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View Full Version : Family Problems; Please Help!



Tea Leaf
May 13th, 2004, 01:44 PM
Iím having a terrible time with my mom. Usually we get along okay, however now we canít even stand to be around each other. If anyone could spare a moment and possible explain or offer some input I would be grateful!

The problem is she is very controlling, itís either her way or no way at all. She is also very protective -which of course I can understand-; however when you put the too together it is not a pretty picture.

Iím 20 years olds, I attend University, work, volunteer in two places and conduct my own research, needless to say I have a strong sense of self and are independent. My mom refuses to see this. She insists on driving me where ever I go and picks me up even though I have been driving for years (Iím a very good driver); because of this she controls a great deal of my life which I find unacceptable. Every second of my life must be planned out so she knows when to pick me up and where. Moreover there are many things I canít do because of this, like go out once in a while
-even to see a movie is a huge hassle-. I know she is just trying to keep me safe, and I can respect that Iím am and will always be Ďher daughterí but I need her to back off. (Ps. I donít mean to complain about be driven everywhere I know many people have to take the bus or walk to work/school..etc. my mom however does not Ďallowí me to take the bus or even leave the house alone. Nor will she allow me to drive alone. It is her way or I donít go out)

I have spoken to her about this. I told her that when children get older they donít need their parents in the same capacity as they do when they are babies as they are not completely dependant on them. I also told her what she does makes me feel like she doesnít have faith in me, and thatís what I need from her. I continued and said she needs to know that she raised me well enough to be able to handle myself in the Ďbig bad worldí. My mom says she understands, but continues to behave the same way.

Iím at a total loss. I have no idea what to do or how to fix it. I have stood up to her and presented my case, it does no good at all moreover she gets more upset.

There reason behind all this is because I got a summer job 50min from my house. I can either take the highway or a city road (which is actually on the same road as my own home, just 50min away), I told her I would take the city road to be safer, but still she insist on driving (which I told her she would have to drive an hour there and back home and then do it again to pick me up; her solution: Iíll stay at work with you! -Now I canít tolerate this! There is no reason why I cannot take the car and drive myself. She was never like this when I was a kid, she would let me ride my bike around the neighborhood and go to the mall with a friend and now...? I canít explain it)

Please help!

Yvonne Belisle
May 13th, 2004, 04:37 PM
Ask her to drive you to a realtor's office when she asks why tell her you are looking to rent a house or apartment. When she is done freaking out explain that while you love her very much you can not live like this and need some space. You might even get lucky enough to be able to work out some ground rules so you don't actually have to move out but I would definitly be prepared to get your own place. You can also leave apartment applications in your room where she will see it like on the desk.

Amethyst Rose
May 13th, 2004, 05:14 PM
Well, I don't have much advice, but I'm thinking that if you still live at home, maybe it's time for you to move out.
If I was in that situation, (once I was 18 my parents knew I was an adult and stopped giving me a curfew and such), I just wouldn't listen. If my mom said "no you can't go to a movie", I'd go anyway. I'm an adult I can do what I want, know what I mean? Not very good advice, I know. :)
I personally think that the solution is to get out on your own so she doesn't have that kind of control over you.

Shanti
May 13th, 2004, 05:20 PM
Your 20? I could not handle my mom driving me anywhere. I know some have a hard time letting go but.....AHHHGGG.

I dont know what to tell you. I'd be gone. I left home at 16. Good luck.

docdoo
May 13th, 2004, 05:20 PM
Hi there!
It seems like more and more adult children are asking for advice about how to handle their parents. My advice is this, quite simply, you are an adult. At 20 years old you are officially emancipated from your parents. I would simply sit down with your mother and tell her your plan, explain to her that you will be driving yourself (I'm assuming that the car is yours?) to work and respectfully inform her as to when you'll be home etc. Giving her your work number isnt a bad idea either.

Now, I know that this advice probably sounds too easy but honestly it really is as easy as that. The simple fact of the matter is that you are an adult...this may sound harsh, but until you state your intentions, rather than ask chances are good that your mother will continue to see you as a child. That's the only advice I have to give on parents, they may not *like* your decisions...but, as an adult they must recognize that you are entitlted to MAKE your own decisions. At 20 you are quite capable of doing just that..

Wishing you the best of luck on this!!!

Tea Leaf
May 13th, 2004, 05:31 PM
Thank you all so very much for your advice. I truly appreciate it!

I wish I could move out again. I moved out the first time when I was 14 and she turned around and moved in with me! After that we agree to buy a new home (where I am now) whilst I finish school as Iím saving for grad school.

I will most definitely take your advice and try to get through to her.

Brightest Blessings to you all
Tea Leaf

soilsigh aingeal
May 13th, 2004, 07:04 PM
Well, I was going to agree with the others, but I see it wouldn't work.
I wish you luck and hope you can get through to her.