Forgive me

[Tzhebee]

I miss you more than words could even convey. I struggle daily wondering if I did the right thing. I was weak and scared and I acted out of fear...I am so sorry. You didn't deserve what I did, all you asked for was life and I denied you that.

I dream of the life I could have given you, of the love and wonder we could have brought into each others worlds. I pray I did the right thing...I pray that you will some day come back to me...and that when you do I'll make the right choice.

You should be growing inside me right now instead of haunting my heart and soul...I can never forgive myself for what I have done, so I am here, instead asking you to forgive me.

[David]

[Nighthawk]

:hugz:

[savannahrose44]

((((((((:hugz: )))))))))

[Boogins]

Tzhebee... :hugz:

[Rowan MoonDragon]

:hugz:

[Earthy]

Chas :hugz:

[Moon Momma]

:hugz:

[Tzhebee]

Time heals all wounds? How much time? I thought perhaps I'd be OK by now....maybe not "good" or "fine" but at least not in so much pain...but I'm not. It's harder today than it has ever been.

You would be with me now...in my arms, suckling my breast, crying, eyes open to the world...but you are not. And I look in your brothers face....and I see how much he has grown and how much he has changed in such a short amount of time. And then I think of you...and how much you would have changed and the guilt rides over me so horribly that I cannot even bare to hold the children that I did have!

My son cries for me...and I think of you. I cannot pick him up and hold him to me because I keep thinking of you...that you would be in my arms and you would be another thing for Tyke to learn about.

I keep telling myself that I did the right thing...but it doesn't help me sleep at night. I know you have said that there is nothing to forgive me for and that you will wait until I am better prepared...but you shouldn't have to wait, you should be with me now...and I failed you. I threw you away nothing...I'm sorry. I am very very sorry...I wish I could take it back. I wish I could have you back.

I wish I could hold my children who are with me without feeling so much guilt. I wish I knew what color your eyes would be...

I wish I could breath...

[David]

[GryphonGirl]

:hugz:

[Shanti]

~hugs with heart~

[Nighthawk]

:hugz:

[Sleet]

May healing find you.

[Nissala]

May you find peace with your decision. :hugz:

[Tzhebee]

Why have you been on my mind so much lately? Just when I thought that maybe I had begun to come to grips with my decision....I miss you so much. And I don't feel I even have the right to say that, because, well, you were never really here. And it's my fault. And I'm so sorry!

I would have loved you so very much. And I have visions of you and your brother playing together...and it just makes me hurt so deeply. But it's a selfish hurt, because intellectually, I know I did the right thing, but my heart doesn't give a flying f**k about intellect. My brain even seems to be on strike against it, because all it will do is conjour images of what I imagine you would look like, smell like...how it would feel to hold you against me.

And then, I get angry. And I wonder if he misses you like I do. I wonder if he even remembers? Because a part of me wants him to hurt like I am. But another part of me hopes he has forgotten so that he won't have to feel this kind of pain. So I say nothing. I keep you bundled up in my head and in my heart and hold the pain in for as long as I can before I just cry and cry and sob for "no apparant reason".

Gods how I wish I would have been stronger those 18 months ago. I continue to be sorry. and wish that you were here.

[AuntBooPeaceFrog]

:rubhead: :hugz:

[Boogins]

Chas, :hugz: and a candle for you.

[Earthy]

:hugz:

[Nighthawk]

Chas... I am so sorry this has reared its' ugly head again. I want that peace for you, my friend. I hate it when my friends hurt. You are a different person now, and I think you are beautiful and loving and lovable... Hang in there, sweetie...

[audi]

*hugs*

[BlackMagicalCat]

I hope things work out for you,bless you.

[Tzhebee]

Does it ever get any better? I keep asking for the pain to go away...but I don't know if it should. I think maybe I deserve to hurt like this. I deserve this! I shouldn't ask to let it go because "I made this bed, now I get to lie in it"...right?

Would it be a dishonor to feel less pain? I'm sorry, still and always.

[Earthy]

:hugz: Tzhebee.

[Boogins]

:hugz:

[Tzhebee]

I miss the love I could have given you.
I cry for the opportunity to bring you back.

Your brother is beautiful and I share joy with him...but I feel that I smother him and use him to "replace" you, that is unfair to both of you.

I finally had the courage to speak of you and your daddy blames himself more than he does me. Is it awful that his revealing of that helped me? I don't want him to pain like I do, but it helped to know that he didn't blame me as I blame myself.

I love you. I miss you. I know you've forgiven me, I just can't seem to forgive myself.

[aluokaloo]

:hugz: