Rape Support Group **Possible MATURE Content**

[Romani Vixen]

There have been a few threads about rape. I know that a number of us have been.

So, here's our own little venting board... let it out... and know that you are loved.

[Tzhebee]

Hmmmm, I don't know that I'm ready to let it all out here....but just wanted to say that should anyone need to talk, I am always available!!! Just know that you are not alone, and that people care.

Good idea, BTW. :D

[Dextra]

Hmmmm, I don't know that I'm ready to let it all out here....but just wanted to say that should anyone need to talk, I am always available!!! Just know that you are not alone, and that people care.

Good idea, BTW. :D

Ditto. With the exception that I've made peace with my situation. I'm here if anyone wants to talk over PM. I'm just not comfortable talking about it in a public sense though. :)

[Kadynas]

Same here... I've gotten to a place where I can deal with what happened. :) But like the others I'm more than willing to help anyone who wants to talk. :hugz:

[Psyche Ague]

I, too, want to make myself available for anyone who wants to PM. Perhaps this subject is not great for this message board, but we are all human and this really does happen more than anyone would like to admit. Please feel free to contact me.

[Boogins]

Same here... I've gotten to a place where I can deal with what happened. :) But like the others I'm more than willing to help anyone who wants to talk. :hugz:

I'm there too. Getting together with my current boyfriend made all the difference in the world for me, because he was sexually abused when he was 12; I think we helped each other through a lot. Still, it's one thing talking with him, another thing here.

But that doesn't mean I don't appreciate the opportunity. Or the friendship. :hugz: to you all.

[nomadicdragon]

You know.. I'm there for everyone having been through the same thing with my oldest brother when I was 10. I was thinking aobut this today after talking with my other brother. One thing I hate is that sometimes my family just doesn't understand why I don't feel ok beign around him.. even though it happened like 15 years ago. I don't hate him. I know that he was repeating a cycle that had been done to him, not that it excuses it but I understand the insanity if that makes sense. But even with al lthat it doesn't mean I feel the need to be friends with him and talk to him. I do not want him in my life. Why is that so hard for my family to understand??

[Romani Vixen]

I don't know why they wouldn't understand. From what I understand, if it's a family member, there's usually him vs. her and not wanting to accept that it happened.

It was 13 years ago for me. I've come to terms myself. I can even talk about it. I've only gone into detail twice. Once to the police and once in a paper in my 12th grade writing class.

[nomadicdragon]

Well.. part of it is that my parents are missionaries. We are all 3 adopted and my family, as is most missioanry families has a strange concept of don't tell anyone anything. Everything has to be ok.. and normally your family is all you have... so my independence and insistance and doing what makes me feel safe and happy is a strange concept for my family..

[Romani Vixen]

Some families burry things... how old was your brother when they adopted him. If he was young, they may not want to think about the fact that it may have been something that they did.... or they don't want to feel guilty about not doing something else,, or putting you in danger. so they don't deal with it. This is a fast way to ulsers.

You can't make them understand you. They have to want it.

I'm currious... if you're willing to share... what's your relationship with him like now... you said that you still talk to him..... I havn't seen the jerk sence it happened... I honestly don't know what I would do.

[nomadicdragon]

Some families burry things... how old was your brother when they adopted him. If he was young, they may not want to think about the fact that it may have been something that they did.... or they don't want to feel guilty about not doing something else,, or putting you in danger. so they don't deal with it. This is a fast way to ulsers.

You can't make them understand you. They have to want it.

I'm currious... if you're willing to share... what's your relationship with him like now... you said that you still talk to him..... I havn't seen the jerk sence it happened... I honestly don't know what I would do.

Well.. it happened when i was 10 and he was 16.. till i left home at 18 i had to deal with him and it was very traumatizing. Now, at 24 almost 25.... i have come to a place in my life where most of the anger and hatred have gone and I can see him and be polite, but I won't place myself in situations where I have to deal with him on a deeper level than that. My other brother is mostly understanding, sometimes i think he feels like he needs to fix the situation. he's always been very protective of me.. my parents are just from a different generation. so most of the time i understand that they do not think in the same way i do... but it can be frustrating..

[Romani Vixen]

wow... you're one strong woman...

[nomadicdragon]

wow... you're one strong woman...


I haven't always been.. I like to think it's the dragon in me.. but i came to the conclusion that everything in life happens for a reason, w hat happened to me made me who i am.. and I would not change that for the world... but it was a hard realization..

[Romani Vixen]

I'm with ya... it's a hard conclution to come to. But it was easier for me. I have Megan because of it (well.... my mom does). And I have been able to talk multiple young teens out of having children!! I wouldn't ask for it again... but it has given me insight and strength that I would never have had.

[nomadicdragon]

I'm with ya... it's a hard conclution to come to. But it was easier for me. I have Megan because of it (well.... my mom does). And I have been able to talk multiple young teens out of having children!! I wouldn't ask for it again... but it has given me insight and strength that I would never have had.

Definitely..

[Akatlarion]

Hey everyone , if anyone wants to talk anytime , let me know :)
Im a little nervous in saying so , but I was raped when I was four years old , and I dealt with alot of molestation and sexual harrassment throughout my childhood , I know what its like and I just thought Id let you know

[Kalika]

:hugz: to all. I don't really feel like talking about the past... :) But, its good to know that there is a place to come if I need to.

And... I'm here for support of those who need a shoulder to lean on.

:huddle:

Kalika

[Kalika]

Well.. it happened when i was 10 and he was 16.. till i left home at 18 i had to deal with him and it was very traumatizing. Now, at 24 almost 25.... i have come to a place in my life where most of the anger and hatred have gone and I can see him and be polite, but I won't place myself in situations where I have to deal with him on a deeper level than that. My other brother is mostly understanding, sometimes i think he feels like he needs to fix the situation. he's always been very protective of me.. my parents are just from a different generation. so most of the time i understand that they do not think in the same way i do... but it can be frustrating..

:hugz:

[nomadicdragon]

:hugz:


:hugz: back.. :)

[Psyche Ague]

I just want everyone to know that I really admire those who have come forward (and the many more who have not). I know I said this in another thread, but I'm constantly amazed by the courage and bravery of everyone who has told their story.

Keep strong, survivors, because you're not alone.

[MoonDust]

I was 11 (or twelve my timing's off on it) and it happened until I was 16. It was my yougest sister's father. Ironically she's like my daughter in many ways. My mom and him never married and their relationship fell apart about a year after I gather enough courage to put a stop to it. I told no one and kept my mouth shut untill just recently -about a year ago. I made my peace with it a long time ago. The only reason I said anything is because he was still hanging around visiting my sister. She was growing up and the slightest chance that he could ever do such a thing to her struck me.
So I told my mom and sisters. We cried, went through hell, and started to heal. He's out of the picture now. That's all that matters.

But talking helps with the healing. I've also noticed that by helping others I help myself heal. If anyone wants to talk please feel free to PM me.

[Romani Vixen]

Ok... group hug...

:huddle: :hugz: :huddle: :hugz: :huddle: :hugz:

[Romani Vixen]

I've found that the more time passes... the easier it is to think about. Perhaps that's time dulling memory... I don't know. But time and talking seem to be the best thing... I'm sure that some specifically directed violence would help... but ...

[spirit wind]

It first hapened to me by my older brother, he used me to practice on. I was 6 & 7
Then at age 12 i was gang raped by 5 boys i went to school with. They got let off with a warning.
Then 2 years ago, i was raped by an intruder in my home. He has pled not guilty and i am awaiting a court date.

My parents don't remember what happened to me when i was little and i don't bring it up. I also don't speak to my older brother anymore.
I am also going to drop the charges, as soon as i know how to, as i am not going through it all again!

Does the anger ever die down?

[nomadicdragon]

It first hapened to me by my older brother, he used me to practice on. I was 6 & 7
Then at age 12 i was gang raped by 5 boys i went to school with. They got let off with a warning.
Then 2 years ago, i was raped by an intruder in my home. He has pled not guilty and i am awaiting a court date.

My parents don't remember what happened to me when i was little and i don't bring it up. I also don't speak to my older brother anymore.
I am also going to drop the charges, as soon as i know how to, as i am not going through it all again!

Does the anger ever die down?


I find that with time I have learned to control it..and after that..slowly it dies down..but it takes time.. a lot of time.. :hugz:

[MoonDust]

Does the anger ever die down?
I don't know.
It dulls some with time. But when I look back and think about a certain situation or a certain time and think about the thing he said and did to such a tiny kid. I get mad no enraged. Not as the adult I am, but for the child that was hurt.

Make sense?

I don't see him any more, but there was a time when I had to face him almost every weekend. That time has passed. I could see him now and act as if nothing happened.


Honestly, my faith had a lot to do with it.

[Dextra]

I refuse to stay in 'victim mentality' because that gives power to the abusers, and if someone tried to come at me today, I'd beat the c**p out of them rather than knuckle under. I will not allow someone to ever treat me like dirt again.



Yes, exactly how I feel. My attacker died a few years ago. And when I got the call from a friend of mine, I laughed. Like a madwoman. And made sure I visited his grave. That helped. I stomped and spit on it for a good 10 minutes. I screamed and cursed and got it all out of my system, since I had the captive audience. And I knew, whereever he was, he heard.

I'm lucky, in a sense, that this man wasn't able to attack anyone else after me. I've been able to resolve everything and move on. So many others have to know their attackers are still out there, or worse yet, in their lives. There are times I wish vigilante justice were legal....but I digress.

[Dextra]

It's interesting you say that because I was the same way. This was my stepfather, who was the only 'father figure' I had all my life. And when I found out that he'd finally died, I was ecstatic. I cried, I was so happy. He made everybody miserable, he treated everyone like dirt (my mother left him for a brief time, got pg. with me, and then went back, so he took his anger at her out on me, even though he is legally my father since he's on the birth certificate)...he was a miserable pathetic excuse for a human being who hated seeing anybody else happy because he couldn't find anything in life to be happy about.

My husband and I went out for coffee that day, and I was sitting there, thinking, "You'll never hurt me again because...guess what!!!!???? You're dead!!!!!!" Almost a nah nah nah nah nah thing.

And yeah, I know how you feel about vigilante justice...there's a case in Washington State here right now that makes my blood boil about a multi-convicted sex offender being released from his life-in-prison sentence in CA because his accuser, a young teenaged boy, killed himself before the trial and the 'poor pervert' couldn't face his accuser in court. He was supposed to move back up here (gack) but promptly gave the cops the wrong address (he is a registered sex offender so is supposed to be where he says he's going to be) and disappeared for a few weeks. They got him, but now they're worried that in those few weeks, he may well have molested other kids. He admitted to molesting over 200 kids and has, I believe, three prior felony convictions.

Anyway...let's just say that this case is one shining example of why I'm leery of 'life in prison' sentences...they don't always work.

Yasmine

Indeed. Unfortunately, my attacker was never convicted because at the time, I was too much in shock to press charges. I just left town and didn't go back there until after he was dead. In hindsight, I should have, because I would have felt a greater sense of justice knowing he had died in prison. Since it was only about 4 years after the incident when he died, I felt like karma was working in my favor.

And no, they don't. The entire justice system is flawed. Violent criminals get released everyday, while those that commit non-violent crimes take up that space for years longer. I could go on about that for days, but I won't.

[Nighthawk]

UH, I do not wish to intrude.. I am a man.. I feel so terrible for these things that happen to girls, boys, women, and some men.... I do not understand what we call 'humanity' I will say, that you all are in my thoughts and prayers. After high school, I had a friend of mine come over many, many times and crawl in bed with me... For she was safe from her father. We were only friends, and she needed to be held. I would do that for her. Peace to you all...

[Dextra]

When I told my mother what had happened---which I didn't until I was in my early 30's, her answer was, "I know you were molested, honey, but it was in another life-time." I hate New Age stuff sometimes, people use it as a copout to avoid what they don't want to deal with. If she 'had' accepted what I said, she then would have used the old "but you wanted it to happen to you since we create our own realities" bullsh*t.

So my abuser was never stopped, and I know I wasn't his first victim, and I don't know if I was his last. My mother knew about me, though...she just didn't want to face it. She was not a strong woman and had been abused a lot in her own childhood.

Yasmine :colorful:

Oh, that is such crap..."but you wanted it to happen to you since we create our own realities"...who CHOOSES for that to happen, honestly? If we create our own realities, I'd be sitting on a tropical island with a margarita right now! :lol:

I never told my mother what happened. She knows something bad happened, but I didn't explain and she never asked. I was living in a different state as my mother, and I had called her up after it happened (when I was able to talk...it took me a couple of days). All I said was "I need to get out of here, come get me," and she showed up. She just told me on the trip back that if I wanted to talk about it, she would listen, but she understood if I didn't. Denial's a family thing, I think. Gets passed along somehow or another. Luckily for me, I wasn't in that state for long before I started dealing with it.

[Tzaolunyin]

I completely understand not reporting a rape by someone you know... ~shivering~ ...but wouldn't it be less of an ordeal to convict a rapist who was an intruder? I don't think the defense can claim it was "consentual" ~shivering again~ if he broke into your house....

[Yasmine Galenorn]

UH, I do not wish to intrude.. I am a man.. I feel so terrible for these things that happen to girls, boys, women, and some men.... I do not understand what we call 'humanity' I will say, that you all are in my thoughts and prayers. After high school, I had a friend of mine come over many, many times and crawl in bed with me... For she was safe from her father. We were only friends, and she needed to be held. I would do that for her. Peace to you all...

Some of the most supportive people in my life have been men, Nighthawk. Thank you, and I don't feel you were intruding. These are public boards, and you offered support. Three good male friends of mine were raped, they know what it's like too, male or female, abuse is abuse.

Hugs,
Yasmine :colorful:

[Nighthawk]

That means much to me...Thank you... *hug*

[Tzhebee]

OK, I'll share, a little. It started when I was 6 years old with my step father. He'd watch me in the shower while he pleasured himself...this lasted 6 years, but never got further than watching me dress or shower, he never touched me and never made me touch him. I remember getting a new bathing suit one summer, it was white. I went swimming and he mentioned to me that perhaps white was not the best color because it was now clear...a couple days later, he's drunk off his ass and tells me "why don't you go put on that new suit of yours?" I freaked out, FINALLY something inside my head snapped. I went out the back door, ran to a friends house and called the cops.

Here's this 12 year old girl crying hysterically telling the cops to come pick her up, but I don't know the address...finally my friends mom takes the phone, tells them she'll call back and brings me into a back room to calm me down. I spilled my guts. She contacted my mom (who was at BINGO)...my mom comes over and what does she say to me? "I'm sorry hunny, I read your diary but thought you were just mad at him so I burnt it"

The bitch knew the whole time and didn't do anything to protect me! I went to CPS to see if they would pull me from my home, they did a routine investigation which lasted all of 5 minutes and determined me to be a liar, and left me there. So, now he knows that my mom knows and doesn't care, he knows that CPS knows and doesn't care...so what happens? It gets worse.

Soon he's crawling into my bed at night, then forcing oral sex, then forcing everything else. I learned early on that fighting back was useless because he'd just choke me to the point of unconciousness. I learned to project myself out of my body until it was over, I remember hiding in the corner and watching myself...

At 19, I got pregnant. Yeah, I had a boyfriend at the time...but I didn't know who's it was. When my step-dad found out, he kicked me square in the stomach and pushed me down a flight of stairs, but I didn't lose the baby. He made up some elaborate story about if the baby wasn't my boyfriends, about how I had a one-night stand with some "unknown" service man who was in town for the weekend.

Thankfully, my daughter is not his, I have the blood test to prove it. My step-dad is clean and sober now, and we've talked about what has happened. And I've forgiven him...I'll never forget, but I have forgiven him.

My mother, on the other hand...still has herself convinced that I was just a rebellous teen and made everything up, and that it all stopped after CPS got involved....I've never told her the whole story...and I just can't find it inside myself to forgive her. Of all the people in the world, *she* was the one who was supposed to protect me...and the f***ing bitch knew...

I did a paper in my college psych class on rape victims and how they cope. I still have that paper, the only one I got an A on.

[nomadicdragon]

It's funny.. my father is not the greatest person when it comes to emotions. And being a pastor his way of dealing with things was for him to have me pray for forgiveness after I told them about what my brother did to me. As an adult I have talked to my paretns and they have stated they were wrong. But at the time it was so devstating for a 16 year old to have to do... ((hugs)) some of the greatest influences in my life have been men. in fact one of the main reasons I have been able t o move on is because of a man who took the time to help me and listen to me...

[Boogins]

UH, I do not wish to intrude.. I am a man.. I feel so terrible for these things that happen to girls, boys, women, and some men.... I do not understand what we call 'humanity' I will say, that you all are in my thoughts and prayers. After high school, I had a friend of mine come over many, many times and crawl in bed with me... For she was safe from her father. We were only friends, and she needed to be held. I would do that for her. Peace to you all...

Everyone's right, NH--abuse is abuse, and for the abused, woman or man, often the best help is found in understanding, caring, and friendship from a member if the opposite sex. I know it well; and so does my sweetie.

And you, Gordon, and one of the most caring and understanding people I know. You didn't intrude. Far from it!

[Yasmine Galenorn]

I learned to project myself out of my body until it was over, I remember hiding in the corner and watching myself...

First, there's not much to say to this except I think it's amazing how some of us make it out of childhood alive...or at least...sane. My stepfather forced oral sex too, when I was about 4 years old. I have a severely strong gag reflex, thanks to that little act. (Not to mention that he used to make me put a handful of pebbles in my mouth and talk with them there until he could understand me, to make sure that I learned how to enunciate correctly. Lovely man. He was abusive in so many ways).

Anyway...the thing about astral projecting. That's why I cannot project at will today! I remember going out of my body, up to the ceiling thinking I was getting away from him when he was touching me, and then I looked down and saw that I hadn't really escaped--and boom, hit my body so fast it made me dizzy. Ever since then--around four or five years old--I've had a hard time going out of body because it felt like so much less control than I had IN my body.

Yasmine :colorful:

[nomadicdragon]

First, there's not much to say to this except I think it's amazing how some of us make it out of childhood alive...or at least...sane. My stepfather forced oral sex too, when I was about 4 years old. I have a severely strong gag reflex, thanks to that little act. (Not to mention that he used to make me put a handful of pebbles in my mouth and try to talk with them there, to make sure that I learned how to enunciate correctly. Lovely man.).

Anyway...the thing about astral projecting. That's why I cannot project at will today! I remember going out of my body, up to the ceiling thinking I was getting away from him when he was touching me, and then I looked down and saw that I hadn't really escaped--and boom, hit my body so fast it made me dizzy. Ever since then--around four or five years old--I've had a hard time going out of body because it felt like so much less control than I had IN my body.

Yasmine :colorful:

I have the same problem with astral projection and meditation..

[Boogins]

I can't meditate, but that's just high speed on my part. I went the other way with astral projection; I am, perhaps, too good at it. I wonder if sometimes I just don't use it as an escape now.

[nomadicdragon]

My escape reflex is pretending everything is all right. I'm very good at it.. good enough that even my psychologist when i was younger could not tell when i was depressed and suicidal because i masked it so well.. ahh the joys of being a missionary kid, you learn how to play happy very early.

[Pesha]

It happened to me a long time ago when I was in the Army. I was coming home from the O Club and two guys grabbed me and dragged me behind some bushes. It was really late, no one was around and so they had at me. I was rapped from behind if you get my drift. Well it has been over 30 years now and I still at times flash back to it. It has influenced how I deal with men, my sex life and other aspects of my life. Sadly we may get counseling and forget about it or try to. I tried to repress it but still........I feel for anyone who has ever had to go through this and wantthem to know it is not their fault they were raped. It was an act of viloence against them by a sad and angry and horrid person. Anyway thanks for the thread and for letting me tell my tale.

BB
DS.

[Boogins]

My escape reflex is pretending everything is all right. I'm very good at it.. good enough that even my psychologist when i was younger could not tell when i was depressed and suicidal because i masked it so well.. ahh the joys of being a missionary kid, you learn how to play happy very early.

Ack, similar to the joys of being manic-depressive. Everybody thinks there's a chemical reason to ALL your reactions. Not.

My episodes happened in high school. I didn't get a boyfriend until I was in grade twelve because of the unending problems with my parents (I've discussed that elsewhere).. and then my parents just adored this kid--to the point where, every Friday, they would shove me out the door for our "date". They had to shove me, because every Friday I was getting raped. I finally managed to cut off the "relationship"--and then my parents started inviting him over! They claimed I was mentally disturbed and didn't know a good thing when I saw it. Gods.

Ironically--and I'm not kidding, this creep's last name was "Willing".

[spirit wind]

I feel for anyone who has ever had to go through this and wantthem to know it is not their fault they were raped. It was an act of viloence against them by a sad and angry and horrid person.But see that's the problem i have now. It's why i don't want to go to court. I feel partly responsible for what happened to me. I was to young with the first two to know how to stop it or fight back etc. But the third time... I was bigger than the guy. Everyone asked me why i didn't fight back. I just couldn't. It felt like it was happening to someone else and i was just sitting there watching. Yes, i said "no" as well as a few other choice words but i didn't do anything to stop it. I feel like it was my fault because i did nothing!!! This guy didn't just break into my house, i let him in! Being a trusting sort of person, i beleived him when he asked to use my phone. I thought nothing of it at the time. If i hadn't of let him in, then this wouldn't have happened.

And Nighthawk, you are most welcome in this thread. Please don't think you are intruding :)

[nomadicdragon]

SW, you are not responsible for what happened to you in anyway.. it does not matter the size of the victim or the perp. Intimidation comes in many forms and there is no excuse for what was done... ((hugs))

[Yasmine Galenorn]

But see that's the problem i have now. It's why i don't want to go to court. I feel partly responsible for what happened to me. I was to young with the first two to know how to stop it or fight back etc. But the third time... I was bigger than the guy. Everyone asked me why i didn't fight back. I just couldn't. It felt like it was happening to someone else and i was just sitting there watching. Yes, i said "no" as well as a few other choice words but i didn't do anything to stop it. I feel like it was my fault because i did nothing!!! This guy didn't just break into my house, i let him in! Being a trusting sort of person, i beleived him when he asked to use my phone. I thought nothing of it at the time. If i hadn't of let him in, then this wouldn't have happened.

And Nighthawk, you are most welcome in this thread. Please don't think you are intruding :)

In the first place, if you say "No" that means NO! That means, I don't want to have sex with you. That means, Don't cross the line. No means no, regardless of whether you let him in your house or not.

(BTW: the best thing to do is to ask the person if they want you to call the police to help them...and if a guy doesn't understand a woman saying "I'm sorry, I don't let strangers in my house" then you don't want him in your house--don't feel guilty about saying No if that happens again, okay?).

If you hadn't let him in, he might have broken in. He might have raped somebody else. You are not responsible for his choice he made to hurt you.

Hon, contact RAINN. You can talk with them, they have toll free numbers and experienced counselors who can help you sort through this: their website is http://www.rainn.org and they are a wonderful organization. Their number is: 1-800-656-HOPE (They are the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network).

You did not invite him in and ask him to have sex with you, so you are not to blame. If you've been abused before, chances are you're going to freeze and be afraid to fight back--it's a common pattern and hard to break.

Hugs,
Yasmine :colorful:

[Pesha]

But see that's the problem i have now. It's why i don't want to go to court. I feel partly responsible for what happened to me. I was to young with the first two to know how to stop it or fight back etc. But the third time... I was bigger than the guy. Everyone asked me why i didn't fight back. I just couldn't. It felt like it was happening to someone else and i was just sitting there watching. Yes, i said "no" as well as a few other choice words but i didn't do anything to stop it. I feel like it was my fault because i did nothing!!! This guy didn't just break into my house, i let him in! Being a trusting sort of person, i beleived him when he asked to use my phone. I thought nothing of it at the time. If i hadn't of let him in, then this wouldn't have happened.

And Nighthawk, you are most welcome in this thread. Please don't think you are intruding :)
Darling you did nothing wrong. People mistakenly think if you did not fight them off it is your fault. What they fail to see is that sometimes our lives are at stake and sadly you may not be able to fight it off in the preservation of your life. Do not let anyone ever tell you it was your fault for not fighting or for letting someone in to the house. No sweetheart you were a victim and were abused by someone. People need to see rape for what it is and that is a crime of violence againt someone. Men included as men have been raped as well. If hindsight were forethought is the old saying but it is incorrect because we really cannot always see what is coming. Dearone I have my arms around you and tell you that I care and see you as a good person who someone hurt badly. NEVER feel it was your fault.......it was not.

BB
DS.

[MoonDust]

I refuse to stay in 'victim mentality' because that gives power to the abusers, and if someone tried to come at me today, I'd beat the c**p out of them rather than knuckle under. I will not allow someone to ever treat me like dirt again.

Yasmine :colorful:yup

[MoonDust]

Indeed. Unfortunately, my attacker was never convicted because at the time, I was too much in shock to press charges. I just left town and didn't go back there until after he was dead. In hindsight, I should have, because I would have felt a greater sense of justice knowing he had died in prison. Since it was only about 4 years after the incident when he died, I felt like karma was working in my favor.

And no, they don't. The entire justice system is flawed. Violent criminals get released everyday, while those that commit non-violent crimes take up that space for years longer. I could go on about that for days, but I won't.
exactly. I admire women who had/have the courage to speak up right away and get these f*ckers arrested. It took me 10 years to say something to my mom and still I don't have the strength to press charges.
I know it's cowardice. I know I should do my duty and get this a-hole off the streets, but I'm being selfish now and honestly, it's my turn. I won't delude myself and think that I'll be the only one he hurts. I just pray to the Goddess that I am.

I’ve managed to move forward for all these years and I’ll continue to do so. I have family who loves and supports me and I’ve managed to heal enough so that I could love and trust a man. I’m doing good in my estimation.

[savannahrose44]

Rape is never an easy thing to discuss, I myself was 11 years old and in the house of a friend when it happend to me. I still have a hard time talking about it. I don't talk to professionals, I don't trust them, I had 3 different people tell me it was my fault. That tends to piss me off.

[lednevir]

I've been raped twice both by men I loved who just did'nt want to give me time to get wet I ask them to wait and eventually screamed stop.I don't know how to deal with it.My pshcologist says to see a hyptotist because noone can deal with what I've been through.(this and many other things)I'm afraid to have parts of my brain blanked out.I went to a hyptotist and had my mind trained to relax when I touch to fingers togeather but I still have sever stress problems

[MoonDust]

Rape is never an easy thing to discuss, I myself was 11 years old and in the house of a friend when it happend to me. I still have a hard time talking about it. I don't talk to professionals, I don't trust them, I had 3 different people tell me it was my fault. That tends to piss me off.
those people are just retarded. I'm sorry if you get offended over that, but they are.
You are the victim It is NOT your fault. Rape (sex without your consent) is NEVER your fault. You chose not to have sex with them you are in every right to say no. if they don't listen then they are the trash that's at fault here not you.

I've never spoken to a "professional" but I talk. I talk to help those who need my help, I talk to the Goddess, and I talk to anyone who asks to hear my story. I have nothing to be ashamed of the nasty f*ck that did it to me does.

And I'll tell you the same. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of he does.
If you want to talk PM me.

[savannahrose44]

I've been raped twice both by men I loved who just did'nt want to give me time to get wet I ask them to wait and eventually screamed stop.I don't know how to deal with it.My pshcologist says to see a hyptotist because noone can deal with what I've been through.(this and many other things)I'm afraid to have parts of my brain blanked out.I went to a hyptotist and had my mind trained to relax when I touch to fingers togeather but I still have sever stress problems

I don't have any words of wisdom other than this. Keep telling yourself this was not my fault, I said no, I will be okay...Don't ever for one minute think that it had anything to do with you. You cannot control the actions of others. I have had great success with self affermations. Every day tell your self...I am....(fill in the blank). It really helps. My heart goes out to you. :hugz:

[MoonDust]

I've been raped twice both by men I loved who just did'nt want to give me time to get wet I ask them to wait and eventually screamed stop.I don't know how to deal with it.My pshcologist says to see a hyptotist because noone can deal with what I've been through.(this and many other things)I'm afraid to have parts of my brain blanked out.I went to a hyptotist and had my mind trained to relax when I touch to fingers togeather but I still have sever stress problems
:hugz:I don't know about having things blocked voluntarilly. I'd never heard of that. I know I have blocked things that were too terrible. But then they came flooding back years later. The pain was imence. I nearly fell to my knees.

But if you'd like to talk I'm here

[nomadicdragon]

I've been raped twice both by men I loved who just did'nt want to give me time to get wet I ask them to wait and eventually screamed stop.I don't know how to deal with it.My pshcologist says to see a hyptotist because noone can deal with what I've been through.(this and many other things)I'm afraid to have parts of my brain blanked out.I went to a hyptotist and had my mind trained to relax when I touch to fingers togeather but I still have sever stress problems


((hugs))

[savannahrose44]

those people are just retarded. I'm sorry if you get offended over that, but they are.
You are the victim It is NOT your fault. Rape (sex without your consent) is NEVER your fault. You chose not to have sex with them you are in every right to say no. if they don't listen then they are the trash that's at fault here not you.

I've never spoken to a "professional" but I talk. I talk to help those who need my help, I talk to the Goddess, and I talk to anyone who asks to hear my story. I have nothing to be ashamed of the nasty f*ck that did it to me does.

And I'll tell you the same. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of he does.
If you want to talk PM me.

Thanks.

[SilverMaiden]

When I first saw this thread I stayed away from it. In replying. Not because I wasn't attacked I was. At the age of 4-6, 13 and 16. I've had my fair share of attacks.

I've dealt with it, but one thing I haven't pushed to the wayside is the anger. That's by choice. To this day I'm pissed and not accepting of the fact that
1.) Men/boys have a code of conduct to prove their manhood that condones rape and sexual abuse of their daughters, sisters, mothers and cousins.
2.) Women support this conduct in their sons, brothers, fathers and cousins.

We women and our daughters are not sub-standard.

We women and our daughters in no way, shape, nor form deserve to be raped, sexually abused nor disrespected for another's ego.

It's time men and women united to actually do something about it. It's out of hand now. Way to far out of hand.

[savannahrose44]

When I first saw this thread I stayed away from it. In replying. Not because I wasn't attacked I was. At the age of 4-6, 13 and 16. I've had my fair share of attacks.

I've dealt with it, but one thing I haven't pushed to the wayside is the anger. That's by choice. To this day I'm pissed and not accepting of the fact that
1.) Men/boys have a code of conduct to prove their manhood that condones rape and sexual abuse of their daughters, sisters, mothers and cousins.
2.) Women support this conduct in their sons, brothers, fathers and cousins.

We women and our daughters are not sub-standard.

We women and our daughters in no way, shape, nor form deserve to be raped, sexually abused nor disrespected for another's ego.

It's time men and women united to actually do something about it. It's out of hand now. Way to far out of hand.

That is not exactly fair now. SOME men have, but then there are others who would love to castrate these a$$holes for us. And I don't know abou the rest of you ladies out there, but no woman I know or am related to supports this kind of conduct. It is inexcusable. :strike:

[Boogins]

I must also repeat that men have been raped too, and sometimes that's by women... even women in those much-herald positions of trust, like motherhood. I know this to be true, just as my boyfriend knows this to be true. 'Nuff said.

[savannahrose44]

I must also repeat that men have been raped too, and sometimes that's by women... even women in those much-herald positions of trust, like motherhood. I know this to be true, just as my boyfriend knows this to be true. 'Nuff said.

This is also very true and kudos to you for pointing it out! :)

[nomadicdragon]

I must also repeat that men have been raped too, and sometimes that's by women... even women in those much-herald positions of trust, like motherhood. I know this to be true, just as my boyfriend knows this to be true. 'Nuff said.


Very true. Both my brothers were victims of abuse at a very young age..

[Boogins]

Thanks to both of you. This isn't something we can ignore, or we are as bad as those who victimized us.

[Yasmine Galenorn]

I must also repeat that men have been raped too, and sometimes that's by women... even women in those much-herald positions of trust, like motherhood. I know this to be true, just as my boyfriend knows this to be true. 'Nuff said.

Yep...and women can be just as bad at abuse as men. Just ask the cops about some of the cases they see.

Yas :colorful:

[Boogins]

We know just what you mean, Yazza. Unfortunately, don't have to ask the cops.

[nomadicdragon]

Yep...and women can be just as bad at abuse as men. Just ask the cops about some of the cases they see.

Yas :colorful:


they are... but you know something that annoys me... it's when people seem to think that just because the abuse is not physical but emotional that it's not abuse. Emotional abuse can be just as bad if not worse then physical or sexual abuse.. It is a personal pet peeve of mine.

[MoonLyte]

It happened to me twice..at 12 and at 17.i guess i've kinda buried it but my depression gets real bad,i'm thinking of going back onto tablets,i'm finding it hard to cope,and feel truly ugly.

[nomadicdragon]

It happened to me twice..at 12 and at 17.i guess i've kinda buried it but my depression gets real bad,i'm thinking of going back onto tablets,i'm finding it hard to cope,and feel truly ugly.


((hugs))

[Boogins]

they are... but you know something that annoys me... it's when people seem to think that just because the abuse is not physical but emotional that it's not abuse. Emotional abuse can be just as bad if not worse then physical or sexual abuse.. It is a personal pet peeve of mine.
You're right!

[Gala]

I'm there too. Getting together with my current boyfriend made all the difference in the world for me, because he was sexually abused when he was 12; I think we helped each other through a lot. Still, it's one thing talking with him, another thing here.

But that doesn't mean I don't appreciate the opportunity. Or the friendship. :hugz: to you all.

I haven't read each and every post yet. I just want to say that I was abused sexually by a very close family member for probably 4 or 5 years. Until I moved away at the start of the 4th grade.
I always had problems getting close to boys, and then men.
My first husband wasn't supportive at all, he even went so far as to say that I made up how it effected me. He never understood when I wasn't able to have sex.
My new husband is totally the opposite. He loves me and knows that I love him and also knows that how much sex I give out, does not equal my love for him.
He is more concerned with quality rather than quanity.
He also had problems growing up. Several strange things happend to him.

So it depends upon your partner as to how you heal and deal with the issues that stem from sexual abuse and rape.

[MoonLyte]

they are... but you know something that annoys me... it's when people seem to think that just because the abuse is not physical but emotional that it's not abuse. Emotional abuse can be just as bad if not worse then physical or sexual abuse.. It is a personal pet peeve of mine.

You're so right!!
I suffered mental abuse from my ex for 3 years while i was with him,and 2 years since we split up,he has totally destroyed my self esteem,my confidence,trust and whole outlook on life.
It's hard work getting it back. :sniffsnif

[Boogins]

But we're all with you, Earthy. You've been a great friend, and I'm so glad you've opened up. :hugz:

[MoonLyte]

But we're all with you, Earthy. You've been a great friend, and I'm so glad you've opened up. :hugz:

:hugz: you have been too,you wouldn't believe how difficult i find it to talk to people.

[nomadicdragon]

You're so right!!
I suffered mental abuse from my ex for 3 years while i was with him,and 2 years since we split up,he has totally destroyed my self esteem,my confidence,trust and whole outlook on life.
It's hard work getting it back. :sniffsnif

:sadeyes: I know wh at you mean.. it was my parents and then my exhusband for me... but I finally reached the conclusion that I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy and if I deserve to be happy then I must be worth something. And if someone doesn't think so.. that is there problem.. I can't conrtol how others feel.. but it's taken several years have climbing up tall hils to arrive at this point and it's still a hard road and sometimes i have minor relapses.. but ((hugs))

[MoonLyte]

Yea,i have many relapses too.but we will overcome. :hugz:

[Boogins]

Relapses... if I'm not around much for a couple of days, sorry. It's funny how much something like this can both help and hinder.

[Pesha]

I have been reading this thread and posting to it and last night in late hours i woke up due to a night mare about my rape. My goodness it was so long ago that it happened and yet still I have the memories, I have tried to repress. I guess this thread brought it all back to me. It was quite a bad drream. I even remembered when I went to the base hospital and tried to report it and how they looked at me and the first Q out of the dr's mouth was.......what did you do to make them think you wanted that kind of sex with you. My goodness I never even knew them they had been drinking saw me and well they took the oppertunity to get some fun from me. I never asked for it. But I sat in bed holding a cryatal to soothe me and got to thinking about so many other woman and men for that matter, who have been raped and then treated like dirt becasue others thought they had asked for it. I saw a trail on tv one night and the girl had been raped and the defense attorny asked her that same horrid Q. No one ever asks for it. Goodness, why do people have to be that way. Why is it that people generally think if you say you were raped, you are just covering up for something. and the defense attornies go out of their way to make you look like a whore or something. Well I finally calmed down and fell back to sleep. But still this day I think and remember it all and just want to weep for anyone wgho has had to face rape no matter the age or gender. Sighs.........

BB
DS.

[nomadicdragon]

I have been reading this thread and posting to it and last night in late hours i woke up due to a night mare about my rape. My goodness it was so long ago that it happened and yet still I have the memories, I have tried to repress. I guess this thread brought it all back to me. It was quite a bad drream. I even remembered when I went to the base hospital and tried to report it and how they looked at me and the first Q out of the dr's mouth was.......what did you do to make them think you wanted that kind of sex with you. My goodness I never even knew them they had been drinking saw me and well they took the oppertunity to get some fun from me. I never asked for it. But I sat in bed holding a cryatal to soothe me and got to thinking about so many other woman and men for that matter, who have been raped and then treated like dirt becasue others thought they had asked for it. I saw a trail on tv one night and the girl had been raped and the defense attorny asked her that same horrid Q. No one ever asks for it. Goodness, why do people have to be that way. Why is it that people generally think if you say you were raped, you are just covering up for something. and the defense attornies go out of their way to make you look like a whore or something. Well I finally calmed down and fell back to sleep. But still this day I think and remember it all and just want to weep for anyone wgho has had to face rape no matter the age or gender. Sighs.........

BB
DS.


((hugs)) i think that somestimes it's easier for others to believe that we did something to bring on the attack. It makes the whole thing somehow less horrible. It makes the perp be it male or female less of a monster if the victim brought it on in some way..

*sigh* I hate that people cannot see past their fears to understand other's pain

[savannahrose44]

It happened to me twice..at 12 and at 17.i guess i've kinda buried it but my depression gets real bad,i'm thinking of going back onto tablets,i'm finding it hard to cope,and feel truly ugly.

Lots of Hugs :hugz:

[savannahrose44]

You're so right!!
I suffered mental abuse from my ex for 3 years while i was with him,and 2 years since we split up,he has totally destroyed my self esteem,my confidence,trust and whole outlook on life.
It's hard work getting it back. :sniffsnif

Mental abuse is the worst. Both my ex's have done it to me and one still is. Both of them know how to get under my skin. This type of abuse can cause massive amounts of damage in a short period of time that takes a lifetime to repair.

[savannahrose44]

My first husband wasn't supportive at all, he even went so far as to say that I made up how it effected me.

GRRRRRRRRR! My ex said something similar to me once that put me in tears. We were talking with a friend of ours who's gf was also raped and he(my ex)used a very foul word that my rapist had called my over and over again while he was doing it. I told him how it made me feel bawling my eyes out the whole time and he says, "so you think you're the only one who has ever been raped. I was raped too you know when I was a boy and you don't see me f#$*ing cryin over word." His friend freaked out on him telling him he was out of line and my ex just said he didn't care. He made me feel so small. Never in my life have I ever wanted to hurt someone so bad as I did at that moment.

[Gala]

I am sorry that he said those things to you. Rape does something different to males though. He probably was trying to show that it didn't "matter" that he was still "manly".
But guys don't come down on me... I am just surmising...

I think I know what word you are talking about .... there are some words and some looks that just make my skin crawl. Even the tone of voice can bring up memories.

With Kevin I rarely think about it. But it seems that lots of stuff my ex did got to me. It could have been that they were both the same sign.. Or just that I had not sufficently gotten over the molestation.???
I don't know.

[Yasmine Galenorn]

Okay, we've pretty much all been attacked and hurt and abused in this thread. What might be a good thing is to ask "What can I do to positively impact my life now, to disempower the effect the abuse had on me?"

What makes you feel strong, what gives you energy to be creative, to be victorious in your life, to feel whole? How do you want to be treated? A lot of times we tend to act out patterns...when abused, it's easy to fall into the victim mentality and let it ride us for years--and it will take some women years to deal with it, no doubt about that.

But if you think about it right now, what can you do--not anybody else but you, yourself--do, that will make you feel stronger, that will reclaim some of that power that gets lost when we're no longer in control and somebody else is doing something against our will?

For myself, I did a lot of rituals "pulling back" my power that I felt I lost to the man who abused me, and the man who raped me, and my abusive ex. I gave a color/form to the power that I felt had been taken from me, and I visualized reclaiming it, calling it back, stripping it out of their hands. That helped me a lot and it was something I could do without having to set up an elaborate circle, though I did do some work in Circle. And after I felt I'd reclaimed energy, I cleansed it thoroughly and took it back inside myself.

I also visualized myself stepping through a doorway in time and confronting my attackers, and I basically beat the s**t out of them psychically and told them if they ever tried it again with me, if they tried to strip my power away again, I'd get them. I noticed a reduction in energy draining away from those old wounds.

And when I was finally ready to move forward, when I felt like I could let it go (though I personally refuse to forgive them--they knew what they were doing and still made the choice to harm/hurt), I visualized myself dropping the load of worry off my back, like a backpack, and walking down a beautiful path, leaving it behind at their feet, leaving them to deal with the pain they inflicted. I decided that since they dished it out, they could clean up the mess themselves.

And lastly, I made the conscious decision that being alone is better than being with the wrong person. That I am strong in myself, and that when other people enter my life, I will only allow those who contribute to my life to be part of it. Reciprocation. I also decided that I would never again compromise myself for anyone on those matters that are vital to my path, my being, my self esteem. Shortly after that, I met Samwise, my current husband, and it's been all good.

We can't ever fully let go of the past, after all, it's made us who we are, but we can walk strong despite what happened to us, and we can make the decision not to allow these perverts to wield any more power over us.

Just a few thoughts...
Yasmine :colorful:

[GEBS]

I don't want to share my story. I'm not ready. But I think it's strange that I saw this today. This morning I was having issues with my memories. Your stories made me cry. Though I'm sorry for your pain, it is comforting knowing I'm not alone in my thoughts and feelings. :(

[MoonDust]

GreenEyes you share whenever you feel you're ready to. :hugz: If you ever feel like talking please consider me as one of those people you can talk to.

Reading over the posts I've missed replying to all I've wanted to do is just give each and every one of us a hug. I am so sorry for the relapses in memory some of you may have had due to this thread, but please instead of a step back see it as a step needed to be taken so that we may heal. Yasmine is so right take your powere back these a-holes don't deserve one shred of it. it's ours.
Heal. Be stronger. Look them stright in the eye and tell them to F*ck off they can't do anything anymore.

[Yasmine Galenorn]

Heal. Be stronger. Look them stright in the eye and tell them to F*ck off they can't do anything anymore.

Exactly!

Yasmine :colorful:

[Gala]

There is nothing wrong with remembering what was done to you. The key is not to let it rule your life. Remembering is what keeps it from happening again or happening to your children or sisters. Tell it. BUT, let it go.

[savannahrose44]

There is nothing wrong with remembering what was done to you. The key is not to let it rule your life. Remembering is what keeps it from happening again or happening to your children or sisters. Tell it. BUT, let it go.

I agree. If you go through life with your head in the sand and pretend that nothing at all happend, you will end up doing more damage in the long run. The way to help keep this from happening to others is to remember and be strong. Share your experiece with others if you feel so inclined to do so, but don't push yourself to do something you are not yet ready to do. I was 11 yrs old when I was raped and it took me to the age of 16 before I even told my mother. I just wasn't ready. It's still hard to talk about, but I'm finding it easier with every telling. I'm not ready just yet to share with all of you, but I hope the time will come when I feel comfortable doing so. :colorful:

[savannahrose44]

I am sorry that he said those things to you. Rape does something different to males though. He probably was trying to show that it didn't "matter" that he was still "manly".
But guys don't come down on me... I am just surmising...

I think I know what word you are talking about .... there are some words and some looks that just make my skin crawl. Even the tone of voice can bring up memories.

With Kevin I rarely think about it. But it seems that lots of stuff my ex did got to me. It could have been that they were both the same sign.. Or just that I had not sufficently gotten over the molestation.???
I don't know.

I don't understand why some people seem to think that all rape experiences are the same, and have the same effect on everyone. In reality it affects each of us in very different ways. Some of us are much stronger than others. In all honesty I have been raped 3 times in my lifetime, and I'm surprised it hasn't driven me mad by now. All I can do is keep going and remember that 1,2,or 3 creeps in this world dosen't mean all men are creeps. I have found my greatest source of strength and comfort in my male friends. :colorful:

[greenview]

Hello im a survivor! I am not afraid and have talked to many on this subject in public and in private. I have been moving past the sexual abuse by my father for more than 20 some odd years now. That and the fact that i move on alone has been the hardest thing i have done to date. I never knew how strong i really was tell i had a divorce handed to me. Then i realized that i could be stronger than i ever thought. You will always remember and that can be painful but you must look inward to see the truth. Denial is the killer in our futures. Set boundries and learn to trust yourself. You are worth love and kindness.
Im so tired of the dirty little secret that no one talks about. The shame. The blame. SEXUAL ABUSE IS ABOUT POWER. TAKE BACK THE POWER! Tonight was the last night of my group for sexual survivors. It was nice for the first time in my life to be in a room of people and actually feel like i belonged and yet still be saddened. I had long past gone thru all the emotions of the other woman in the room but felt better knowing i wasnt alone. I was told i helped others just by being brave enough to talk about myself without shame or fear. Why in our society do the abused feel the need to hide while the sick deprived monsters have the rights to wonder the streets free to blacken the souls of others?

[Kalika]

:hugz:

To all of you who have shared. I know its hard. :huddle:

Since a good way to get past it is to share, I encourage those of you who haven't stepped up on here... to do so. If you don't feel comfortable posting publicly... please PM me, or one of the others here. I'm willing to listen, to help, to share with you what I can. It helps. Though its scarey to talk to someone about it... it always helps in the long run. Talking to someone who has been there.... is often times easier than talking to someone who hasn't.

As for empowerment... one of the things that has helped me cope, is becoming stronger. Training my mind, my body, my spirit... training all 3 together, in such things as martial arts, or even seperately - helps. Making myself stronger, better, smarter.... helped me overcome a lot of the guilt and pain that I dealt with for a long time. Knowing that I would not again be a victim - regardless of who it was.

[MoonDust]

If you haven't seen may I recomend seeing the Vagaina Monologues. Usually on on HBO, but if you get a chance to see the play performed live all the better. These are stories about women who've over come, who've gotten their power back, and who see and value themselves for the strong women they are. It's incredably moving.

[Romani Vixen]

Yasmine, you hit the nail on the head.

I have to live for me. A lot of times I have to force myself.

I also shed the victim mentality years ago. I will never be a victim again. Because one of us will be dead first.

[savannahrose44]

Yasmine, you hit the nail on the head.

I have to live for me. A lot of times I have to force myself.

I also shed the victim mentality years ago. I will never be a victim again. Because one of us will be dead first.

I agree, the if there is a next time, one or the other of us will be dead, and if there is any justice in this universe it will not be me.

[Kyra Kismet]

When I was attacked sexually by boys at my school all I could think was...Why me??
Now I see that I had the easy end of what could have been something alot worse!

[Kalika]

When I was attacked sexually by boys at my school all I could think was...Why me??
Now I see that I had the easy end of what could have been something alot worse!

:hugz:

Even that's not easy hon.

Thanks for being brave enough to post here!

:huddle:

All of you!

[Kalika]

:hugz:

You go sweetie. :D

[Nighthawk]

My god.... THAT is the most awful thing I have ever heard from a real person.. I am shocked and aplled that "humans" do this... I will say that I am sorry, crap.. what else can I say? It will take time for you , obviously... you have adopted family here, my dear one... *hug* NH

[MoonDust]

skye you are not cursed. You are unbelievably strong. I admire you for climbing out of where you were and working towards a better life.
:hugz: I sit here with tears in my eyes wishing I could just give you a hug and tell you what a wonderful person you realy are. These things are the problem not you.

[skye*]

:hugz:

I really feel loved here and appreciate how caring everyone here is!

I havent been here long and already feel like this is home to me:)

I am writing an autobiography about my life and am not even close to being done, but i do however feel like its important to share my life, maybe it will help others cope, or will help teens who want run away rethink there choices about running and how dangerous it is.


Merry Blessings
:colorful:

[MoonDust]

or maybe running towards a safer place?

[Gala]

Skye you have to be one of the stronges people alive to still BE alive after all that.
Never never let anyone take this away from you. No matter what happens to you from now on, you know you are a survivor and you can beat the all.

[Pesha]

Skye, what a love you are. I would love to read your book when it is done. You have gone thru so much and now you are standing stronger and better and I know you will prosper. Many blessings to you.

BB
DS.

[Kalika]

Ditto on the book Skye. :hugz:

[savannahrose44]

I too would love to read your book. I think it's very couragous of you to write it all down and share it with the world. I think it's going to do a lot of good for a lot of girls out there. :)

[skye*]

I Hope Sharing My Story Helped Some Of You:) It Was Hard To Do I Waited For Days To Finally Tell It. Of Corse I Left Things Out, It Would Be Pages To Tell You All Of The Other Things That Have Happened In My Life.

I Hope I Can Finish My Autobiography Within The Next Yr. Although With A Young Child
Isnt Not Easy To Write Alot But I Feel Like Ive Gotten Alot Done And Hope That Someday It Will Be Published. Ill Keep Ya Posted:)

Thank You For Your Support, And Blessings:)

Merry Blessings To All!!

[Smackthecricket]

Im also avaliable to talk to any one who needs someone as well..

[Romani Vixen]

It happened to me twice..at 12 and at 17.i guess i've kinda buried it but my depression gets real bad,i'm thinking of going back onto tablets,i'm finding it hard to cope,and feel truly ugly.
:huddle:

I've found that meditation has helped me with it.

Also, talking... with friends... yes I have a child. she's 12. Oh, me? 25. ... Yes... I had a child when I was 14... It was rape. ***silence***. But she's MY baby!!!! Some beauty can come out of the most horrible things... though I would never, ever, wish it on anyone.

That's why I started this thread... talking can be wonderfully therapeutic!!!

Why don't you type something out. An essay. I did one for a class in HS. Helped me loads... really... You don't need to post it,,, but you can. If it's graphic, just warn everyone big and bold at the top of the graphic nature.

:huddle:

[Romani Vixen]

You're so right!!
I suffered mental abuse from my ex for 3 years while i was with him,and 2 years since we split up,he has totally destroyed my self esteem,my confidence,trust and whole outlook on life.
It's hard work getting it back. :sniffsnif
You know, I have this feeling that your ex is a moron!!! :)

remember that.... you're so much better than he wanted to make you feel. Don't let him win....

[Romani Vixen]

:sadeyes: I know wh at you mean.. it was my parents and then my exhusband for me... but I finally reached the conclusion that I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy and if I deserve to be happy then I must be worth something. And if someone doesn't think so.. that is there problem.. I can't conrtol how others feel.. but it's taken several years have climbing up tall hils to arrive at this point and it's still a hard road and sometimes i have minor relapses.. but ((hugs))
I'm glad to hear that you climbed out of that hole... even if it's slippery!!!

[Romani Vixen]

I have been reading this thread and posting to it and last night in late hours i woke up due to a night mare about my rape. My goodness it was so long ago that it happened and yet still I have the memories, I have tried to repress. I guess this thread brought it all back to me. It was quite a bad drream.

<snip by RV>

BB
DS.
I'm so sorry to hear about the dream. you know... all those people.... know that they will recieve what they've dished out. All of 'em. Karma... she's a ..... :)

[Romani Vixen]

I don't visualize... as much as see... myself standing around outside... who knows where... he walks up to me and tries to put his hand on my shoulder. I turn into a tiger. Full sized Bengal. And I eat him. I then see myself lying on the ground, naked, with blood on my mouth. And a streak of black running through my red hair.

Tiger is my protector animal. They've in this way helped me conquor the inner demon. They've eaten it.

[WiccanFae]

((((((Hugs))))) I too add my name to this list, although I can do so not with shame, but almost with a sense of duty, and as weird at it sounds, pride. Not that this happened to me, but that I am still here, although a little worse for wear. I survived, and to me that means a lot. As for the sense of duty part, I think that rape and abuse are issues that are ignored far too often, but if enough of us yell "It happened to me!" then they can't ignore all of us. And I know that for me, one of the best things that someone could do was show me that I am not alone.

My story is too long and graphic to post, so I will leave it out. But if anyone wants to talk I am here. E-mail is open to anyone, as is my PM.

[savannahrose44]

((((((Hugs))))) I too add my name to this list, although I can do so not with shame, but almost with a sense of duty, and as weird at it sounds, pride. Not that this happened to me, but that I am still here, although a little worse for wear. I survived, and to me that means a lot. As for the sense of duty part, I think that rape and abuse are issues that are ignored far too often, but if enough of us yell "It happened to me!" then they can't ignore all of us. And I know that for me, one of the best things that someone could do was show me that I am not alone.

My story is too long and graphic to post, so I will leave it out. But if anyone wants to talk I am here. E-mail is open to anyone, as is my PM.

:hugz:

[nomadicdragon]

I'm glad to hear that you climbed out of that hole... even if it's slippery!!!


It's a tough road.. but you have to do it. I will be happy. :)

[savannahrose44]

It's a tough road.. but you have to do it. I will be happy. :)

:hugz:

[Kalika]

I don't visualize... as much as see... myself standing around outside... who knows where... he walks up to me and tries to put his hand on my shoulder. I turn into a tiger. Full sized Bengal. And I eat him. I then see myself lying on the ground, naked, with blood on my mouth. And a streak of black running through my red hair.

Tiger is my protector animal. They've in this way helped me conquor the inner demon. They've eaten it.
Excellent visual. :p

You know, I think it would neat to make a book, or a flyer, composed of different womens' stories and coping methods... easy to read, easy to follow sort of thing. Even a thread such as that. So maybe those who DIDN'T feel comfortable coming out and talking about it, or asking what to do... could read it and learn... ya know?

[Kalika]

It's a tough road.. but you have to do it. I will be happy. :)

:hugz:

[GypsyGirl]

:hugz: to all here.
i feel like i should add my own story in here, though i'm not sure where to start. i suffered some abuse from a boy back when i was 17. that led to stalking, threats, and eventually a restraining order. i remember it happened right when i was starting to work my way through a 3-year depression. that threw me right back in.
3 years later, i moved out to california. and maybe it was being so far away from home, or maybe just growing up, i realized i was okay. it was january 2002 where i realized i had a choice between being happy and being sad... because when i looked back on pretty much my entire teenage years, it seemed like there was this little black rain cloud.
when my girlfriend and i moved from san jose to where we are now, august 2002, i had a male friend from work help us out, along with some of her friends. wouldn't you know, exactly one week later... he raped me. on my couch.
that was tough. i'm so proud of myself, though... it happened on a thursday. i confronted him at work that next monday. i may not have reported it, i may not have even really spoken about it (i didn't tell my girlfriend until march 2003.)... i let myself feel bad about it for about a day. and then i told myself that it happened, yes, but i can't let it ruin me. that i couldn't go back to that sad girl that i was for so many years.
sometimes it bothers me. not so often, but sometimes. i still see him at work everyday. it was very strange to see his girlfriend and their newborn baby. i hope to goddess that the boy doesn't end up like him.
istill have issues with sexual-ness. i think some stem from that and some from the fact that pretty much anything remotely sexual was never spoken about in my house growing up. to this day, i will not speak about sexuality or anything with my parents, even at 23 years old. it's just... no. it just doesn't feel right.
i think i'm rambling now. but it feels good to talk about it. i know that i could've done things differently, but... what can i say? as hard ofa lesson as things have been, i have to believe that everything happens for a reason, even if we can't see it at the time.

--kristen

[nomadicdragon]

:hugz: to all here.
i feel like i should add my own story in here, though i'm not sure where to start. i suffered some abuse from a boy back when i was 17. that led to stalking, threats, and eventually a restraining order. i remember it happened right when i was starting to work my way through a 3-year depression. that threw me right back in.
3 years later, i moved out to california. and maybe it was being so far away from home, or maybe just growing up, i realized i was okay. it was january 2002 where i realized i had a choice between being happy and being sad... because when i looked back on pretty much my entire teenage years, it seemed like there was this little black rain cloud.
when my girlfriend and i moved from san jose to where we are now, august 2002, i had a male friend from work help us out, along with some of her friends. wouldn't you know, exactly one week later... he raped me. on my couch.
that was tough. i'm so proud of myself, though... it happened on a thursday. i confronted him at work that next monday. i may not have reported it, i may not have even really spoken about it (i didn't tell my girlfriend until march 2003.)... i let myself feel bad about it for about a day. and then i told myself that it happened, yes, but i can't let it ruin me. that i couldn't go back to that sad girl that i was for so many years.
sometimes it bothers me. not so often, but sometimes. i still see him at work everyday. it was very strange to see his girlfriend and their newborn baby. i hope to goddess that the boy doesn't end up like him.
istill have issues with sexual-ness. i think some stem from that and some from the fact that pretty much anything remotely sexual was never spoken about in my house growing up. to this day, i will not speak about sexuality or anything with my parents, even at 23 years old. it's just... no. it just doesn't feel right.
i think i'm rambling now. but it feels good to talk about it. i know that i could've done things differently, but... what can i say? as hard ofa lesson as things have been, i have to believe that everything happens for a reason, even if we can't see it at the time.

--kristen

I agree with you.. I've had friends ask if I would erase all the bad stuff from my life.. but even thought it was traumatic and horrible.. I must say that I would still go through it if only becaues it makes me who I am.. and it gives me more perspective to be able to help others and perhaps help others get help ... something that I never did..

Nomad

[Yasmine Galenorn]

I agree with you.. I've had friends ask if I would erase all the bad stuff from my life.. but even thought it was traumatic and horrible.. I must say that I would still go through it if only becaues it makes me who I am.. and it gives me more perspective to be able to help others and perhaps help others get help ... something that I never did..

Nomad

Well said, and exactly the way I feel.

Yasmine :colorful:

[Pesha]

I cannot rase the bad from my life, becasue it has shaped me in many ways. Even my rape. I think we have to try and go forward and let the memories lie dormant if they can. But change my life....nope.

BB
DS.

[savannahrose44]

:hugz: to all here.
i feel like i should add my own story in here, though i'm not sure where to start. i suffered some abuse from a boy back when i was 17. that led to stalking, threats, and eventually a restraining order. i remember it happened right when i was starting to work my way through a 3-year depression. that threw me right back in.
3 years later, i moved out to california. and maybe it was being so far away from home, or maybe just growing up, i realized i was okay. it was january 2002 where i realized i had a choice between being happy and being sad... because when i looked back on pretty much my entire teenage years, it seemed like there was this little black rain cloud.
when my girlfriend and i moved from san jose to where we are now, august 2002, i had a male friend from work help us out, along with some of her friends. wouldn't you know, exactly one week later... he raped me. on my couch.
that was tough. i'm so proud of myself, though... it happened on a thursday. i confronted him at work that next monday. i may not have reported it, i may not have even really spoken about it (i didn't tell my girlfriend until march 2003.)... i let myself feel bad about it for about a day. and then i told myself that it happened, yes, but i can't let it ruin me. that i couldn't go back to that sad girl that i was for so many years.
sometimes it bothers me. not so often, but sometimes. i still see him at work everyday. it was very strange to see his girlfriend and their newborn baby. i hope to goddess that the boy doesn't end up like him.
istill have issues with sexual-ness. i think some stem from that and some from the fact that pretty much anything remotely sexual was never spoken about in my house growing up. to this day, i will not speak about sexuality or anything with my parents, even at 23 years old. it's just... no. it just doesn't feel right.
i think i'm rambling now. but it feels good to talk about it. i know that i could've done things differently, but... what can i say? as hard ofa lesson as things have been, i have to believe that everything happens for a reason, even if we can't see it at the time.

--kristen

Wow what an incredable story... I only wish I could have been that strong. :hugz:

[blueiris]

I've never been sexually abused or raped or anything but I have been reading this thread and I just want to say I am amazed by how strong you all are to have survived through those horrible experiences. You provide inspiration for anyone who is going through such a terrible thing.

[nomadicdragon]

I was thinking about this today.. do you ever find you have days where you have these weird side affects to what happened...

Like.. not brushing your teeth.. or not eating.. or obsessively showering or not... not eating or eating too much..

[Yasmine Galenorn]

I was thinking about this today.. do you ever find you have days where you have these weird side affects to what happened...

Like.. not brushing your teeth.. or not eating.. or obsessively showering or not... not eating or eating too much..

Oh yeah, babe. Sure do. For me, it's more anger and O/C needing the house to be ordered and clean...sometimes I'll listen to really wired music to get the emotions out--high energy, hard percussion rock/grunge/techno...it's like the music helps me work through the emotions. When I hear stories of abused kids, it *really* sets me off bad...all I can say is that I'd better never catch anybody molesting a kid because there won't be enough left to mop the floor with. I remember too much what it was like.

*hugs*
Yazza :colorful:

[nomadicdragon]

Oh yeah, babe. Sure do. For me, it's more anger and O/C needing the house to be ordered and clean...sometimes I'll listen to really wired music to get the emotions out--high energy, hard percussion rock/grunge/techno...it's like the music helps me work through the emotions. When I hear stories of abused kids, it *really* sets me off bad...all I can say is that I'd better never catch anybody molesting a kid because there won't be enough left to mop the floor with. I remember too much what it was like.

*hugs*
Yazza :colorful:


Yeah I definitely agree.. it's weird how little things stay with you.

[Romani Vixen]

I was thinking about this today.. do you ever find you have days where you have these weird side affects to what happened...

Like.. not brushing your teeth.. or not eating.. or obsessively showering or not... not eating or eating too much..I'm now a rather sexual creature... and I'm in charge. Period. If I don't even feel that I'm in control (if I'm acting sub. or dom.) I'll go into a flash-back... and that's bad. Odly, it's happened with every man that I've been with, within the first few times of .... "having my way" with him...

[Yasmine Galenorn]

I'm now a rather sexual creature... and I'm in charge. Period. If I don't even feel that I'm in control (even if I'm acting sub.) I'll go into a flash-back... and that's bad.

I, too, went the more sexually-oriented direction rather than pulling back into myself, if that makes sense. I can play sub but only with one I absolutely trust, and my husband is the only person I feel even that close too. I haven't had a flashback in a long time...but they were bad...

Yasmine :colorful:

[Romani Vixen]

I do have moderate PTSD from my experiences. A friend with it, severe, from being in a war (stationed in Somalia) was taught to use sex as a release by some of the S.F. guys... it works... at least for me.

[nomadicdragon]

I, too, went the more sexually-oriented direction rather than pulling back into myself, if that makes sense. I can play sub but only with one I absolutely trust, and my husband is the only person I feel even that close too. I haven't had a flashback in a long time...but they were bad...

Yasmine :colorful:


I think to me it went more physical... After it happened I didn't brush my teeth for like 3 years.. i'm paying for that now as an adult of course..

[celticfire]

i reach out to all of you who have suffered this horror. {HUGS} i was molested for years by my stepfather as a child...and i still carry the scars on my heart and soul. how others heal, i wish i knew...

bb

[Romani Vixen]

(((((((celtic fire)))))

[Grey]

To many of my little sisters have gone through this... and most of them before I knew them, so very young that I feel ashamed that it could be done. My own bad experiances in this area aside, I have never understood how this could be done, or why. *shakes head* my prayers tonight go out to all of you, and I you wish a long and happier life.

[GypsyGirl]

it's frustrating for me. some days i feel very sexual, other days i can't stand to be touched. and i know that alli would never hurt me, but just sometimes... i don't know. it just doesn't feel right to be touched, even though i know that i'm a good person and completely worthy of feeling sexy. and like i said, sometimes i'm fine. but then there'll be times where it'll be a month to two months where i'm just so not into the sex thing. any ideas on how to work through this?

[Lady Andais]

it's frustrating for me. some days i feel very sexual, other days i can't stand to be touched. and i know that alli would never hurt me, but just sometimes... i don't know. it just doesn't feel right to be touched, even though i know that i'm a good person and completely worthy of feeling sexy. and like i said, sometimes i'm fine. but then there'll be times where it'll be a month to two months where i'm just so not into the sex thing. any ideas on how to work through this?

I went though this after each of my rapes. The first was when i was 14 almost 15 and i was almost killed...should have been killed by this boy who was 16 and the boyfriend of the time. I went over there after i found out a friend of mine had died. That is when i met the Morrigan and somehow got away. This one messed me up really badly. I couldn't stand to be touched and killed off my emotions other than sorrow and anger. Time is what got me past this and friends who i could talk to.

At age 16 came the second one. I hate to say this but the second one was a cake walk compared to the first. The physical scars weren't nearly as many and so i healed fairly quickly from this one by telling myself it wasn't that bad. I did lose my fiance over this though because he believed it to be cheating. That is what did the emotional scaring from that one.

The third at age 17 i didn't really deal with but let it wash away from my memory after i threw many glasses at walls and moved straight away from the man. He was my boyfriend of a year. We had broken up and then tried to get back together. He couldn't see that it wasn't the same and even though i said "no" he kept going. This one i didn't fight which is why it bothered me so much for so very long. I was so dumbfounded on how this normally nice guy could do something like this i was shocked still. He was over 3 times my little size of 86lbs and i had just gotten over Mono and so i honestly didn't have the strength to fight a battle i knew i couldn't win. i took it and left without ever looking back.

At age 18 was the last one and this one ****ed me up bad. My uncle got me trapped up in the air at 3600 feet in his private plane. I was forced to fly to plane due to bad weather and so wasn't able to fight him off nearly as well as i would have normally been able. I managed to find my way back to the airport and he snapped out of it for a while long enough to land the plane. We taxied to the hanger and this shit started all over again. At least this time i was able to fight. I'm too small to open the latches for the door and so i got to fight my ass off to keep this man off of me. Finally after he noticed that he was missing a very large chunck out of the muscle by his thumb due to my teeth he got tired of the games. He unlatched the doors and i realized i had my keys locked in the hanger. I had to wait for this man to put away the damned plane before i could even get them. I finally got my keys and have the chance to leave and when i'm getting into my car i hear him say "What's your problem it's not like we are blood" he is married to my mother's sister. That sentence has haunted me to this day.

For months after this last one i was very suicidal and had done SI numerous times. I couldn't be touched for months. Finally with many many long nights and hours i have worked out most of my glitches from these past events. I've come to believe that i have finally dealt with my inner deamons. Yeah every now and again i go back to the glitches and have my bad days but for the most part i am past these events.

The only advise i have for those who have glitches like you can't be touched in certain area's is to find some one whom you deeply trust work with you on these. I for years couldn't have both wrists held with one hand. I had my best friend do this to me time and time again until slowly the reaction grew less and less. Now i don't freak out.

I am 20 years old and will be 21 in August and that is a glimpse of what was my own private hell. I'm amazed every day how far i have come without any professional help at all. I do everything the hard way but in my eyes i am that much stronger because of it and i have alot to be proud of.

Wanders off wondering what others will think about this.

[MoonDust]

Also, talking... with friends... yes I have a child. she's 12. Oh, me? 25. ... Yes... I had a child when I was 14... It was rape. ***silence***. But she's MY baby!!!! Some beauty can come out of the most horrible things... though I would never, ever, wish it on anyone.
good for you for seeing your baby as a gift! Recently my mother and I talked again about what had happened to me. I waited years before I told. My mother and I are just getting to where we can talk to eachother about it. She's blaming herself for what happened. Just like I blamed myself for a while. I'll tell you and everyone else what I told my mom:
Our lives is ours to live. Those people we came across are evil stupid people. We did not chose to come across them, but it is up to us if we decide to let them take over the rest of our lives.

That's why I started this thread... talking can be wonderfully therapeutic!!!
Yes!!
I don't visualize... as much as see... myself standing around outside... who knows where... he walks up to me and tries to put his hand on my shoulder. I turn into a tiger. Full sized Bengal. And I eat him. I then see myself lying on the ground, naked, with blood on my mouth. And a streak of black running through my red hair.

Tiger is my protector animal. They've in this way helped me conquor the inner demon. They've eaten it.
:hugz:


Wiccan Fae, GypsyGirl, & everyone else that's posted :hugz:
I know i haven't been in here for a while. But please know that you're all still in my heart and thoughts. I'm just so proud of us. We've survived, we've triumphed, and in the end we will win -not them. Never them. We're too strong.

As far as the sexuality part. With me I did several textbook things. I ate. I ate and ate in hoes that my larger frame would repel men. My large frame served as a man repelent and as armor. Try tackling a 200+ girl who's become obsesed with lifting wieghts and building muscle under that fat. At least that's how I saw it.
One day I shocked me and everyone else when I cracked the car windshield while having my feet rest on it and just stretching my legs.
And all the while I'm flirting and manipulating men with what I've hated most of all -sex.

One day I just woke up. I don't know what it was... time? talking to others? learning about me? I don't know for sure, but one day I said screw all this. I'm going to be me. I'm going to enjoy my life and I'm not going to be victimized anymore. I'm going to stop dealing with guys I don't want to deal with. I'm going to learn how to handle dirty pervs that lear. I'm going to LIVE MY LIFE.

As soon as I started being true to myself I learned to deal with guys. All of a sudden good guys were around me. The a-holes were gone I never spared them a second glance.
I met a guy I liked. As time passed I realized I trusted him. Me. I trusted a man. More time passed and I realized I loved this guy. And this guy loved me right back. Not only that he respected me.
And when we had sex -no when we made love for the first time it was my first time. The real one. The one that I would aways remember and treasure. I can be with him and not be ashamed of my body. I look at hos face when he looks at me and all I see is love.

I look at myself working, going to school, getting my life back together and I'm just so proud of myself.

Just like I'm proud of all of you.

[rain_fallen_tears]

I'm so sorry you've suffered such terrible experiances...I wish there was something I could do to help...I haven't ever fell under such abuse...which I'm thankful for, I only wish you who have been mistreated(the biggest understatement of all time by the way...) didn't have to carry that burden...I'm here for anyone who needs to talk or just a hug. :hugz:

[GypsyGirl]

Our lives is ours to live. Those people we came across are evil stupid people. We did not chose to come across them, but it is up to us if we decide to let them take over the rest of our lives.


*applause*
i'm going to think about that, particularly the last line, on my walk tonight.
i know that i can't let him take away all that's good. and i refuse to close myself off to the world again, because then i lose out on the good stuff, too.

i feel incredibly strong right now. thank you for posting that :hugz:

[celticfire]

yes moondust...thank you for those words...and those of romani vixen as well. i've felt completely alone all my life about this and i see now that i'm not.

bb

[savannahrose44]

I have always had severe nightmares due to my past experiences...until recently I made a dreamcatcher to hang above my bed. It really helps. :colorful:

[MoonDust]

what a great idea!

[savannahrose44]

Okay here it goes. This is not easy for me. I hope you all don't mind if I go into detail, but I feel like I need to get this off my chest. If you don't want to read it please dont

I have had a history of sexual abuse in my life starting at age 3. We lived in Alaska while my dad was working on the pipeline. I have very few memories from that age, and the ones I do have are not pleasant. I suffered nightmares all my life due to this. I would dream that someone would come into my room in the middle of the night with a flashlight and pull back the covers. I could never see his face, but I remember him touching me. It was not until recently that I learned it was my father. My sister in Texas shared what he hed done to her when she was little and it was the same story creeping into her room at night and molesting her. It took everything I had in me to keep from wanting to kill him when I found out. He was only blocks away. I was also molested by my foster brother when I was 3 in Alaska.

When I was 11 years old I went to spen the night at a friends house. She was an older woman in the mormon church. Her kids were all grown and she lived alone, so I would go and spend the weekend with her on occasion. That year it was just before thanksgiving and her son and 8 yr old gd(I will not use names) came to visit. At bed time her gd told me that she was scared and wanted me to come and sleep with her. She and her father were in the basement which could only be accessed through the rear of the house outside. I caved in and went downstairs with her. She and I took the hide a bed and her dad another at first. About the time I started to doze off I heard a bottle smash against the wall. Being raised in a mormon family I had never been around someone who had been drinking and did not recognize the fact that he was drunk. I froze like a scared rabbit. I couldn't move I couldn't scream. He picked up some rope that was on the floor and said "if you fight me I'll kill you." He came after me and his daughter jumped on his back and starte pounding on his head with her fists. She screamed "no daddy not her!" I watched him fling her off his back and backhand her so hard her eyes rolled into the back of her head before it hit the wall and she was rendered unconscious for the rest of the night. He came after me again. I tried to get away, but I couldn't move fast enough. He grabbed me and tied me down to the bed spread eagle. I can sometimes still smell the alcohol on his breath. He took a piece of the broken bottle and cut me inside with it. Then he raped me. The pain was so intense I passed out in the middle of it. When I woke he had passed out on top of me. I tried to free my hands and couldn't. This woke him up and he raped me a second time. I managed to get a peice of the broken bottle in my hand and worked on cutting through the ropes. When I was finally free I ran outside in the dark to the front of the house and sat on the front steps and cried. A nieghbor heard me and called the house to wake up the gm to let me in. She had not heard what was going on downstairs because she was on seizure medication and couldn't wake up. He finally got her to answer the phone and she let me in. I ran to the bathroom locked myself in and cleaned up as best I could. I spent the night in the bathroom sitting in the tub. I didn't tell anyone what had happend. I wore long sleeves to hide the bruises, and took some demorol pills I stole from the gm's medicine cabinet for the pain. I went to see a rape councelor through a friend and gave them a fake name so they couldn't contact my family. I was told that it was my fault because I put myself in the situation in the first place. So I turned to the mormon church for help. After all I had been raised to beleive it was a safe place I could turn to. Once again I was told it was my fault that I put myself in the situation, I was a sinner and if I didn't repent I was going to hell. You can imagine what that did to me. I still have guilt feelings over this for the little girl. I knew what was going on and I didn't say anything. I could have put a stop to the abuse I know she must have been going through and I didn't. That is something I have to live with.

When I went to college I met a guy who was also pagan and we hit it off. He knew my background. I was with him for almost a year when he one night revealed to me that it had always been a fantasy of his to rape a woman. When I told him there was not way in hell I was ever going to take part in it, he decided he didn't need my permission and tied me down and raped me. I screamed but there was no one to hear. We were out in the middle of nowhere at his house in the country. His friend showed up when he had finished with me and it was at that point he decieded it would be even more of a turn on to watch someone else rape me. His friend however made the mistake of freeing my hands and feet before he started. I grabbed my bf's athame off of his altar and stabbed him in the arm with it. Not where I was intending to hit believe me. This only pissed him off and he threw the back of my head back against the wall so hard I blacked out. When I woke up my bf had driven his friend to the hospital. I went and climbed into the shower and sat there crying until the water ran cold. This was the second time in my life I was raped and didn't say anything. It set me back years. I had horrible nightmares and waking terrors. It took 2 yrs before I would let a man near me again. My last bf was a great source of support to me. However, we did break up as we are not right for eachother. Also he understood only so far. He too suffered sexual abuse as a child and couldn't understand why I let it get to me. We remain friends to this day.

I am much stronger now. Through a lot of therepy and a lot of love I have emerged from this a survivor, not just a survivor a miracle. I don't know how I lived through all of this and kept my sanity. It would have been enough to kill most people. I can promise you this will not happen again. If there is a next time one or the other of us will be dead.

At 16 I had decided to leave the mormon church for good. It took me years to undo the damage they caused. I had been brainwashed by them since the day I was born. The day I turned 18 I left and never looked back. I had been secretly studying different religons scine I was 16. I finally decided this fit me best. I have not yet found my path, but I feel an incredable sence of love and freedom I never had before. I have found myself through my magical studies and I have felt the comforting arms of the powers of the universe embrace me. I have found a new sence of self and a great source of comfort through my spirit guides. Thank you all for listening.

I encourage anyone who can to share your story. This has been a wonderful release for me. :hugz:

[Tzhebee]

Oh SavannahRose.... :hugz: Believe me, I know how difficult and yet releasing sharing a story like that can be!!!

You are such a wonderfully strong woman! I hope you realize that nothing that happened to you was your fault and that you could not have done anything more than you did to protect yourself! :hugz:

[Nighthawk]

Ummm, SR, that is awful... I am so sorry... and you will be okay...

[Tea Leaf]

Savannahrose44,
I’m so sorry! Reading your message brought me to tears, I can’t come close to imaging what it is like for you.
You are so much stronger and better then the men you spoke of.
*Hugs* If you ever need anything please PM me, I’ll be there for you.

[Boogins]

SR... :hugz: You are one impressive lady.

[nomadicdragon]

So today was one of "those" days for me. What are one of "those" days? Well, that would be
a day where the events of my life actually weigh heavily on my shoulders. Yes, I should have
gotten the "help" that I needed, but really, when you can convince psychiatrist's that you are
ok at the age of 19.. what's the point of going in the first place? One of the most suicidal
times of my life, and I convinced the good doc. that I was fine. I should be an actress, or
a politician. *sigh* I'm mostly happy these days, or at least ok. Today, I'm not ok. It's days
like this that I want to cry, but I say everything's ok instead. It's just easier. How do you explain
that every once in a while something that happened fifteen years ago bothers me...
Of course, it could also be the fact that we're coming up on a year since Tommy left me.. or
I kicked him out whichever way you want to view it. That's a little depressing. Giving almost
three years of your life to someone, and having them say, sorry I don't like the way you talk and
the way you express your emotions. So change, if you love me you will. Uhm no, if you love me,
you wouldn't be asking me.
You know, it's the anger that scares me. Just pure, unadulterated rage.. it's like in you and you have
to hit something.. Normally in my case the nearest wall... but it's pointless, because it doesn't
change anything. I hate blood so I'd never cut myself, tried once and just ended up stabbing myself,
then fainting.. lol.. So I keep it inside until it goes away, and I get headaches and my stomache hurts
and then in a day or two it goes away... for another couple of months. I guess time does make things
go away.. Because every time it's been a little longer than the last, and each time it's a little shorter.
But it's also been 15 years. 15 years of my life and three versions of myself.. who I was the ten
years before it happened. Who I was the first 12 years after it happened and who I am now.. three
years with some semblance of healing.



"Breathe" Melis