life really #%&! sometimes...

[abbyseyes]

I'm so angry and hurt. I've known for awhile, but hubby finally fessed up last week to sleeping with someone else. We've been having problems for sometime but nothing I thought we couldn't work through...until now. I could have forgiven him just about anything in the world. I didn't come here to argue the merits of fidelity or lack thereof, everyone has their own beliefs on this subject -and I respect that. My beliefs pertaining to this subject can be summed up like this: If I were threatened with death -cheat on your partner and live or don't cheat and face a firing squad - I wouldn't hesitate even a second before facing death. Part of me wants to go drag this b%$&# out of her house and rearrange her body parts, the bigger part of me is so devestated by this I feel like I can't breathe. And to top it off, less than a year ago, I actually referred to the person he slept, (a "friend") as "restores my faith in humanity." I just don't understand how someone can waltz in and destroy lives and waltz out without a single feeling of guilt. I can't tell you how many hours I've spent trying to come up with a spell for revenge that would be bad for her but 3 times better for me. Did she even stop to think of the family she destroyed - 3 stepchildren now will see their dad go through a painful divorce, not to mention the effect on them to lose a stepmother. This just sucks -for everyone except the person who deserves it -her! I'm not saying it's not just as much my husband's fault, but she knew he was emotionally vulnerable -and instead of being the "friend" she claims to be, she took advantage of the whole situation. Hubby's in our room, asleep right now -I want to go in there and snuggle up and say we'll get through this. But I can't. I love him so much but I can't get over this. I don't really expect any answering posts to this thread. I just needed to vent a little, otherwise it starts to feel like I'm drowning.

[Xois]

oh I am so sorry you are hurting right now

*hug*

[Faery-Wings]

That is horrible news :(

I am so sorry that you are going through this.
HUGS~~~


Chris

[tigger759]

No one can say they know. But about 2 years ago i walked in on my hubby with a friend! Okay it wasn't what i thought i'd see but my kids were in the room next door asleep. That is wrong!! Hubby and i have gotten through it but at times and you know when we argue it comes up.
We did the counsling thing!! it was okay! But years later things arent'like they are!!
So good luck!! and really make sure you can't work through it!!
IF you want to talk we're here!!

[Dria El]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I do understand. My ex-husband did the same thing.

But...

There's one thing you need to remember. He made the commitment to you, not her. I'm in NO WAY excusing her actions but he IS an adult and should be held FULLY responsible for his actions.

Just a thought...

[reanna]

:(:(:(
I am so truly sorry that you are going through this. :(
Many((((hugs)))) to you and please know that you have many friends here and we are all very good listeners.


Much peace sent your way.

[gunner]

"he IS an adult and should be held FULLY responsible for his actions.

Just a thought..."

and a good one dria, it's seldom, if ever, solely the fault of "the other woman/man in this situation. "the woman tempted me and i did..." is the oldest cop-out in the book. i do have a suggestion abbyseyes, just now you're (justifiably) angry, hurt and feeling betrayed. i don't belittle those feelings, i went through them many years ago with a woman before i met my wife. but i also hear you saying you do still love him and part of you wants to keep on doing so. might i suggest you both try finding a counsellor before going to a lawyer. if this was a one time thing not a pattern of repeated "affairs" there might be a chance to salvage it if you want to and think it's worth salvaging.

[slvr_phoenix]

I have to agree with gunner.

It's a horrible thing to have to go through. And it takes two to tango and all, so it is at least half his fault.

But if you still love one another, maybe you should try to save the marriage. Love doesn't usually come along often. Maybe you could just try a trial seperation and see how much you really miss each other and give yourself time to heal and give him time to think it over, and then afterwords see what happens. Just a thought.

[rantnraven]

I fully understand your state as I had gone through it a year ago - to some degree, anyway.

Fault, however, is relative. Cast no spell of revenge because it will only revisit you. Instead, show more love now then ever - honey attracts more bees then does poopoo.

I pray that all works out, regardless,
RnR

[MystyPines]

Abbyseyes,

I am so saddened to hear about this. I wish there was something to say to you to help stop the pain. You definitely need to talk to a professional therapist. Whether your husband joins you or not, you need to do it for you. I wish I had done this when it happened to me, but instead I started only this year going to therapy, because I am now remarried and the baggage (trust issues) from my previous 12 year marriage has crept into my new marriage. I too went through this back in 1997 to find out my husband was having an affair for 2 years with a client of his. I first was "in shock" not having any inkling this was going on. Then, I was angered, hurt, revengeful, the emotions ran the gammit. At this point we were married 12 years and together a total of 17. It is hard to give someone advice because every situation is different. In my case, he said loved her, didn't have feelings for me anymore, so I moved out immediately and filed for divorce within days. Then, after he was served with the papers, he called me up crying saying that he never loved her, and was only saying those words to her for the passed 2 years. He told me he would never see her again. I remained separated and out of the house for 2 months. He still reiterated that he was not in contact with her and had not spoken to her in 2 months, and that he walked away from that "so-called relationship" and never looked back again. Still having the key to our house, I let myself in during the day, to gather some of my clothing and my mail, to see the phone bill opened, and he had lied. He called her everyday and never stopped the contact. Needless to say, I made the right decision, and my divorce was finalized in 1999. A month after the divorce he had proposed to her, and she declined because she was already married. Now he is dating another married woman. Who knows, If I had stayed with him, he may have continued with this woman all along. I would recommend talking with a family therapist. I was able to get one through my health insurance only having to pay co-payments. If you ever want to talk, please email me or private message me. I mean it!!!!!!

MystyPines

[Kaylara]

Well, even though I cannot relate in my present situation, and because of the nature of our relationship, I understand the betrayal and pain. Please know that you are in my thoughts, and I am sending strength your way...

Kaylara

[Rævyn Cigány]

Originally posted by reanna
:(:(:(
I am so truly sorry that you are going through this. :(
Many((((hugs)))) to you and please know that you have many friends here and we are all very good listeners.


Much peace sent your way.

And that goes double for me...everyone is right...that's what we're here for...to be an ear to those in pain, and my dear, you certainly qualify, and for that I am truly sorry. Chin up my friend :) Be well, and Goddess bless

Rae )0(

[abbyseyes]

Wow... I was really angry when I made that first post....
First I want to say thank you to everyone for the offers of support and words of understanding. Unfortunately things aren't going to well. So many things said in anger that can't be taken back and too many things that can't be undone. Somewhere along the line my husband and I lost track of who "we" were and why we "were". Neither of us entered into this marraige with the intention of making eachother miserable for the rest of our lives. Now, we don't even seem to like eachother anymore and it's getting harder and harder to find that person we married. It's so sad, I really miss him -we used to enjoy eachother - I mean I dreaded him going to work everyday because I would miss him so much. Now it seems we both find excuses to be out of the house when the other is home. ..........Oh darn, I'm rattling... I didn't mean to do that - I just wanted to say thank you to everyone, and let you know I'm not the angry spiteful person I sound like in that first post. Thanks for listening. If it gets too rough, I may take someone up on the offers to chat. Blessed Be.
Cat

[rantnraven]

Rattle if you must, Dear. That's what we came here to do at some point. Life can throw us this terrible curve-ball at some time and there are two things that happen: 1) how you take and deal with it and 2) how others take and deal with it. This is not rattling, persay, but you dealing with it. Re-read the posts and understand how we are dealing. We are all one (mostly) with a bit to offer. Slow down - deep, deep breath. This is tough but YOU will prevail.

Blessings,
Thoma;)

[Myst]

Brightest blessings and energies to you that you may find and follow the best path (for you) to solve this.

[Lilu]

Well I could (and have) say quite a bit on this topic, but it's all personal opinion which wouldn't really help in the long run.

So please settle for lots of ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) and a heartfelt wish that you have the strength to stick by whatever decision you make. And don't worry about the revenge spell, believe me all parties involved will get their just desserts, and she is certainly not worth your time or effort. Focus your energy on yourself, all will be as it should.

:sunny:
Bright Blessings
Lilu

[MammaStar]

Blessings to you sister. And many, many hugs! Rattle away here, we're all pretty good listeners, as you have seen by all the posts.

[Semele]

Sorry dear!!! I can offer that only...nothing will erase the pain, but know that you are strong and will move on to better days. So goes the ebb and flow of life. So spend your energy dusting off your surf board for those great big fun waves that are sure to follow!!!

[flar7]

It is very hard to take the loss of one you love. So when possible dont lose them. I let my wife leave with one of my best friends after 8 years of marriage, and although I am happy for her and her new baby, it is still painful.
But it is never so painful that I would give up one minute of the time we had together. We went through many trials, her youth and my health were big factors in her choices.
Love is the key and always will be!
Use love to forgive and stay, or use love to forgive and move on.
Either way, with love you are stronger and better in all ways.

I wish only the best for you, and know that you are loved.

[Enlightenment]

I think because you love or loved your hubby so much that you forgot to give HIM most of the responsiblity for what happened. you seem to be blaming her for the whole lot, or at least a large portion of it on her. it wasn't her fault at all really. she never made either you, nor your hubby, any promises in a legally binding contract of marriage. she was actually free to do as she pleased. it takes two to tango and both are responsible for making the dance look good. it was your hubby that is responsible for that happening and really no one else. he's the one who promised fidelity to you, and no one else. he's the one who broke the promise with his actions. without his willingness, regardless of his state of mind--if he can't think straight then he should be in a hospital, nothing would have happened. his participation in the matter was one of the key ingredients of this entire sordid and sad affair. i'm sorry if you wanna hate her, but she wasn't the problem. the problem was with your husband. he had something to lose, she didn't.

[~ Monk ~]

i'm sorry if you wanna hate her, but she wasn't the problem. the problem was with your husband. he had something to lose, she didn't.

Wow, this is an old thread.

While the husband certainly deserves his fair share of the blame, the woman in question had an affair with someone she knew was married and was at one time a friend of that person's partner. To suggest she isn't a part of the problem - I can't agree with that.

[Phoenix Blue]

:wtf: This is a two-year-old thread. I'm sure the situation has been resolved by now!

[Enlightenment]

ok, the woman is definitely part of the problem. that's really not what i was saying exactly.

i was merely saying that she didn't give the husband the credit he deserved for the thing(s) he did, such as, breaking serious promises that he made to himself and someone he must have loved, abbyseys.

but the girlfriend that slept with abbyeyes' husband had made no promises regarding what type of behavior she could and could not do in their friendship. It was abbyseys who called her a friend, that was a bad call on her part. She should have investigated the character of this woman more thoroughly before designating her with the very powerful word of "friendship."

but that's just what i think. please feel free to disagree; you might show me a point of view i've never seen before and open my eyes a bit wider.

[Enlightenment]

and regarding whether two years have passed since then or not, the theme is ubiquitous, and I think, should be discussed.

[Phoenix Blue]

Then maybe you would consider starting a new thread, that way we're not discussing someone's personal situation behind their back?