone past wishing he'd die, to just not giving a damn. I love that side of the family, and I hate him for making it so I cannot see them again. He has custody of my half sister and brother, and that pisses me off, but he lives with his mom, so the kids have Grandma, and Grandma rocked, so I know they're safe...enough.

This is good to hear...Not that I wish he would die anymore...more to the point I really don't care if he lives or not. I just hope his new wife has a sharp eye out for her two young daughters. You see he's 67 in January and his wife is like 40 with a 5 and 10 year old at home. Makes me cringe thinking about it. :awwman:

[Arani]

:bumpsmili

[savannahrose44]

Realization hits hard...I found the source of my nightmares as child while visiting my sister in Texas. She told me the story of the abuse she suffered from our father as a child. I didn't know. But what she described to me struck home like a bell. My father used to come into her room at night with a flashlight and molest her amoung other things...I used to have this intense fear of someone coming into my room with a flashlight growing up. I never knew where it came from until now. I was too young to remember anything but the light. It stuck with me subconsciously for all those years. Now that I know I went through a phase where I hated my father with the deepest of human emotions. Now I have since released that hate. I don't want to hate him anymore. There has been too much pain in my life to add this to it.

[RowanMegaera]

I have been raped on two occasions in my life and emotionally abused more often than I care to admit. The first time, I was 9 years old, a tomboy who loved playing football with the boys. This particular afternoon we were playing in a field where they were building a new subdivision across the highway from my house. It started to rain and most of the other kids left, it was just me and five of the older boys. One of the boys tackled me in the mud and held me down while the others took turns. Telling me all the while I deserved it. After a while they got bored and left me to pick up the pieces and go home. I remember crying in the rain for the longest time and just before dark I finally went home. My parents were used to me coming home muddy and bruised and thought nothing of it when I went straight to the bathtub. I never told them.

Later, when I was in highschool, I thought I had met the love of my life, I should have known better. We met at a dance, one of my friends had brought him as her date to make someone else jealous. I was sitting alone, moping because noone had asked me to dance. He came over and asked me what my problem was. We started dancing, and because he was from a different school, I figured I would never see him again. Some time later I was at that same friend's house and he called, she gave me the phone and we hit it off. He said it was fate, we were meant to be together because noone else could possibly stand either one of us. After several months, I decided I was in love with him and had told him about my past experience and felt that it was "the" time. I offered myself to him... and he turned me down. He informed me that he wanted his first time to be with a virgin, not with damaged goods. I swallowed my pride and went home. From that point on, he started treating me worse and worse. His favorite hobby was making me cry and informing me that he was building character. If I had anywhere near as much character as he claims he was building, I could be an entire broadway play. Eventually he broke up with me stating I was too fat. I was 5'7" and weighed all of 125lbs. I promptly became anorexic and was hospitalized when I reached 90lbs. Over the next several years, he would call me at random times and say he was sorry and he wanted me back. I of course had been waiting just to hear those words and fell for it all over again. This cycle continued well after he was married and expecting a child and after I had my daughter and was engaged to my husband. Luckily, I finally gained enough strength to tell him off, but his words still echo in my mind.

The second time I was raped, I was set up by my suitemates in college. We had gone out several times and I loved flirting and meeting guys. They were always jealous because I got a lot of attention and they didn't. So, one night they invited me to go with them to a party at the house of one of their baseball player friends. While we were there they disappeared. I had had several drinks by this time and decided it was time to go home. I could not find them anywhere and their friend came up to me and told me that he had been instructed to take me home. I reluctantly got in the car with him and he drove me toward my dorm but stopped short telling me that my 'friends' had promised him a reward for rescuing me. I blew him off and asked him to just take me home. I tried to open the car door but he had child locks and grabbed my arm. I don't remember all of the details, thankfully, I just remember being dropped, literally outside my dorm in the middle of the night. I chalked it up to my own stupidity and trudged up to my room. Needless to say, I never spoke to my suitemates again.

I have told my husband what has happened to me, though he doesn't really understand. He is a very agressive personality. Though I know for a fact he would never hurt a woman. His sister was abused by her husband and he forcibly rescued her from the man. I have personally witnessed him breaking a man's hand after he saw the man strike a woman and raise his hand to strike her again. He wants very much to take charge and 'fix' things and has a hard time understanding how I can go from an affectionate, loving, sexual person one day to being unable to be touched even by my daughter the next.

I have been treated off and on for several years for depression, anxiety, eating disorders and have finally been diagnosed as schizoaffective bipolar and have been receiving treatment accordingly. I know I will never forget what has happened to me, but I do my best to overcome it.

[Spera]

The hardest part, was not being believed. To have your freinds decide that you are a lunatic. For people to believe that every teenager wats to have sex, especially if you are pagan.

've never been good at standing up for myself. Im'm still not good at it, I have a hard tiem doing things that seem "mean" to me. I used to cut myself when I was angry at people. I knwo that people don't mean to do what they do, I try to be good and forgive them.

I had spent 3 weeks away from home and the night I came back he insisted on coming over even though my Mom said no, and I said it would be a bad idea. He came anyway 2 in the morning knocking on my basement bedroom door. He slithered int hrough the window. I had already decided that I should break up with him. He always argued with me about sex. he was ad that he was 18 and hadn't. I was 16 and didn't want to. We ended up making out becasue he wanted to, somehow I ended up naked, but I was tired and I asked him if I could sleep and he would wake me when my Dad was coming downstairs. He said he would, I rolled onto my side to sleep, and 10 minutes later he was rolling me over to make out with me more, I asked him why he was doing it and he didn't answer, and I rolled back over gaian, he did the same thing and I was just like Damnit I want to sleep so I just lay there, I didn't think he would go that far, part of me thought he might, but I didn't really think it. I screamed and pushed him off me but I coudln't say anything. He later asked to make out, and I coudln't say anything so he did, I think he just wanted to check to see i he had "popped the cherry". Then he left. And I had to mop up blood out of my bedrrom floor carpet at 4 in the morning, somewhat praying that maybe I had gotten my period or soemthing. When he had first come over that night he told me that the Goddess gave him a message that it would be ok if we had sex. I don't think what I wanted ever registered with him at all.

And I didn't break up with him until a month later. I coudln't even tlak to him about what happened until a week later, and when I did he claimed to have done it sleeping. And that i should just be happy that when I wanted to have sex it wouldn't hurt.

After I broke up with him he started to stalk me. After a while I let him kiss me again, I was so lonley and he was acting all suicidal. but I randomly started dating soemelse so that stopped.

6 months after it happened my principal found out and let my Mom know who taught at her school. She already had me in counceling about the stalking. This was around the same time I found out he had sex with a 15 year old freind of mine and I flipped. We got a restraining order on him- but only my high school deputy beleived me about the rape.

When I was interrogated (he wasn't ever interrogated) they told me to my face that they thought I was lying, becasue I was ashamed that my Mom knew I was a witch and that becasue she was Chrsitian I made up this story to excuse my consensual sex. I tore up my wrists under the table and plotted to throw a my chair through the window to escape. I'm not sure why them not beleiving me hurt even more then all my freinds siding with him. I guess I knew that they knew how charismatic tha bastard was.

It's been almost 5 years.

I wish i were over this.

[Spera]

I guess it doesn't help that my bilogical father molested my mother, tow of her sisters and some kids where we were living in Texas.

I can't and wont forgive him.

I'm a bad person.

I was disapointed when I found they never made it to Thailand for vacation this winter.

Their lives were spared becasue my stepbrother commited statutory rape and couldn't leave the state.

I have more anger than I can process here.

[AutumnWitchie]

they are... but you know something that annoys me... it's when people seem to think that just because the abuse is not physical but emotional that it's not abuse. Emotional abuse can be just as bad if not worse then physical or sexual abuse.. It is a personal pet peeve of mine.


I avoided posting on this thread til I read this. My grandmother was violently raped by an aquantence when I was 4 years old. It happened one night when I was spending the night with her. I saw everything and was threatened by the man myself. It left a huge mark on me. My grandmother wanted to sweep it under the rug and it was "her fault". We were never supposed to speak of it. Her crappy lawyer didn't want to put me on the stand because I "didn't know what I saw and children lie". I was the one who told the cops where he fired the gun at so they could recover the bullet. The man only got 4 years in prison. He had been to prison previously for killing his wife(he was caught in the process of cutting up her body to put it in the burning house). When I was 7 my grandmother got word he was getting out of prison on good behavior. She told me he was going to come kill us. I had nightmares for years. I never dated in high school and am still leary of a man coming up behind me and touching me unexpectedly. When I was a senior in high school, the man who raped my grandmother bought land almost right across the road from her....my family lives within sight of her house. My young brother had to go to the emergancy room that afternoon because he burned his foot playing with fire. On the way home that night we pasted a big wreck. My dad called from work(he was on 3rd shift) at 11p.m. It was the man who raped my grandmother and his friend who had loaned him the money to buy the land. The man was killed instantly and his friend died at the hospital. It was a huge weight off my shoulders and I did a happy dance that night. My grandmother did scold me a couple of days later, however, because I refused to go to the funeral or express any sympathy to the family(his sister and nieces). I'm sure they understood. I always warned the guys I dated in college to never push me and why. My hubby marvels at how stable I manage to be with my history and bi-polar disorder. I, personally don't "forgive and forget". I may move on and be civil but I do not forget. I am appalled that so many women are abused, raped, killed by men. I am apalled that anyone would abuse a child......male or female. People who commit these crimes should get the death penalty. In reality, few perpatrators of these kinds of crimes are ever truely rehabilitated. Sorry this was so long. I'll get off my soapbox for awhile now.

[Goobalon]

does rape only include penetration? or can we talk about molsetation on here too?

[Arani]

Rape is not only penetration, it's taking advantage of you in any way. You can talk about any kind of experience that you feel you need to talk about on here, sweetie.

[Goobalon]

This is kinda weird to write about but I really want to talk to you guys about it. When I was about 5 my family went on a camping trip in my grandma's rv. My cousins and I were sitting on a bed above the drivers area and killing time like kids do, playing games. I really don't remember much. It had something to do with batman (me) being captured by cat woman (my cousins katie was about 8 and summer was about 10 or 11). When my parents saw what was happening they stopped it, but I thought I did something wrong.
I remember more of it sometimes dreaming, and for the longest time I thought thats all it was, a dream. I thought something was wrong with me for imagining something like that, but I got up the courage to ask my parents about it once and they're like "yeah, we caught them doing that. You even went to counseling for that."
Along with that every once in a while I try to blame myself for what happened. That's stupid right? I was only 5. It bothers me the most that I was convinced it was a game when it was happening, it makes me sick to think of that. I'm afraid to be around my cousins now.
What's the saddest part is that one time I was playing with a friend of mine when I was little, not long after the cousin thing, I almost tried to do what my cousins did because I thought it was normal at the time. I'm really glad I had to go before I put her through that. Wow...this is even harder than I thought it would be. Where's the bawling my eyes out emoticon?

[PoisonIvy]

I went out crusing around with a guy that one of my friends hooked me up with. I can't even remember his name now. Any way,he was absolutely gorgeous and had a brand spankin' new Trans Am. He drove me out in the country and offered me some "good pot",that's what he said. It was pretty good allright! Dunno what was in it,but when he got on me,I couldn't move! Then he took me home and dropped me off when he was done,wasn't that sweet of him not to leave me out in the boonies by myself? :grrrrr:

That happened over 10 years ago and it still haunts me! But it makes me feel a little better to know that that guy won't ever hurt anyone else like that again! He ended up layin' in a cornfield,if ya know what I mean! I don't know how that happened,or who did it and frankly I don't much care. I just know that he won't hurt anyone else! _handclapp

BLESSED BE!

[AthenaStrength]

Goobalon, it is very much not okay for them to take advantage of a child like that. they were wrong in what thye did and it is in no way your fault. I will always be here if you need to talk or to vent or just breakdown, i know how it feels. i dont know how YOU feel because it maybe totta