In-Law Trouble

[Tabby]

I will apologize in advance if this post is a little long....sorry everyone!! I need some advice.

I have been with my husband for 15 and married for 11. I am 2 years older than my husband. My in-laws liked me until we got engaged. That's when the trouble started. My MIL and SIL cornered me saying that I pushed him into it (he was a JR in HS). I understand why they did that but they took it much farther. Over the years they would say things like, "Aren't your parents ashamed of you because you didn't finish college and wasted their money?" and "No wonder you're lazy..your mother doesn't have a job." (note - my mother didn't need to work) and "your bringing my son down". Some other things they have done was to ban me from talking to my MIL when no one else was present (apparently I upset her too much), telling me I was not allowed to call them anything but Mr. and Mrs. (last name), calling my father and trying to talk him into breaking us up before we got married and yelling at me on my wedding day. This was all before we got married. I won't go into everything that happened since (and there is a lot) but lately it has been getting worse. We don't always get invited to family functions or aprised of what is going on for holidays (and we ask), or told when something is going on within the family and it upsets my husband very much. On my FIL's last birthday we went over to their house and gave him his gift. He looked at my husband and thanked him but didn't say anything to me. In fact they didn't even talk to me at all. My husband had finally had enough and stated that the gift was from both of us and after he said that twice my FIL finally thanked me. I have been very patient and am very nice to them. I was the only family member to visit my MIL in the hospital every day for 2 weeks when she had a blood clot go through her heart. I have tried asking them what I've said or done and how we can fix it (many times). They say nothing is wrong. I am tired of being the punching bag for them so I have finally just stopped going over there. I tell my husband to go over for family functions and holidays. He hates to go without me but it would upset me to the point of me shaking physically for hours before and during the time we were there and I would wind up depressed for days. It seems like he gets invited more now that I do not go along. The problem is I feel really bad for my husband and it bothers him so much that his family is doing this. He hates confrontation and I won't let him yell at them (which is what he wants to do) because I feel very strongly that one should be close with their family and should be able to discuss openly and honestly any problems you have with them. It is causing tension in a great marriage and yesterday he refused to go over to his parents house for Mother's Day. I don't want him to stop seeing his family but I don't know what I can do about it. If anyone has any idea's what I could do I would be very appreciative....

Thanks for listening and being very patient with my longwinded tale...

BB

[Nighthawk]

Nice people.... simply wonderful.... I won;t tell you what I would lIKE to do with them, but I can say ... have him go over there, and you stay home... do it five times, if they say nothing about you... you know it is a problem, and you gave them the chance, if they ask about you.... he says he does not believe they treat you well... and it has to change.. either way, you will be done with it... Good luck, though...

[Tabby]

Nice people.... simply wonderful.... I won;t tell you what I would lIKE to do with them, but I can say ... have him go over there, and you stay home... do it five times, if they say nothing about you... you know it is a problem, and you gave them the chance, if they ask about you.... he says he does not believe they treat you well... and it has to change.. either way, you will be done with it... Good luck, though...


Well he's gone over 2 times so far. The first time they asked where I was and he said "home" - that illicited an "oh" and the second time they didn't even bother asking.

Thanks for your help.

[Nighthawk]

well, three more, and your obligation is fulfilled.. what crass, uncaring people... hate that type...

[Fairywolf]

My in-laws are like that. I hate to tell you this but they will never change. I am in the process of getting a divorce because I refused to be treated like crap. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear but sometimes it happens. I can't say that the in-laws are the complete reason that we are getting a divorce but they are 3/4's of the reason.

I am sorry to hear that you are having these problems and I wish that there was something that I could say that would make it easier for you but I don't know those magical words.

My thoughts are with you and if you ever need someone to talk to you can pm me anytime. :hugz:

[Tabby]

My in-laws are like that. I hate to tell you this but they will never change. I am in the process of getting a divorce because I refused to be treated like crap. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear but sometimes it happens. I can't say that the in-laws are the complete reason that we are getting a divorce but they are 3/4's of the reason.

I am sorry to hear that you are having these problems and I wish that there was something that I could say that would make it easier for you but I don't know those magical words.

My thoughts are with you and if you ever need someone to talk to you can pm me anytime. :hugz:


Thank you for your honesty. That is why I posted it here to see if anyone had similiar experiences and/or could help.

It worries me tremendously that this situation will end up in a divorce. We have talked about my worries and I have told him that I think that's the outcome they want. They are already succeeding in splitting us by him going over there alone but I just couldn't take it anymore. But in the same token I don't want him to allienate himself from his family either. What to do...what to do...

Thanks for your offer to PM. I am sure I will be needing it. We are going to talk about this family situation again this week. I just don't want to give up on a 11 year marriage.

[Nighthawk]

If it is a good marriage... he will choose YOU! Because, he loves you...

[Tabby]

If it is a good marriage... he will choose YOU! Because, he loves you...


I really have no doubts that he would choose me!! He has said as much!! The problems could be in the future such as what if he is estranged from his parents and something bad happens to one of them. I could never live with myself and what if he starts to resent me for it. I have such a healthy and open relationship with my parents that it hurts me that he can't be close to his. He was before I came along and I feel like it is my fault and that I destroyed their relationship. I know that they did it thru their actions but I can't help but feel guilty...I am just programmed that way. I am always trying to figure out what I could have possibly done wrong and how I can correct it.

[Nighthawk]

If not you, then someone else... no one would be good enough.. It is not your fault at all these people cannot grow up. You just love their son....

[Tabby]

If not you, then someone else... no one would be good enough.. It is not your fault at all these people cannot grow up. You just love their son....


In my mind I guess I know that is not my fault but it just hurts in my heart. Thanks for your support.

[Phoenix Blue]

Really, a lot of this is up to your husband, Tabby. He needs to put his foot down and tell his family that, unless they can treat you with decency and respect, they can forget about having him along for any family functions, either.

You've been married for eleven years. His first familial obligation is to you. Obviously his family has trouble dealing with that, hence their efforts, conscious or subconscious, to "take him back" from you.

Assistant Ninja Therapist says: Give them all the finger, and make sure he does, too--and extend the finger to him as well, if he won't stand up for you against the abusive treatment you're getting from his family.

[Pesha]

Oh dear, what a rather nasty bunch of people your inlaws seem to be. Maybe I should set them up with my sons inlaws and they can have a nice lunch or something. As I told my son when he got married....The inlaws sadly come along with your mate. but you do not have to lt them upset you or make you feel bad.
The marriage is between you and your man. The inlaws will have to deal with it.

BB
DS.

[Old Witch]

It is with a heavy heart that I tell you this. You and your husband should go to you inlaws house. You tell them that they have treated you very badly over the years and now you've had enough, you've tried, they haven't .......so now it's good-bye. You and your husband tell them that they are dead to you........walk out and never look back. You don't owe them courtesy and they deserve no respect. I would hope your husband would choose you over them..........

[Gracecat]

My in-laws and I have had our rough patches. And we did start getting along much better. My sister in law and I have bonded and it's all good now. But sometimes, my father in law still does things that makes me flinch. Actually, he can drive me straight up the wall at times.

My husband didn't take up for me for a couple years. I was tossed to the wolves and was left to fend for myself. But it wasn't comparable to your history with inlaws. The biggest time they hurt my feelings, he came up to bat for me and we have had smooth sailing ever since. But it's hard.

{{{hugs}}} I hope it works out between everybody, though likely it's a poor chance. People like your in-laws never change. They're missing out on what sounds like a devoted daughter in law.

[MysticMoonQueen]

oooooh.. I have a MONSTER in law too.. She doesn't want me anywhere around when she is around.. She prefers my husband do everything without me.. She badmouths me, you name it.. she's caused more heartache than I can say..

But, you do have ONE thing going for you.. your husband wants YOU.. he wants to tell his family whatfor.. LET HIM.. i wish MY Husband had the balls to tell his mom to kiss off.. if he did.. a LOT of my problems would not even exist.. take it from me.. I have fibromyalgia.. as most folks know, it is believed to be caused, irritated or triggered by stress.. guess where that stress comes from.. DON'T let that happen to you.. trust me, cuz when you said you had been shaking and the whole nine, it reminded ME of how *I* get when I have to deal with the monster..

It's MY firm belief.. and this is my humble opinion, mind you... that when a man and a woman wed, they take ONE life together... a man is to leave his parents and cleave to his wife.. and i KNOW that is in the bible.. but, regardless of the christian origin, I think it's true... Let your husband put YOU first.. it is your right.. and dont' worry what they say or think.. (i know.. harder than it sounds).. they are going to be angry with you and dislike you no matter what.. because YOU stole their baby boy away... period.. any chance they (or his mother) gets to try to separate you, she will do it..

you will be able to rest easy knowing that they brought it on themselves if your husband refuses their company... so, don't feel like you are alienating him.. THEY are alienating him by alienating YOU....

If you want to talk, rant, have a shoulder to cry on.. etc.. pm me.. I have been there myself ALL too often.. and it helps to be able to yell a bit..

[Gracecat]

Thank you for your honesty. That is why I posted it here to see if anyone had similiar experiences and/or could help.



Oh, I have couple experiences with my in-laws during early years but once I get started, I wouldn't be able to shut up. Umm, about like the time I wasn't in family grouping pictures during my sister-in-law's wedding, nor was our daughter because they wanted "just family". I'm curious what my daughter was, even if I wasn't "blood" kin. And just who was the groom, if not an "in law" and not "blood" kin. I snagged Jody (husband) about ten minutes later and requested to leave, and leave now, not a minute before. My mother in law said no, I couldn't leave, I had clean-up duty. Ha! We left, Jody knew something happened but I refused to say what. Three days later it either clicked or Mom told him. He took up for me but still...

An 11 year marriage is a long haul, and especially if he seems to be taking up for you. Definitely if he's in your corner, it's worth working out if the in-laws are your sole cause of conflict.

It's sad, sad, sad to say but my husband's cousin and her spouse only started repairing their marriage (remarriage) when his parents passed away. They lost a seven week old daughter to SIDS and she was ultimately blamed by her M-I-L for having overslept that morning. Go figure.

[Tabby]

Oh dear, what a rather nasty bunch of people your inlaws seem to be. Maybe I should set them up with my sons inlaws and they can have a nice lunch or something. As I told my son when he got married....The inlaws sadly come along with your mate. but you do not have to lt them upset you or make you feel bad.
The marriage is between you and your man. The inlaws will have to deal with it.

BB
DS.


DS - I've read some of your post regarding you sons in-laws and I'm sure mine would get along with them fine. Let's set something up (hee hee). My father always says that even if my mother and him did not like my husband (which they do) they wouldn't treat him with anything but respect and make him feel like he is part of the family. If I cared enough about him to marry him he must be okay. I know that he is honest about that because he didn't care for my brother's choice but he you would never know it. Thanks for your post!

[Tabby]

Gracecat - That's terrible! They should have been supporting her in their grief not laying blame on anyone!! Thank you for your story...it sadly sounds like something my in-laws would do! The only thing is that if I would have left they would have just made up a story that made me the bad guy! Like the time my one ex-SIL lied to me and I was angry at her - she told my MIL that I was mean to her and my MIL pulled me aside to give a lecture on family and how I needed to be extra nice to my SIL because she was afraid of me. I was confused because she was the one who lied and I didn't even say anything to her about it. I always offer to help if I'm told they need it and believe you me if they need an errand run I am good enough to do that...

Old Witch - I have thought about doing that many times. My parents raised me to be a very concerned and sensitive person who respects their elders and above all family! It goes against everything I have been taught. Thank you for your help..I have put it on my list of options though ... I am getting to my last straw! I will add that my parents are not happy about the way they treat me!


MysticMoonQueen - I am sorry you also have MONSTER-in-law! She sounds like she has given you quite a rough way to go too! I was really worried when I couldn't stop shaking! It was really bad because one time my MIL asked me what in the world was wrong with me shaking in the middle of summer! I wanted to tell her but it was a birthday gathering and I didn't want to cause a scene. Thank you for your offer story and offer to PM - I will take you up on that!

PB - I know it is up to him to talk to them but I have stopped him many times since he was furious with them and I didn't want him to yell at them. Then it would blow over until the next time. I may just have to let him go when he is furious one of these times. Thanks for your thoughts.

I would like to thank everyone who has responded so far! It is a great comfort to know that I am not alone in this struggle. Thank you for sharing your stories and thoughts it really helps!

[Phoenix Blue]

PB - I know it is up to him to talk to them but I have stopped him many times since he was furious with them and I didn't want him to yell at them. Then it would blow over until the next time. I may just have to let him go when he is furious one of these times. Thanks for your thoughts.
Criminy! :p Well, in that case, Assistant Ninja Therapist also advises that you should stop putting those schmucks' needs and desires ahead of your own.

[Gracecat]

I agree with PB! Let him go!!! The in-law relationship turned better when my husband took up for me a couple times. The stress wasn't as bad when I went to visit because I knew anything that probably offended me would have already offended him and I had someone in my corner at all times. And that certainly helps. Nothing may not help with your monsters, but it definitely let them know your husband and their son doesn't appreciate it not one bit.

[Tabby]

I agree with PB! Let him go!!! The in-law relationship turned better when my husband took up for me a couple times. The stress wasn't as bad when I went to visit because I knew anything that probably offended me would have already offended him and I had someone in my corner at all times. And that certainly helps. Nothing may not help with your monsters, but it definitely let them know your husband and their son doesn't appreciate it not one bit.


You guys are really giving me a good argument for letting him talk to them. I am feeling a little better about it. Do you think he should talk to his mom and dad one-on-one or both at once?

This site has so many wonderful people on it that are always willing to help. I am really lucky I stumbled upon it one day. Thanks everyone!

[Phoenix Blue]

You guys are really giving me a good argument for letting him talk to them. I am feeling a little better about it. Do you think he should talk to his mom and dad one-on-one or both at once?
However he feels comfortable doing it. :)

[Thalias_Smile]

:huddle: I am so sorry you are going through all this...it is so pathetic and sad when some ppl just can't grow up--I mean, believing in faeries is ONE thing...but this?! Sheesh! Here are some :colorful: and :huddle: coming at ya!

Talame

[DarkDancer]

If I were him I would have given up on them a long time ago, I would have just adopted your parents...;)

[Gracecat]

However he feels comfortable doing it. :)

Yes.

I'd say catch them at it red handed, calling them out when they are actively disrespecting his choice of a spouse. But ultimately, it's how he feels comfortable because they are his parents and bad as I hate to admit it, and as little as some parents deserve, I hold faith that parents need to be shown respect... at least the first time.

If they continue, sick 'em!!! It's not fair that he needs to be cordial and calm when they provoke it either.

Oh I'm just full of opinion on this one...

[SummerGemMoon]

I've got in-laws, too and I know they can be some kind of pain in the you-know-what. Usually our tiffs are light compared to yours and can be resolved by missing a few family functions in which they might have liked to have seen their grandson.
I haven't got a clue what would make 'adults' act in such a way but is it possible that they're torturing you to get to him? Maybe he's done something or said something that they feel like they need to punish him for? Just a thought. I wish I could help more, but all I can say is I'll be sending positive energy your way and good luck. :hugz:

:colorful:

[Valkie]

well... I don't have a hell-in-law story... my in-laws love me :D. The only problem they had with me was that I got pregnant at 16 and my MIL didn't want to admit that she was a grandmother at 42.

The one thing that I do have to say is that you do not need to be treated that way, no body does. Unfortunately, this is all on your hubby's shoulders. It's obvious that you in-laws don't respect you enough to even consider that they may be hurting your feelings with the way they have been acting... forget doing it on purpose. If anything comes from you, they aren't going to pay any attention to it. It has to come from your husband and he has to back it up.

and remember, respect is a two way street. There is no reason for you to sit by and let some venomous hag tear your emotions to pieces. I say give it right back to them. who knows... maybe it's something that your hubby never had the courage to do... maybe they'll respect you a little bit more because you're not willing to sit back and take their shit... or maybe they'll get pissed off enough that they never want to talk to you again. Sounds like no matter what you win. :)

[morrigen]

Really, a lot of this is up to your husband, Tabby. He needs to put his foot down and tell his family that, unless they can treat you with decency and respect, they can forget about having him along for any family functions, either.

You've been married for eleven years. His first familial obligation is to you. Obviously his family has trouble dealing with that, hence their efforts, conscious or subconscious, to "take him back" from you.

Assistant Ninja Therapist says: Give them all the finger, and make sure he does, too--and extend the finger to him as well, if he won't stand up for you against the abusive treatment you're getting from his family.

Yes, yes, and yes!!!!

Your husband going over there by himself is sending them the message that it's ok to exclude you and treat you badly.

You are his family, too. Andd his first priority. This situation is making you feel bad...he should be putting a stop to it. No iifs, and, or buts.

I too, have the nutter-in-law from hell...you have to be brutal, otherwise they walk all over you.

[Lilith79]

I've been reading some books: Cutting Loose by Howard Marvin Halpern and Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy & Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward. What you have on your hands are domineering parents. Nothing you do will ever make them happy. I would suggest purchasing these books and reading them. I bought mine cheap on half.com. I would also suggest that your dh seek therapy. His parents shouldn't treat you like that, and your dh and you need to learn how to make it stop effectively.
I am sending positive energy you way, you certainly need it! :floating:

[Mòrag Elasaid Ní Dhòmhnaill]

Have you tried sitting down with your in-laws one on one and talking to them about how they make you feel? If you haven't, I think that maybe that should be the first step. If after you speak with them, they continue to treat you as you are, then your husband needs to sit down and have a long talk with them. At that point, the conversation shouldn't be a please stop treating her so badly. It needs to be, if you don't start treating her with the respect she deserves as my wife, then you will not be seeing either of us. And stick to that. It's a hard road, but sometimes it's necessary.

[Kailless]

Remember you and your husband are a family. Staying away from thoes who only make you ill I think is a good idea, If they want you to be part of thier family then they need to help you feel comftorble arround them, it is not your fault. The problem is with them. Perhaps your husband could explain how he feels about the situation to them both seperately and then with them together, and then maby they would come arround.

[Tabby]

I've got in-laws, too and I know they can be some kind of pain in the you-know-what. Usually our tiffs are light compared to yours and can be resolved by missing a few family functions in which they might have liked to have seen their grandson.
I haven't got a clue what would make 'adults' act in such a way but is it possible that they're torturing you to get to him? Maybe he's done something or said something that they feel like they need to punish him for? Just a thought. I wish I could help more, but all I can say is I'll be sending positive energy your way and good luck. :hugz:

:colorful:

I don't think so. My husband is one of the nicest guys on earth..you know the one who when a buddy calls and gets him out of bed at 2am because he's too drunk to drive and it 45 minutes away and he never complains but just gets up and does the friend this favor...kind of guy! Even if he didn't care for you he would still give you the shirt off of his back and never ask for anything in return. Still don't know how he turned out so great!! Thanks..I can use all the energy I can get!

[Tabby]

I would like to thank everyone for the help and energy you have all given! I am newer to this site and it still amazes me how wonderful everyone here is!! You will never know how much this means to me!! I hope someday I will be able to return the favor!

[Fairywolf]

Tabby please keep us informed on how things are going for you as you hopefully get this worked out. You are right 11 years of marriage is to important to just toss out the window. And from your posts it seems to me that you and your husband love each other and respect each other more then most. I commend you on this. As for my in-laws it got to the point that they would come to my house and degrade me and terrioze me at night while I was trying to get some rest and calling every business that I had put applications in for a job telling them how worthless that I am and that I am a theif and a lier. I now live 1300 miles away and still have to put up with there crap.

I wish you all the best. I truely hope things work out for the best for you and I will be sending lots of energy to you and your husband to help you get threw these times. :hugz:

[Tabby]

Well..thought I would give everyone an update. I have not seen or talked to them in quite a while. They make the dutiful gesture of asking where I am when he goes over to family functions by himself but that is all they do. You would think that they would have called me or said something to him. My husband continues to say that he is angry at them and will talk to them but hasn't so far. I told him to handle it however he saw fit but that I wanted it done as soon as possible. He has not talked to them yet and I am beginning to wonder if he ever will. I am tired of getting put second to a bunch of people that have no reason to dislike me other than some imaginary problem they won't even share with me. This is causing a lot of conflict in our marriage because I am tired of not feeling like I am important enough for him to deal with this situation. At least I do not have to worry about seeing them again...for I will not set foot over there unless they are willing to discuss this or apologize for their actions.. So, an update for everyone.

[claxon]

As for my in-laws it got to the point that they would come to my house and degrade me and terrioze me at night while I was trying to get some rest and calling every business that I had put applications in for a job telling them how worthless that I am and that I am a theif and a lier. I now live 1300 miles away and still have to put up with there crap.


Now THAT is evil. Have you tried calling them to try and work things out? I recommend doing it at a random time between midnight and 5am every night for a couple of months. You know, just to make sure everything is perfect. I'm sure they'll appreciate it. :halohead: