Lucidia
July 30th, 2001, 09:43 AM
Times are rough in Lucidiaville.
I'm not an easy person to be around. I show people the happy shiny silly side of me 99% of the time just so they don't hate me.
I think, maybe, the only people that know me are my husband, and maybe a FEW of my friends. Even some of my close friends don't really know me. Truth be told, I dont' have that many friends.
It's not easy. I feel alone all the time. I can't express my real feelings about anything without offending someone.
I guess it's not exactly easy to be nice all the time, or happy all the time, but you know, it's not anywhere near as hard as trying to be honest about how you feel.
We live our lives, blindly saying how wonderful and beautiful and special everything is. It's so easy to say, but for me, I hardly ever mean it.
People are mean, and cruel. I wouldn't say "evil", because that's just too specific and it means something different to everyone.
My life isn't horrible, but it's not easy, and I dont' deal with it well. I have problems just like anyone other person, I'm just overly sensitive about certain things.
I could complain ALL DAY. Really, I could. It's easy. Give me a few seconds and I'll write you a list of things that bother me, and i'll only use the last few days as reference.
But i don't want to. But you know, I come here, and all i see.. are people complaining. People upset. People offended. People constantly apologizing. People aimlessly hurting people without remorse.
I get fed up. I say my opinion, and already I've offended people. So I think, "why do i even bother?".
I'm not that special. Honestly. I'm sure there is someone who knows everything I do about the same spiritual stuff that's probably no where NEAR as stubborn or opinionated as I am. I'm replacable. Maybe not to my friends, but let's get real... How many of you even know my REAL name? (and that's without checking my e-mail adress to find out).
How many of you have had an actual conversation with me? I mean, Kaylara is a close friend.. a sister even... to me, along with Dellit and Traz, but most of you, I haven't even said 10 words to directly.
In the past 5 or 6 years, I have made acquaintence with thousands of people. Literally. Every day I go out into the East Village of NYC, I run into some random person that knows my name, that apparently i "know", and they are all up in my face, asking me about how my life is going.
I dont' know their name. Sometimes I remember who they are. Usually not.
That's how i feel here sometimes. People get all offended by my posts now and again, But they dont' actually know me at all. Maybe if they did, they wouldn't be so offended. Maybe if they understood me, They wouldn't take me AS seriously.
Not that I'm not serious. It's just that you have to understand how I look at things.
In my little Lucidian universe, Everyone is right and everyone is wrong all the time. We each have our bubble. If you choose to look into my bubble and read what's written in the book that is my mind, then don't get upset if it's not what you wanted to see.
I'm not directly upset with anyone or anything anyone has said. I'm generally upset with the patterns i see, and the trends among reactions. I'm upset with the world, and with humanity as a whole. I see a huge wasted opportunity. I see so much potential. But honestly, I just dont' see anything happening.
And to make matters worse. I'm contributing to the factors that cause me this personal misery just as much as anyone at all. I'm just as lazy, and whiny, and I procrastinate and make excuses, just like everyone else. I'm not superior, or better, or smarter, or faster, and I certanly don't leap buildings in a single bound.
Perhaps that is the kicker. Maybe that's why i'm so unhappy with everything around me. Because i'm unhappy with myself.
I like what's here, I just see people waste too much time stressing over it. There are a few people that can honestly say, that what's happening here on this website stresses them out. Maybe Mol, and EW, and people who work on the admin side of things, have the hardest job of all. Putting in your two cents and making suggestions as to what should and shouldnt' be up and talked about is one thing. Making the whole thing run is another thing entirely.
But this post isn't to express the much deserved thanks and praise to the work of the mysticwicks admin. And it's certianly not to express how i feel about myself and the world.
It's to apologize.
I'm sorry that what I think isn't always what you want to hear.
I'm sorry that i'm not always nice and chipper and positive.
I'm sorry that my life choices may "hurt" you because you wouldn't have done the same thing in your life.
I'm sorry that it bugs me when people sit around complaining about little things, and seem to sometimes forget that there are bigger issues at hand.
And most of all, I'm sorry to say that I'm not going to stop being who I am, so if what I say here bothers you, keep in mind that i'm not saying what you believe is wrong. you are NEVER wrong because i dont' agree with you. What I say will always be MY opinion, and MY belief, and MY suggestion. You don't have to take it, and you don't have to like it. All i ask is the same respect that I give everyone here. Take what I say with a grain of salt, and remember that I am only speaking what's on my mind, because last time I checked, I was allowed to have an opinion.
If you think everything I said here is out of bounds, or not relevant, or not justified, then once again, I'm sorry. I just felt it was time I got a few things off my chest. I don't need anyone's stamp of approval or smiles and nods, I just want respect.
You live with your choices, and I'll live with mine
If we stick to our words, then we'll all end up fine
What I'm saying is heartfelt and so painfully true
If you'll learn to deal with me, then I'll learn to deal with you
I'm not an easy person to be around. I show people the happy shiny silly side of me 99% of the time just so they don't hate me.
I think, maybe, the only people that know me are my husband, and maybe a FEW of my friends. Even some of my close friends don't really know me. Truth be told, I dont' have that many friends.
It's not easy. I feel alone all the time. I can't express my real feelings about anything without offending someone.
I guess it's not exactly easy to be nice all the time, or happy all the time, but you know, it's not anywhere near as hard as trying to be honest about how you feel.
We live our lives, blindly saying how wonderful and beautiful and special everything is. It's so easy to say, but for me, I hardly ever mean it.
People are mean, and cruel. I wouldn't say "evil", because that's just too specific and it means something different to everyone.
My life isn't horrible, but it's not easy, and I dont' deal with it well. I have problems just like anyone other person, I'm just overly sensitive about certain things.
I could complain ALL DAY. Really, I could. It's easy. Give me a few seconds and I'll write you a list of things that bother me, and i'll only use the last few days as reference.
But i don't want to. But you know, I come here, and all i see.. are people complaining. People upset. People offended. People constantly apologizing. People aimlessly hurting people without remorse.
I get fed up. I say my opinion, and already I've offended people. So I think, "why do i even bother?".
I'm not that special. Honestly. I'm sure there is someone who knows everything I do about the same spiritual stuff that's probably no where NEAR as stubborn or opinionated as I am. I'm replacable. Maybe not to my friends, but let's get real... How many of you even know my REAL name? (and that's without checking my e-mail adress to find out).
How many of you have had an actual conversation with me? I mean, Kaylara is a close friend.. a sister even... to me, along with Dellit and Traz, but most of you, I haven't even said 10 words to directly.
In the past 5 or 6 years, I have made acquaintence with thousands of people. Literally. Every day I go out into the East Village of NYC, I run into some random person that knows my name, that apparently i "know", and they are all up in my face, asking me about how my life is going.
I dont' know their name. Sometimes I remember who they are. Usually not.
That's how i feel here sometimes. People get all offended by my posts now and again, But they dont' actually know me at all. Maybe if they did, they wouldn't be so offended. Maybe if they understood me, They wouldn't take me AS seriously.
Not that I'm not serious. It's just that you have to understand how I look at things.
In my little Lucidian universe, Everyone is right and everyone is wrong all the time. We each have our bubble. If you choose to look into my bubble and read what's written in the book that is my mind, then don't get upset if it's not what you wanted to see.
I'm not directly upset with anyone or anything anyone has said. I'm generally upset with the patterns i see, and the trends among reactions. I'm upset with the world, and with humanity as a whole. I see a huge wasted opportunity. I see so much potential. But honestly, I just dont' see anything happening.
And to make matters worse. I'm contributing to the factors that cause me this personal misery just as much as anyone at all. I'm just as lazy, and whiny, and I procrastinate and make excuses, just like everyone else. I'm not superior, or better, or smarter, or faster, and I certanly don't leap buildings in a single bound.
Perhaps that is the kicker. Maybe that's why i'm so unhappy with everything around me. Because i'm unhappy with myself.
I like what's here, I just see people waste too much time stressing over it. There are a few people that can honestly say, that what's happening here on this website stresses them out. Maybe Mol, and EW, and people who work on the admin side of things, have the hardest job of all. Putting in your two cents and making suggestions as to what should and shouldnt' be up and talked about is one thing. Making the whole thing run is another thing entirely.
But this post isn't to express the much deserved thanks and praise to the work of the mysticwicks admin. And it's certianly not to express how i feel about myself and the world.
It's to apologize.
I'm sorry that what I think isn't always what you want to hear.
I'm sorry that i'm not always nice and chipper and positive.
I'm sorry that my life choices may "hurt" you because you wouldn't have done the same thing in your life.
I'm sorry that it bugs me when people sit around complaining about little things, and seem to sometimes forget that there are bigger issues at hand.
And most of all, I'm sorry to say that I'm not going to stop being who I am, so if what I say here bothers you, keep in mind that i'm not saying what you believe is wrong. you are NEVER wrong because i dont' agree with you. What I say will always be MY opinion, and MY belief, and MY suggestion. You don't have to take it, and you don't have to like it. All i ask is the same respect that I give everyone here. Take what I say with a grain of salt, and remember that I am only speaking what's on my mind, because last time I checked, I was allowed to have an opinion.
If you think everything I said here is out of bounds, or not relevant, or not justified, then once again, I'm sorry. I just felt it was time I got a few things off my chest. I don't need anyone's stamp of approval or smiles and nods, I just want respect.
You live with your choices, and I'll live with mine
If we stick to our words, then we'll all end up fine
What I'm saying is heartfelt and so painfully true
If you'll learn to deal with me, then I'll learn to deal with you